To feel appalling guilt and impotence over my DD during lockdown

[thepeopleversuswork]

I know rationally that its not my fault exactly.
But during lockdown I feel my DD has gone backwards in so many ways and I blame myself.
I'm a lone parent and am working on average 10 hours a day. I'm on conference or zoom calls all day or working on documents. There is absolutely no question of my easing off at work, they don't take my situation into consideration at all.
The outputs of that are a) I can only support home schooling in the most rudimentary way -- I can't really supervise and she gets very little done b) she relies hugely on screen-based entertainment. I feel so awful about this but in a lot of situations its literally the only way to guarantee the non-interruption I need in order to be able to work.
During lockdown we have ensured that we build in exercise and I have tried to make time after work for non-screen based things (games/puzzles/reading). And she reads a lot. But the reality is she spends a vast amount of her time on youtube or on her tablet. I feel she has lost some social skills and she has put on weight.
I've tried motivating her to do other things (craft etc). But its always with limited success. She'll do it for a short time and then will default back to screens. I can't take the risk of her coming in and interrupting calls etc so I tend to take the path of least resistance and usually just let her get on with it.

I know in my head that this is probably just the way we've been able to cope. But I feel a mixture of appalling guilt for allowing it to continue as long as it has and anger and resentment at people who haven't had to make this choice. I know people on furlough can't be blamed for this and try hard to separate this in my head but I still feel inexplicably angry that I have had to do so much with so little support and my daughter has suffered so much as a result of my burning myself into the ground to keep the lights on.
I'm worried about lasting damage to her from this and wonder if anyone has advice about a) helping children move back into some normalised world after lockdown and b) helping support them reclaim life after screens. Because I am really eaten up about it and we both need to move on.

Mackonadragos

Thanks: this is a lovely schedule and I know you mean well, but in the nicest possible way this just wouldn't work for me. I literally wouldn't be able to work in these circumstances.

I need to guarantee absolute silence on conference calls or I get shot by work. Which means I can't take the risk of online because it carries with it the risk of interruptions. All of these activities require some degree of supervision.

This is why I am so angry. It basically forces me to accept that screen is the only acceptable way to manage this.

With the greatest possible respect to you and others like you, I don't think people who don't work begin to understand what its like.

@thepeopleversuswork Honestly if it’s at the point where she’s hitting out, I’d give up on any schoolwork pressure and let her have screens. I personally think now is not the time to try and achieve everything. Take the heat out of it for a few weeks. Come September the normal will switch to school / home and you can reassess then, develop a new and better balance.

There are some wonderful suggestions upthread. But you haven’t got time / headspace / enough of YOU to really implement any of them. Even Boris said he’d expect employers to be reasonable, yours is not, but that doesn’t mean doing everything is somehow achievable. It’s not.

It sounds like you are doing an I credible job under impossible circumstances.

Cherish the moments you have together either snatched during the day or at the weekend.

This is probably the most challenging situation that you and she have been faced with so face that and say, well done me..

If you are well paid and your finances allow, buy in what you can to take the load off, whether it is ready made food (doesn't always have to be healthy or unhealthy), a cleaner, a part time nanny.

Not being able to shut off from work between the hours you mention is really really difficult and I am so sorry your employers are unable to see how difficult this is for you and are unable to spread the load more fairly.

It really does sounds like you make the most of the time you have with your daughter. You don't need to be doing crafts or learning how to play the guitar together to make that time worth while.

Again, I am truly sorry that you have been so badly affected by this situation and that single mothers are indeed one of the most affected groups in all of this and many will have to give up a lot to make it through this.

If you want to try something that’s educational with out feeling educational and means her time on the laptop is fun as well, try Scratch. It’ll get her into programming and problem solving and having huge fun as well without feeling like she’s doing schoolwork.

scratch.mit.edu/ideas

Your DD is reading. She's entertaining herself. You're both getting out for exercise and walks.
Your anger and frustration is leaping off your posts but your schedule doesn't sound bad at all. Like a PP I spent a lot of time entertaining myself as a DC. It's an important skill to develop. My parents didn't do crafts with me or micromanage my time.
You're putting yourself under lots of pressure and setting unrealistic standards OP. This isn't really about screens. Arguably I'd say it's not about your DD either. It's about you struggling with a situation (the pandemic) that you can't control. I hope ranting on here helps to ease some of your frustration. Be gentle with yourself and your DD

thepeopleversuswork

You would be surprised how much stuff children do totally independently without any parental input. Of course not for the entire day - a couple of ours per day, child and age dependant.

If it's any consolation, at nine years of age, and reading happily, she will be able to catch up. She won't be the only one!

The 2020 Horrible History is a fantastic idea. I will tell my 8 year old gd, a Horrible Histories fanatic.

Just a thought OP (apologies if this is something you're doing or has already been said) but assuming you're working 5 days a week could you adjust so that the weekend is two days of schooling that you can properly concentrate on and help with, and then DD has 2 days in the week to do whatever she wants like her 'weekend' without any pressure to do work herself? Then it's just 3 days to muddle through instead of 5?

Shitty for you as it'll mean you won't get an off day, but it might relieve some of the (understandable but absolutely not your fault) guilt of not being present for her when you're working?

ElGuardiandenoche

Thanks, she's tried that and loves it but appreciate it.

Thanks to all of you. There are good days and bad days and today is a particularly bad day, I have to say. We've made it this far and survived so I suppose we can probably make it through to the end but I feel like I am losing the plot and I'm so eaten up with anger I don't know if I can move past it.

thepeopleversuswork

Just to add, I found that comics (as I mentioned Asterix, Tintin) really keep the kids entertained for a fairly long time, more than any other books (especially that I rotate them, so they are not always available and when out again after a couple of weeks they feel new) - they are a good alternative to screen time, worth of trying.

