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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

430 replies

sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 11:13

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

OP posts:
Nibblingoncrumpets · 13/07/2020 15:43

Maybe she is planning to dump
You as MOH? How horrible

ilikemethewayiam · 13/07/2020 15:49

@chrislilleyswig

To be honest I wouldn't care about any "reason" for it

It's hurtful and her hiding it from you would make it worse

Tell her.

I agree with this. The reason doesn’t matter. It’s the deceitful way she went behind your back that I couldn’t get past. What ever her reasons, she should have laid that all on the table before she went so you weren’t left to find out via Instagram. She knows full well that you would find out about it from social media. It took a lot of planning and would have taken some time to arrange so as other PP’s said, there was probably groups setup on WhatsApp or whatever to make all the arrangements. You were purposefully not included. There is no way you can leave this unchallenged. It is so disrespectful To you and humiliating that everyone knows you were excluded. I don’t see how your ‘friendship’ can survive this. I think You will have to bite the bullet and tell her that given what she has done, you can’t be MOH anymore.

Btw a similar thing happened to me. My BFF and I were part of a large sociable group of friends. She moved abroad but came back regularly for visits. In the meantime One of the other girls and I had started to rub each other up the wrong way and we started to avoid each other a bit. We didn’t hate each other just irritated each other. I mentioned this to BFF And thought no more of it. She came over for a visit and phoned me to catch up. I was thrilled and we got together. It was just the two of us as she came to me. We had a great night out. I said oh we must all meet up before you go back but she made an excuse. I later found out from one of the girls that she’d been back 3 weeks and had been partying with the group all that time. I was devastated. I felt so humiliated knowing that everyone knew I was in the dark about it all. We were like sisters before she went. I called her for an explanation. She just said, well you don’t get on with X anymore and I didn’t want any atmosphere. She didn’t tell me as she didn’t want to upset me. As far as I was concerned she made a clear choice of her over me and that said it all. I knew the friendship could never be the same and as she lived abroad i took that opportunity to end it. It was a very difficult decision and I still miss her and wonder how life has turned out for her. Sometimes you have to put your dignity and integrity first.

Wexone · 13/07/2020 15:53

Yes this is very hurtful, however I wouldn't send a message to her. You need to have a conversation with her face to face. I know you say that you don't meet often or that she responds to your messages a couple of days after however you need to message her as soon as she is home to meet up. If she fobs you off, be persistent or even turn up announced at her house. You need to have a calm direct conversation with her, explaining about how it has made you feel etc and how you think that now you can longer be her MOH. Try and stay calm , be precise and direct and be prepared for tears. Unfortunately this to me would be the end of the friendship so please be prepared to walk away and leave her. It is hurtful what has been done however you can not change how people deal with you but you can change how you deal with it and how it affects you in life. Then move on to live you good life with you future husband and your real friends, best of luck and please let us know how you get on

readingismycardio · 13/07/2020 15:54

I'd leave it. She'll make up a random reason. I'd tell her I can't be MOH because we're on a holiday EXACTLY then.

MrsHSW · 13/07/2020 16:01

It's the fiancé. I'd tell her I was really hurt by not being invited and ask her why. Will she admit he is a shit? She might apologise and you can continue to be friends?

However I'm not a fan of wishy washy friend advice. I'd be saying 'unfortunately I can't in good faith support you getting married to someone who is abusive. I wouldn't really be a good friend if I did'. Offer her support to leave the relationship, tell her you'll be there for her but not as MOH. But, warning, she probably won't want to be friends after that. It's a really hard one, shit situation. Odds are he will get worse (and marrying will give him half her assets!) and your friendship will suffer either way?

Abusers can be incredibly charming/manipulative (maybe the other girls are unaware how bad he is?).

Worstemailever · 13/07/2020 16:22

Sadly, you're just not as close friends as you thought. I have been in a similar situation before and it is deeply hurtful. I feel like she may have picked you as Maid of Honour, either because she would have found it hard to choose one of her uni friends over another and was looking for a more neutral person to fill the role. Also, she probably picked you for the way that you look/your sense of style/enthusiasm for weddings/organisational skills. And it sounds like it was a bit of a uni get together. She may have thought that it would be easier not to invite you rather than put in the extra effort to ensure that you weren't left out. Perhaps there was some sort of limit on mixing/numbers due to Covid. There may be many reasons, but the reality is that, if she valued you as much or more than the others, she would have invited you. I would definitely ask her why you weren't invited and tell her how hurt you are that, as MOH, you have been totally sidelined. Then I would resign. Nothing she can say will ever really make up for the hurt.

Beautiful3 · 13/07/2020 16:27

I would have to tell her that I'm hurt and withdraw from moh. Dont allow yourself to be used like a door mat. You're better than that.

