To not want contact?

[SilverStripeyTabby]

So NC for this one and bear with me cos this sounds like the plot of a crap novel....

My mum has three children from a previous marriage - he was a highly respected professional man but massive issues with DV, raped her within their marriage, many, many dreadful things happened to her. She met my dad and they fell in love.
His parents (he was still living at home) loved her, but didn't want and didn't have the room for, three children who weren't their grandchildren in their little rented terrace with outside toiler. This being the suburban 1960s, what the neighbours thought was very much a thing. When the divorce came through mum and ex were offered 50/50 custody and mum considered it best and least disruptive for her children to leave them with their father in the family home full time.

So fast forward 60 years, and her first family would like to be be in contact with her. Mum is in her 80s, frail, early stages of dementia, and in sheltered accomodation, and she doesn't think she could cope with the emotional upheaval that it would cause her to resume contact - not to mention the possible disappointment for all parties after so long.

Seems they also want to have contact with me. Obviously we have the same mother but other than that we were brought up in different worlds, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. I'm not curious about them: I've grown up knowing about them but I don't feel that I'm missing a piece of my life. From what I hear of them we have nothing in common more than a shared biology. (That sounds snobby but that's not what I mean - let's say from what mum has been told they would not approve of my lifestyle.)

AIBU to want to leave sleeping dogs lie and to decline contact?

@Motoko

You have no doubt been given a very conveniently sanitised version of events.

This^, and you've been discouraged by your mother to meet them, by telling you they wouldn't approve of you being gay. How can she know that, from a few social media posts that someone else relayed to her? It looks like she doesn't want you to meet them, to stop you finding out the truth.

Completly agree with this.

I have a friend who found out when she was a bit older that her dad had children from before he met her mum and had her and her two brothers that he never sees.

It makes me feel sick the thought of it. Imagine knowing that the parent who abandoned you went on to be a proper parent to their other children and pretended like you didn't exist. In a way I feel like it's worse than a parent who just doesn't see any of their children at all. At least then you wouldn't spend your life wondering why you weren't good enough but their other children were.

I too can't think of a single reason where this is acceptable, I really can't.

However OP isn't responsible for her mother's poor decisions. She doesn't have to meet anyone she doesn't want to.

I have a friend who found out when she was a bit older that her dad had children from before he met her mum and had her and her two brothers that he never sees

And by that I mean her dad has always been in her life, her mum and dad are still together, she thought he was best dad ever. And yet he has other kids he's never even bothered with?. How can you be a parent to some of your children but not others, I don't get it at all. It's despicable.

So your mother doesn't think she can cope with the emotional upheaval it would cause her now, yet was quite happy heaping a load of emotional upheaval on them then they were just children?????

Gobsmacked.

She. Has. Dementia.

I think you should be open to meet them.

At the risk of sounding like Dr Phil no one can give what they don't have. I don't know how helpful it is to say that this elderly woman "owes" her first children closure when it's unlikely she's even capable of doing this.

Also OP if you can't talk to these people without being flippant and dismissive of this situation (lol) then I think it's better not to talk to them at all.

@Pollypocket89

She. Has. Dementia.

Doesn't excuse her past actions. I doubt she had dementia for the last 60 years.

Those poor children. Op, out of all the people in the world who might judge you for your sexuality can you have some compassion and understanding for the ones who probably do because they were abandoned by their mother as a child and left with their abusive father and doubtless learnt all kinds of coping mechanisms as they grew including truly believing his values?

This is complex but the Mother is a very vulnerable person with dementia - the so called children will be in their 60s more than likely they are fully grown adults who whilst would be good for some closure for them it is not esential and has to be weighed against the damage they could also cause if they are for e.g. out for a rant against her. Many parents even today despite violence to a partner are allowed access to children in fact in this case he had been awarded 50% anyway so there was little or no risk to the children left behind. She was the person at risk and wasn't able to accommodate them in new relationship.

Personally I would contact them or have a third party do that and ascertain what they are looking in meeting her and if it is not hugely negative etc I would explain to them about your Mums condition and maybe suggest written contact in the first instance if your Mum is anxious about it

No, but that person doesn't exist anymore. So it absolutely changes the presenr/future which is where this current predicament lives unlike a lot of the posts on here

Present

whilst would be good for some closure for them it is not esential and has to be weighed against the damage they could also cause if they are

And who are you to say what is essential to those children? A lot of people require closure to move on. What about the likly damage the mother has done to those children by abandoning them, does that damage not mean anything?

Doesn't excuse her past actions. I doubt she had dementia for the last 60 years.

Of course it doesn't, but that's not actually relevant to the question of OPs decision now.

The AIBU is not whether mum's being unreasonable - that's her shout, not mine. It's whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting contact - they have contacted me separately.

YANBU; you don't know these people and you don't owe them anything.

