AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

And forget the friendship. It's over already. Look back over the last six months contact you've had. You're her wedding planning assistant, not her friend.

You can go two ways, since the friendship is done anyway. 1) Ghost her if she messages you. People really hate to be ignored. 2) Go in guns blazing, tell her what a user bitch she is/weak idiot (whichever you feel is most like her), that her htb is a controlling douche, that you resign as Moh and you'll be fucked if want her to be yours.

You've nothing to lose either way, so, do what makes you feel best.

Sorry op I've seen the money side is sorted.

I know you want to avoid confrontation whilst still getting everything off your chest.

How do you think it's best to proceed to get an outcome you can live with?

I think you’re confused about friendship — you hardly talk, seldom see one another, your communication appears to revolve entirely around your weddings, and you seem to place an undue importance on material stuff like invitations to her overseas house, sm posts of presents etc.

It just sounds like a situational friendship that was unlikely to outlast the first wedding.

You won’t get the satisfaction from confronting you hope for. Your hope that she is deeply regretful and swears to love you for ever is never going to happen.

And I don’t know why so many are are blaming her fiancé. It might be a shit relationship but she is also a shit friend, independently of him.

Don’t say but I speak to x & y of your friends in a text, it sounds like you are all 11 years old.

She's a user - and is using you. Choosing you as MOH because you are a dependable and conscientious perso - so won't mess arrangements up , rather than as a friend.
I guess she went to a 'good' uni - so her friends were of the right class - and possibly you aren't .
It could just be her fiancée but either way you need to get out of being MOH as there is still so long til the wedding and this is messing with your self esteem.

@backseatcookers that’s really well worded

OP I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you will look unhinged if you are seeking a confrontation over this. Go the breezy route, or the word on the street is YOU are possessive, controlling person.

You can’t control who people go on holidays with - you will be branded jealous & immature because you didn’t get Invited on vacation.

For your own benefit, don’t make this into a drama, just politely extract yourself & let her feel bad on her own accord.

If you go the confrontation route she will just get her back up & it could easily be construed that you are the weirdo here.

Urgh I’ve read as much as I can of the thread and I think you have to tread very carefully, lots of strong opinions on here which will have consequences you might not have intended if you act on them.

It’s entirely possible that she sees the uni group as being separate and nothing to do with the wedding. I personally hate mixing my friendship groups as there are one or two characters in each who, whilst I get on with them, will clash in a way I cba with. Mostly because they are either judgey about people who have money on one side, or sensitive to being judged for having it on the other. I’m in the middle.

Anyway that aside, your friend has doubtlessly been thoughtless and insensitive and has not considered how this might make you feel. I’m not certain I buy into the argument that she has considered it and thought it was ok to do. My guess is (being positive) she would probably be quite surprised to hear how upset you are simply because she just doesn’t see you as being part of that group. That doesn’t make it ok, but in general is she pretty oblivious to other people’s feelings?

I strongly disagree with the “I’ve decided being each other’s MoH doesn’t work for me” and not saying anymore suggestion. Personally I think it’s passive aggressive and chippy and likely to incite a very defensive response which could turn nasty. There is no need for that since you haven’t done anything wrong but if you handle this badly you will quickly become the perpetrator (imagine this situation as a reverse thread).

Personally I think you should be completely up front. You need to tell her why you were upset, if you can’t articulate it then perhaps you are overthinking it. So for example:

“I hope you’ve had a good time away. I know you’ve had a lot to think about but I need to tell you that I felt very hurt that you’d gone away with your wedding party and left me out after everything we have shared together. It has made me realise that it’s probably better for each of us to have a different MoH as maybe we aren’t as close as I thought we were, and I wanted to let you know rather than have things become more difficult by not talking about it. Good luck and take care, sunshine x”

For now it’s really a case of damage limitation going forwards. To what extent are you willing to fall out over this? If you’ve decided to move on anyway then try to do it in a calm and kind way, one that can’t be turned on you no matter the situation. No one should be glad of upsetting someone they are close to, so I really think telling her you’ve been hurt by it and moving on is the most honest thing.

' I would be grateful if you could find an alternative to MOH, as I feel I can not commit any longer. I know you will plenty of friends to ask, so I don't think it should cause much of problem. Wishing you the best with the planning of your wedding, and the day itself'

End of, that way she can't blame you for letting her down, and you will have behaved with dignity and grace. She is never going to admit to treating you badly, so there is no point in having it out with her. She does not value your friendship enough

This

I agree

You are not her friend
She sees you as a lap dog and tolerate s your adoration and presence as it boosts her ego, she s happy for you to run her chores - you are a free PA and wedding planner. You kindness and loyalty is being abused.
You need to step away for your own mental health and self respect.

I also suspect if you think back over your relationship with her you will see how unequal it actually is / was - there will probably be lots of occasions it highlight the lack of mutual respect and reciprocity, she has been happy to take advantage and enjoy the moral boost of your support gifts and you generally doing the dogsbody work.