It does set your child back and puts her even in more disadvantaged position compared to her peers

I don’t agree ! Many kids are doing the same
Most of my friends have the same struggles

I think the % that have fully engaged , done the work and have learnt is scarily small

They will all need a reset come sept

@Thisisworsethananticpated
I did not mean academically. What do you think is the impact on a small child whose main - and in my case, only - parent has to deliberately ignore them for 10 hours a day?

firstmentat this.

It’s the psychological impact of being told repeatedly that mum doesn’t have time to do anything with you and she has to prioritise time on the phone/zoom with old men in suits who don’t want her around.

It’s fucking awful

I think you are doing so well in difficult circumstances op. It’s hard my dh works nights I work full time now wfh and trying to homeschool ds year 10 I have had days where I feel like I am failing at everything my son now has online lessons with his school so that has helped massively

Be kind to yourself it’s a temporary situation and lots of us are just muddling through it the best we can

Think of CBT- you could re-word that - for example

I'd love to do something today but I have to work. You are doing really well reading and it is so helpful you keeping busy and helping me too.

I'm really looking forward to Saturday when we can do X...

also having a bit of time daily to just spend with her and see what she has been up to. Quality may be better than quantity.

Basically people that aren’t working cannot possibly understand the pressure. Lockdown coincided with the end of my mat leave and it was considerably easier when I wasn’t trying to juggle work. I don’t know how you’re managing on your own because my husband and I are at breaking point and we at least can share the load. Could you book her into a holiday club? My children are younger but I managed to get my 4yo into a holiday club and I’m hoping everything will just feel easier. Doesn’t solve our problem of nursery being closed until the autumn for our youngest but it feels like a step in the right direction.

Do your employers think because you’ve got a 9yo the childcare/home schooling isn’t as bad as people with younger children? Most people I know have been given some slack and while they’re working odd hours, aren’t necessarily doing as many as they’d normally do. Eg a lot of parents seem to be doing Am or PM shifts or 2-3 hourly slots of childcare and work. Could you maybe start at 6 go until 8 and then spend a few hours with your daughter and then have another few hours with her over lunch eg
6-8 work
8-10 childcare
10-12 work
12-2 childcare
2-5 work
5-8 childcare
8-10 work

You’d still get 9 hours and be knackered but possibly more frequent time with your daughter where you could get stuff sorted.

I just wanted to tell you that I have been feeling the same OP. My situation is not as difficult as yours but I share you concerns over my DS (age 8) lack of interaction with other kids and I feel sorry for him (I am sure he is bored) and guilty with mysef for not doing enough (even though probably someone looking in would say he is fine etc), guilty letting him watch youtube for hours; he has put on weight. I'm not very good at homeschooling, we argue a lot more than usual (cue more guilt!)
All his friends live the other side of town and people seem really lame about playdates. I wish he could just go out and play with some others kids but that's not the situation. It is getting me down too.

I think all the advice I would give has been said- I really feel for you OP. My DH and I have been WFH but as he's essentially in a contact centre and, like your employer, his have been totally unreasonable about our childcare situation and said any time he needs to take would go unpaid, I have been having to care for our 2yo solo 7.30-6pm (he works a 5 days week in 4 days). So for 3 days a week I am trying to do what you do- and thank god my employers are a bit more understanding, but I'm knackered and there is lots more screentime going on than usual.
Please just take comfort in fact that come September she will be back at school and you will then have a bit more headspace to address any lingering screen issues and put back some boundaries over how much and when screen time happens.
You are doing an incredible job- single working parents right now (and tbh even the ones who aren't working) are basically superheroes in my eyes. I'm reaching for the vino by 4pm some days!

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel a lot better.

firstmentat

Fair point , and I get what you mean

Work is all encompassing , especially now

I feel like I did get to spend more time with mine though as I was there All day , every day
I also got to spend 1:1 time with them as they have different interests , so I actually did LONG walks with my 12 year old which was so lovely

Not ideal , but better than before when I was in the office 5 days a week And rushing 24/7

I respect you had a different experience though

I was also in a worse situation , so my
Bar is pretty low !

If you're like me (I'm also WFH full time with an 8 year old, but do have a partner also FT), what you're after is:
No more ideas for crafting or fun times
No suggested timetables to structure your day
No "just do this and leave her" ideas
And definitely no more shite adverts that make lockdown seem like a lovely time for reconnection.

What I want is:
Just a tiny bit of acknowledgement from Government as to how incredibly tough this has been for parents and children who have to work (more so if there's one of you). Just a small mention would be nice.
A restart date for children's activities to prioritise their well-being - treated as seriously as fishing and football.
When government start asking people back into the office they actually consider how working parents are supposed to do this.
Any future lockdowns are carefully planned around education, with equal consideration as to how remote learning actually works when left to people who are also working.
Any future lockdown rules are built around children's needs, and they are able to exercise more and have less strict socialising rules.
A total ban on those shite adverts.

I could go on. I am exhausted and I get to the end of the day and I have nothing left in the tank for researching, planning or organising wholesome activities. It's been three months of this shitshow. I just wait for bedtime in a zombie like state and then repeat the whole debacle again.

God, OP, this sounds appalling.
What do you think would happen if you just told them you were leaving due to the intolerable pressure they have put you under? Clearly, if they require so much from you and there is no room for maneuver, they need you. I think you are a lot more powerful in this situation than you think you are. Are you in a union? I've always been in one so I'm not sure what provision there is outside of this but maybe CAB or similar could take you through your rights.

Also I wonder if your MP would be helpful? As Sockbogies said they've managed to get beer gardens/football/Primark back up and running.