AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

That is weird OP and YANBU to be put out by it, especially as she was elusive/secretive with you. It does sound as if her controlling partner is engineering things, and whilst that’s not necessarily a friendship deal-breaker, it could make it hard for you to have a close relationship with her in the longer-term. I don’t think I’d be confrontational about this but let her know you’ve noticed, maybe reconsider your position as MOH and try to detach emotionally a bit if you can.

Oh OP, please get your money back as soon as you can. You need to be rid of these people. You sound like such a lovely person but you need to draw a line under the sand with this woman and move on.

It really does sound like she doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. I'd wait until you can get your money back and then do it.

I don't think you can get your relationship back, because I don't think it is was what you think it is.
She's excluded you for years, she's energetic invited you to the country house remember.
You're someone she was friends with but you've grown apart and now you're her wedding planner/assistant.

Get your money back and then cut her out of your life. Block her number and on social media. You will never hear the truth from her, so a clean break is better.

Look, she was evasive when you asked about the holiday, yet she knew you would see the pics on Insta. A friend wouldn't do that.

Her reason for not inviting your partner, is just a flimsy excuse. She'll never be "close" to him if he's excluded from everything.

The only reason she says you're "best friends" is because she's using you. She's never acted like a best friend.

Get the money back, then cut her off. You're not still planning on going to the hen are you?

Don't do anything until you've got your money back. Then drop back on the friendship and drop the moh thing.

I don't think you've been an absolute mug, but I think you have had expectations of this friendship...that it would make you a long term part of her existing friendship group ( that usually holiday together)... that for whatever reason, she doesn't really want to meet. In the end, upsetting though it is for you, that's her choice.

But she lied to you by omission. Why? What did she think would have happened if she'd said to you it's no longer anything to do with the wedding so we're just going to have our usual uni group holiday at the house with x,y,and z?

I think its time to take a big step away and focus on your wedding and other friends. This isn't what you'd hoped it was.

I don't know. I've just been an absolute mug.

Don’t be hard on yourself OP! It happens to us all. Being kind and caring doesn’t make you a mug. Continuing the friendship unchallenged after this would be a mug. I try to keep in mind The old saying ‘fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me’ .

My Ex was seeing other women for years behind my back. The nature of his job made it impossible to challenge his behaviour. His hours were irregular, He saw clients in their own homes in the evenings after they got home from work and some of his clients were a couple of hours drive away. His profession was just made for cheaters! However he called me naive once I found out. He said you’ve only got yourself to blame! What did you think I was doing in the evenings! 😧.

Remember, There will always be users and takers in life. I think being a kind, caring, decent person tends to make you a target for these people. You want to trust people. You tend to assume that everyone thinks the same way as you do, Ie, I wouldn’t do ‘that’ to someone so don’t imagine people will do it to me. I have learned to be a little bit more discerning and a little bit less trusting without being paranoid. I don’t take people at face value anymore. People have to demonstrate their trustworthiness before I will allow them into my inner circle.

Somethings definitely not right...

I would suggest she has a tight bunch of friends, the ones who are on holiday with her, and couldn't choose between them who to be MOH. Either way someone would have gotten hurt. So instead she chose another person completely to be MOH (you) as to not upset the balance in her friendship group.

This happened at a friends wedding. They are a group of 3 best friends, and she has another friend she's been friends with since being little who lives at he other end of the country. They aren't really friends anymore, they don't see or speak to each other often. But because she couldn't pick one of her actual friends because the others would be upset, she asked the childhood friend to be MOH and had her best mates as bridesmaids. It was really awkward because the MOH didn't really know the bride 😂

Make sure you get your money and then just walk away.

I wouldn't ask for explanations. I'd state I was quitting as MoH and why then leave it at that. She doesn't sound like much of a friend at all.

Can you cancel the hen do and get all your money back from the accommodation?

Do you think this is definitely the end of the friendship? I feel like this is a marriage breakdown or something.

I suppose I'm wrestling with myself. On one hand I'm justifying it - it is coincidence they all are bridal and groomsmen - they are also uni friends which makes sense.

Then I think - I did so much for you, you didn't even tell me the truth of where you were going.

