To feel appalling guilt and impotence over my DD during lockdown

[thepeopleversuswork]

I know rationally that its not my fault exactly.
But during lockdown I feel my DD has gone backwards in so many ways and I blame myself.
I'm a lone parent and am working on average 10 hours a day. I'm on conference or zoom calls all day or working on documents. There is absolutely no question of my easing off at work, they don't take my situation into consideration at all.
The outputs of that are a) I can only support home schooling in the most rudimentary way -- I can't really supervise and she gets very little done b) she relies hugely on screen-based entertainment. I feel so awful about this but in a lot of situations its literally the only way to guarantee the non-interruption I need in order to be able to work.
During lockdown we have ensured that we build in exercise and I have tried to make time after work for non-screen based things (games/puzzles/reading). And she reads a lot. But the reality is she spends a vast amount of her time on youtube or on her tablet. I feel she has lost some social skills and she has put on weight.
I've tried motivating her to do other things (craft etc). But its always with limited success. She'll do it for a short time and then will default back to screens. I can't take the risk of her coming in and interrupting calls etc so I tend to take the path of least resistance and usually just let her get on with it.

I know in my head that this is probably just the way we've been able to cope. But I feel a mixture of appalling guilt for allowing it to continue as long as it has and anger and resentment at people who haven't had to make this choice. I know people on furlough can't be blamed for this and try hard to separate this in my head but I still feel inexplicably angry that I have had to do so much with so little support and my daughter has suffered so much as a result of my burning myself into the ground to keep the lights on.
I'm worried about lasting damage to her from this and wonder if anyone has advice about a) helping children move back into some normalised world after lockdown and b) helping support them reclaim life after screens. Because I am really eaten up about it and we both need to move on.

I'm really annoyed at employers who are putting their workers in this position.

Many employers are under immense pressure too, just trying to keep their businesses viable. There’s absolutely no incentive for them to cut working parents any slack. They pay people to work a certain amount of hours. That hasn’t changed despite employees other caring responsibilities.

Without school/childcare, the whole thing falls apart.

Also, I know it's online, sorry, but it is positive...but can she play chess at all? Chesskids.com is aimed at children, there's dozens of learning videos, puzzles to teach strategy, etc, and there's no chatting enabled, so you don't have to worry about who she is talking to online as that can't happen. You can play the computer or other children, so it works well for an only child. My two play one another online so they don't have to set the board up all the time

@thepeopleversuswork

Thanks all, sorry for the drip feed. She's 9.

Charles11 you're right that there is good stuff online and she's done some of that. I don't think any of the content she's looking at is intrinsically harmful and some of it is positive.

I just worry so much about the impact of what is basically a screen-based life. And feel so frustrated and angry that I've been put in the position where I basically have to accept this as a condition of being able to be economically productive.

hibbledobble I have some local friends and they've been great in as far as social distancing rules have allowed. My family have been pretty rubbish really. Essentially there's no-one I can rely on except myself and I'm tired of the relentlessness of it. And furious that the government and society thinks its acceptable that it should all be my responsibility and thus all my fault when it f**ks up her life.

Sorry if I sound angry. I realise there's been an unprecedented crisis and others have needs greater than mine. But I think that families have been treated appallingly by this government generally and lone parent families have been treated as if we don't exist and our needs don't count.

I think it is absolutely cathartic that you channel your anger toward the government. THEY are the ones who have let you and your family down and millions of families across the country.

OP I'm a single parent too, but unlike you my employer has been pretty supportive all things considered. Despite that, DD has still spent 90% of her waking life on screens. It's not ideal, but it's the only way I can cope at the minute... Between work, home schooling, coping with her emotional needs, cooking, cleaning etc etc, I just don't have time or energy to give in terms of coming up with enriching activities. I think that's okay. It's been a four month period out of their lives, there will be other years to be great parents. This year is all about coping, and anything that gets us through the days is fine.

I totally get where you are coming from. This has gone on far too long now. There are many people who would have this continue until we get a vaccine.

Could you hire a student to entertain her for a few hours a day? Any sports camps on?

At weekends you could do screen free trips like Center parcs to reconnect.

