Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

No, Gooseberry. Nor me.

Gosh people are so judgemental and...a bit thick..... it is not too old. If you look back at our social history women were knocking kids out from their teens well into their forties. Modern history eclipses this fact but I imagine that is because if contraception and women taking charge of their reproductive health.

It is entirely possible until a time comes when it isn't possible.

Plenty of younger mums in their twenties and thirties that are knackered already and that doesn't have anything to do with age. If she feels ready....then she is.

@LondonTowers

Gosh people are so judgemental and...a bit thick..... it is not too old. If you look back at our social history women were knocking kids out from their teens well into their forties. Modern history eclipses this fact but I imagine that is because if contraception and women taking charge of their reproductive health.

It is entirely possible until a time comes when it isn't possible.

Plenty of younger mums in their twenties and thirties that are knackered already and that doesn't have anything to do with age. If she feels ready....then she is.

It is quite old let’s not pretend. That’s not meant in a horrid way but to pretend like late 40s isn’t pushing the limit is rather silly. Even if you was to get pregnant at 51 it doesn’t mean you should just because you can

Like everything a line has to be drawn similar to the amount of kids you have.... it’s ones choice but it is selfish to continue to have child after child no matter your circumstances.

Gosh people are so judgemental and...a bit thick..... it is not too old.

A perfect example there of you being judgemental and a bit thick. Yes, some people have always had babies in their late 40s and everything is fine. But the fact is, you are getting older, you are more likely to get seriously ill, at some point you are going to die. 50 is not the same as 30, no matter what you think. You are not immortal. And you can’t judge by your own parents. Even if they are fit in their 70s and 80s does not mean you will be.

Up to her. Lots of sexist comments on here.

Yes I had first at 38 second at 40 . Menopause and teenage hormones ......... horrific

@daisypond excuse me?
To champion someone is neither judgemental nor stupid. To call people out for their ageist, sexist and short sighted opinions is neither judgemental nor stupid.

Have you seen the amount of younger people walking around with comorbidities and illnesses some of which could and will die prematurely..... working in healthcare I see this every day. Just because someone is beyond the time point for optimum conception does not mean they shouldn't have a baby. This lady could be a wonderful parent. Perhaps she'll live well until her 100'..... does it matter? It's about being a good parent, age does not reduce your chances of being a good parent.

To champion someone is neither judgemental nor stupid. To call people out for their ageist, sexist and short sighted opinions is neither judgemental nor stupid.

You clearly haven't read the full thread or considered the many well reasoned posts from people who grew up with older parents. Talking about personal experience and pointing out factual information is not 'a bit thick', quite the opposite actually.

Denying the aging process and pretending 50 is the same as 30 is far more short-sighted.

[quote GooseberryJam]@etcher70 I had older parents and I couldn't have asked for better. Don't worry. Good parents who love you unconditionally are a blessing whatever their age (at the young end too). I was lucky enough to have mine around till into my mid 40s and they got to know and delight in their GDC.

It's not as if finding your parents embarrassing only happens once they're X years older than you, is it? Fairly common phenomenon at some point in life. Different to be ashamed of your parents. I never was.[/quote]
Thank you for this!

My parents had me in their mid 40s. They'd had three in their 20s and my mum was a midwife who loved babies and wanted another. I'm now 38 with a DD of my own, my parents are fighting fit and my mum in particular is a brilliant grandma. I had a lovely upbringing and can't remember a single occasion I was embarrassed about their ages. I feel lucky to be honest as financially they were much better off by the time I came along and my siblings joke about how I was spoiled rotten and got to go on some fabulous holidays.

Just to add: at 46 or 46 there is a massive probability - nearly a certainty - that you will be using donor eggs. I know you have Asked about age here - and whether you can cope as I parent and whether it’s good for the child (I think it is workable) - but I think coming to an understanding of what it means to use donor gametes and what is best for your child (using a donor the child can have contact with from early on? can possibly contact at 18? a family friend or an anonymous donor etc?) is probably more important in the long run to your childs - and therefore your -well being.

A lot of older women use donor eggs and for that
reason you could maybe post this on the donor conception talk board or maybe get iN Touch with women in a similar position to you at the donor conception network.

