Being smacked as a child has caused me long lasting harm

[Bibijayne]

Mid-30s. I was smacked a lot as a child. I have ASD. My parents did not smack me.until advised to by a doctor when I was 2 or 3, because I was just naughty and girls can't be autistic.

So smacked I was. A lot. Often very hard. At least once or twice a week at some points.

My parents are mortified now.... Decades later. Admit it was wrong etc.

But it meant I never felt I could go to them with problems as a child and teen. Bullying, say nothing. Sexual assault, say nothing. Eating disorder, say nothing.

And obviously, that has long standing implications for my life as an adult.

As a mum to a toddler now, it's brining a lot back. Especially how I have no good role model memories for dealing with two year old meltdowns. Learning distract, distract, distract. Which works well. But I've found reflecting on those memories is really painful.

love and hugs @ShebaShimmyShake

I find it hard to believe a doctor would have advised smacking. Twenty years ago is not the dark ages.

Thank you, @Bibijayne, and back at you. It's just meant to reassure you that you're not mad or over sensitive or unreasonable to be so affected by it. I am damaged by it and I'm neurotypical. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be autistic, and get that treatment instead of what you actually need. Remember that it wasn't your fault.

I am sorry OP my dc are 22 and 25. They got a very occasional smack, never premeditated. DD still talks about her smack - on the arm and it left marks. Immediately after she whacked her brother on the head with a bag of stones.

I think it's horrific that a Dr told your parents to smack you for "bad behaviour" arising from undiagnosed autism.

I got the odd smack and hardly remember it. But I do remember the emotional abuse - being ugly, mousey, quiet, not vivacious - failings in my mother's eyes.

I do remember how upset I was when my son was born when I realised I could never do anything to hurt him (despite two or three smacks).

I can relate.

I found the distraction technique very useful once I got the hang of it, and also telling your child what it is you want them to do (and in the order that it is done!) and praise for doing what you want really helpful.

It was a matter of learning from scratch.

I used to get my face slapped, hair and ears pulled and so forth for daring to answer back, which was deemed as crime of the century when I was a child. This carried on into my teenage years. I hold a great deal of resentment about it. There is no doubt my family would be on the Children’s Services radar if I was a child now.

Oh OP. Reading your updates, the reasons for smacking, the frequency and the force sound much much worse than the odd tap on the bum that myself and a lot of the people I knew got when we'd misbehaved badly. It sounds abusive. No wonder it has affected you so much. Any ASD or a NT child that is uncomfortable with showing affection is going to feel a million times worse at being physically punished for not wanting to hug relatives etc. I'm sorry.

I was smacked once or twice and I can’t say it damaged me emotionally. Funnily enough the person who did me most harm lashed out with words instead of physically. So I’m now very mindful that damage as a child is done not just with hands but with language.

I'm really sorry. I can totally understand why it was so damaging.

I also think being a Mum forced you to confront lots of feelings that you can kind of "skate over" before you have your own kids. In my case that's been a positive (realising how worrying certain things must have been for my parents, for example, and how they managed to support me despite their own worries). But I can see it works both ways.

I'm a bit older than you (mid 40s) and was smacked as a little child, which was very common then: my Mum said she stopped when I hit her back at about age 3, and she realised she was teaching me to use violence to solve problems. It means my younger sister never got smacked (she was born when I was 4), and I'm not sure it made much difference in how we grew up. I guess we will never know.

I remember my best friend at school getting smacked aged about 10 or 11 and being really shocked, so I think that was already unusual and unacceptable by the mid 80s with an older child (though I don't suppose I said anything or did anything, as I had no idea how to handle that kind of thing).

My daughter is autistic and I realised when she was diagnosed that I might be too. But I think my parents were very accepting of those traits (e.g. the fact I'd completely fail to respond to them talking to me or shut down around unfamiliar people etc. was just seen as a "quirk" and I'm sure they got annoyed sometimes but they never made me feel like a terrible person for any of it). I suspect my Dad is autistic too, so that probably helped a lot in terms of parenting!

I don't know whether you've already seen any of her work, but Felicity Sedgewick has done a lot of interesting research on female autistic friendships and relationships. There is sadly a lot of sexual abuse and other abuse against autistic women and girls, as well as a lot of eating disorders (as you probably know!)