Great, sillyunmurphy but that's not going to make any practical difference or have the cabinet quaking in their boots, is it?
They certainly aren't going to be popping round to help this little girl are they?

LaurieMarlow I agree that employers are under huge pressure. I don't blame my employer as such as I know they are also just struggling to remain viable. But I do feel that they have been crashingly lacking in awareness of how difficult it is for me and have not been very human in the way they've managed it.

For example, inexplicably, I've been given a job to do which requires me to work first thing in the morning (think before 7am) and last thing at night (ie 10pm - 11pm). I've been doing this for three and a half months and I'm totally exhausted and it eats into both my sleep and my ability to do other more important work during the day. It's never been explained to me, in a reasonably-sized firm, why they felt it was appropriate to give this job to the one person they knew had absolutely no childcare support.

It just feels like yet another example of how it never crosses the minds of people who make rules for us (ie men) that these decisions have a damaging effect on children.

Honestly relax.

You have still
Down play dates and exercise and reading. That’s all that is needed. I think that you are hugely u see estimating her resilience and the value of your support.

It is temporary and such a fleeting time in their lives! Give yourself a break.
She will be back at school in September, invest in tutors then if you feel she is falling behind.
I personally wouldn’t drop to part-time at work.
Your daughter will survive/thrive.. she will come out the other side of this and so will you

OP, I don't have kids myself but I have lots of nephews and nieces and I was a teacher in my old life. FWIW, I am furious about the way children have been treated in the last months. And their parents.

You are far from alone. You're obviously beyond worried, but please try and take guilt out of the equation. Try and ignore the bullshit you see on social media, especially the posts from people who are saying how their kids have flourished and isn't family time lovely?

Lots of children need school, they need their teachers, they need their peers and they need their social lives. It's just not good enough for those for are fortunate enough not to be struggling to say "Children are resilient, they'll probably be fine".

I have no advice except to say please try and shed the guilt. It is not your fault that schools have been shut for months and all meaningful social activity for kids has been banned.

Reading your updates op you sound like you are doing a great job.
As a child of the 60’s I and every child I know was more or less left to their own devices. We generally just used to mooch around but I’m sure if computers had been around then I would have spent all day on them.
Try not to worry to much (easier said than done I know), most children grow up more or less ok irrespective of their Circumstances as long as they have a loving parent and you sound like that.

Employ a 16/17yo (year11/13) kid to watch ur kid during the day for 4/5 hours and provide entertainment.

Give u a break, gives ur kid a break and gets them doing activities u can't realistically facilitate.

There are loads of school leavers with a massive summer break and little to do. U will prob do them a favour too.

Start off slow, have them in ur garden, play dates etc. After a week or so get them to go out the house to give ur head some space

wow working 10 hours a day - why are your employers so anti family?

That is totally ridiculous.

I would speak to employer about work/life balance and bring the hours to a more reasonable amount. Take back control of you and your time.

The time might then be spent with your 9 year old.

Lone parent here, still working full time. Gave up the guilt over you tube and tv a long time ago in lock down. It’s not life forever. School will return and it’s only temporary to get you both through. It is what is is just now, and frankly long term keeping a job and a roof over her head is more important than stressing about too much screen time. I’m taking some holidays over the summer and there won’t be screen time then. It’ll be fine.

My employer already thinks I'm massively underperforming. There's no wiggle room at all.

Your employer is being ghastly but you know that. 10 hours a day, what on earth is s/he expecting from you?

If the government is going to plan a second lockdown if there is a 2nd wave then I trust the single-parent organisations and @MNHQ will be delivering a very clear message about the support that families and children need. So many children can not be expected to go through this again and nor can their parents.

OK, so that gives one practical thing you could address. Asking someone to do antisocial hours both ends of the day like that would be unreasonable whatever the person's situation. Can you bring that up with work? Explain that you are totally commited but in this unusual situation cannot do both the early and late shift?

I have a 7 year old and she has been on screens a lot and has gone a bit peculiar as an only child (she was a bit peculiar to begin with!) She constantly asks me to play Roblox and a couple of weeks ago I cracked and joined her. It was actually quite relaxing. I guess if you can't beat 'em join 'em. I've been surprised by the excellent quality of today's kids' TV too. I've got a bit hooked.on Operation Ouch. Anyway...

