To feel appalling guilt and impotence over my DD during lockdown

[thepeopleversuswork]

I know rationally that its not my fault exactly.
But during lockdown I feel my DD has gone backwards in so many ways and I blame myself.
I'm a lone parent and am working on average 10 hours a day. I'm on conference or zoom calls all day or working on documents. There is absolutely no question of my easing off at work, they don't take my situation into consideration at all.
The outputs of that are a) I can only support home schooling in the most rudimentary way -- I can't really supervise and she gets very little done b) she relies hugely on screen-based entertainment. I feel so awful about this but in a lot of situations its literally the only way to guarantee the non-interruption I need in order to be able to work.
During lockdown we have ensured that we build in exercise and I have tried to make time after work for non-screen based things (games/puzzles/reading). And she reads a lot. But the reality is she spends a vast amount of her time on youtube or on her tablet. I feel she has lost some social skills and she has put on weight.
I've tried motivating her to do other things (craft etc). But its always with limited success. She'll do it for a short time and then will default back to screens. I can't take the risk of her coming in and interrupting calls etc so I tend to take the path of least resistance and usually just let her get on with it.

I know in my head that this is probably just the way we've been able to cope. But I feel a mixture of appalling guilt for allowing it to continue as long as it has and anger and resentment at people who haven't had to make this choice. I know people on furlough can't be blamed for this and try hard to separate this in my head but I still feel inexplicably angry that I have had to do so much with so little support and my daughter has suffered so much as a result of my burning myself into the ground to keep the lights on.
I'm worried about lasting damage to her from this and wonder if anyone has advice about a) helping children move back into some normalised world after lockdown and b) helping support them reclaim life after screens. Because I am really eaten up about it and we both need to move on.

OP
Nothing helpful to add really, just to say you’re doing amazing and it’s a shit situation made worse by your workload and employers attitude. I know I’m struggling and I’m not a lone parent. A big problem is also the lack of headspace to make changes, set up play dates with friends, police screen time and deal with the arguments!

Same here , and two kids
I decided to stop berating myself

It’s a strange time and unusual

You are doing your very best

What is to be gained by feeling shit as you really don’t have other options

Cut the sugar , increase exercise in the non work time and BE KIND to yourself

I let my two stay up later at night so I can spend that time with them and lie on in the morning. I get up at 7 and do an hours online yoga which puts me in the right frame of mind for the day and then start working. Like you I am on zoom alot and I normally break for lunch and then back until 5.30 or 6. Their sports training has started back up so that is mon-thur 6.30 -7.30 so at least they are getting decent exercise. Ds11 has started going out on his bike and cycling around with his friends but dd12 is finding it a bit harder to pick up where she left off. I give them chores and then pretty much leave them to their screens. School has finished here since june 30 so no more homeschooling which takes that pressure off and I have booked leave/unpaid leave for August as I need to spend proper time with them and have factored it into my budget. I'm not angry though with anyone else and am just accepting that this is my lot for now and getting on with it. There are lots of positives too. No commute, no afterschool costs, less stress from always being on the go somewhere. Cleaner house as I can stick on a load of washing between zoom calls. It won't last forever and very few people are unaffected by this. I am thankful that we are all healthy and together and have nice food and a few quid for extras like letting them order a few bits on line for their room or some new clothes.

YANBU. It's not your fault. I feel your completely understandable stress. This will be over since they'll all go back to school in September.

Do you talk to her about what she's up to, what she's enjoying, what she's learned about when you do get that time for walks? I imagine it would be easy for her to feel you disapprove of how she's spending her time – but it's not her fault either. Right now, anything goes and she may well look back on as a fun time in years to come.

Me too , bedtimes got very very late
But this meant I could do the calls in quiet before they woke up
Screen time is a concern , mine are now with their dad but I am worried they come back and expect the (very) late bedtime and awfully high screen time

Must get tough

You're doing your best OP in an extremely difficult and unprecedented situation. Sometimes that's the best we can do, just keep plodding on as best we can for a while until things change again. Don't be too hard on yourself, you can only do what you can do.💐

OP - how is your DD's emotional/mental well being? Because if that is remaining robust, under these weird and difficult conditions, then I really think you can cut yourself a lot of slack. Yes, screens constantly isn't ideal BUT... you're clearly getting out and about, and you are spending time with her. Also, a lot of screen time does often have a surprisingly educational element - DD's vocabulary, for example, has come along leaps and bounds in lockdown! The fact that she reads a lot is also really fantastic and puts you, and her, in a good position for the future.

Some of these ideas here may well be useful, particularly for variety and to engage her differently and to help her with the social aspect - eg swapping days with a friend so both kids are at yours one day and somewhere else another, childcare over the holidays, someone who comes in to do a little structured tutoring/coaching etc.

