Being smacked as a child has caused me long lasting harm

[Bibijayne]

Mid-30s. I was smacked a lot as a child. I have ASD. My parents did not smack me.until advised to by a doctor when I was 2 or 3, because I was just naughty and girls can't be autistic.

So smacked I was. A lot. Often very hard. At least once or twice a week at some points.

My parents are mortified now.... Decades later. Admit it was wrong etc.

But it meant I never felt I could go to them with problems as a child and teen. Bullying, say nothing. Sexual assault, say nothing. Eating disorder, say nothing.

And obviously, that has long standing implications for my life as an adult.

As a mum to a toddler now, it's brining a lot back. Especially how I have no good role model memories for dealing with two year old meltdowns. Learning distract, distract, distract. Which works well. But I've found reflecting on those memories is really painful.

OP I rarely talk about my childhood but my mother really didn't like me, and was verbally and physically abusive. Recently I did speak to a counsellor which I think helped me. But the counsellor was a bit taken aback when I told her I'm grateful to my mother! My reasoning is, that my mother taught me how to be a good parent - I just thought "what would mother do?" and then I did the opposite. Every time. My kids are adults now and they've turned out very ok.

I think I'll always carry the sadness of my unhappy childhood within me, but it doesn't define me and I'm proud of the person I am. And I'm all my own work!

Go for counselling, and be kind to yourself. Then if at all possible try to look forward rather than backward.

I can relate. I too was damaged by being hit as a child, however I try to spin it around as a positive in a way. You know how it felt, you know that isnt what you want for your child. You know you want to be approachable and not have your child be scared of you. Thats a pretty good starting point.
Time outs and talking to your child will do what you need. It's what I did with DD, and shes pretty well turned out.

What I will say, is that if you're finding it hard now, you may find a lot of your children's upbringing to be quite triggering. It's something I have realised through her childhood and reminders of how I was not cared for arise very often, usually when I'm doing the opposite of what was done for me.

It will be ok. It's just a learning curve, trying to learn a different way to what you know.

The dr who told them to has to take some responsibility here, however I am sorry to say that your parents clearly took it too far. I am glad they have accepted that they were wrong. They now need to help you sort your emotions out and to make sense of it.

Definately sounds way OTT for being smacked, going over the line to abusive.

Theres smacking, and theres SMACKING! Im not ashamed at all that Ive smacked my kids when they've really behaved unacceptably and they havent done it again. Most people should be able to judge the difference between abuse and discipline. Sadly many are not hence the laws being brought in

By your account it was done on a whim if you annoyed them. I highly doubt they did this in response to a doctor as they are occasions that would anger someone with a short fuse and not disciplinary scenarios where measured medical intervention might be considered level headedly.

I'm sorry OP.

Having your own child does make you reflect on your childhood.

It sounded like you weren't accepted and loved for who you were and your behaviour was categorised as 'naughty' rather than a symptom of your ASD.

I feel smacking was often resorted to (and probably still is) when no other parenting strategies can be drawn on. Not to defend your parents but it sounds like they were out of their depth and the doctor they saw fobbed them off. They feel bad now so obviously see it wasn't the right thing to do.

Many modern parenting books focus on understanding and empathizing with children. Not that it means allowing them to do anything they want but recognising they are people with thoughts and feelings and helping them recognise and understand these will help them have a healthy sense of their selves.

A counselor may help you as the damage done as a child is hard to heal. Your little boy had a mummy who cares very much for him and that responsibility can be scary but it is just an expression of wanting the best for him. You know better than your parents and you'll do better

My father hit me quite regularly. I think he's a piece of shit and I've barely spoken to him since I was 17...the last occasion, when he repeatedly smashed my head into a door, gouged skin from my arms, ripped out hair, hit me in the face and kicked me in the stomach as I was on the ground.
That was the worst episode, but he had always been handy with his fists.
My mum never hit me, however I remember her telling him if I'd been "naughty" as a child, knowing full well I'd be hit.
We were close but resentment has built up over the years. She chose to stay with him, knowing what he'd done and now downplays it all. She claims she can't recall a lot of it happening, or says I was very difficult. It makes me so, so angry.
He was also very verbally abusive.
I now have an 18 month old and am due my second child in days. DS has reached the terrible twos six months early and can have some right tantrums. There is no way in hell I could ever imagine myself raising a hand to him. He is a child. He'll still be a child in 18 years, as his brain develops. I want to be the mum he can talk to, the mum who will give him a kiss and a massive cuddle if he's upset or overwhelmed. The mum who sees the best in him. Thankfully, I married a man who shares my values. He is so, so gentle with our little boy and is a bloody great role model.
He thinks I should get therapy because of my childhood, but I am not ready.
Sorry for the long post.

