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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forced abortion

88 replies

djfkskfjd · 13/07/2020 14:45

Hello,
This is my first ever post on any forum, I thought maybe if I write my story somewhere , it will somewhat make me feel a bit better.

One week ago I found out I am pregnant (unplanned), I am around 5/6 weeks. I already have a 2 year old daughter, she has always been very demanding, and currently going through a very hard phase where she’s having tantrums non stop. The past couple of weeks have been an absolute nightmare for me, physically but most importantly mentally. And now this. I told my partner about this yesterday knowing that he wouldn’t want me to keep it (tried forcing me to have an abortion the first time). He said everything is my fault and I better get the pills. Ever since that talk I have been a wreck. I haven’t stopped crying, cannot physically do anything today, and just feel sorry for my daughter to have to watch her mum be in such a state.
I have been in touch with an abortion clinic last week, they sent me the pills, when they arrived I hid them and gave myself a bit more time to think things through.
I would really love to keep this baby, I know it may sound stupid but I already love it, and even thinking about having to kill it makes me cry my eyes out. I really cannot see a way out of this though, mainly because of my partner. He is abusive and a horrible person (never beats me infront of my daughter, we don’t live together, he is a brilliant dad). Also, I don’t feel like I will be able to manage a newborn and a very demanding toddler on my own ( I feel like my partner won’t want anything to do with it). I don’t want my daughter to lose a dad, they have a beautiful bond. My question is, will I ever recover from this emotionally? I feel like I will think about this baby every day for the rest of my life, wondering if it would have been a girl or a boy, what they would look like... i feel like I will never be able to forgive myself for doing this, but at the same time I feel like doing this is my only option right now.
Please don’t judge me, the last thing I need is to read rude comments. I know I am also to blame for this situation, but I just want to know if my life will ever be ok again.

OP posts:

MillyDilly · 13/07/2020 16:01

The mark of a brilliant father is that he doesn’t beat the mother in front of their child? Really? You have set the bar incredibly low OP. For goodness sake get away from this man. He sounds horrendous.

pinksoda35 · 13/07/2020 16:02

I always remember reading something on here-A wise Poster said that you will never regret having a baby, but would regret not having one!( something like that anyway)
Good luck with whatever you choose to do, please make it YOUR choice.

memememe · 13/07/2020 16:03

please keep your baby and loose the father. he is a terrible person. you can do this!!

Wannabangbang · 13/07/2020 16:03

Get to a refuse now, give womens aid a ring. You will have such a better life without him and then you can figure out what you want to do with this pregnancy after xxx

Tootletum · 13/07/2020 16:04

Keep baby, contact police and change the locks.

RandomUser3049 · 13/07/2020 16:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Veganforlife · 13/07/2020 16:07

Nasty bully ,end the relationship,keep the baby .you can do it

timeforawine · 13/07/2020 16:08

End things OP, you at an advantage that you don't live together. We're all here to offer support if you need to vent or ask for advice.
Take your time re the abortion. End things with him first and allow yourself time to re group your thoughts and feelings

Wannabangbang · 13/07/2020 16:10

Also be careful he could slip those pills into your drink, don't except any food or drink from him. I hate to scare you but it's a thought that came instantly to me. Get out of there

NellieandRufus · 13/07/2020 16:10

There is lots of support available for you, please access it. Women’s Aid is the first call you should make.

Do not take the tablets yet, you have plenty of time if YOU decide that you want a termination.

Malbecblooms · 13/07/2020 16:12

He's not a great dad and if you continue this situation, then you won't be being the best mum to your daughter either.

You can't be in a relationship with someone you have kids with and not live with them. It's not stable. He's clearly not treating you well and I don't know why you want your daughter around that. Regarding the new baby think about whatever is best for them but don't factor your partner in the decision.

Saladmakesmesad · 13/07/2020 16:14

It’s YOUR body. Nobody has a right to hurt it if tell you whether to have a baby or not. Please be strong and leave him. Imagine your daughter getting treated like you are now. What would you tell her? What will you tell her if you stay and she’s next?

