AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

[sunshinewhereareyou]

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

I am not one for confrontation, i'm more of a people pleaser but I think i'd want to ask her about this face to face or over the phone. I'd want to confront her about this directly and catch her off guard.

Sending a text like that with all the bullet points gives her the option of thinking up an 'excuse' or not replying at all. Speaking to her face to face if possible means you can see straight away if she is embarassed or uncomfortable about it all and tells the truth. I wouldn't be able to let this go, I actually don't think there is any good reason for not telling you.

I'm puzzled by all the talk of class, wealth North, South. If I was talking about me versus my friends I wouldn't use family wealth, education, current employment, where they were from etc as the key differences; I'd be talking about personality.

Whilst it doesnt look like the Bride has treated you well, perhaps she and/or her fiance find the class politics (for want of a better phrase) rather dull or even insulting.

Just a thought.

I think op was just trying to scrabble around for potential reasons if there was a personality clash. I didn't get the impression it's her favourite topic.

I’m a bit confused about the £2.5k. If you’re owed any money then don’t send that text until you’ve got it back.

If you’re not owed any money then definitely text her and I look forward to an update on 20 July

Do you think this is definitely the end of the friendship?

Yes for me this friendship would be dead as a door nail.

Having read all this, my slightly different take is that a) uni friends often do stuff together; it isn't weird they didn't invite you, just weird she didn't tell you; b) this sounds like an odd friendship anyway, it's terribly sad when friendships end but sometimes they just do and c) all the class / north south money stuff sounds weird and if you discuss stuff like that maybe that's why she's moving away from the friendship.

she says I am her best friend
really? Yet she ^consciously* chooses to treat you like the poor relation/runt of the litter????

it felt right and she felt the best person for the job
Did you decide that or did she 'persuade' you by lovebombing you?

Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited
I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party
These are her actions as a 'best friend', who 'loves' you and is the 'best' person to be your trusted right hand/wingwoman???????

This was never a true friendship.
She's got her 'real' friends who fit into all the stereotyped lifestyle that she enjoys the trappings of, and she's got 'you' to play 'scapegoat' of the 'social set' so her and her jumped up husband can feel good about themselves....and she can use you to make herself feel good.

I've encountered a fair few 'young ladies' that sound like her, thankfully early in my 20's so i've learnt to avoid being anyone's poodle they can trot out when it looks good for them.
She likes the 'lifestyle' and 'status' that her suffocating world gives her....don't be so sure that her choices are all down to a 'controlling' husband....

She has zero respect for you as a person let alone as a friend.
Here you are wondering what to do when she's been treating you the ways she wants all along!
You're still kind of walking on egg shells when it comes to asserting yourself with her, giving her feelings consideration when she's given none to yours.

I'd just send her a txt when she gets back, along the lines of "i hope you enjoyed your joliday....i've decided being each other's MOH doesn't work for me"

Then cut the bitch out of your life.
She is soooo nasty but has painted herself a mask of sweetness and light and 'vulnerability'!

Op I am a little older than you and have come across this before on more than one occasion with others, and have witnessed some very poor treatment of thoroughly decent people.

You op are a lovely person, a kind and thoughtful friend and willing to be a great friend, but you are not her 'best friend' or even a good friend. You were perhaps great work friends at one point, but she has long since moved on and you have not. I mean this very kindly, because you have invested so much into this friendship, she on the other hand has invested very very little, and therefore thinks nothing of going away with her 'uni' friends and leaving you behind, she doesn't believe you will bail on her because you are a nice person, she believes you will swallow the hurt and get on with doing your job, mainly organising her wedding and pandering to her generally.

She sees herself as superior to you.

She sees her life as superior to yours, and although you are welcome enough you are never going to be invited into her 'inner circle' that is reserved for people like 'them'.

For whatever reason, and I suspect it may be lined to class and money actually, as you describe your dp as northern, left leaning and a teacher and if she is surrounded by millionaires they almost certainly do not share his passion for equality. You are seen as different, not one of them. That is why you are not there.

The minute you pull out of MOH expect this to be a drama where you are painted as the monster for 'ruining' her wedding.

Your friendship is dead, not because of the trip or the wedding, but because she treats you as if you are second class, less than her, and it took this trip to shine a light on this fact, but my guess is that the facts have long been there.

You are too good a friend for someone like her, she will use and abuse all of her friends, and will end up with nothing genuine in her life.

Personally I would choose to end this with dignity. A simple text.

