Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

It's a personal choice but, if she's healthy and can support the child then I see no reason why not. Obviously there are risks having a baby at that age but if she's well supported then that's fine.
I'm pregnant and will be 32 when DC is born. DH is and will be 50. I know people say 20s is a good age as you're fit and healthy etc, but people have different aspirations and goals to achieve before settling down to have a family.
I used my 20s to enjoy myself, get my career sorted and have been offered my dream job closer to home. I also enjoyed being married to my DH for 4 years without children so we're ready to take that next step.

We live in the 21st Century people! Times have changed and there are no 'rules' about when to achieve specific goals in life.

I had my much wanted baby in my 40s as did several other women in my family. We have had no problems.

As others have pointed out, sometimes life doesn't go the way you expect it to and I wasn't in a position to have a baby any earlier. I'm not tired. The teenage years are fine and menopause is under control thank you for asking. My DD has never been bullied about my age - most people have no idea how old I am. I'm financially stable and looking forward to retiring when DD goes to university. So all good.

I wish your friend well and to all the other older mothers on MN, who no doubt supported friends and family when they had their babies and had to wait to hold their own in their arms; congratulations!

What is too old is this ZOMBIE thread from Jul 20.

If it were me I’d retire early and hopefully have years of enjoying parenthood. I know two women who had children in their 50s thinking they were going through the menopause and enjoyed being parents, died in their 70s. Their respective children were in 20s and hadn’t become carer to their elderly parents.

However I found parenting difficult in my 40s to teens.

@Wombatstew

What is too old is this ZOMBIE thread from Jul 20.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

The judgement about older mums on here is pretty grim.

If she can have one and has the energy needed to raise a child fair play to her but with or without donor eggs (and it probably would need to be donor eggs) your body is less able to handle the rigors of pregnancy at that age.

She should talk to a good IVF clinic, one that won't just bullshit her. I'd recommend finding one that is a teaching trust and fertility research centre, rather than one that is more of a commercial IVF clinic. She might find that the decision has been made for her or that the odds don't make it worth the money.

We see a lot of stories in the news these days about much older, high profile women having babies later, but what we don't see is the huge amounts of money that go into it. I think it gives some women a false impression of what is possible.

@Ponoka7

I was being sarcastic!

😂

I am in my 60's. If I'd not been able to have a child in my 30's or early 40's I'd have considered having one in my late 40's if it had been physically possible.
Lack of energy? this is not such a problem in your late 40's and 60's if you have not spent time struggling to juggle work and home as most of us do at that age. I would not struggle physically with the demands of parenting a child now , though in my 40's I really was tired all the time.
Not all teens are difficult, and i really felt that once the children were in secondary school life was a lot easier, mainly driving them about.
OP, your friend may be too old but she may, in fact be just the right age.

I was 42 and conceived naturally. It was fine. DD is fine. Financially well-established with the wisdom and experience of being older. I was tired, sure, and menopausal. It wasn't perfect, but no parenting experience is.

Personally I think your friend IS a little too old, especially if it's a first child. If you already have one, you are at least prepared.

I'm staggered though at the implications on this thread (typical of MN) that anyone above the age of 40 is knackered and over the hill. It really is not true. I'm 61 and still making a useful contribution to society being in work full time, fit and active and, I hope, relevant for a few years yet.

Personally I think she'd probably regret it. I had mine in my early 40s and I love them but really wish I'd been able to have them younger. I think 43 would be my personal cut-off, 47 is just a bit too late. However I don't know her or her situation. If she's healthy, in a good relationship, financially secure and has a good support network then maybe?

I had a friend who had a daughter at 21, she died of cancer at 26 when her LO was 5. Even people who have kids young are not guaranteed to be there for them so this may be a good thing for your friend to do. Only she knows really.

@Wombatstew

What is too old is this ZOMBIE thread from Jul 20.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

It's no-one else's business, but no-one would bat an eye or pass comment if it was a 47 year old man.

Plenty of women cope fine with the menopause. Plenty of younger parents die young (my Mother's did in his early 30s) - having children young is no guarantee.

Some women have children naturally at this age, yes it's rarer but it's not completely unheard of. My aunt had two in her 40s and they were the fastest, least traumatic births possible from the sounds of it. It was something like an hour from start to finish for both, no complications, she was up and about the same day.

I'm sure any woman considering pregnancy at this age would consider the risks and benefits to the child (and there are benefits too) and to themselves before embarking upon it.

If this is a real OP, then the OP should consider whether it's her place as a 'friend' to judge her friends in their life decisions or whether the role of a friend is more to provide support.

Unless she asks you directly what you think, butt out.

Adoption is an option, maybe adoption an idea

Pretty sure she'd be too old to be considered for adoption. She needs to just let it go.

More parents are having children older and people are living older.

Personally I wouldn't do this at now 49 but I did have a pregnancy (which miscarried) at 46).

Donor eggs though providing there's testing etc the pregnancy should be ok if she's looked after properly by doctors.

Ultimately, it's up to them, but I think it's incredibly selfish.