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 16:19

I don't think you should take those pills. Please give yourself more time to think. I don't say that because I'm anti-abortion (I'm not), I say it because it sounds like you're being coerced into it and it's not what you want.

The implication in your post is that he hits you when your daughter is not around. This is really bad and you need to start documenting bruises, or any other evidence.

If he does this to the mother of his child, he is categorically NOT a great dad. No 2 ways about it. You need to start planning to leave asap. And leave the pregnancy as it is for now. You can deal with that later without his influence.

Original poster

djfkskfjd · 13/07/2020 16:19

@Handsoffisback due to COVID-19, most clinics prefer to send out abortion pills to you after a phone call, instead of you coming in

OP posts:

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 13/07/2020 16:20

I’m going to say exactly what everyone else has said.
He is not a brilliant Dad. He cannot he a brilliant dad if he is abusive to his children’s mother. Your dd might like him now, but when she is older she will begin to understand for herself what is happening. It will be very bad for her to be in a house with a man like him.

A judge can decide if he is safe to have contact, but keep note of everything he’s done to you so far, and a journal of any abuse, stalking etc going forward.

And split up with him. The very next time he is not with you. Tell him it is over. Change the locks (have this done in advance of telling him). Let the police know he might turn up and abuse you. Contact women’s aid and get any support you can around you.

You can do this.

And keep your baby if you want to.

wildone84 · 13/07/2020 16:21

Just read that you're not living with this man. Good. Change the locks.

You also need to read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft, I think there's a free version available online somewhere. It's about abusive men and it will help you to understand and break free.

Also the freedom programme is good - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Most of all you need to change your mindset about him, and these materials can help you to do that.

TryingtobePrepared · 13/07/2020 16:24

I work in criminal justice regardless of what you decide to please contact your local domestic violence support agency, your local council website, midwife, health visitor, GP or Pharmacist will all have details. Or as someone said above contact womens aid.

Domestic abuse is statistically riskiest when the woman is pregnant or thinking of leaving /just left. I'm not trying to scare you just please seek support you can get help. Services are really ramped up at the moment due too the increase in referrals / requests for help. They can help you with safety planning for staying with him or leaving, and won't try to persuade you to end the relationship if you don't want to.

I hope you find some peace with your decisions and get some support.

Helendee · 13/07/2020 16:32

Don’t get rid of your developing son or daughter, get rid of the real problem in your life.

perfumeistooexpensive · 13/07/2020 16:43

In eight months or so your DD will have matured a lot and the tantrums a thing of the past. She may also grow up from being a big sister. My XDP tried to force me into a termination before the days of pills. Like you, I felt something for the baby. I cancelled the first appointment, so he made me another, one Christmas Eve! I cancelled before I went to the hospital. He was furious but I wouldn't be without my DC now who has a Master's and gorgeous children. Get rid of the man and concentrate on yourself and what you want.

MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee · 13/07/2020 16:47

OP, .

Original poster

djfkskfjd · 13/07/2020 17:36

Creating this post and reading all of your comments has really cheered me up, and gave me strength. Thank you all so so much. Never thought I’d receive so much support. Thank you guys. I hope the next post I make on here will only be a positive one

OP posts:

ClaryFray · 13/07/2020 18:01

Get rid of him and keep your baby.

Somethingsnappy · 13/07/2020 18:16

You will have support OP. Support from women's aid and anyone else you contact to help you, as well as mumsnet of course!
Your baby is yours, and nobody can force you to have an abortion if you don't want to. If you want to keep the baby, this is your decision to make. Keep posting here! Lots of people have found the courage they need to do what is best for them, through the support they receive on this forum xx

Lonelylockdown22 · 13/07/2020 18:19

DO NOT have an abortion unless you are absolutely certain of it. Take it from someone who has always regretted the abortion they had.

Deadposhtory · 13/07/2020 18:24

Get rid of the poor excuse of a man and keep your baby

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