KickAssAngel · 13/07/2020 16:35

It sounds like she/her fiance only socialize with their joint friends from uni - they're probably the only ones he trusts her with as he can be there as well.

You're her 'add on' friend that's off to one side, not his friend as well, and therefore not included in any group things. She may well really like you, and even wish that she could spend more time with you, but if he only allows her the uni group friends, you'll never be really close to her unless they split up.

It sounds like a very inward-looking, exclusive group who would never accept a new person. either you knew them at uni, or you'll never be 'in'.

forrestgreen · 13/07/2020 16:36

So basically you're her wedding planner.

I'd send her a message to bin her off.

Would you actually miss her friendship or is it all in the past now ?

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/07/2020 16:37

Definitely agree with PP. Pull out as MOH and find a real friend to be your own.

Ellmau · 13/07/2020 16:39

I would honestly wonder if this is her saying she’s changed her mind about you being her MOH.

2bazookas · 13/07/2020 16:40

Her fiancé is super controlling - 100% is abusive.

Why on earth do you want to go on holiday with an abusive bully?

No doubt your dislike of him is mutual, so no wonder your friend doesn't want you to go on holiday with them, staying in the same house. It would be very uncomfortable for everyone.

Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 16:41

@headhurtstoomuch she picked me first so I was the one who felt obliged. I probably wouldn't had my other close friends said they are concerned for the responsibility lol

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 13/07/2020 16:41

I am not sure I would feel very keen to be MOH after that Sad

forrestgreen · 13/07/2020 16:42

"Dear x, I've seen your lovely photos of you and the rest of your wedding party. I'm sure you can understand how upset and excluded I feel. As such I think you should have one of your friends to be MOH and I'll do the same best wishes

PennyinmyPocket · 13/07/2020 16:47

Dear x, I've seen your lovely photos of you and the rest of your wedding party. I'm sure you can understand how upset and excluded I feel. As such I think you should have one of your friends to be MOH and I'll do the same best wishes

Great text! Love it! 🤗 but I’d have to be there, on a one to one, confront her and watch her squirm, before telling her to fuck off 😬

Itisbetter · 13/07/2020 17:11

Just tell her you’ve changed your mind and don’t want to be her maid of honour and don’t want her to be yours. No need for any other info.

rosiejaune · 13/07/2020 17:13

YABU; your priority should be the fact that your friend is in an abusive relationship. Not some perceived snub. And I think it's highly likely it was orchestrated by her partner to divide you anyway (since you're her best friend). Which is apparently working.

TherapistInATabard · 13/07/2020 17:15

[quote sunshinewhereareyou]@headhurtstoomuch she picked me first so I was the one who felt obliged. I probably wouldn't had my other close friends said they are concerned for the responsibility lol[/quote]
You don’t need a MOH!

Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 17:35

@rosiejaune I posted about his behaviour under a different name. The overwhelming majority was to be there for her and bide my time for when things eventually go wrong. That's what I decided to do. I am there for her always.

I think his only impact on her decision is that I wouldn't fit with the group. He hates two of the girls there and they hate him (they text me about how abusive he is a few weeks ago following the event that made me post here) but they're always involved because they are her friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinewhereareyou · 13/07/2020 17:37

Her mum made the comment when we tried on her wedding dresses. As we were talking her mum said "have you been to our house in Country" I said no I haven't actually and she went "oh that's odd, Melissa goes a few times a year, it's beautiful there you'd really enjoy it and should go... turns to Mel you should invite Sunshine to Country"

Names changed don't worry!

OP posts:
randomer · 13/07/2020 17:38

fast forward to when conrolling abuser and " friend" have been married a little while. Who will she turn I wonder? I would remove myself from her circle.

AhNowTed · 13/07/2020 17:42

What's the plan OP?

Thewindofmysoul · 13/07/2020 17:44

I would just end the friendship. I had a friend like this - would’ve classed her as one of my best friends and vice versa. It was her birthday and I messaged her saying any plans and she said no. A while later a pic comes up on social media of her and a whole group of our friends and her friends in the pub ..... across the road from my apartment. I asked her about it afterwards and she tried to claim it was spur of the moment that ten people ended up on the pub across from mine and she ‘forgot’ to message me and see if I wanted to walk 2 yards to join them. Hmm I ditched the friendship. It wasn’t worth it. No regrets either now some time has passed. She didn’t treat me right in general and it sounds like the same in your situation re gifts and holiday.

Fairenuff · 13/07/2020 17:48

I would definitely withdraw from the MOH position and I would tell her why. She does not get to treat you like that and get away with it. That is truly awful behaviour and there is no way she is a friend - she is a user.

She would probably be no good as your MOH anyway as her partner won't let her. She wouldn't be able to go on your hen do and he will probably tell her she can't be MOH anyway.