It's a bit old but if they are a healthy, young looking and feeling couple, it'd be fine. I had mine naturally at 42 and 44.5. I'm now 45 with a baby and a pre-schooler and it has been an absolute joy. Most people assume I'm younger (I bet half the people here who think I'm shockingly ancient from this description wouldn't blink an eyelid if they saw me out with my two- when I had my first I was being constantly asked by random people if I wanted another "in a few years") and I find plenty in common with my 'baby' friends who range from the ages of about 32 and 44. My second pregnancy in particular was really easy and I'd happily do it again at 45. I'm conscious that I will have less time with my children but wasn't in the position to have them any earlier. I think a lot of older parents compensate for that with a very hands-on, relaxed approach to their children.
I do think if the father would be in his 50s, that is too old. If he's younger than her, even better. Age is significant but you can't generalise.

@problembottom that is good to hear. Thank you.

I have read the comments with a lot of interest. After many many years of fertility issues, many losses, including a heartbreaking stillborn, I became a mum at 44. I am almost 46 and considering having a second (that would be a frozen embryo left from the last successful cycle).

I know I live probably in a parallel world, but I don't feel old. At all. I have the same energies, weight, overall health I had in my 20's. I didn't find sleepless nights that terrible, I am not finding super exhausting chasing my toddler. Yes, it's hard work (and I work full time in a corporate managerial position), but I genuinely don't think I would have struggled less when younger. If anything, I am more patient, settled down and mature.
Luckily I have good genes and I look way younger too, which is an added bonus I guess in 'fitting in' with younger mums at nursery/playgroups.
My partner is slightly older than me but fit and healthy in his late 40s. All our parents are still alive and enjoying being grandparents.
I hope to be able to keep fit and stay healthy for many years to come, and to give my son the best possible life.
Yes, there might statistically be more chances I will leave my son without his mother at a relatively younger age than others, however that is also compensated by having two parents who really wanted him, can afford the best education as they had more time to build their careers/save money, have more patience and appreciation for life etc.

There are people who it works out for, which is great. Of course some people have parents who will both live long into old age, in good health, and be around long enough to meet their grandchildren (though possibly not be able to help out with them). However it should be remembered that these are the lucky ones who beat the odds. It's still a massive gamble to take.

As a kid/teenager, I tried to ease the worry by telling myself that my parents could live to their 90s. In reality my dad got dementia in his 60s and my mother got cancer in her early 70s. They are not unusual cases.

@Carajillo

Hi,

Your friend would only be able to have a baby at that age using donor eggs/embryos. I had twins age 46 using donor embryo and am now 60 with 13 year old twins. I did this on my own as a solo mum.

I would recommend some counselling to go over the issues involved in having a child using donor conception in addition to being older. I would recommend she contacts the Donor Conception Network who have a helpline and she can talk to other older mums about their experience.

As a solo mum with twins is would have been tough anyway, but I was lucky to have my mum's help at weekends. Being financially secure and able to pay for night nanny etc would help.

What you need to think about is the future. You need to think about a guardian if something happens to you etc. I also went through menopause and had to look after my elderly mum while holding down a part time job and looking after twins. But I did it! It was the best thing I have every done and I went though so much to have my children.

They are lovely kids and I do not feel significantly 'old' at 60 now they are teenagers. They don't feel I am old! It is an attitude of mind, but you need to be prepared for really hard work!

Am happy to answer any questions. Everyone is different, but there are significant factors in being an older mum and that is mainly living a long life to see your children through adulthood....

C xx

Incorrect - my friend is 48 and has 18 month old twins. Admittedly conceived via IVF but because her husband has a genetic condition that meant, although he makes sperm, he has no vas diferens so they have to be surgically extracted and IVF used to conceive. They were conceived using her eggs and she delivered them on her 47th birthday.

@PetraRabbit

It's a bit old but if they are a healthy, young looking and feeling couple, it'd be fine. I had mine naturally at 42 and 44.5. I'm now 45 with a baby and a pre-schooler and it has been an absolute joy. Most people assume I'm younger (I bet half the people here who think I'm shockingly ancient from this description wouldn't blink an eyelid if they saw me out with my two- when I had my first I was being constantly asked by random people if I wanted another "in a few years") and I find plenty in common with my 'baby' friends who range from the ages of about 32 and 44. My second pregnancy in particular was really easy and I'd happily do it again at 45. I'm conscious that I will have less time with my children but wasn't in the position to have them any earlier. I think a lot of older parents compensate for that with a very hands-on, relaxed approach to their children. I do think if the father would be in his 50s, that is too old. If he's younger than her, even better. Age is significant but you can't generalise.