Your DD is a free reader. That is terrific. All I did at her age was read but you know, if I'd had an iPad I jolly well would have been on it (hours of programming a ZX Spectrum were probably educational, but I liked the games more).

To take a long view, I was thinking as I read your post about my parents, who were born in 1938 and 1942. My Dad mentioned in passing recently (I was doing research to write a speech for a big birthday) that they were bombed out of his house when he was 4. They had to move in with his aunt, uncle and cousins. For a year. 8 people in a 2 bed house.

My point is that my parents had a really suboptimal childhood by today's standards but they have led long healthy, productive lives and while I don't know for sure their parents didn't feel guilty, I'm guessing they didn't feel WWII was their fault.

The pandemic is not your fault either and DD will be ok. Now get working on that employer.

I have a good employer but there have been numerous times over the years that they've been oblivious - for example, that holding twilight training or meetings on the same day each time will impact the same workers (now they hold some meetings at lunchtime and vary days).

Look for a new job too. You must be the most efficient person ever after the last few months.

ResumetonormalASAP that won't happen at the moment. I appreciate your suggestion but it won't fly. It isn't feasible as it will effectively leave other people in my team with far more work.

My family doesn't factor into their consideration.

No you shouldn’t go around with massive guilt. However if I were you I would put in place some routine for her. It will take a bit of time at first - but within a few weeks you will be free as children do take to routines pretty well.

It needn’t be very complicated - just up at such time, breakfast at such time, TV for 2 hours, work for 1 hour. Put it up in consultation with her, on a weekly sheet - and just before the transition from something she likes e.g. TV to something she doesn’t like e.g. school work - go down and remind her. It will really help her.

@ResumetonormalASAP

wow working 10 hours a day - why are your employers so anti family? That is totally ridiculous.

I would speak to employer about work/life balance and bring the hours to a more reasonable amount. Take back control of you and your time.

The time might then be spent with your 9 year old.

I’m sure you mean well but I think you’re massively over simplifying this. If it was a case of talking to her employers and then they have a magical change of mindset, then I’m pretty sure OP would have done that. When you work somewhere of this culture and expectations then things like ‘contracted hours’ are abstract concepts that no one is remotely interested in.

The OP is in a position where if she cuts back her hours, her employer will give her negative feedback, hound her and generally make her employment untenable, that’s what companies like this do. Some jobs you can’t just clock off when you’re technically contracted to and expect to have a job for long. That’s why I asked about financial situation to see if there’s wiggle room for a change of job to something less demanding.

You aren't working seven days a week? You are entitled to annual leave also? You need to spend your non-working time with her, building up her self-entertainment skills, so that when you are working, she isn't just glued to a screen or mooching for food.

I'm guessing the person who wrote this is not a single parent who works full time. Single parents and their kids have to SURVIVE in these situations. That means making it through the flipping day with food, love and shelter.

I'd make it clear that this screen time is temporary whilst we are in this situation and when she's back at school her routine will look like x. Actually write is down visually and put it on the fridge. Ie school, homework, reading and spelling, tea, screen time, games, bath and bed.
Any weight and gaps in knowledge will be sorted with time.
Any chance you could give her mini challenges that are within her capabilities, little bags set up, use her interests.
But tbh you have to work so I'd give her the day, could you fit some schoolwork in in the evenings and weekends.

This isn’t the government or society, this is your employer. If you were working for any decent employer, you’d have balance and decent contracted hours, leaving plenty of time for your child. Redirect your anger to your shitty employer.

Can you pay an older child even if they are post GCSE Year 11,12,13 to Tutor her?

Give her a project "The Romans" -set the table with lovely stationary, scrap book, some books on the romans and a DVD about a the romans -and ask her to fill the exercise book with an amazing project? Say every morning until 2 is screen free and on project.

Take the screens off for an hour or two hours in the evening and have her reading a book.

If you were working for any decent employer, you’d have balance and decent contracted hours, leaving plenty of time for your child.

That’s not true though, most people are contracted to 8 hours a day, which is far too long to leave a child with no interaction. People cannot be physically present to do two things at the same time.

Our school have a club over the summer now for working parents, could something like that help perhaps