I would leave the friendship where it is now. It s not healthy for your esteem if you are constantly left questioning if you are as good a friend as someone else. I suggest you also work on your own self esteem, so you know the value of your own worth and kindness.
There will be lots of opportunities to make lovely appreciative equal friends, ones who want you present at important events because of your kindness and who enjoy your company without you having to work for free or send a million gifts to earn a place in their lives. Friends want you there, friends don't leave you questioning your friendship or value to them.

Also you ll never be free to make new friendships if you are running around doing her jobs or focusing on her -

It also sounds like she has a form for unhealthy relationships - the dynamic of your friendship is not good, her own relationship by all accounts js abusive, really you need to step away from what is a toxic friendship. It s awful that her relationship is such but you ll never fix her, and waiting in the wings for it all to go wrong clearly leaves you and your relationship as second fiddle again to her.

Can you just ghost her?

Quite a big drip feed! As they all know each other, it makes sense why you weren't invited. Your friend probably avoided mentioning it as she didn't want to upset you'd
They've made the holiday a uni get together.

If there are other issues where you don't think she had your back or prioritised you, then that's a different matter, but you can't get upset for not being invited to a historical friendship group get together, that you are not part of, even if their other halves are invited. They usually are.

Ah Sunshine I can understand you feeling so hurt by this. She has been really mean/sneaky and she knew bloody well you would be upset - that’s why she didn’t mention that all the others were going. You are just not as important to her as she is to you. I’m sorry if that sounds brutal.

You need to protect yourself feeling like this again because she of her - don’t give her the chance. I think Conifer’s suggested text is what I would send. It is clear, kind and absolutely hits the right tone.

Best of luck!

I agree with @ConiferGate’s idea.

OP, I agree with @madbirdlady22. You were work colleagues, but now barely see each other and don’t speak very often. This is not a close friendship let alone a best friendship. In her excitement about the wedding you were asked to be MOH, but it seems obvious by the way you are treated that you are just a number in the bridal party. The friendship has moved on but you seem unable to accept it.

Also, if you have discussed your dislike of the controlling bf with any of the university friends at anytime, this will have been shared with the whole group. There is a reason why you are not invited to the villa and you probably already know why.

She isn't bothered about you for whatever reason. I really would decided to disengage. Just say that you can't be MOH for each other and return the cash. If you want to say something, just say that you don't think the friendship is as close as you had thought and that it would be better for her to choose one of her other friends.

First and foremost I want to confront her on how she and he treat me, before even bringing up the holiday. I want to explain I feel to the side / that there is an issue. Any advice?

Don't do it, resign as MOH and walk away. No point confronting her, actions speak louder than words. Everyone else has gone to her house abroad except you. She has an amazing holiday with the bridal party yet you are not invited to and knew nothing about. She is not a friend.

Why are you so desperate to maintain this so called 'friendship'?

I think you nailed it and that you and your DH don't fit in with her 'set'.

My former best friend from school married a man like your friend's. He was also abusive and while she lives in a gigantic house with an indoor pool, she's deeply unhappy. She's trapped though as she gave up work as soon as she had the DC and has no way of getting back into the workforce.

I would just send @backseatcookers text and be done with it 🙂

Sorry this is happening to you. Hope it's a relief when you bin her off!

I'm only posting because I saw ConiferGate's suggested letter/explanation and one other endorsement of it by BluntAndToThePoint80.

Just please don't! It is a long paragraph of pure, needy emotional blackmail. "after everything we shared together" "we aren't as close as I thought we were".

Please don't say anything like that. Keep it short, honest and dignified. You don't need apologies, explanations or anything else from her. Demanding them is self-centred. You merely need to relieve yourself of the responsibility of MoH. The friendship will likely fizzle out (maybe already has), but it is a bad idea to burn bridges completely. Tell her you can't be her MoH or attend her wedding, politely. Be clear, kind, unapologetic and final. Don't elaborate or be drawn into a long argument conversation. Just wish her well and tell her you cannot be a part of it.

Agree with KatherineJaneway!

@TheChiefJo I think this brings out the problem that people read different things into what you write.

Points taken that you make, can you give OP a suggestion that she can take something from?

Go with @backseatcookers text.

You seem to be desperately trying to hang on to this friendship. When, honestly, it doesn’t seem a very good friendship. She doesn’t reply to messages for months at a time? How can you be best friends?

A lot of this sounds related to her soon to be husband. Not sure why or what his issue is....but it does stink of his influence.

I would end the friendship on the basis that this seems to be exceptionally one sided on your part (this will only get worse and there will be more and more occasions where you will expect more from the friendship only to continually be excluded) and if it was his influence then she will feel guilt that she has lost a friend due to the behaviour of her partner.

It sounds like a very toxic situation to be in and I personally wouldn't want to be part of it.

If you go in guns blazing you will look like the bad one. A simple message of we have drifted apart, find someone else to be your MOH, wish you all the best. But obviously worded much better than that.