I totally related to PetraRabbit's post. But as my experience (and hers from what I gather) is different than many of other posters, I would like to understand the different perspectives. In particular of those who say they can't imagine having a child 'at their age'. Or that they can see them as grandparents already. As this thought is so distant from me, I am fascinated! In real life I only have one couple of friends who had children in their 20s and now out of uni. Everyone else in my circle of friends/colleagues has young children had them when they were 35+. This might explain perhaps why this is 'normalized' in my eyes?

Jools Oliver has just announced she has had her fifth miscarriage at the age of 46 and whilst I am sorry she has suffered another loss I am not surprised that it has happened and I do wonder why with five healthy children she is putting herself though that is the hope of another child.

Incorrect - my friend is 48 and has 18 month old twins. Admittedly conceived via IVF but because her husband has a genetic condition that meant, although he makes sperm, he has no vas diferens so they have to be surgically extracted and IVF used to conceive. They were conceived using her eggs and she delivered them on her 47th birthday.

Are you sure they were her own eggs? The success rates for over 45 year olds using their own eggs is around 1 percent.

If the OP’s friend does decide to go down this route she needs to guard against being fleeced and exploited - some of these clinics are unscrupulous.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/04/21/older-women-exploited-ivf-clinics-just-two-year-will-achieve/

I had my first child at 42 and my second at 43. I have kept fit and healthy (found being an older mum made me a bit more determined ). In all honesty I would have found a baby at 46/47 much harder - I think those few years make a difference - however although you have asked for comments it is not for me to judge what your sister is wanting to do. I had older (fabulous) parents and didn't feel to miss out on anything.

[quote SerenDippitty]Incorrect - my friend is 48 and has 18 month old twins. Admittedly conceived via IVF but because her husband has a genetic condition that meant, although he makes sperm, he has no vas diferens so they have to be surgically extracted and IVF used to conceive. They were conceived using her eggs and she delivered them on her 47th birthday.

Are you sure they were her own eggs? The success rates for over 45 year olds using their own eggs is around 1 percent.

If the OP’s friend does decide to go down this route she needs to guard against being fleeced and exploited - some of these clinics are unscrupulous.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/04/21/older-women-exploited-ivf-clinics-just-two-year-will-achieve/[/quote]
Yes I am absolutely sure they were her own eggs - as I know all about her IVF as she was kind enough to let me share her journey as I have also been through IVF as an older woman (I’m 48 and my twins are 10 months old!) and did use donor eggs because that was why was recommended for my personal situation. I went through 2 cycles of IVF and was successful second time around.

@problembottom

My parents had me in their mid 40s. They'd had three in their 20s and my mum was a midwife who loved babies and wanted another. I'm now 38 with a DD of my own, my parents are fighting fit and my mum in particular is a brilliant grandma. I had a lovely upbringing and can't remember a single occasion I was embarrassed about their ages. I feel lucky to be honest as financially they were much better off by the time I came along and my siblings joke about how I was spoiled rotten and got to go on some fabulous holidays.

Thanks to you too - lovely to hear some positive stories of growing up with 'older' parents.

I was advised by my GP that the oldest U.K. lady to have a baby without any assistance was 52.

There are some sensible viewpoints on both sides on the thread but some posters are saying it doesn't matter how old you are, as long as you love and want the baby then go ahead- but where do you draw the line then? If possible, would it be ok to have a baby at 70? And if you only got 5 years with them would you say oh yes but if you'd had a baby at 30, you could've died 5 years later, it's all down to chance, at least you had 5 good years together?

Yes I am absolutely sure they were her own eggs - as I know all about her IVF as she was kind enough to let me share her journey as I have also been through IVF as an older woman (I’m 48 and my twins are 10 months old!) and did use donor eggs because that was why was recommended for my personal situation. I went through 2 cycles of IVF and was successful second time around.

That's amazing for both of you. Congratulations.