If you choose to accept contact, it would be a kindness to them as I'd guess it may bring them some closure. However, you are not under any obligation, legal or moral; they are simply genetic siblings and you have no relationship with them. I'd suggest discussing it with a counsellor before making a decision to accept any contact. Choosing to be kind is a good thing but it is best to do so with the tools to cope with the consequences.

It may be worth seeing a therapist regardless, in case your mom changes her decision about contact.

@Cadent

Please don't make a comparison with my words which I have in NO way linked.

I clearly said fathers walk away without a backward glance and leave children. I believe this to be a disgrace.

BUT to MY mind, for a woman to do the EXACT same thing having BIRTHED these children, is a far greater betrayal.

To go on and have another family, and to have never bothered with her first 3 children is truly awful.

It is a greater betrayal to ME.

I in no way give women ANY responsibility for what a man does re rape or any other such heinous crime. EVER.

I make NO LINK whatsoever.

A womans consumption of drink or her clothes are NEVER an excuse for sexual assault.
In NO WAY WHATSOEVER.

You are linking two things that were never in my post.

I was speaking ONLY of a womans abandonment of her children being worse than a man's because we birth these children.

I hope that's crystal clear.👍

@billy1966

I make NO LINK whatsoever.

I understand what you were saying, and I didn't say you made the link. I made the link, and you'll note I said 'dare I say it', because it was me making the link.

I made the link to illustrate the dangers of holding women up to higher standards and I stand by it.

Your mother's children should know she has dementia, so they may prepare for that and the answers to their questions may not be readily available, but they may simply wish to hold her, to see her, to say goodbye even.

I don't think you can deny them the chance to see her again, they have spent a lifetime suffering already. Her feelings quite frankly are secondary at this point.

@madbirdlady22

Your mother's children should know she has dementia, so they may prepare for that and the answers to their questions may not be readily available, but they may simply wish to hold her, to see her, to say goodbye even.

I don't think you can deny them the chance to see her again, they have spent a lifetime suffering already. Her feelings quite frankly are secondary at this point.

The OPs mother is not prepared to see them, and has made that decision herself. OP is hardly in a position to force her, much less to enforce physical contact.

zombie what are you talking about? No one is enforcing physical contact.

Op could easily say to her mother that she feels that allowing them to visit is the right thing to do, and that after so much loss for sixty years - maybe she owes them that at very least.....

I am sorry but op's post is one of the most heartless and cold messages I have ever read on here in the decade and a bit I have been posting. It is extremely hard to imagine why she doesn't seem to feel any compassion for them at all. The indifference is pretty heartbreaking, not to mention what her mother has done to her own children!

@madbirdlady22

zombie what are you talking about? No one is enforcing physical contact.

Op could easily say to her mother that she feels that allowing them to visit is the right thing to do, and that after so much loss for sixty years - maybe she owes them that at very least.....

I am sorry but op's post is one of the most heartless and cold messages I have ever read on here in the decade and a bit I have been posting. It is extremely hard to imagine why she doesn't seem to feel any compassion for them at all. The indifference is pretty heartbreaking, not to mention what her mother has done to her own children!

You said the children might want to touch the OPs mother and that her wishes were secondary at this point. Which clearly isn't correct, because actually she's the person who gets the sole say on this matter.

Your posts read like you haven't taken any notice of what OP is actually asking: she simply is not in a position to grant or deny a wish in respect of someone else.

Interesting that the mum, who has 'early dementia' (diagnosed, or inferred from being forgetful? Early dementia can cover a wide range of possibilities) has nevertheless been able to say she can't cope with seeing her elder children. Lots has been said here about how vulnerable she is but she seems to have enough capacity to protect herself from this. Conveniently.

Disclaimer: yes, I have experienced the horror of having a parent with dementia. I smiled grimly at the suggestions the elder children might be after an inheritance: as most children of dementia sufferers know, you're more likely to be left with the worry of meeting the care fees. I hope OP remains as happy with her decision to go it alone further down the line when her mother deteriorates and all the distress of that is hers to cope with by herself.

Lots of people on here saying you don't owe them anyting, OP. But we all owe each other kindness, and it would be a huge kindness to them if you met them once and listened to them. It may be uncomfortable for you initially, but set against the suffering they have endured for years and the rejection they feel, could you not find it in your heart to do this for them, to spare them a further rejection. It would almost certainly mean far more positively for them than it would impact negatively on you. I hope you find it in your heart to do this for them, OP. Good luck with this situation.

I don't think this is a question of being unreasonable or not. It is far too complicated and personal for that. However, the children which havd been separated from their mother for all these years must have suffered and they are totally blameless. I think they deserve closure. But it's not up to me.

Would it be less of an upheavel for you to now just send them an email with pictures of her life and some tidbits? Doesn't have to take ages and maybe it gives them a little something that they might cherish.