Being smacked as a child has caused me long lasting harm

[Bibijayne]

Mid-30s. I was smacked a lot as a child. I have ASD. My parents did not smack me.until advised to by a doctor when I was 2 or 3, because I was just naughty and girls can't be autistic.

So smacked I was. A lot. Often very hard. At least once or twice a week at some points.

My parents are mortified now.... Decades later. Admit it was wrong etc.

But it meant I never felt I could go to them with problems as a child and teen. Bullying, say nothing. Sexual assault, say nothing. Eating disorder, say nothing.

And obviously, that has long standing implications for my life as an adult.

As a mum to a toddler now, it's brining a lot back. Especially how I have no good role model memories for dealing with two year old meltdowns. Learning distract, distract, distract. Which works well. But I've found reflecting on those memories is really painful.

I did actually used to say that my parents' smacking, and unsurprising escalation into full blown abuse, didn't do me any harm. I was parroting what they told me and too young to realise just how horribly fucked up it did make me.

Perhaps there are a handful of people who are unaffected by it but the consensus seems pretty clear and I don't know why any good parent would want to take that risk.

It’s for your own good, and this hurts me more than it hurts you. All nonsense used to propagate and normalise violence.

I totally understand how you feel, I am early 30s and was never smacked so I don't think you can really say it was a generational thing. I understand that your parents were given medical advice but I understand how you feel it's just wrong to hit your child. I couldn't picture ever doing it. I'm going though similar, I wasn't hit but since my daughter was born 20 months ago it's got me thinking about how neglectful my mother was, she's a covert narcissist and I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact she never loved me, comforted or supported me my whole life. Having a daughter has just brought all the emotion to the surface. It's normal. I'm thinking about getting counselling myself.

I'm only 29 and was smacked as a child, but only occasionally (maybe every couple of months at most) and looking back I did deserve it really.

I went out the other day and told my DH I would be home by 1pm. Didn’t realise my phone was on low battery before I left. The queue for the shop was longer than I expected and there was a detour on the way home for some roadworks. I didn’t get back until 2:30. He had been so worried about me because he couldn’t get hold of me on my phone to find out what had taken so long. He smacked me and I deserved it. I should have charged my phone.

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s perfectly normal to still be feeling the after effects of childhood abuse, especially now that you have children of your own. Would you consider therapy/counselling if that’s accessible to you - do you think you might find it helpful?

Also, people on this thread going out of their way to say that smacking is sometimes acceptable, that the OP’s parents did the best they could, that they occasionally smack their own children and it’s fine etc. need to fuck off. Take your abuse minimisation elsewhere.

OP I'd go and get some counselling. What horrible situation. Your parent listened to medical professional who was awful and if they are like my parents then doctors word was law.

@whattimeisitrightnow

Also, people on this thread going out of their way to say that smacking is sometimes acceptable, that the OP’s parents did the best they could, that they occasionally smack their own children and it’s fine etc. need to fuck off. Take your abuse minimisation elsewhere.

Say it louder! I’m not sure they can hear you over the victim blaming.

So sorry OP. And wow - a professional actually endorsed smacking?! That’s truly shocking!
I was smacked well into my teens. DM wasn’t so bad & didn’t smack me as a teen but DF used to really lose his temper sometimes. He hit me round the head which obviously isn’t exactly a good idea & I wrote in my diary once that he’d grabbed me by the scruff of the neck. Looking back now, I really should have told someone. I’m extremely ashamed that I used to smack DD & occasionally left hand marks 😢. I have a lot of repressed anger I think. I’m in my 50s now but still need to get some counselling & try to deal with the resentment. Smacking was around a lot more in previous years but it wasn’t right & never will be.

I'm so sorry you went through this OP

It's actually very refreshing, in a sad way, to see someone being honest about the impact it made on them instead of trotting out the old "Never did me any harm" adage.

You sound very strong.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I'm only 29 and was smacked as a child, but only occasionally (maybe every couple of months at most) and looking back I did deserve it really.

I went out the other day and told my DH I would be home by 1pm. Didn’t realise my phone was on low battery before I left. The queue for the shop was longer than I expected and there was a detour on the way home for some roadworks. I didn’t get back until 2:30. He had been so worried about me because he couldn’t get hold of me on my phone to find out what had taken so long. He smacked me and I deserved it. I should have charged my phone.

And you're not damaged by it either!

@ShebaShimmyShake

Of course not! Plasters on fake smile

I didn’t have the most functional parenting, although they loved me very much and were doing their best. I found myself very angry about it and had counselling to talk it over with someone when my child was your child’s age. But as the mum of a child with ASD, it is really, really hard. I hope, hope that my child knows that my outbursts when his anxiety drives behaviour makes he act in ways that are very challenging are my problem and not his. The biggest thing I gained from counselling was learning that it was my parents silence on their mistakes not just the mistakes that effectively gaslit me as a child. So I try to always apologise when I make a mistake.