I know my good friends general plans, I know one of my friends went for pizza with a friend last night. Just general conversation. So it is weird that she missed out the vital detail of 10 people going right?

And can you tell me if this conversation is out of order - MIL was outraged:

Me: you know your mum said about Country, it would be great to go together

Her: but we'd need another couple, it's annoying Lindsay is single

Me: why do we need another couple?

Her: well we don't really know Mr Sunshine well enough for it to just be us.

That was the end of that about 1 year ago now!

She has been to Country with every single one of her close friends including non-bridal party in the past few years.

No need to worry about money, I changed to "pay at venue" so the money I've received so far pays for the full payment I've made - no deposits are now on my card.

I don’t think YABU to be upset about her seemingly not treating you the same as friends she likely pretends to be less close to but I do find it a bit strange that you focus on her not inviting you to the fancy house in another country when you say your (best) friend is in an abusive relationship and about to get married to her abuser. I absolutely cannot imagine wanting to spend any more time than necessary with my best friend’s abuser or caring about who she goes on holiday with If I would be in your shoes, nor actually wanting to be a MOH and celebrating their wedding.

I have already told my friends that if they intend on marrying someone abusive (2 or 3 of my very good friends have tendencies to end up in toxic/abusive relationships) I will not attend and I will be honest as to why but that I will always be there if they need to reach out for help or need a way out, I just won’t bear and smile and pretend to be happy as they walk to the slaughterhouse and told them I absolutely expect the same from them if I end up willing to marry someone abusive.

I also wouldn’t expect someone who is in an abusive/toxic relationship to be a good friend. So while YANBU to be upset I do think YABU to focus on you not being invited on a holiday to celebrate an abusive marriage instead of voicing your concerns to your friend and wanting to limit your involvement.

Then I'd get her told. There's no way that the history makes up for this behaviour

Then I'd get her told. There's no way that the history makes up for this behaviour

I still wonder if they don't like your fiancé. Are you sure that they don't have an issue with him?

I get the vibe that the husband to be doesn't like your partner.

@stellakent they could have an issue - well he might - she gets on with him. The only thing I can think is just differing opinions:
He thinks private education is the best thing you can do for a child
DP, a teacher, disagrees and believes you should get the life experience a state school gives.
DP likes football; he likes cricket.

I forgot a few things: our wedding is during a cricket tour and they wanted to go - he genuinely asked her what her choice is in regards to my wedding or the cricket game... (it's abroad)

I also think it could be a class issue. DP actually grew up very wealthy but he's very down to earth, very interested in deprivation multiples, effects on education etc, and of course isn't his parents fortune so lives within his means, also he's "northern" (technically midlands) where's her DP is southern, wealthy, and acts like he's a millionaire.

@stellakent they could have an issue - well he might - she gets on with him. The only thing I can think is just differing opinions:
He thinks private education is the best thing you can do for a child
DP, a teacher, disagrees and believes you should get the life experience a state school gives.
DP likes football; he likes cricket.

I forgot a few things: our wedding is during a cricket tour and they wanted to go - he genuinely asked her what her choice is in regards to my wedding or the cricket game... (it's abroad)

I also think it could be a class issue. DP actually grew up very wealthy but he's very down to earth, very interested in deprivation multiples, effects on education etc, and of course isn't his parents fortune so lives within his means, also he's "northern" (technically midlands) where's her DP is southern, wealthy, and acts like he's a millionaire.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but equally, don't let her take up all this headspace any longer. She has made her priorities clear, and you aren't one. From your recent updates, this is even clearer. Make sure to get your money, and then move on to people that actually care about you. Friendship should not be this complicated.

I wouldn't even go so far to say it's any of those reasons tbh.

You're really a work friend who is interested in the minutae of her wedding. You said upthread you never talk outside work and any and all communication is about the wedding. That's not a friendship, you're being used as a wedding soundboard.

Why are you a maid of honour and not a bridesmaid? Maid of honour seems to be the dog body roll in your "friends" mind. The bridesmaids do the fun giggly stuff.

Text her the above suggested text asking if her invite got lost.

Still wait for the money to come back before doing anything. In fact I'd go so far as waiting for her to contact you and then bring it up.