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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re our wills and children?

131 replies

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 08:31

I don't personally think I am but would be interested to hear as DH thinks I am.

DH has 2 children from previous relationship, we have 1 child together. I will only ever have this one child due to long issues with fertility.

We are currently sorting out wills. In my mind DHs assets should be split between his 3 children, my 2DSC and our 1DC as they are all equally his children. My assets should go to my 1DC.

DH thinks we should just split everything between the 3 children.

My reasoning for this is that our DC will only ever inherit from us. If we do things DHs way, my DSC will inherit from DH, their mother and then also me.

I do consider my DSC as part of our family however I don't really parent them other than in the sense that all children in the house are treated equally in general terms. I do care about them but their parents are very much involved in their lives and I don't ever feel the need to be a 'parent' to them. We have a very friendly and good relationship but I don't see them as 'my' children as they have a very involved mother and father if that makes sense. They were also a bit older when I met DH so I never met them as babies or small children.

AIBU in wanting all children to inherit from just their own mum and dad? I think it's the simplest and fairest way.

OP posts:
WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 09:40

Thanks all, I'm fairly sure I will not budge on my 50% going solely to our joint DC.

I do appreciate that DH can do whatever he wants with his share however I do think it would be the right thing for him to split it equally between his children, which includes our DC.

OP posts:
WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 09:44

Step children are still yours

But they aren't though are they? In fact more often than not, step parents get attacked on here for suggesting this very thing. It seems people only think this when it comes to our money.

Its very nice that your step father changed his will to include you but I would never expect that of someone I met in my 20s, so a fully grown adult, personally. I don't expect to be left anything from my step father who I met as a teen, he isn't my dad as great as he is and he has his own children to think about. Nothing wrong with it if that's what the parties involved want to do but I equally don't see the problem the other way around, it's not an insult to anyone, I just want to make sure my DC is looked out for fairly by their parents, in my mind it's DHs and his exes responsibility to do the same for their joint children.

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 14/07/2020 09:45

Suggest that your dh's ex leaves 1/3 of her assets to your child. This is essentially the same thing.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 09:45

@sashagabadon

Suggest that your dh's ex leaves 1/3 of her assets to your child. This is essentially the same thing.
I imagine that would go down like a lead balloon Grin
OP posts:
sashagabadon · 14/07/2020 09:48

Exactly!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2020 09:50

It's a minefield. As has already been said, if you leave your share to your DH and die first, you won't actually have anything to leave - it will become his and then, if he leaves all of his money to his three children equally, what he already suggested will happen. If he doesn't, how will he determine how much should have been yours, especially if it's property and not liquid assets? Similarly, if he dies first, he could technically have nothing to leave to his kids, so you could leave it all to your one child.

I see the principle in saying that his children will also inherit from their mum, but again, circumstances can vary. I'm absolutely not saying that this is your own family's situation, but in general terms, consider this scenario:

A man has 4 children with a woman he isn't married to and then walks out and leaves her for another woman, whom he marries. He pays the bare minimum in maintenance, maybe arranging his SE income to avoid even that. As a single mum of 4, she is unable to date, build a career, get properly financially stable and is only ever able to rent from the council for the rest of her life.

Meanwhile, the man and his much younger wife do very nicely for themselves. They build very successful careers, get a huge, very expensive house and sizeable assets behind them and, some years later, have a child.

The man thus has 5 children in total, but the new wife only has one. He dies and, although his wife could have left the whole lot, now all technically hers, to her own child, she decides to be 'fair' and makes her own will so that her half goes to her child and what would have been his half is split between his five children.

She makes this decision on the basis that they also have a mother to inherit from, even though she will die penniless - largely as a result of having been left alone as a single parent of 4 children, by their father who has paid nothing for them throughout their lives. Fair?

ajandjjmum · 14/07/2020 09:52

Depending on the size of your estate, would it be possible for you to leave an amount of say, £1,000/£5,000 to each of your stepchildren, with a note saying that although you have left the bulk of your share of the estate to your DC, as they will inherit from their DM, you want to acknowledge that you love them, and they are an important part of your family.

zingally · 14/07/2020 09:53

It is not your job or responsiblity (morally or legally) to support children who are not biologically or legally yours.

If you did wish to leave something to DSC, that would be entirely a gesture of goodwill, and you have no legal obligation.

Howaboutanewname · 14/07/2020 09:56

Urgh! So hard. I think you’re right, OP but it is hard, particularly in the event of the DSC not inheriting from their mother. Is mum likely to leave something? Does she have a house rather than renting, for example?

No @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll it’s not fair in the scenario you describe. Not fair at all.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 09:57

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll well I see your point but that is definitely not our situation. DCs mum has a very good career and seems to do okay for herself (as I say I cannot comment on the ins and outs of her financial situation but from what I see).

They split amicably as far as I know, they are friendly enough with each other now and me with her too, and she is also in another relationship, not married but long term and living together.

I can see your point in your scenario but as I say, it really doesn't ring true in ours.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/07/2020 09:58

I agree you need legal advice. But I think I'd go for your one child inheriting from you only and your DH assets split between his two children. Because they will just be getting half a share.