I would recommend counselling and if that’s not practical the book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did).

(For clarity, I don’t smack!)

@BeingATwatItsABingThing that's totally different and you know it! There's a massive difference between a controlling partner "punishing" another adult for a mistake, and a parent teaching a child not to do something that they know is not allowed because it's dangerous.

[quote Poppyismyfavourite]@BeingATwatItsABingThing that's totally different and you know it! There's a massive difference between a controlling partner "punishing" another adult for a mistake, and a parent teaching a child not to do something that they know is not allowed because it's dangerous.[/quote]
Explain to me how it’s different. My DH didn’t hit me because he is controlling. He hit me because he had been so worried and I needed to learn not to do it again.

Did you think Beingatwat was being serious Poppy? Don’t you see how hypocritical it is to look at hitting someone as having varying degrees of acceptability?

It won’t help an adult to ‘learn’ anymore than it helps a child. It just makes them fear the violence and humiliation.

Sorry Being trampled all over your point there.

I was smacked a lot in the 70s. More by DM than DF. It was pretty normal back then I think. I used to reply with "didn't hurt" before I ran off!

@Fanthorpe

Did you think Beingatwat was being serious Poppy? Don’t you see how hypocritical it is to look at hitting someone as having varying degrees of acceptability?

It won’t help an adult to ‘learn’ anymore than it helps a child. It just makes them fear the violence and humiliation.

Most definitely didn’t trample on my point. Don’t worry.

[quote Poppyismyfavourite]@BeingATwatItsABingThing that's totally different and you know it! There's a massive difference between a controlling partner "punishing" another adult for a mistake, and a parent teaching a child not to do something that they know is not allowed because it's dangerous.[/quote]
Presumably an adult also knows it's dangerous? So if you're capable of reasoning with the person about the danger, why do you need to hit them? And if they can't understand why it's dangerous, what will hitting teach them?

Of course it's different. Your partner is not your parent. It is a parent's job to keep their young children out of danger. If you actually read my whole post rather than cherry picking what suits you, I said I wouldn't smack my own children, but I believe my parents did what they thought was best at the time, and I don't think they did me any lasting harm. On the whole they were brilliant parents and clearly loved us very much. I was rather reckless and unthinking at 6/7, as many kids are, and a quick smack could have prevented much worse things happening to me.

@Poppyismyfavourite

Of course it's different. Your partner is not your parent. It is a parent's job to keep their young children out of danger. If you actually read my whole post rather than cherry picking what suits you, I said I wouldn't smack my own children, but I believe my parents did what they thought was best at the time, and I don't think they did me any lasting harm. On the whole they were brilliant parents and clearly loved us very much. I was rather reckless and unthinking at 6/7, as many kids are, and a quick smack could have prevented much worse things happening to me.

I ‘cherry picked’ the bit where you said you deserved to be hit. If you wouldn’t hit your own children, why do you think you deserved to be hit?

I don’t know about you but I consider keeping my DD out of danger to include danger from her parents. Physically assaulting my child wouldn’t be keeping her out of danger.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Well you're clearly still keen to disagree with me so I think I'll leave it there! I've said all I want to!

I am really sorry this has happened to you - I had the same experience and it has also had a huge impact on my life. Huge. The only difference between you and me is that my parents will still not acknowledge the damage they have done. Complete denial.

My life sounds similar to yours because of my parents neglect and fear of talking to them. Everything from rape to eating disorders, self harm and serious risk taking because I did not learn to value my body enough whilst young. I am amazed I am still here quite frankly.

When I held my tiny babies, and cuddled my toddlers, and became tested by the odd bit of less than perfect behaviour I just could not get over how they had ever HIT me!!
How on earth did they use those huge hands and hit a tiny toddler in the first place?? it is sick and inhumane. Becoming a mother made me realise just awful my parents were. Everyone says parenthood will make you appreciate your parents more, but honestly it had the reverse effect on me. It was so painful realising what they had to the little baby that was me. I felt so angry with them, and since then have gone low contact. I can't get past the kind of people they are. As a result they see very little of any of us.

We can not change what they did to us op, but we can change everything for our own children.

Read up on gentle parenting, this for me was a guiding light to raising my children without any anger or violence. It gave me insight into how I could be different. I have loved my children fiercely all of my life, and raised them with kindness and by being gentle, and never ever violence. Now they are teenagers I am still here if they need me, and we are super close. You can change it, because you recognise the dangers present from your own childhood. You can't change the past, but you can definitely shape the future.