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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forced abortion

88 replies

djfkskfjd · 13/07/2020 14:45

Hello,
This is my first ever post on any forum, I thought maybe if I write my story somewhere , it will somewhat make me feel a bit better.

One week ago I found out I am pregnant (unplanned), I am around 5/6 weeks. I already have a 2 year old daughter, she has always been very demanding, and currently going through a very hard phase where she’s having tantrums non stop. The past couple of weeks have been an absolute nightmare for me, physically but most importantly mentally. And now this. I told my partner about this yesterday knowing that he wouldn’t want me to keep it (tried forcing me to have an abortion the first time). He said everything is my fault and I better get the pills. Ever since that talk I have been a wreck. I haven’t stopped crying, cannot physically do anything today, and just feel sorry for my daughter to have to watch her mum be in such a state.
I have been in touch with an abortion clinic last week, they sent me the pills, when they arrived I hid them and gave myself a bit more time to think things through.
I would really love to keep this baby, I know it may sound stupid but I already love it, and even thinking about having to kill it makes me cry my eyes out. I really cannot see a way out of this though, mainly because of my partner. He is abusive and a horrible person (never beats me infront of my daughter, we don’t live together, he is a brilliant dad). Also, I don’t feel like I will be able to manage a newborn and a very demanding toddler on my own ( I feel like my partner won’t want anything to do with it). I don’t want my daughter to lose a dad, they have a beautiful bond. My question is, will I ever recover from this emotionally? I feel like I will think about this baby every day for the rest of my life, wondering if it would have been a girl or a boy, what they would look like... i feel like I will never be able to forgive myself for doing this, but at the same time I feel like doing this is my only option right now.
Please don’t judge me, the last thing I need is to read rude comments. I know I am also to blame for this situation, but I just want to know if my life will ever be ok again.

OP posts:

Upsideandundergarments · 13/07/2020 14:52

He is not a brilliant dad. End of story. The implication in your post is that he does hit you away from your daughter, no man that does that can be a good dad or good person. Contact women's aid, look at the freedom program and get yourself away and safe. Your daughter will have a better life for it.

On the subject of your pregnancy, it is totally up to you. Don't let anyone - him or people on the internet - influence anyway. There is support available and benefits but it will be hard. Whatever you choose, you are strong and can do it!

babycakes1010 · 13/07/2020 14:55

He's not a brilliant dad to treat you how he does! Fuck him off and keep the baby

FizzyGreenWater · 13/07/2020 14:55

So he just beats the mother of his child when she's not there to see it, is about to force you to abort her sibling, is clearly as abusive as all hell, but he's a great dad?!

He's a fucking abysmal dad. An abusive aggressive shit of a man who will absolutely, 100% damage your daughter, teach her that his kind of man is all she can expect from a relationship, and when she grows older, he'll treat her as badly as he treats you.

I'm not judging you for an instant. It's easy to end up in an abusive relationship. You end up not knowing which way is up. Once you have kids it's even worse.

I'm judging him though!

You DO have an option. You leave him, you finish the relationship, and you have your baby.

You may think that's just not an option BUT IT IS. You don't live with him! Tell him the relationship is over - safely, when he's not there. Change the locks if you have a key. Tell him you've informed the police that he might come and attack you. Warn him off. Draft in any help you can - friends, family.

You love your daughter and want the best for her? Get her away from this nasty piece of work. Don't wait for her to get old enough to answer him back and the next thing you know you're watching the 'amazing dad' smack your daughter in the face wondering what the hell happened to Lovely Jolly Dad. Because that's what will happen - men like this aren't good dads, they are able to pretend they are when they are having fun playing with a sweet baby but it's just as fake as when he says he loves you one minute and hits you the next. An abuser is an abuser.

Please, you don't live with him, you can leave him.

Upsydaisyy · 13/07/2020 14:55

First of all he is NOT a brilliant dad. Brilliant Dads are not abusive to their child’s mother. Do you wish to leave him?

You need to think about what you want to do. Take him out of the equation when you make your decision

PasstheBucket89 · 13/07/2020 15:05

Please leave him first and foremost get out of there, he is very cruel and abusive.

Idontbelieveit12 · 13/07/2020 15:06

You need to speak to your local domestic violence charity.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/07/2020 15:10

Hes not a brilliant dad because he abuses her mum. Dint do something you dont want to do be use you're scared of him. There are loads of organisations that can help you, others know these better than me and I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions. Het help for you and your children. You deserve better.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 13/07/2020 15:12

Your dd doesn't know him really does she? He isn't great, he isn't anything but an absolute twat.
Keep the baby and ditch him.. Let a judge deem him safe to be around your dc. Your boundaries are too skewed to decide imo.
Next abusive episode ring the police. Imagine your dd in an abusive relationship...

