To feel appalling guilt and impotence over my DD during lockdown

[thepeopleversuswork]

I know rationally that its not my fault exactly.
But during lockdown I feel my DD has gone backwards in so many ways and I blame myself.
I'm a lone parent and am working on average 10 hours a day. I'm on conference or zoom calls all day or working on documents. There is absolutely no question of my easing off at work, they don't take my situation into consideration at all.
The outputs of that are a) I can only support home schooling in the most rudimentary way -- I can't really supervise and she gets very little done b) she relies hugely on screen-based entertainment. I feel so awful about this but in a lot of situations its literally the only way to guarantee the non-interruption I need in order to be able to work.
During lockdown we have ensured that we build in exercise and I have tried to make time after work for non-screen based things (games/puzzles/reading). And she reads a lot. But the reality is she spends a vast amount of her time on youtube or on her tablet. I feel she has lost some social skills and she has put on weight.
I've tried motivating her to do other things (craft etc). But its always with limited success. She'll do it for a short time and then will default back to screens. I can't take the risk of her coming in and interrupting calls etc so I tend to take the path of least resistance and usually just let her get on with it.

I know in my head that this is probably just the way we've been able to cope. But I feel a mixture of appalling guilt for allowing it to continue as long as it has and anger and resentment at people who haven't had to make this choice. I know people on furlough can't be blamed for this and try hard to separate this in my head but I still feel inexplicably angry that I have had to do so much with so little support and my daughter has suffered so much as a result of my burning myself into the ground to keep the lights on.
I'm worried about lasting damage to her from this and wonder if anyone has advice about a) helping children move back into some normalised world after lockdown and b) helping support them reclaim life after screens. Because I am really eaten up about it and we both need to move on.

I have been against school closure and lock down from the start. It was a mistake.

It probably cannot be afforded in this case but a lot of parents have had to pay someone to come to their house such as a local student at least for a few hours a day to do childcare.

That must be really hard and I feel for you. You don't need to apologise.

Saladmakesmesad

I know. But I also know that they won't make any adjustments and getting angry at them would lead only to my dismissal. Which is not a win/win.

Your anger, frustration and exhaustion are all completely understandable. You’re in a terrible position and I really feel for you.
However, I don’t think the impact on your DD will be nearly as bad as you fear. You say she’s doing educational stuff on screens, at least some of the time, and you’re doing really good non-screen activities and trips whenever you can.
So (a) your DD is still getting the message that education and sociable activities matter
(b) she is old enough to see that you are going absolutely above and beyond for her every spare minute you get
(c) you are modelling a great work and independence ethic but, most importantly, (d) it is a few months out of a lifetime and will do no lasting harm.
Try not to worry, you’re doing your best, you care and your dad knows that

A project is a great idea. The exercise, obvs there's Joe Wicks and others but could you go for thirty min walk, bike ride etc? My friend has been doing couch to 5k with her kids, one 9 one 7.

It's really not your fault. I feel like my kids have regressed a lot. Though my DH is on furlough just now so we are all coping a bit better.

Given that the key decision makers around COVID are all middle aged men it's not a shocker that families were barely talked about or considered. I hope it haunts them at the ballot box.

Does she have a friend that you are happy to arrange a play date with? Recently my kids have started socialising again and just admit I’m happy about this. Kids need each other. Especially after the turmoil And strangeness of recent times! However don’t feel guilty. Employers are taking absolute advantage over home workers and are extremely reluctant to take their personal circs into account. Home workers are putting in 120% and getting no thanks ( I’m not a home worker btw). I get feeling that furloughed workers aren’t suffering this and i think it’s normal to feel the unfairness if it all. These are strange days. We are all coping in our own ways. Things will Start to settle into another new normal soon. And then another one, and then another one..... beat we can do is cope as well as we can. You’re doing a great job. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

I have so much sympathy for you OP, you've both been dealt a shit hand by this crisis and you are doing your best. Please be kind to yourself. Children are resilient and she will come back from this.

In the meantime, you say you're working a couple of hours on a Saturday and Sunday, can you shift that so you are working all those extra hours on one day, giving you a full day off? You need this for your own mental health. And spend as much as you can of that day outside.

"For example, inexplicably, I've been given a job to do which requires me to work first thing in the morning (think before 7am) and last thing at night (ie 10pm - 11pm). I've been doing this for three and a half months and I'm totally exhausted"

Have you opted out of European working time directives? Because they're taking the absolute piss out of you and you're letting them. Say no, what's the job they've given you?

Have you opted out of European working time directives? Because they're taking the absolute piss out of you and you're letting them.

Many people are required to opt out of the WTD as part of their job, it’s not unusual.

If you stick to your contracted hours in these kind if jobs you won’t last long. Especially these days.

It’s not your responsibility to manage work load, that is your manager’s job. Just because you can see the stress the rest of your team would be under if you dialled it back a bit doesn’t actually make it your responsibility, and certainly not at the expense of your daughter.

Right now you are taking way more responsibility than is healthy, and that could be a one way ticket to a breakdown, and where would that leave your daughter then?

I echo what others have said about jettisoning the guilt. Very little if any of this is your fault, but the fact you are feeling guilt not just over your daughter, but also potentially over letting your team down is trapping you.

I get we are all in a somewhat survival mode still, but it sounds as if you are perilously close to the end of your rope. It is ok to fail, but it’s not ok to give up. Judging from your words you sound like the kind of person who would never give up. As such I’d wager you are actually an extremely competent person, both as a mother and an employee. Please give yourself some credit.

So I felt huge guilt. I've tried to get my kids to work. Fortunately they are younger than yours

My friend said to me. It doesn't matter what level she's at. When she goes back to school they'll be teaching them all at the same level. To do the same stuff. Exactly the way they did before. A whole generation are going to be effected basically and this will always have to be taken into account.