Too old.
Imagine when the child will be 13 , she will be 60. The child will be embarrassed that her mum it’s too old.
Than when child will be 33 , she will be 80.
I’m 47 now and my child is 10.
She keeps telling me I’m the oldest mum at gates, does not want me there. Her friends parents are way younger than me- in their 30s.

I've told this story elsewhere but I met a lad the other day who is 13, and from the bits and pieces his parents told me (we all went to the same university and they told me the years they graduated) the parents were around 45 and 65 when he was born, which means they are now at least 58 and 78 respectively. The mum was sparky and energetic in conversation, but complained about her back and that she could no longer go for bike rides with her son as her knees can't take it - the dad spoke very slowly, a little doddery on his feet, and at one point looked like he was nodding off - he also couldn't follow the conversation between the rest of us that well (hard of hearing?). It was striking that the boy and his mum effectively ignored the dad throughout, not in an unkind way but in a way that makes me think that they live a very separate life to him day to day because he can't keep up. When I asked what they like to do together as a family (standard chit-chat question, wasn't fishing) the mum and son kind of shot each other a look, and then the son said "we like to cook for dad" almost as if they're his carers. Also, we spoke over zoom as they have been shielding the dad since last March and it sounds like their lives have been pretty limited by that.

But at the same time, one of the partners just retired from my company at the age of 80, and my neighbour is 93, very spry and still working (he started working before my parents were born, and is still working at the same place!!!)

I don't know. I know slowing down or needing care can happen at any age through illness but of course the chances are higher that that will happen if parents are older. And that's even before considering the chance of health issues for a potential baby and pregnant mum at that age.

I know how tired I felt when I was sixty, how many aches and pains I had. All my friends said the same. Though to look at me, (and them) you'd never have known. We all said we started to pace ourselves then, planning things more so that we didn't make more than one appointment in one day, if we could help it. The thought of having a teenager then is horrific!
I think at 46/7 I'd have had no problems at all dealing with a baby or toddler, but things would have gone downhill fast after that.

I had my youngest in late 40s. Physically I didnt feel any different to having my youngest and there’s a 7 year gap between them. I was reasonably fit and well though and most people assumed ( and still assume) I am younger. I had a very straightforward (scarily fast) birth with a one hour labour from first contraction to delivery. My main difficulty was the tendency for doctors to make assumtions about me because of my age so I had to dig my heels in to avoid a whole cascade of unnecessary intervention.

I also extended breast feeding for years and most people know that can be tiring and I dont have a particularly supportive hands on DH to put it mildly.

So your friend at 46/47 could do fine.

There were women much younger than me having health complications in pregnancy when I gave birth. It is hard to predict how a person will be when pregnant.

If it is her first child she has probably been hoping for years for a baby and telling her not to get pregnant because of her age is not what she wants to hear. As a friend you could help her prepare for what to expect, what the risks are etc. Maybe she could try and find out how her blood relatives have coped with pregnancy to give her a better idea of how her body may behave?

I come from a family where my ancestors had big families and would have been getting pregnant for as long as nature allowed. Women needed to be robust so I guess I inherited some of that robustness. She may be in that position too.

Her business really but it isn't for me.
I think the one thing that would put me off the most would be the increased chance of me just not being around as they grew up. If she is a prospective single parent then that's even more risky. I had mine at 35 and 37. I know quite a few people who've had babies in their early 40s. But nobody who's had their first in their late 40s.

Oh god - zombie thread you'd think I would have figured this out after over a decade on MN

@Keepnamechangin that's only a problem if you or DD let it be a problem.
I was NEVER embarrassed by my parents' age. My dad used to pick me up from school (he was mid-late 40s) and I never thought anything about his age. I knew some of my friends parents were younger but never really cared.

@Keepnamechangin

Too old. Imagine when the child will be 13 , she will be 60. The child will be embarrassed that her mum it’s too old. Than when child will be 33 , she will be 80. I’m 47 now and my child is 10. She keeps telling me I’m the oldest mum at gates, does not want me there. Her friends parents are way younger than me- in their 30s.

So you also shouldn't have a child if you're overweight or poor, or don't dress the way your children like, or have a disability? All these things (in fact, pretty much everything) can cause children embarrassment. And so what if she is 80 when their child in 33 - 33 is fully adult and should be of an age to deal with pretty much anything by themselves. I think there certainly are issues that the woman should consider, but not those.

If you decide to go ahead anyway, it is worth ensuring that you have family that can step in and care for dc should anything happen to you. This would need to be arranged in advance. Even if you started now you would be 48 before the baby even arrives. Almost fifty. You would be hitting pension age before they were even in their teenage years, are you going to be able to manage the teen years in your mid sixties? Whilst many of the other school parents will be at least a decade younger.

Your child will still be at university as you hit your 70s. I am just wondering in practice how you will manage.

I’m broody age 47

Would be my fifth pregnancy but so far haven’t conceived despite regular periods and always being mistaken for a lot younger than I am (people can never believe I have teenagers )V low odds but me my partner and our kids would love it if it happened naturally.