I know we're all supposed to think screens are the worst thing ever. But in these unprecedented (hate the word, but there you are) times, I think we also have to think about the reality. There are few other options for children. We can't send them out places. They don't have school. Play dates are relatively limited. Activities out of the house are limited. For example, usually, during the school holidays, whoever has the kids (me or DH) usually tries to do something with them, usually out the house, in the morning/early afternoon. Then, if they're on screens later we don't feel guilty and can get on with whatever we need to do. Currently however, the options of things to do in this way are much more limited. Recent weather hasn't helped.

You are doing okay. Hang in there.

There’s a Facebook group that you might find helpful - the limited screen-time family. There are always lots of discussions about how to encourage independent play, how to reduce screen time and what to expect when you do. Also there are lots of people on there struggling with limiting screen time in lockdown and no judgment about that! You might find some useful tips on there, if not for now then for how to change things when life gets back to something approaching normal.

Is this a new contract? They can't sack you for asking them to adhere to working hours directives. Regardless of whether you had a child or not asking someone to work till 10pm and start at 7am isn't ok unless they are giving you time off during the day or in lieu.

You sound like you're having a tough time, mum guilt is the absolute worst!!!! you sound like an amazing mum, you're angry about this because you care so much about your daughter and you're working so hard to give her a good life. Always remember that when you're having down days, everything you're doing is for her.

You're in an impossible situation at the moment, but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, your daughter will be back at school in September and she'll be back mixing with her friends and being taught by her teacher....who I'm sure will fully appreciate that the kids will need a bit of extra support next year, as your daughter isn't the only child in this situation, lots of us have had to make questionable parenting choices over the past few months. I don't know where abouts in the country you are but in my area there are lots of 'holiday clubs' starting to re-open, is getting her into one of those an option for you? just to allow you to work in peace knowing your daughter is being entertained?

Once your daughter is back in school and you have some breathing space, you need to focus on yourself...find a new job! you're unhappy and you're being disrespected and overworked, don't worry that all employers are the same and end up staying where you are, lots of employers are flexible and family friendly

BlingLoving

Generally speaking, her MH has held up reasonably well. There have been one or two tough incidents where, in retrospect, she has reacted badly to me being stressed and has slapped me on one occasion. I'm getting help for her for that and it hasn't recurred but I'm keeping my eye on it.

She seems to have adapted fairly well to the "new normal" in the sense that she's perfectly happy to entertain herself on her own. I think that's what scares and depresses me, to be honest. Its the fact that she thinks this is normal life.

AnneOfQueenSables No they won't sack me for asking to work to WTD. They will just mark me out as someone who doesn't have what it takes. Making it much easier to make me redundant.

@thepeopleversuswork

BlingLoving

Generally speaking, her MH has held up reasonably well. There have been one or two tough incidents where, in retrospect, she has reacted badly to me being stressed and has slapped me on one occasion. I'm getting help for her for that and it hasn't recurred but I'm keeping my eye on it.

She seems to have adapted fairly well to the "new normal" in the sense that she's perfectly happy to entertain herself on her own. I think that's what scares and depresses me, to be honest. Its the fact that she thinks this is normal life.

But you surely have reminded her that this is not normal? My seven year old has adapted fairly well, and we have slid into late bedtimes and screen time to cope with being a lone parent working. It's been ok. But she knows, and I remind her that this is not forever. School will go back, and normal bedtimes will return, and less screen time as well. If shes coped well, and you have managed to cope, then it's a win in these pandemic times. There's not point carrying guilt, we all did what we could.

Gosh you poor thing OP - l have been on furlough for a while now, job is safe so not worried about that but even after school work and exercise, l still have so many hours in the day to kill with dd and have also started to rely on screens as we literally run out of things to do. Was always very strict before and she barely went on the computer - drives me mad constantly asking to go on Roblox then talking about it when she isn't on it. But l have told her when she is back at school, computer games will be nothing more than a weekend treat. So hard but you sound like you are under a lot of pressure and l really felt for you xxx

audweb

It's not just the guilt its the constant feeling that you're failing hopelessly at both jobs. Work are constantly bollocking me for low performance/dropped balls which are dropped due to distractions here. And DD is on my case about how she's only on screens because I can't play with her. So everything that happens is my fault.

OP, this is shit and no "kind words" from people online like - "awww, but you're doing your best!" and "don't be so tough on yourself" are going to help. It does set your child back and puts her even in more disadvantaged position compared to her peers.
I have myself resigned from my job, I cannot do this anymore. I am a lone parent to YR and Y1 children, in a good corporate job. One of very clear consequences of the lockdown is that trust and emotional connection is broken between me and my children. I am "there" physically, but not really present for them, and had to consciously ignore their attempts to interact with me in favour of never ending meaningless work calls and stupid documents. To the point when they now just don't bother interacting with me. It is emotional abuse from my side, if looking at it objectively. Refrigerator mother, I think it is called.
I'd much rather live now on very little, but fix the family environment. Money won't make me happy if my children are not right.

