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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

430 replies

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 11:13

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

OP posts:
rosiejaune · 13/07/2020 17:50

One can't make someone else leave an abusive relationship.

But nor does one have to encourage staying in it by taking part in the wedding, as being married will inevitably make life much harder for her when she does want to leave.

So "being there for her" shouldn't just consist of listening to her recount experiences of abuse, while facilitating his further control over her (and potentially children).

Especially when multiple people know already (that's usually safer than only one person knowing, who he can easily cut out of their lives, as they don't like public shame). There is an opportunity here that isn't being taken; to show a united front and offer her another option than trapping herself.

randomer · 13/07/2020 17:53

I am there for her always
Why?

The80sweregreat · 13/07/2020 17:53

Bin her off.
It's her loss not yours. You deserve better.
Thanks

Ellisandra · 13/07/2020 18:22

@randomer because previously there was a good reason for their friendship and OP is worried for her, being in an abusive relationship?

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 18:25

I have decided what I'm going to do. I will wait until she is home (so you can all expect an update in a week! Woo) to send a message. I am a very anxious person and I just think they'd all end up talking about me if I said it whilst away and I don't want to deal with that.

I've also got a few thousand pounds sitting on my card for the hen so I want to be careful there too.

In the text I'll give her a chance but I'm going to state my main upset:

  • you never mentioned that you were going away with the others, I found it quite hurtful and secretive
  • I think it's odd how all your friends go away with you and yet I'm not ever included. You say it's because of your lack of closeness with Mr Sunshine but you could easily get to know him more.
  • I feel as though because I'm not part of the uni group I will always be a little bit excluded since you keep such separate groups but this is awkward for when I will meet everyone on your hen - I already speak to X and Y outside of wedding talk now.
  • I was quite upset that John didn't even mention the present I got from you. I've seen him publicly thank anyone else for their gifts, I'm not sure if it's because you value them less as they're from me?

Does that sound ok, I'm not sure if I'll bullet point or write as one narrative.

OP posts:
5LeafPenguin · 13/07/2020 18:28

I suspect that once it stopped being an official 'wedding thing' it reverted to a group holiday and she's gone with the people she always goes with.

She's not mentioned it because it's clear that you thought it was a wedding thing.
Maybe her power in this group is not enough to invite another person to join it or maybe she just doesn't want to add someone to the group.

Either way, it's fairly clear that while she's happy to be your friend when she's away from the group it's never going to expand to include you in the group. Your friendship to her is a stand alone thing not a reason for merging and meeting friends , and that's hurtful if it meant something different to you.

Concentrate on your wedding. Suggest that you drop being moh for each other because it's not really working out for the date change.

If (now you know how things are) you can carry on being friends on a one 2 one basis and enjoy that, then do it. If not back off.

randomer · 13/07/2020 18:30

I think it reaches a point when "being there" becomes untennable. The so called friend is about to marry an abuser. The so called friend has shown contempt for the OP. Rescuing is exhausting.

Ellisandra · 13/07/2020 18:33

I think state your points if you’ll have more closure getting them off your chest. But don’t don’t state them if it’s to try to get a response from her - you won’t get it, I think. You’re just giving her excuses to use (in places) - re the uni friends.

The money on your credit card... can the accommodation/event/whatever be cancelled? So you have leverage to get your money back if any funny business?

If not, I’d actually hold fire. I’d say credit card had to be paid so you needed £x from everyone. Once you have that, then drop out.

gamerchick · 13/07/2020 18:35

Do you mean you're organising the hen and you're holding everyone's money for it?

022828MAN · 13/07/2020 18:36

How odd, I personally wouldn't even bother giving her a chance to make an excuse. She clearly doesn't value you or your company.
I'd just send a message saying something like 'just seen you're on holiday with all the bridal party and didn't even mention it to me... I take it from this that I'm no longer MOH. Not to worry, have a good holiday and wedding. T'ra!'

FizzyGreenWater · 13/07/2020 18:37

A few thousand pounds on your card?!

Don't say a WORD until that is cleared -seriously.

Because this relationship is going to be over soon. I doubt you will be going on the hen, and if you do, you won't enjoy it.

Get the money back so that is sorted then drop out.

Ellisandra · 13/07/2020 18:38

@gamerchick I took that to mean OP has booked something for hen on her credit card - no money collected in yet.

I think OP should not assume that wealthy people will pay up. Especially if bride owes some of the money and there’s every possibility that dick fiancé is holding the purse strings!