My mum used to hit me on the back of the legs with a wooden spoon...for the slightest thing deemed naughty. We live at other ends of the country and have a very strained relationship. "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" was the phrase in our house. I, like a pp, have used my childhood as an example of how not to do it! Plus I read lots of books.about child psychology and brain development....I am sorry that you had to experience that as a child. It's a horrible thing to go through. Having children can bring emotions to the fore, talk to your GP and ask for a therapy referral.

I too was hit as a child and up until I left home at 21, mainly by my dad. He had a horrible temper and would punch me on the arms, round the head, slap me in the face or push me across the room. I hate my parents and am non contact with them both.

In the future, our children will be resentful of us because we didn't try harder to use less energy and the earth is suffering. They will resent us for plastering their faces on social media from birth. They will resent us for not teaching them about internet safety, for not telling them about the jobs in areas we can't even imagine right now. They will say our helicopter parenting and divorces screwed them up, that we infantilised them while they were dealing with adult themes. They will say we didn't discipline them and gave them too much autonomy which confused them. Be kind to your parents. Parents are just humans fumbling along trying to do it right. I know I am.

By the way, this is for those who were smacked lightly and infrequently as children, as was I, when it was accepted. I don't think being frequently hit hard or with objects has been acceptable for at least 50 years now and I would consider that mindful abuse.

I was smacked and it hasn't done my long-lasting harm. I think psychological punishments are far more damaging.

Would you prefer a quick smack or to be told you can't go to a birthday party? I would have definitely chosen the former (had I been given the choice).

The caning that used to go on in schools even if you hadn't done anything was abuse. A quick smack because a child was about to rush into a busy road, isn't.

@Pluckedpencil and @cologne4711

I don’t think either of your comments are helpful on a post about someone who clearly is struggling to deal with the physical punishments she suffered as a child. This isn’t a thread for debating the right way to discipline a child.

I was smacked and hit by a slipper/belt/ hair drier. It definitely had. Negative impact on me.... all of it

My MIL, until I well & truly told her off about it, told me to smack to 'solve' toilet training issues and meltdowns in my ASD DS.

Sadly, I was smacked a lot. It taught me to believe I was stupid, and my side of the story not relevant. It's affected my ability, lifelong, to have belief in myself. I still hate my parents for it & our relationship will never be close.

When I was 12, mum commented I'd get smacked when my father got home. Told her if he tried I'd charge him with assault. I was told I was being silly, but, they never tried it again...... Smacking has come up recently & they've said the 'no harm' line, until I say it did. Then I'm called silly.....

I also can't understand why anyone would hit their kids.

It's a lot more complex than 'smacking/not smacking' it's about parenting as a whole. I was smacked infrequently as a child and whilst I don't agree with it, I don't believe it has caused any real lasting damage. My parents made mistakes and that was a mistake. But overall they were supportive and present. I can think of other mistakes they made that had more impact on our relationship. Ultimately it is about you OP and about moving on from the damage you feel your parents actions have had on you and for that you need to seek some form of counselling. Focus on your need so that you can be happier and a better mother for it.

It was acceptable at the time in one sense but many parents including mine badly misused it.

Both mine would smack to instill blind obedience. I obeyed not because they'd lovingly showed and explained how to behave but because I was terrified of them and constantly wary of being hit.

My father would hit us when he was in a bad temper. Most of the time we hadn't done the thing he was cross about - he either knew this or couldn't be bothered to establish the facts - it was as if the point of the hitting was not to chastise but to make him feel better. So, so wrong.

If we tried to explain that we had not done the thing, or there was a good reason for it we got hit again for "answering back". Even as a small child I would think "even criminals are allowed to defend themselves but I am not ".

Lazy selfish parenting that dehumanised children. I have never been able to confide in my parents.

For full disclosure I have very occasionally smacked my children. A couple of times was when I was at the end of my tether and one of them had done something that really physically hurt me (like slammed my hand in a door) and I reacted instinctively. That is very wrong and unacceptable and I told them so and apologised.

The other type of situation was where they had done something so dangerous that a warning system or reflective punishment (like time out) wasn't appropriate in my view and a short sharp shock was warranted. Examples are running into the road or opening the car door while I was driving.

My children are a handful but they can tell me anything.

I used to get smacked, not excessively hard but fairly frequent. A couple of times per week at least. I'm not sure when it stopped but I remember it happening in our "new" house when we moved, so at least six or seven, maybe a little older.

Sometimes maybe it was justified, other times definitely not. I remember feeling that if I opened my mouth or asked a question it might be taken as me being cheeky and lead to a slap.