It doesn't matter how fast the water gets poured into the cup. It will be full at the end. Whether that be quickly or slowly

She had 3 children. One had downs. On was at her age and one was a genius. They all got taught the exact same subjects at the exact same time. So no need to worry. Good luck

You are doing an amazing job and I think you are being too hard on yourself.

I would talk to her and just have a conversation about the situation and how it is not for ever.

Is it possible for you to have a set up together for part of the day, so even though you are working you are interacting with her as you would a colleague. She can have her own projects to do.
She is seeing you work, she is seeing your work ethic and you are both together and she is safe with you. She would never get to see this and how hard you work for both of you.

Can you set a schedule for the day or show her your schedule, you can both do a to-do list. As someone suggested up stream, give her a couple of chores to do to give her some responsibilities. Can she be in charge of drinks and snacks at 11? Can she put a washing load on or unload the dish washer.

Can you do chair yoga together at a certain time.
She is going to be fine. Scoop her up and give her a hug.
Best of luck

You are in this together, try to become a team. I know she is only 9 but a little bit of responsibility would not hurt her and actually help her grow.

Can you also block out your calendar for 1/2 hour a day just for her. Go for a walk or something.

You do need to talk to your boss about work life balance.

youhave4substitutes

My entire industry is opted out of WTD. They would laugh in my face (or put me on notice) if I raised this with them.

lightyearsahead

Thanks: good suggestions. We do build in some time every day. We have a walk/bike ride in the morning and usually a walk every afternoon if I'm not too busy. Plus we always do something non screen based for an hour before bed.

Thanks everyone for being supportive. I appreciate all of your input and it helps to know people understand.

I'm sorry OP.

You are right, single parent families have been treated appallingly. Whenever it comes up, people's response is why doesn't the dad help (was going to say missing parent but honestly 9/10 times it is dad who is absent)? Not helpful at all when one explains they are single and people insist on saying the dad should still help, then go on a segue about single mums.

It's not your fault OP. You are doing amazing, most wouldn't cope. Hope it gets better soon.
(Sorry no practical advice)

I feel for you and my situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours. I'm working full time but will less meetings and am able to dip in and out to help dc but it's still incredibly hard. I've been beating myself up over the excessive screen time and stunted progress with their work too.

You've had some great advice and I think we all need to keep hope that in September this will improve and the kids will get some normality back. This isn't forever. Is it possible for you to take some annual leave? Even a day or afternoon a week would give you that breathing space to spend with dd.

Please don't feel bad you're not alone.

I may be out of line here but can you put together a timetable when you have the time and structure the day that way. It will keep you both on track and will help your DD back in to routine. So make up a two week timetable and alternate different lessons. Then you ask her to come up with one thing she would like to do at the weekend and you come up with the other activity. Farms and zoos are open now which could be a lovely treat if she follows her timetable.
So for example

Monday
10-11 maths worksheets and timetables
11-12 arts and crafts maybe making cards for occasions or making bookmarks (there's loads of these things onliney you can print and give her instructions)
1230-1 making lunch with you if that's when you take ur lunch break so a quick pasta or even a butty but getting her involved in healthy choices.
1-2 free time on ipad and lunch
2-3 could be reading, spotting spelling mistakes or writing a poem about something specific
3-4 dance and movement - making a dance routine to some songs that you will watch her perform at the end of the day.
5-530 helping to make dinner and maybe baking when you are less busy.

I think aswell maybe trying to set these lessons up like stations so maybe maths on the table in kitchen, arts n crafts outside or in conservatory with everything set out. English in living room and then upstairs for dance and music. As adults we know how boring it is sat in the same environment for hours on end so trying to mix it up might help and letting her know there is a structure in place to follow. I don't have a 9 year old though so feel free to tell me this won't work. On other days she could do history ( read about mummies) geography (make a test for all the capitals and get a globe) and drama she could make her own plays up to perform for you when ur finished work. and you could even get her a little audio book for languages. While ur making the timetable make a few tests.

genteelwoman

"Why doesn't the dad help?"

Bitter LOL. If I had a pound for every time this had been said to me I wouldn't need to work.

Wereeaglesdare

Thanks. We do have this to a degree. eg morning walk/bike ride then breakfast then school work. Break at 10.30 then work up until lunch etc. Up to a point it helps, particularly with mornings, when the structure flows more naturally.

The problem is I'm not around to keep it on track: I can't afford to be as I have so much to do. So to make it work efficiently I'd need to be coming back into the room every half hour or so and monitoring/supervising. If I did that I just wouldn't get my work done.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Could she perhaps go and play in a friend's garden with them? Also when things are settled down I would seriously reconsider changing jobs. I don't think I'd be able to forgive an employer who had been so demanding and inflexible during this time. Rightly or wrongly I'd hold this against them.

Thurmanmurman I can’t really forgive them and I will be off when I can.

You would have thought the Prime Minister would have been more sympathetic to lone parents. He's created enough of them.

It's never been explained to me, in a reasonably-sized firm, why they felt it was appropriate to give this job to the one person they knew had absolutely no childcare support.

What did they say when you said it would be difficult for you?

Could you book her into some holiday clubs over the coming weeks? Preferably sports club to get her moving?

Can you get a nanny type of person to come every day to spend some time "teaching" your dd or just playing with her. Maybe even a local teenager? I know it's such a rubbish situation. I think we all feel alot of guilt. But you are doing your best. Maybe you need to be stricter about screen time and say she has to read/ play for an hour first before she gets screen time. Your family should have helped you out more as well imo. I'm sure she will be ok in the long run as school will start again in September. I've managed to find some holiday club type things for my boys in the summer. Maybe have a look to see if anything at all is available x