She will be back at school come September,things will ease then .
She’s old enough to not disturb u
Try setting her tasks to do ,maths English ect that she crosses of on a list ,ending with some tasks around the house ,where at the end there is a treat ,Freddy bar ,something small ,and her screen time is then allowed .
You could try a reward system for completing all tasks ,and not disturbing you ,so at the end of each day ,you put marbles in a jar ,one for every educational task ,one for a bit of dusting ,washing up ,and 2 for not disturbing you.
Then when she gets to 20 or more you have a treat planned ,a day out at the weekend ,a new top ,anything she is interested in

You can’t change your situation,you can just work with what you have .

It's not just the guilt its the constant feeling that you're failing hopelessly at both jobs.

It’s absolutely soul destroying, I know exactly how you feel.

It’s so depressing that people have been put on this position, the powers that be don’t give a shit and many are so clueless about what it’s doing up you.

I’m not a single parent but I’m home everyday with my DD and working full time in a demanding role. This week is our last week of home schooling and I’m delighted about that. I found that the only thing that worked was writing a schedule for the day together. She knows when my meeting times are and I give her lots of golden time.

Have you booked any holiday clubs?

This may not be a popular opinion but I’d give up on the school work now. I can’t help my 9yo for more than 10 minutes at a time and he keeps coming downstairs in tears because he doesn’t understand the work that’s been set. And I can’t help with that when I have a ft professional role with directors report deadlines coming out of my ears. It’s impossible. Anyone who thinks it’s doable has never done it.

There’s one of me. One. Not two, who can take on two full time jobs between them. One person = One full time job. No wiggle or slack.

Have a few inset days then the school year will be over.

On the plus side he now has several hundred more subscribers to his channel and gets player gifts on roblox.

Choppedupapple

I haven't booked yet - haven't had time -- but I will.

Lemons1571 I have effectively given it up.

I basically get her started on it in the morning and set her a task. Time allowing, I will then check in in about an hour to see if she's made any progress. On an unusually chilled day I might be able to help her through her maths and maybe one English exercise. And that's as good as it ever gets.

There have been numerous days when she hasn't touched it.

Hello there,

I have 4 kids (11, 9, 7 and 2,5 years old) but I "do not work", so slightly different position. (Our school was v unsupportive)

Some practical things that worked for us (on top of "traditional schooling time at home")
My 9 year old started to use traditional camera - wondered around the garden for birds, insects, flowers etc, also reading upon the subject from paper based books.
We've been gardening before, but they got more involved - 11 year old daughter spent a great deal of time with her plans - growing plants from seeds. Even in a balcony you can grow something, preferably edible.
We have no pets due to our imminent move, but for the next lockdown I will have relatively low maintenance pets (rabbit, guinea pig, or even chicken - collecting eggs is very exciting). Looking after pets can be very rewarding.
My 11 year old started writing a diary - every day.
She also writes traditional paper based letter to her friend (who moved away years ago), her grandparents, her auntie. It is always so lovely to receive a letter from some friends.
She learnt how to make bread (not difficult) and provided the family with bread during the early days of lockdown, and since then she bakes every now and again. Your daughter can do that, once taught, it is easy.
Screen-time. We don't have TV, they can only watch films I give them. David Attenborough is always a good choice if you want some educational staff.
Books - of course, but not kindle. My children (apart from the two youngest) read a lot, as they do not have a choice - they also read to each other. (Asterix, Tintin can be very addictive in a good way)
How about learning an instrument - music teachers were quite good at giving online lessons - also daily practices would be ideal. (Another non-screen activity)

So the above activities fill some part of the day. The rest spent with arguing or some great fighting (between the boys)- which of course you cannot provide ;-)

I think you can make a huge difference by limiting internet use, instead put on an off-line film for her when needed. The internet is so addictive (and full of meaningless crap) that everything else seems just too slow, too boring in comparison. But it can be reversed fairly quickly, especially if you offer some interesting alternative.

she's perfectly happy to entertain herself on her own. I think that's what scares and depresses me

This made me think. I grew up in a remote area and my mum worked a lot, mornings and evenings (hospitality but at home) and you know something, independence and learning to entertain yourself and deal with boredom can be a useful thing to have.

In some ways todays children are very stimulated in terms of often having activities and clubs etc and while that is good in some ways being able to deal with entertaining yourself can be a creative thing too.