' I would be grateful if you could find an alternative to MOH, as I feel I can not commit any longer. I know you will plenty of friends to ask, so I don't think it should cause much of problem. Wishing you the best with the planning of your wedding, and the day itself'

End of, that way she can't blame you for letting her down, and you will have behaved with dignity and grace. She is never going to admit to treating you badly, so there is no point in having it out with her. She does not value your friendship enough op.

I love @monkeymonkey2010's suggestion - "....send her a text when she gets back along the lines of "I hope you enjoyed your holiday. I've decided being each other's MOH doesn't work for me. "

End the very simple text with Kind Regards ( though not feeling it ) and your name.

And cut her out of your life. She only lets you into a tiny part of hers.

@sunshinewhereareyou

Her fiancé is super controlling - 100% is abusive. However, two girls who are bridesmaids hate him and he doesn't like them as they're "bad influences" however they're there with them...

Yeah cant see any reason at all they might not want you around if you're publically accusing her husband of crimes....

"I suppose I'm wrestling with myself. On one hand I'm justifying it - it is coincidence they all are bridal and groomsmen - they are also uni friends which makes sense."

So very long term friends who've possibly exchanged things through out the years/decades vs new friend who feels entitled to use thier property while slagging of her partner?

You sound adorable, @Elsewyre.

I wonder is Elsewyre also has an abusive partner but is in denial

@Elsewyre when you say 'publicly' do you mean anonymously on a forum whilst asking for advice?

madbirdlady22 explains it so well!

I used to have a school friend, she came from a 'middle class' family with ideations of being 'upper middle class'.
I remember the day she told me they "became poor".....her dad lost his job/company and they could no longer afford to go for silver service dinners every month at 5 star restaurants.
We went to an ordinary mixed comprehensive school full of working class people.....

In my early 20's we met up again and were very close (or so i thought) with daily conversations and regular weekly meetups etc
When she and her dp bought their first home - i was 'allowed' to visit once before they moved in, then once after they'd moved in.....i took a £30 bottle of champagne (a lot of money for a 24 yr old)....it got put in the fridge with a murmured 'thanks' and that was it.
I was never invited to the house warming party.
The whole friendship group were there, knew i was left out - and not one person said a word about it - including her.

God knows how these people can carry on 'as normal' when they're blatantly taking the piss.
That's when i learnt the term 'frenemies'......turns out my 'best friend' was extremely jealous that i had my own flat first - a run down council flat that i was renting....

@monkeymonkey2010 do you think you subconsciously knew she was a snob and ignores the signs because she seemed otherwise ok?

I’ve done that with a friend. She was rich but seemed to expect me to sub her.

Cassilis
i spent my teen years wearing the same couple of hand me down bras from my elder sis who was older than me by 5 years - everyone around me seemed 'posh'

but yea, i think i did pick up that snooty vibe but ignored it, i wasn't good at identifying and verbalising my feelings, plus i was always letting things go for the sake of having friends....until the day i dumped the whole friendship group!
Best thing i ever did!

@elsewyre considering our ages actually the uni friends have known her 2 years longer than me.

Two girls on the trip despise the fiancé and messaged me, who they've never met, to rant about how evil he is.

Hi all, she returns from the holiday today I believe - I wouldn't know as she hasn't told me but all of the Instagram pictures and stories have suddenly stopped so that's my best guess.

I want to say something but I am also chickening out.

First and foremost I want to confront her on how she and he treat me, before even bringing up the holiday. I want to explain I feel to the side / that there is an issue. Any advice?

Is the money cleared that is owed to you?

There's no point in explaining how you feel. She'll either deny it and be angry, or give you a mealy mouthed apology to keep you onside for all the hen do organising.

You're flogging a dead horse. She doesn't like or respect you. Let her go.

If she cared how you felt she'd be a better friend. When her mum asked you to the holiday home, did she say "oh my goodness I can't believe I haven't invited you" or did she ignore the situation knowing you would say anything.
Tbh she sounds really fake, if you confront her all you'll get is a gushing apology (fake) or she'll tell you all the reasons why you're wrong. You really won't win.
Send her a text and see how she responds. I bet you get ignored.

Why are you so desperate for this woman’s friendship?

Don't bother op. Just say as a pp said - hope you enjoyed the holiday. I've decided being each others moh doesn't work for me. And leave it there. You can still leave this friendship with your self respect.

I agree with Luaa

"Hope you had a good holiday! I've been thinking and I think although it might be a bit awkward to say, one of us needs to acknowledge that it's become obvious it's not right for us to be each other's MOH now as we have drifted a bit and I appreciate we are both closer to other friends now. So don't worry about it being awkward for you to go ahead and ask someone else, no hard feelings I wish you and (mr controlling) the best with everything."

Something like that?