So I didn't open my mouth. I stayed quiet and stayed in my room, only coming downstairs for meals - the rest of the time, if I were in the house, I'd be in my room.

At school I'd get told "I need to come out of my shell" and other bollocks like that. Fine, but staying quiet felt like a safer course of action. Speaking up = danger.

I'm still like it now. I hate talking to people. I'm afraid of them. Whatever I say will be wrong and I will upset or disappoint people. I just stay inside my flat as much as possible (the lockdown has been great, I've never felt better mentally speaking).

Like posters above, I'd definitely say that that I have a lot of the same problems and I'd say being hit as a child contributed quite heavily to the way I am now.
I made a mistake at work last year, and I was being spoken to and instinctively I flinched away from the person who was speaking to me because I now expect anyones dissatisfaction to be followed by an assault of some sort.

Also quite telling as a child that it was damaging. I could never concentrate on work because I was worried about being wrong and someone hitting me. At the age of 8 I didnt know the alphabet or how to count properly. I remember a teacher looking annoyed and asked me, Rumble what comes after 3? And I sat looking down, she asked, and asked. My answer was smack? The teachers phoned home about that, apparently I was a comical genius. It was so funny! Except they didnt grasp I couldnt count to 4 and the only thing i genuinely understood to come after three was to be hit.

I'm really shocked that 28% of voters have told a victim of abuse that she's being unreasonable for feeling that the abuse has caused her harm. I'm guessing they're the current crop of smackers.

For you OP

I went through a similar process of realisation to you when I had my children in my mid-30s too. It was very hard to deal with and brought up a lot of painful memories for me at a time that should have been one of my happiest. I ended up seeking therapy for it, which helped a lot. Delving into my mum's childhood helped too as I could see the patterns of behaviour. Obviously I have broken them with my own kids!

@ToBBQorNotToBBQ the point about whether it was something you perceived as normal at the time is I think the crucial one. I was exactly like you as a child, I also had a friend whose dad beat him with a strap and it made me so sad for him. So I guess I felt my much lighter punishments were kind of fine (although yes getting punched on the arm when I was 10 was very obviously not fine). I always wonder whether there's that much value in wondering why we are the way we are, I.e. whether various parental inputs made a negative difference. Parents are flawed. I am flawed. So I work on my flaws to be a better parent. I try not to resent my parents' sometimes poor choices, because it doesn't really get me anywhere. So....since I don't think I'm a bad person or a bad parent, I guess I also don't think my parents crappiness was that terrible.

I'm really shocked that 28% of voters have told a victim of abuse that she's being unreasonable for feeling that the abuse has caused her harm. I'm guessing they're the current crop of smackers.

Smackers always insist that nobody is harmed by it and that they know better than someone who says they definitely are. If we're lucky, we'll be told that they do it the RIGHT way. There is indeed a difference between a hysterical angry beating and a light smack, but the latter is still not acceptable and is the obvious gateway to the former. Once you've given yourself permission to hit your misbehaving toddler, it doesn't seem such a big step to slapping your teenager, and then of course you've already destroyed the main boundary that would prevent escalation. Oh, but the kids aren't damaged. The smackers say so!

If your child is old enough to be reasoned with, then for fuck's sake reason with them. If they're not, then for fuck's sake don't hit them - they can't understand why you're hitting them because they can't reason, remember??

Did any child ever suddenly STOP crying or screaming because you walloped them? Of course some prat is going to come back and say yes, but a) I doubt it and b) even if so, what, you think they stopped out of respect for you and the surroundings?

although yes getting punched on the arm when I was 10 was very obviously not fine)

I'm so glad you realise that.

Aw some of this is very sad.

I'm only 29 and was smacked as a child, but only occasionally (maybe every couple of months at most) and looking back I did deserve it really. One I remember was when I was 6/7, playing out on the street on my bike with my friends. We weren't allowed to go round the bend, as then my mum couldn't see us from the house, and we lived in a fairly dangerous coutry where kids did get kidnapped and ransomed / sold. I did go round the bend, and disappeared for a good while (maybe an hour). When I finally came home my mum was so angry with me for disobeying and making her worry that she smacked me.

All that said, I don't think I'd smack my own children.

You need psychological help. Maybe counselling. I have severe mental health illness caused by this.

Children who are abused by parents and carers normalise it by blaming themselves, saying ‘it never did me any harm’ is the result of that. A loving parent wouldn’t hurt a child without reason therefore the reason must be me.

There is no justification for an adult hitting a child, not discipline or punishment. It’s just violence.

I wonder if that’s what the doctor actually said, or whether they have developed the advice to suit their behaviour. Of course there are terrible doctors, but following such extreme advice seems so very cruel, particularly as it wouldn’t have addressed the problem, and in most parents would have caused anguish.