Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

Dial it forward a few years and think of a 13 year old with a 60 year old mum...
Don't do it, it's unfair.

Why is it, though? It's obvious that you will be X age when your child is X age by doing very simple maths at the time of considering whether to TTC - it's not esoteric knowledge - but what is actually wrong with having a 13yo at 60?

Granted, a lot of people would find it exhausting, so they make their own decision not to do so.

For those who do choose to go for it, for the average person, 60 is really not old these days. It's not like you have to keep running around after a teenager (unless they have severe SN) and stopping them running into the road or eating dishwasher tablets. Most of the work of parenting a teenager is psychological and emotional - something that the vast majority of 60yo people are fully capable of doing, especially considering all of their extra life experience over a 40yo with the same teenager.

it’s for entirely selfish reasons

Everyone has children for selfish reasons. Because they want children.
That's the only reason to have children.

As another poster has said - until contraception, having babies in your 40s was common.

and declining fitness at the same time as a young child needs you to be in full fettle and firing on all cylinders Have you heard of the obestiy epidemic? Lots of younger women are very unfit and having babies.

Lots of women through history have dealt with children whilst going through menopause. Lots of women now have children in their 40s and will do this.

Its not a matter of the ideal - I am sure your friend is aware her life is not ideal - its a matter of how much she wants this and the work it will entail.

As for the child, most people prefer living to non-existence. Lots of us never have perfect lives in perfect situations. Living in low income households is hard and presents challenges and limitations - should lower income people not have children?

Perhaps only women aged 28, (to ensure the child is least late teens before menopause hits, but the mother has lived enough to be mature enough to raise a child) who has bought a house, lives in a two parent household with family close enough to provide inter-generational support and earning at least 50% above average household income, and obviously living within catchment of decent schools, should have children? Otherwise the poor child may be disadvantaged?

There’s a reason natural fertility in women tapers off in your 40s.

My mum was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 57. That was hard enough for me heading into my 30s. Can you imagine what that would do to a 10 year old.

Yes women in the past often had a “menopause” baby in their 40s, but I don’t think many were planned that way.
As PPs have said, just because you can doesn’t mean you should

It’s not ageist. No one would think having a baby at 14 is a good idea even though most probably could.
If it had happened by accident then fine. Planning for one is odd.

What was the reason she didn’t want one earlier in do you know?

My Nan had my mum and her twin in her mid forties. My Nan was very fit and well right up to her late 80s and died at 91. So mum had her around for a while and she looked after me (Nan would have been mid 70s when I was born) and I have good memories of her. So I guess it can work. It was very difficult for my Nan though I understand she had terrible post natal depression the pregnancy was unplanned and twins at that age would have been difficult for her

Another consideration is where your friend lives. We live in a London and DH and I don't really consider ourselves much older parents than others around us (had DD at 38 and DS at 40). BUT when we are on holiday in more rural parts of the UK we definitely notice that we are at least 10 years older than most other parents if we go to a playground / petting farm or similar place. A few times we have mistaken for. Ring their grandparents. I know this isn't a deal breaker but maybe something to think about.

I agree that at times it is daunting that we will be nearly 60 when our youngest turns 20 but like others gave mentioned we are more financially secure than we would have been in our 20s or 30s. For those who wonder why we left it so late - we didn't actually meet until we were 37 so once we met each other we actually got on with having kids pretty quickly

"I regularly have unprotected sex with DP on the grounds that we are too old to conceive (I am evidently well into perimenopause)."

You can still get pregnant whilst perimenopausal.

@Rufus27

Threads like this really touch a nerve. Some of us don’t have a choice when we become a parent. I‘m 48 with a two and three year old.

While I may not have planned to be an older mum, being older does mean our children benefit from one of us being able to afford to be a sahp, we have a more child friendly house and garden than we could have afforded in our 30s or 40s and as parents, we are much more chilled than we would have been previously.

I’m not the oldest mum at the school gate and I’d say a third of local mums had a baby in their 40s, so we are not such a rare breed either.

Some of these posts are ageist and verging on hurtful.

Exactly what I was going to say. I'm 45 and have just had DD2. DD1 is now 3. Both conceived naturally, problem free pregnancies. I didn't meet DH until I was 38, so had no choice but to start my family later. We are both fit and healthy. I nearly lost contact with a friend who said of course I was too old to have a second. That's very easy for someone to say who met their husband in their 20s and has their 2 children. Everyone else, including midwives and my gp, has been very supportive. Our girls are our world, we are so lucky to have them, and we can give them lots of time as I only need to work part time now. Support your friend - she'll appreciate it.

People go on about ageism but when is the cut off point. 70? 80?

You dont want to hurt people's feelings but you'd think she'd considered it before now. Midlife crisis much?

I'm 27 and it isn't easy. I couldn't imagine doing it at 47.

My mum is 47 though (she has various disabilities that effect mobility) but other than that, she's on great form and has so much energy for my little boy.

If her health was better I'm sure she'd of had plenty more kids into her forties.

It's each time their own I suppose

I wouldn't fancy it but I find being a mum to my only toddler DD hard in my mid thirties! Entirely up to the person I guess.

My Granny had her last child when she was fifty perfectly naturally 47 is not a problem at all.

She’s been going round in circles for years about it and still doesn’t seem to think there is an urgency about her situation if she wants kids

This is frankly stupid, though. If she wanted children and has been thinking about it for years, she should have done it years ago.

I never understand why having a baby at an older age is so frowned upon on here, whereas other less than advantageous situations don’t seem to attract the same censure.

For example being poor, less well educated, having health issues, no extended family nearby, etc, etc.

Can we not use black people as a way to prove a point ffs, they’re not there to cement an opinion.

Fair enough, then. Choose any group of people you like who are targeted by bullies who decide to torment them about something that they are - ginger hair, disability, lack of height, having same-sex parents, born to people on benefits or in low-paid work, whatever - and ask yourself if bullies are justified for doing it and that, therefore, any would-be parents with a certainty or higher than average chance of having a baby with that characteristic are selfish for deciding to have a baby; ergo, the parents are to blame for the bullying and not the bullies?

I have an older parent and it’s very hard. I couldn’t do it

"My Granny had her last child when she was fifty perfectly naturally 47 is not a problem at all." Whilst it's not uncommon to have a baby at that age it is to have your first.... In our 'grandmothers' era a baby at that age would have been the last and there would be plenty of daughters to help bring it up!

Goodness! I was an elderly primagravid and received special attention in labour due to my advanced age with my pfb.
I was 28!

I'm that age now and, while I wouldn't want to start again, I don't personally feel past it.
But I remember talking to an upset teen years ago who was just fed up that people always assumed her parents were her grandparents and who felt embarressed by it so I've always done the quick 'how old would I be when they were 15 in high school?' sum when factoring in what age I'd consider stopping at.

I feel it's too old purely for the child's sake. I always said I wouldn't have any past 35 and had my youngest 22 days after my 35th birthday 😂.
When I was going to all my appointments I was called a geriatric mum ,massively different to when I had my son at 24 and daughter at 27.
I found my almost 18 month olds pregnancy really difficult. There is 10 years between her and my eldest. I think it takes a completely different toll on the body in comparison to being younger.

Add in menopause with young child, not fair on either of them

The previous statement sounds sexist but that's how it was in those days!

People talking on here like a random woman's choice about when to have a baby affects them and their lives

As for the child, most people prefer living to non-existence.

In this case we are talking about a purely hypothetical child who will be none the wiser if it is never born.

Also OP...why arent you sharing your own opinion?