Ellie56 · 14/07/2020 09:59

I agree with you OP. So in the event of you dying first, DH could continue to live in the house, but you would leave your half of the house and half of any other assets to your child. In the event of DH dying first his half of the assets would be split 3 ways between all his children. I can't remember exactly how it's done, but it's set up in trusts.

It's not a good idea to leave everything to your spouse anyway, because if you need health care further down the line, you can be forced to sell your home to pay for care home fees, and then your children lose out all together.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 09:59

Anything I say about the DSCs mother and inheritance from her will be pure assumptions as I obviously can't say for sure that she will leave them anything but I don't see why she wouldn't, she owns her house yes. I'm not sure what the situation is with her partner, she bought that house when she was single and they live there together, whether they have put his name on it now I have no idea.

OP posts:
TW2013 · 14/07/2020 10:01

Imagine he died first and his half was put in trust for just his two dc. You then needed to have care and all your money was used on care, your ds would inherit nothing from either parent. I think it is fairer to consider each parent splitting their portion equally between their dc. Yes it is possible that then there isn't money to split at all but that happens anyway.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 10:04

your DH assets split between his two children. Because they will just be getting half a share

Not if they inherit from their mother though? They will be getting shares from her too. If they inherit from both DH and their mother, it's our DC who will be disadvantaged and who in your proposal would not have been left anything by their father.

DH doesn't have two children, he has three.

OP posts:
Muppetry76 · 14/07/2020 10:05

TLDR - your plan is best

OP I am the step child in your scenario. I fully expect my half sister to inherit her mum's 50% share of her and my dad's assets. I hope that my dad's share is split 3 ways. My own mum's assets are likely to be depleted by care costs, but if not will be split between me and my sibling, but anyway are significantly less than the value of my dad and stepmum's estate.

That said, the 3 of us are all in our 30/40s, have good jobs, homes of our own with a few grandchildren knocking around. We've had 30 plus years to build a relationship with my stepmum and half sister, and there is an understanding that we are very much equal in many many ways. Maturity on the 'children's' part means that we wouldn't begrudge our half sister her inheritance, and we certainly wouldn't put in any claim to our stepmums share (even if we went without as very young kids so my dad could retrain and advance his career before divorcing my mum). It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, do you think your kids would be comfortable in each of your proposed scenarios?

Hopefully you and your dh will still be alive in 30,40, 50 years. A lot can change in that time,including bypassing kids and letting grandchildren inherit, which opens up another can of worms.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 10:05

@TW2013

Imagine he died first and his half was put in trust for just his two dc. You then needed to have care and all your money was used on care, your ds would inherit nothing from either parent. I think it is fairer to consider each parent splitting their portion equally between their dc. Yes it is possible that then there isn't money to split at all but that happens anyway.
Exactly. In my mind each parent should split their share between however many children that parent has. I have 1, DH has 3.
OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 14/07/2020 10:08

I have a Step child. My half of the house won’t go to her

OptimisticSix · 14/07/2020 10:09

I have a similar set up but we will be splitting everything equally. My reasoning is that although DSD will probably inherit a lot from her family, we spend a lot more money on the children who live with us full time so they benefit that way.

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2020 10:09

I would basically do the same as op plans but gift something like $5-$30k to each stepchild worded something like to my much loved stepchildren who have made my and Dhs life together richer.

Viviennemary · 14/07/2020 10:09

They will still be getting only half a share from whoever they inherit from. While your DC will get a whole share. That seems the fairest way to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2020 10:10

We’re doing what you’re planning.

Complicated further by DH parents leaving mega bucks to my DSC in trust so they’re automatically incredibly wealthy wheh their GPs die which our DD isn’t part of. She only benefits from us.

Musmerian · 14/07/2020 10:10

I am in exactly the same position from the other side. 2DC from first marriage and one with DP, his only one. We had this conversation when we did wills and agree to split everything equally three ways. There’s no way of knowing what’s going to happen and we want them to feel equal. If older DC receive inheritance from other side of the family then we might adjust. I’m also a step child and have been told I won’t get equal share with my half sisters and that’s quite hard to deal with.

WhatTheWill · 14/07/2020 10:12

@Viviennemary

They will still be getting only half a share from whoever they inherit from. While your DC will get a whole share. That seems the fairest way to me.
That's what happens when you have more siblings though isn't it? It was DH and his exes choice to have 2 children who would then have to share any inheritance they left.

I only have my 1 DC for reasons outside of anyone's control. It's not their fault their dad has other children, why should that mean they don't get anything from him?

As PP said, what if my share then gets used up in care costs and our joint DC gets nothing because his share was only split between two of his three children?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 14/07/2020 10:13

@AnneLovesGilbert

We’re doing what you’re planning.

Complicated further by DH parents leaving mega bucks to my DSC in trust so they’re automatically incredibly wealthy wheh their GPs die which our DD isn’t part of. She only benefits from us.

So the grandparents are treating their GC differently? Wow.
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