Being smacked as a child has caused me long lasting harm

[Bibijayne]

Mid-30s. I was smacked a lot as a child. I have ASD. My parents did not smack me.until advised to by a doctor when I was 2 or 3, because I was just naughty and girls can't be autistic.

So smacked I was. A lot. Often very hard. At least once or twice a week at some points.

My parents are mortified now.... Decades later. Admit it was wrong etc.

But it meant I never felt I could go to them with problems as a child and teen. Bullying, say nothing. Sexual assault, say nothing. Eating disorder, say nothing.

And obviously, that has long standing implications for my life as an adult.

As a mum to a toddler now, it's brining a lot back. Especially how I have no good role model memories for dealing with two year old meltdowns. Learning distract, distract, distract. Which works well. But I've found reflecting on those memories is really painful.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

[quote Poppyismyfavourite]@BeingATwatItsABingThing Well you're clearly still keen to disagree with me so I think I'll leave it there! I've said all I want to![/quote]
I do disagree with you. There are no circumstances where it’s ok to hit another person. Ever. Be them a child you are parenting or a partner or a colleague.

[madbirdlady22]

By the way I seriously doubt any doctor would recommending abusing a child physically at any point in history. I don't believe this happened at all, and they are somehow blaming the doctor for their own terrible behaviour towards you.

Almost like, you know we were 'told' to hit you by a professional, it shifts the blame and responsibility away from them.

[yellowroses16]

I am sorry this happened to you, it was wrong. Ihaven't read the full thread but what doctor advised your parents to do this? If you have the time, energy and motivation please have them reported to their professional body. Whilst they may have retired they may still be on a register if still alive.

I am in my early 50s and I was hit too by my parents, as were my siblings - it was definitely more the norm then but that still doesn't make it right, and it has caused life long damage to some family relations.

[madbirdlady22]

and a parent teaching a child not to do something that they know is not allowed because it's dangerous

Surely you do know poppy that you can teach children about anything including things risks and dangers without hurting them in any way.

It sounds to me as if you are justifying your behaviour or someone close to you. There is not a single reason in the world that would justify hitting or smacking another human being whether they are 1 or 101.

[Fanthorpe]

My question to you Poppy would be if you thought it was alright for you to be disciplined in that way why wouldn’t you do the same for your own children?

You’ve accepted that you were the one to blame and that you deserved to be walloped because you believe your parents love you and want the best for you.

But something stops you from hitting your own children and I just wonder what that might be, for you?

[Nemchangetoday]

I really feel for you - it was wrong and smacking leaves lasting damage.

Smacking left me with lasting damage - I don't love my 'mother' I communicate with her and I am civil but there is no connection or love. I merely tolerate her. Sad really but hitting isn't useful and can be quite damaging too.

[Nemchangetoday]

It is really interesting having read lots of posts how many people were hit and now make a very concerted point never to hit and make sure they are completely different to their parents..... it's a shame our parents didn't realise how awful if was.

My mum used to hit me on the back of the legs with a wooden spoon...for the slightest thing deemed naughty. We live at other ends of the country and have a very strained relationship. "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" was the phrase in our house. I, like a pp, have used my childhood as an example of how not to do it!

[Itwasntme1]

I haven’t read the whole thread, but just wanted to say it’s refreshing that your parents now realise that it was wrong.

I remain amazed that adults could ever think its acceptable to hit a child, when they would Be prosecuted if they had done that to An adult.

[Fanthorpe]

Nem I think a lot of parents took their cue from the legal position, corporal punishment was allowed in state schools until 1986. Thank god it was stopped.

[diddl]

@category12

I find it hard to believe a doctor would have advised smacking. Twenty years ago is not the dark ages.

I was also thinking the same.

It seems to me that they took is as a green light to smack for anything & everything!

I was smacked in the 60s-rarely.

Always as a last resort & after a warning.

As far as I know it was the same for friends.

Even though it was acceptable, it still wasn't used as a free for all!

[Poppyismyfavourite]

@Fanthorpe I think I see it as OK that my parents hit me because at the time it was much more acceptable socially, and much more widespread. Legally too - I believe it was legal to smack a child with your hand. (?)

Interestingly though... what they did was a significant "level" milder than the discipline they got as children. I remember my mum telling us that the headmaster at her school hit her with "the slipper" for sliding down the bannisters. I guess it's not a massive surprise that my generation feels that corporal punishment is even less acceptable.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I would take comfort in the fact that your parents have at least acknowledged that they were wrong. My mum still insists that she was doing the right thing and that I deserved it. It's really hard to move on.

[Fanthorpe]

It is illegal to hit a child in the U.K. unless it is reasonable punishment. So it’s still acceptable in the eyes of the law.

[chaoticisatroll55]

I remember my mother smacked me when I was a teenager so I smacked her right back and that was the last time it ever happened. Vile practice. As you can imagine our relationship was never great. I have a very different one with my teens.

[diddl]

It's strange as this would have been advised when corporal punishment in schools was being abolished!

[5foot5]

I find it hard to believe a doctor would have advised smacking. Twenty years ago is not the dark ages.

Ditto.

I was brought up in the 1960s and I don't think I can ever remember being smacked. We certainly knew not to step out of line, but I don't remember my parents ever resorting to physical punishment.

[diddl]

Even if a Dr did advise smacking, OP's parents could have questioned it or decided against it.

[Fanthorpe]

it was never reasonable or correct advice, let alone medical. The doctor should have been reported. It’s like the Victorian idea of treatment. He could easily still be practising, incidentally!

[Achangeagain1]

20 years ago isn’t the 80’s though - it’s the year 2000! I’m really shocked that a doctor would advise smacking!

[Fanthorpe]

the OP is mid 30’s and the advice given when she was 2/3, so late 80’s is correct.

[Achangeagain1]

@Fanthorpe you’re right - sorry! Think I got that from someone else’s later post. That will teach me to read the op properly!

[dottiedodah]

Times have changed a huge amount for the better (thankfully!)Its hard to remember how once smacking seemed to be the answer really isnt it?As a child ,my friends Dad who was a policeman would take his belt to the boys if they misbehaved ! Shockingly we didnt take much notice when he mentioned it! Maybe some counselling would help .Many parents then felt their children were under their control ,and would be embarassed if they felt their children were "naughty" and some parents were maybe more concious than others of this. I think there is a line we wouldnt cross today as well .There is better guidance ,counselling and sites like this one with helpful advice as well

[Fanthorpe]

No need to apologise Achange I had to go back and check. To be honest when I first read it I somehow got the impression this was advice from much longer ago.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

It is illegal to hit a child in the U.K. unless it is reasonable punishment. So it’s still acceptable in the eyes of the law.

Which is the saddest part of all - not only do we have empirical evidence that smacking does long-lasting harm to children, we still have clauses in our laws to allow for it.

OP there is no excuse, no reason and no behaviour that allows for smacking as far as I'm concerned. I'm so sorry that you're carrying a weight like this, I hope you can get past it.

[Bibijayne]

@5foot5

I keep thinking the mid 80s was a couple of decades ago. Obviously this is a bit of denial about my middle age. Doctors really did believe that girls could not be autistic back then. This was reiterated by other medical professionals when I was slightly older and I remember it. Teachers likewise - I was insolent. Not autistic.