InkieNecro · 13/07/2020 15:12

When he abuses you, he deprives his child of having the happy mummy they deserve. This makes him a terrible father.

HowFastIsTooFast · 13/07/2020 15:12

'Brilliant Dad' and ' horrible and abusive person' are mutually exclusive OP.

He cannot be both. If he's the latter then he cannot be the former. A brilliant Dad does not beat his child's Mother nor try and force her into an abortion. Imagine your DD growing up idolising him and then finding out as an Adult that he was actually a violent bully? She WILL think that's an acceptable way for Men to behave, if she's seen you accept it.

It's great that you don't live together, it will be easier to tell him it's over and not such a big adjustment for your DD. Can you get someone to come and stay with you for a bit, in case he turns up? Or can you and DD stay with family or a friend in safety while he calms down? x

Ulrikaka · 13/07/2020 15:13

He is not a "brilliant dad", he is an abusive twat.
Do what you feel is right for you about the pregnancy, but don't stay with the low life. Never beats you in front of the child?? If you don't leave him, social services may well step in if they feel your child/ren are in danger. Don't let that happen.

MidnightCitrus · 13/07/2020 15:13

You are lucky as you already live apart - please do not stay in a relationship with this 'person' - he is not a brilliant dad, you know that already.

If you want to have this child, then have it. Do think about the implications of another child at the moment, but make up your own mind, you still have some time.

okiedokieme · 13/07/2020 15:14

He's not a brilliant dad. It's your choice alone but you need to leave him whatever your decision, you know that.

As far as how you will feel after aborting - it's hard, even now 16 years later I think what if but I wanted to give the children I had the best life possible and couldn't cope with another (eldest has asd so was still very hard to manage at 6)

VettiyaIruken · 13/07/2020 15:14

He's a brilliant dad because he only beats you when your child can't see?

Please please ask women's aid for help.

You need to escape.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/07/2020 15:15

Get help. Speak to midwife or gp today. No one can force you to do this. Good luck.

SinkGirl · 13/07/2020 15:15

OP, I think you have a very low bar, which is not uncommon when you’re being abused - what makes him a brilliant dad? The fact he doesn’t hurt you in front of her or the fact he’s nice to her for now, while she’s a toddler? Getting you and your daughter away from him would be the best thing you can do. Please don’t have an abortion if it’s not what you want - if you’re doing it because you don’t feel you can cope then that’s a different situation and no good person would judge you for it, but you can’t do it for him.

CuppaZa · 13/07/2020 15:17

No one can force you to have an abortion.

He is not a good dad. He is a shit dad. He is a shit partner. He also sounds dodgy as fuck.

MiddlesexGirl · 13/07/2020 15:18

Please please leave him.
Your stress levels will go down and you will be able to devote your energies to parenting your 2 year old.
Do you have family or friends that would help if you decide to go ahead with your pregnancy?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/07/2020 15:19

You need to get the fuck away from that man. Also, if you don't want to have an abortion then absolutely do not do it

Soontobe60 · 13/07/2020 15:20

As has already been said, he is not a brilliant dad. A man who abuses the mother of his child is not a brilliant anything! The fact that he thinks it's ok to treat you like he does actually means he qualifies for the award of shittest father of the year.
You need to get rid of HIM!

Stripeytopgirl · 13/07/2020 15:20

OP you’ve had lots of brilliant advice here, I hope you have the strength to take it.

Littlemeadow123 · 13/07/2020 15:22

He is not a brilliant dad. He is abusive and you need to leave.

Don't let him force you into an abortion. You will regret it.

You are a strong woman, you can leave. You can manage on your own with two kids just fine. Yes it will be hard, parenting is, but raising two kids on your own will be easier than staying with him. You will have two beautiful children who in turn will have a happy mum who is safe from abuse.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/07/2020 15:25

I'm going to echo the others.

He isn't a brilliant Dad, he's a vile excuse for a man.

Don't take the pill. You want to keep the baby and you'll regret it. I've had an abortion, it was 100% my decision and I was supported by my partner and it was the right thing to do at the time. I've never regretted it however judging by what you're saying, I think you will. You want this baby and you're only considering an abortion because that horrible man is forcing you.

TuttiFrutti · 13/07/2020 15:29

I agree with previous posters, you would be a lot happier if you left your dp, who is clearly abusive.

You must do whatever feels right in your heart about the pregnancy. it sounds as if you would really regret an abortion - you are already referring to it as a "baby" rather than a foetus and saying you feel love for him/her.

Original poster

djfkskfjd · 13/07/2020 15:29

Just reading through your comments and crying my eyes out, thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I am done with him no matter what I decide to do, this was the last straw. I have decided to give myself another day or 2 to think about what I want to do, I don’t want to leave it too late. Unfortunately I don’t have support from anywhere so whatever I do I will have to face on my own. Thank you all again cx

OP posts:

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