Passiveaggressivewoman · 13/07/2020 18:39

@randomer

I think it reaches a point when "being there" becomes untennable. The so called friend is about to marry an abuser. The so called friend has shown contempt for the OP. Rescuing is exhausting.
I absolutely agree with this!

Op - time to cut your losses and move on. I wouldn’t (and you shouldn’t) even be a MOH. That “friendship” is not worth it at all. It will only continue to drain and hurt you. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You are not wanted. Let that sink in!

forrestgreen · 13/07/2020 18:39

If you are owed money I would sort that first. Ask all parties to send £x as your card is at its limit. You need it by x date.

Then address 'friend'

gamerchick · 13/07/2020 18:43

@gamerchick I took that to mean OP has booked something for hen on her credit card - no money collected in yet

Man, I was kind of hoping it was the other way around.

Yeah, sort that out first. Don't say a thing until it's sorted. Pretend like your credit card bill depends on it.

RealBecca · 13/07/2020 18:44

I'd have to say something and end the friendship. If he's controlling I wouldn't be giving her my blessing to marry him anyway.

PennyinmyPocket · 13/07/2020 18:44

@sunshinewhereareyou

Keep it simple

“It’s lovely to see you. What have you been up to?”

“Not a lot really”

“Awh have you been to your parents villa? I think I saw a post that you met up with the bridal party there?”

“Umm.... yes, but no, but yes.....”

“Hope you had a lovely time. How was I not invited- seeing as I am your MOH?”

“I dunno really.... I really wanted you there but, but, but......”

“I considered you as a good friend. You have hurt me more than you’ll ever know. Hope you have a great life with your abuser. I’m out now. Don’t bother turning up for my wedding. You are not welcome. Goodbye and Good Luck... you’ll need it! Don’t contact me ever again. I’m no longer interested” And flounce 😊 xx

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 18:44

@5leafpenguin before their wedding was cancelled it was just them two going before they flew to other destinations for a 4 week honeymoon in total.

I asked numerous times what was going on with them this summer and she evaded it.

OP posts:
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 18:47

I could get the money back easily if something happened I believe, I'd transfer the names etc. At the moment it's 2.5k (there's a lot of people invited not an extravagant thing!) but I'm not worried too much about it but also would rather still get to enjoy the part I've paid for...

OP posts:
RealBecca · 13/07/2020 18:49

Ps I've seen your text message idea update and no, it's not ok. It's a verbal conversation. Don't preempt her excuses, just wait until you next TALK and throw out "oh yes, it looked like you were all having fun." Watch her squirm and keep quiet, do some "hmmm" she'll likely offer up some shit excuses and then eventually get to the real reason. Then just say you found it really hurtful and ink is to leave you out. End the conversation and then cut her out.

If people don't pay you for the hen then cancel it all asap. You can probably recoup most of it if you really had to. Chances are though that theyll lay you any go but you wont be going and will lose the cost of yourself.

footprintsintheslow · 13/07/2020 18:53

Hang on now, money outstanding on a card changes everything for you.

Have you paid for things for other people and they are going to pay you back? There's no criticism in my question as it's quite common place to do that on a group going away.

But if you have, I would not send the bride any message about the holiday. This is a longer game now and you need to recoup your money as a main complaint priority. Then air your feelings.

footprintsintheslow · 13/07/2020 18:57

I would also not send your message as it's long.
What is good though is you've clearly set out what your feelings are. Use this as a list you keep to yourself to remember what you want to cover in the face to face conversation you have.

Cociabutter · 13/07/2020 19:00

Oh Sunshine I really feel for you. How horrible, hugs xx

MarioPuzo · 13/07/2020 19:06

Don't send that message talking about her behaviour in detail. She's not going to say 'yes, you're right, i am a shit person', it'll just be a big argument and you're getting bogged down in 'he said, she said'

Take the high road and send similar to 022828MAN 's message

just seen you went on holiday with all the bridal party and didn't even mention it to me... I take it from this that I'm no longer MOH. Not to worry, hope you had a good holiday and wedding. T'ra!'

Be breezy! Also make sure you get the hen party money back. Actually just cancel it all now and get a refund. Her new MOH can arrange the next hen do.

Fairenuff · 13/07/2020 19:07

Don't send that message.

It would be better to just say something like 'I'm so hurt that you left me out of your plans. I found out purely by chance that every other member of the bridal party was invited. I don't feel that you are a friend to me because friends don't treat each other like that. I'm sure you understand that I no longer want to be involved with your wedding or have you at mine. Best of luck for the future.'

But don't do anything until you get your money back.

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