I really hope we can make it better for the next generation of autistic girls.

I was smacked a lot as a child and it stopped until I was 16. I think at times I deserved it but I think my mother took it too far at times. For example hesitating on a maths questions or beating me more than what she should have. I’m not English but born here and all my other brown friends have been smacked so I don’t feel as bad about it as it’s in our ‘culture’. I know others would feel horrified. However, there is definitely some resentment towards my mother because of it. I definitely had worse beatings then my other brown friends. But overtime I’ve learnt to try and forgive. Perhaps you should try and talk to them and I hope you can forgive them.

Ah, this sounds really hard OP. I was smacked as a child but for genuine occasions of naughtiness and not for being who I was.

This must have been much harder, to be physically punished for who you are and for already struggling with how to manage a social situation. And also for being punished in such a way that explicitly infringes your likely existing difficulties with physical contact and sensory issues (if you have them).

I hope you can find a way through it, and yes, smacking was pretty normal early 80s in my experience anyway.

OP I’m sorry you’ve had this experience growing up.

I was smacked but always out of parental anger never punishment (although I disagree with smacking completely at the time there was a legal distinction where I lived) - I wasn’t smacked often as a child but in my teens and early 20s when my mum struggled with what she called my unacceptable behaviour (I’m neurodivergent) she’d lash out at me quite violently. Looking back it traumatised me and having kids of my own it made me understand even less how a person can hurt their child so willingly. Neither of mine have ever been smacked. I clearly remember the last time my mother went to hit me, I was 22 and I stood up for myself and she wasn’t happy. She stopped with her hand right next to my face and realised I was taller than her, stronger than her and her face must have seen how mine reacted as I didn’t even flinch. It was all still my fault at the time and she has no recollection of any of it now. Thankfully ? My brother does remember so I don’t feel like maybe I’d blown it up in my head to be bigger than I thought.

I now live in fear of others’ anger. Even harmless natural anger not aimed at me has me freaking out. For decades I was too scared to show or experience anger myself, firstly in case
Of repercussions but also because I didn’t want to be like my mum.

Diagnosis for me changed everything and my
Mother apologised for not understanding me enough. I know, seeing her now she feels immense guilt at not recognising my autism sooner and for her treatment of me Growing up but she’s never apologised for the beatings.

I do let my children see me angry (mostly politics) but I never get angry at them. I’m mid 40s so not much older and was smacked in the 80s then I guess assaulted through the 90s til I left home

OP this happened to me too and has affected all parts of my life. I find it hard to trust men (my dad was the main culprit) so my love life has been disastrous for many years, whenever something bad happens I try to sort it out myself instead of leaning on my lovely friends because I have been taught that I can only depend emotionally on myself, even in a work setting when everyone is joining in a team chat because they're used to things they're saying being listened to I shy away because I was punished for being too boisterous as a child.

I used to be very bitter and angry about it. Now that I'm older I see my dad for the damaged man he is and I feel sorry for him. Sorry you had to go through this. x

I was smacked as a child (mainly with the hairbrush, the remote or just mums hand) I had male friends who were hit with belts and all sorts. I think it was pretty normal in the 80s and 90s (to me anyway). Doesn't effect me now though. I wasn't beat or anything and can't remember the pain or feeling scared. Remember trying to dodge flying objects my mum chucked though when I was fighting with my sister 😂 I remember hating my good friends dad as I knew he would hit him with a belt, but my friend loved him and to this day they are very close. We discussed it once and my friend said he got where he is today as his dad disciplined him and he strived to be the best (I still dont think the belt was right). it obviously affected you badly OP I hope you manage to get help with it.

I am also 36 and was also spanked (sometimes with the wooden spoon or a hairbrush). My parents were teenagers and just did what their parents had done - they had no support group or peers with kids or anything like that, so in a lot of ways they brought us up exactly as they had been in the 60s and 70s.

Having kids has made me realise that my automatic reaction is to smack when behaviour gets to a certain point. I did spank the kids a few times as toddlers but have gradually managed to teach myself not to. It was a struggle to stop myself, though, and that scared me.

Bibijayne

I hear you. My mum was smacking me so hard one night she sprained her wrist. I do not speak to her now and I have never smacked my children. The memories are coming back because you felt how vulnerable your child is.

