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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

430 replies

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 11:13

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 13/07/2020 19:09

I always try to assume positive intentions... it's not unreasonable that she might not have included you if she were going with a specific friendship group (who also just happen to be part of the bridal party) however the fact that she obviously tried to be vague about who was going shows she knew it might upset you.

The least she could have done is been open and honest about it beforehand. It might have stung still, but at least she would have shown she gave you some thought.

footprintsintheslow · 13/07/2020 19:10

I wouldn't use any of the suggested messages. This needs to face to face like grown ups.

PennyinmyPocket · 13/07/2020 19:28

I wouldn't use any of the suggested messages. This needs to face to face like grown ups

💯

ilikemethewayiam · 13/07/2020 19:31

@sunshinewhereareyou

I agree with other PP’s, being owed money changes things substantially. You need to get that back first. Send a group message to everyone who owes you saying you are at the limit of your credit card now so need all monies owed by X date. Once you have it then you can send a text or email. I think it would be better by telephone but if you are fearing it getting confrontational then send a message. She may take offence at it being done by text and phone you anyway. You need to take a really deep breath and be very calm. Tell her, whatever her reasons are, are irrelevant, you don’t really want to hear it. It’s the evasiveness and secrecy that has humiliated and hurt you. I suspect she will try to defend herself with a myriad of excuses but you need to stand firm.

I think your suggested text sounds a bit too wordy to be honest. You need to be more succinct and to the point. Don’t ramble. Be polite but assertive. Be your own best friend and stand up for yourself. You’ll be proud that you did. I hate confrontation but when ever I’ve faced something head on that I was dreading, I felt really proud of myself afterwards!

Get your money back first!

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 13/07/2020 19:45

Sounds very hurtful. You are not her best friend OP.

Worstemailever · 13/07/2020 20:14

I have to agree re one of the posters who said that it might not be wise to text her whilst she's surrounded by her friends. She will immediately tell them all, and because they are a tight knit group, it's likely that she'll put her own spin on it and they will help enable her to justify it. They will nod along with her, get her wound up, and you will likely end up as the 'annoying needy oversensitive one', despite this poll being overwhelmingly in your favour. So perhaps wait until she is back. Then either text her (I don't think that I could be arsed to see her face to face), or go incommunicado. Just distance yourself and become the flakiest MoH ever, before resigning.

BurtsBeesKnees · 13/07/2020 21:02

I think the reason is irrelevant. She's lied to you, excluded you and your dh from a holiday and also excluded you when thanking people for their gifts. I'd refund the money from the hen do, not go, and resign as MOH. Life is too short for shit friends

Stellakent · 13/07/2020 21:44

I understand that you're upset but please don't send that list of issues. It makes you seem too over invested in the relationship. Do what an earlier poster said and say that you don't want to be her MOH and you don't want her to be yours. And step away. She doesn't deserve the emotion you are expending on her. Step away, she's not a friend.

Stellakent · 13/07/2020 21:44

I understand that you're upset but please don't send that list of issues. It makes you seem too over invested in the relationship. Do what an earlier poster said and say that you don't want to be her MOH and you don't want her to be yours. And step away. She doesn't deserve the emotion you are expending on her. Step away, she's not a friend.

Cociabutter · 13/07/2020 22:24

I'd want to know the reason tbh and would just send her a text saying this for when her plane lands ⬇️

Why??

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/07/2020 22:29

I think you should state the outcome you want on your text. As to me it reads like you are giving her chance to apologise and explain. If you don't want to go on the hen or be MoH I think just say that you wish her well but in the circumstances youd prefer to step down (if that's what you want). Also personally I'd lose the public thanking thing if she thanked you in person, I know it was a couple gift but normally it's ok if just one of the couple respond in some ways public or otherwise

Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 23:11

@pennyinmypocket I probably won't see her in person for months

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 23:14

I think the thing is I really want to have a conversation where she sees my upset and apologises and makes a change, then we can carry on being friends but in an improved friendship. Is that naive?

Also I've just seen the latest photo, all the girls in the sea hugging. That really hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 23:16

@OoohTheStatsDontLie she didn't thank me in person she sent a text. All other gifts they've both sent texts (I know this because one of the girls who is on holiday with them now sent me a screenshot of what the guy sent as it was a sarcastic message and she hates him) and posted it publicly too - it's odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 23:18

I've realised a few other things.

Her fiancé didn't wish me happy birthday the other day, they ignored my message on the day of their would be wedding, and she chose to not see me on my birthday for a socially distanced event because they randomly chose that date to move house despite having completed on the house months prior and knowing about my birthday for weeks and knowing it was still going ahead. They had no issues with COVID (as their non-air bridge holiday probably shows) and regularly saw people non socially distanced so that's not an excuse!

OP posts:
Rosspoldarkssaddle · 13/07/2020 23:20

Just send a message to say
Hi, looks like you and the rest of the wedding party all having a blast! Did you decide to get married abroad?

Then wait. No matter what her response, you know you need to resign as moh and to find yourself another moh for your wedding. She is using you to do all the running around when the time.comes but really does not see.you as important as her uni mates.

RebeccaPearson · 13/07/2020 23:29

Omg do nothing until you get the money back. Seriously.

Cherrysoup · 13/07/2020 23:57

If you are owed money, keep your gob shut til you get it.

If you send that message, be prepared for her to go non contact.

I understand your hurt and upset, I’d be really devastated too, plus I’d want to know her reasons, but if money is involved and/or you want to keep the friendship, don’t send that message.

gumball37 · 14/07/2020 00:14

Oh geez. You're a doormat.

So just don't say anything. Let her treat you however the fuck she pleases. Just so you can keep pretending she's your friend.... 🙄

footprintsintheslow · 14/07/2020 05:58

When is the plan for you to get your money paid back by everyone? When are people expecting to pay it? Normally it would be by the end of a month so that you don't incur any interest.

That is priority number 1

Priority 2 is to communicate effectively so you have a chance to air your thoughts, resolve them and remain friends.
You can do this in a way that makes you look needy and pathetic or you can calmly bring it up face to face and have an adult back and for conversation. Messaging can and does go wrong as it can be misinterpreted. I'm not underestimating how anxiety inducing that can be but it's the better way.

YoBeaches · 14/07/2020 07:24

where she sees my upset and apologises and makes a change, then we can carry on being friends but in an improved friendship. Is that naive?

Yes I think it is naive. She doesn't appear to value this friendship, or even want to be part of it.

This holiday fiasco makes her feelings about you very clear, in my opinion.

It's hurtful and upsetting. Not sure you need 'friends' like that in your life?

I would back away, and send her a message in a card by post - so she has to hold it and read it - when she returns to say that it was so hurtful you can't come back from it, you're gutted but wish her all the best for the future.

People don't change.

YoBeaches · 14/07/2020 07:27

Sorry just seen about the money - when was this due to be paid to you? When is the Hen? Can you cancel it and get a refund so her eventual new MOH can organise?

If you can get a refund to have that as back up, but if you can't I'd be calling that money in now.

Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 14/07/2020 07:59

I'll get the money back this month so can say it soon. I am tempted to ask if she's getting married abroad as that would provoke something - but I know she never would and she knows I know that.

I don't know. I've just been an absolute mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 14/07/2020 07:59

I'll get the money back this month so can say it soon. I am tempted to ask if she's getting married abroad as that would provoke something - but I know she never would and she knows I know that.

I don't know. I've just been an absolute mug.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 14/07/2020 08:02

Well that's great news about the money coming back. Try and hold your tongue till then and vent on here.