There are lots and lots of good parenting books to read. Steve Biddulph has some great books out, Raising Girls & Raising boys.

There are also lots of great parenting podcasts, especially for toddlers.

You be the positive role model to your child.

It’s hard to forget.xx

I was smacked a lot by my mother in the 70s and early 80s - it's my strongest memory of my relationship with her

Me too. Except my mother died when I was 8 and I find it really difficult when people tell me what a wonderful person she was because almost all I can remember of her is her temper. It's very sad.

I liked Steve Biddulph's Secrets of Happy Children - it was very positive and helped reprogramme myself from not knowing anything but smacking and authoritarian parenting.

Smacking always seems to be used by parents who are from the "because I say so" school of non-thought, rather than raising children to behave a certain way because it's kind otherwise good and beneficial.

I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and how it is continuing to affect you. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that I really empathise, and that I found having children brought everything back to me that I’d pushed way down; I look at my children and I cannot imagine how my parents wanted to cause their children to feel pain. Smacking in our house wasn’t a quick heat-of-the-moment flash-of-anger thing - they were planned sessions and they felt like they went on for ages and i would have to go and lie down in my bed for a while afterwards to recover, and I remember, for example, rolling around on the floor crying while my father hit me with a cane and my mother came to the door and watched and said “ah very good”. This would have been for some kind of minor transgression such as losing something or breaking something or eating something and generally the punishment was something that would be scheduled so we had the agony of anticipation. I can’t remember when it stopped - I don’t remember my younger sister being hit like this and she’s 6 years younger, but that would mean my parents were hitting an under-6 and I have a 6 year old now and it makes me very upset to think about it, so maybe I am misremembering when it happened or maybe it went on after my sister was around but stopped before she was old enough to anger them enough.

I do remember getting on sort of ok with my mum as a teenager (my dad died) but when I had children it has had the effect of pushing me away rather than making us closer. I think I’d imagine that I’d see things more from my parents’ perspective, but the opposite has happened - yes my kids sometimes drive me up the wall and I get cross and I shout and I boss them about, but I never lay a finger on them and I always try to apologise and explain that I had got angry and upset and that I love them and I hope they will always see me as a source of comfort and support. And I don’t think she remembers what happened as being something that was serious to me (or if she does, she has never addressed it with me but then I’ve never addressed it with her either).

Sorry bit long winded there and i didn’t mean to pour all this out on your thread but yes, I can really see why you feel the way you do and I really hope you find a way through it that works for you.

Having children makes you look back at your own life. My mum hit me when I was a kid, I used to wake up scared to get out of bed until I knew what kind of mood she was in. Once she stopped hitting me when I turned about 14 she ripped into me verbally and nothing I did was ever good enough. I have no doubt that now a days she would have been reported to social services for abuse. As an adult my friends have all let me know that what happened at my home was far from normal. As an adult I know I am emotionally distant from everyone because of my upbringing.

Having my son, made me want to be the complete opposite to my mum. My son had the back of his hand smacked 3 times when he was smaller, but I realised that I didn't like the way it made me feel and how on earth could I ask him not to hit people if hitting was my recourse.

You can break the pattern, you do not need to go to hit as a default. There are all sorts of great books out there, one I find really helpful was raising boys by Stephen Biddulph. Another one was called 123 Magic which is a gentle discipline method which gives you both time out when things aren't going so well.

It's really hard when you don't have a positive role model to emulate, but do plenty of reading and remember that you can break the mould.

My mum has diagnosed BPD and started smacking beating from age 4 she was also emotionally abusive when I was 13 she threw me down the stairs and asked me to kill us both with a pair of sharp scissors. I got PTSD and depression I don't think it's something you ever get over not fully even after years of therapy I don't feel angry anymore just sad it's my past and I have to get on it with living the best I can. I let DD get away probably too much because I want her to have a happy childhood

My mother was right slapper and she would proudly tell people that she'd never hit me around the head
Not seen her for decades mind.... my choice

She stopped with her hand right next to my face
You shoulda slapped that bitch upside the head girl
I know I wish I had....I remember that time, I answered her back, she went for me realised that I was going to fight back and she better back off
I know it's wrong but she fucking deserved it