Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

I certainly wouldn't judge. It's a very personal subject.

I don't really care if you think I'm justified in feeling the way I do Laurie. The vast majority of people in a similar position who have posted here feel the same way.

Spending your whole 20s dealing with a parent with dementia is a lot more than 'not ideal'. Losing both parents by 26 (like a PP) is a lot more than 'not ideal', especially when you have no siblings or cousins of a similar age. It's incredibly traumatic and isolating to be left with no family at such a young age. Be thankful that you can't even begin to imagine it.

Age is one area where you are almost guaranteeing that your child will suffer consequences if you leave it too late. It's something that is fixed and can't be reversed, unlike most 'not ideal' circumstances.

Spending your whole 20s dealing with a parent with dementia is a lot more than 'not ideal'. Losing both parents by 26 (like a PP) is a lot more than 'not ideal'

Shit things happen to lots of people for lots of reasons.

Unless you’re saying that those with chronic health conditions or disabilities shouldn’t have children, then I don’t think you’ve any right to single out older parents.

Older parents who are well off, healthy and have good extended family connections are in a lot better position than many if you ask me.

I just don’t understand this idea that parents owe their children some kind of ‘ideal’ experience. Why?

I don't get the sense, reading this thread, that people are saying that parents owe their children an 'ideal' experience, but that they want people whose circumstances increase the risk of any children they have suffering hardship to consider those risks at least as much as their own desire to have children.

I don't have any position on this really- I don't think being older or disabled or in poverty or with a severe and enduring mental illness or any of the myriad factors that can make it a lot harder to bring up children should mean people are not allowed to have children. And I'm a supporter of a big state and would like to see far more financial and practical support available so that the children of people in these situations are not so disadvantaged. But I don't think it's fair to dismiss people saying "my parents were in x situation when the had me and it has made my life much, much harder so please think before you do the same".

Shit things happen to lots of people for lots of reasons.

Well yes of course- but that doesn't mean we don't take steps to avoid as many shit things as possible. I could die getting hit by a bus on my way home tonight but I still wear a seatbelt in a car to minimise that risk of death.

But I don't think it's fair to dismiss people saying "my parents were in x situation when the had me and it has made my life much, much harder so please think before you do the same"

But my point is that many have a version of that story. To varying degrees. Poverty, lack of education, disability, mental health issues, chronic health conditions, isolation - all make children’s lives harder. When we’ve factored all that in, the pool shrinks considerably.

I believe that all people who want to become parents should think about their circumstances and the kind of life they can offer the child. If they are not capable of parenting the child or are unlikely to be around for them for the foreseeable future, they shouldn't have them. Sometimes that's the kindest parenting decision a person can make.

Shit things happen to lots of people for lots of reasons.

Yeah, but where age is concerned these things are highly predictable. It's not just random chance.

I don't get the sense, reading this thread, that people are saying that parents owe their children an 'ideal' experience, but that they want people whose circumstances increase the risk of any children they have suffering hardship to consider those risks at least as much as their own desire to have children.

This. It's not all about the parents and their wants.

Yeah, but where age is concerned these things are highly predictable.

There’s a huge amount of variation with age based on health, fitness, luck, ability to pay for care.

Certain chronic health conditions and disabilities are much more predictable in terms of the impact they’ll have on children.

Poverty, lack of education, disability, mental health issues, chronic health conditions, isolation - all make children’s lives harder.

Many of these circumstances can improve, even the health issues can often be managed. You can't stop ageing though.

but that they want people whose circumstances increase the risk of any children they have suffering hardship to consider those risks at least as much as their own desire to have children.

But only if it’s age. I’ve yet to see similar arguments being made for people with other risk factors.

Many of these circumstances can improve, even the health issues can often be managed.

Plenty of disabilities and health conditions can’t be.

And as I’ve said, aging can play out very differently.

@LaurieMarlow

But I don't think it's fair to dismiss people saying "my parents were in x situation when the had me and it has made my life much, much harder so please think before you do the same"

But my point is that many have a version of that story. To varying degrees. Poverty, lack of education, disability, mental health issues, chronic health conditions, isolation - all make children’s lives harder. When we’ve factored all that in, the pool shrinks considerably.

I know, that's why I mentioned a variety of possible factors other than age myself. They all need to be considered. I meant it when I said I don't have any position on this really- there's no simple answer. Someone could be prime for parenting on paper in terms of age, health, relationship status, income, blah blah blah and still end up being a terrible parent or even a non terrible parent whose child still isn't happy and thriving. Someone else could be in what looks like a really dicey situation to have children and everything turn out brilliantly. It's impossible to predict the future.

But it is important, when asking whether it's a good idea to have a baby later in life, to listen to the lived experiences of children of older parents, surely? And not to think that their reporting their lives were negatively impacted by having older parents is unreasonable?

I'm probably thinking too much about this as I had a "I should never have brought children into this shit" moment this weekend and can't really get past that at the moment- I'm not trying to be an overly argumentative twat but if I am, sorry.

Oh, you could argue that it's irresponsible to have children if you have any sort of inherited illness or disability; if you are too young; if you are too old; if you are single; if you are in a terrible relationship ("and you had children with this man why?"), if you are too poor, if you're going to go straight back to full time work ("children need their mothers!"), if you're going to ditch your full time job to be a SAHM ("how will your child learn that women can achieve in the workplace?") or if you already have a child (emissions!). It's amazing that anyone procreates at all, really. I think your friend should go for it, as long as she's realistic about the chances of conceiving and carrying a baby to term.

But it is important, when asking whether it's a good idea to have a baby later in life, to listen to the lived experiences of children of older parents, surely? And not to think that their reporting their lives were negatively impacted by having older parents is unreasonable?

Thanks Iwalkinmyclothing. I get that our experiences make some people uncomfortable, but they should be heard as they reflect the reality of the situation (not for all of us, but certainly for many). I think rather than try to rationalise away the points we raise, older parents should consider how they can minimise the risks in so far as possible, and have good contingency plans in place.

Well if we're talking biological children, it's probably not going to happen at that age really, is it? Yes there's the rare natural conception at an advanced maternal age, and there's IVF, donor eggs and surrogates, but that can take years and years to succeed or not succeed at all with younger patients.

I would be concerned for a friend or family member trying this due to the mental toll of it.

As an 'older' parent myself I'm finding this thread immensely depressing - does it mean that I'm doomed to be forever embarrassing to my kids because of my age?

It would be good to hear some stories (if any) of people who had older parents and weren't horribly ashamed of them.

Also for the people who were embarrassed about their parents - was it things they did / opinions they held - or was it just the fact that they looked / acted older?

I'm bracing myself for the answers as the overwhelming opinion seems to be that whatever you do as an older parent you can't get it right....

It would be good to hear some stories (if any) of people who had older parents and weren't horribly ashamed of them.

I doubt anyone was horribly ashamed of their parents, I wasn't. But the 'grandparents' comments can hurt, and for me it wasn't so much about embarassment, it was the fact that I became painfully aware of how much older they were and I worried a lot about them getting ill or dying. I would never have said this to them, as I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

If you'd asked me at 16 how I felt about having older parents, I would have said I worried about them a bit but overall it was fine. Unfortunately my dad, who I was very close to, started showing the symptoms of dementia not long after that. He wasn't really present for much of my adult life at all, which was incredibly sad.

I'm sure most of the children of older parents love them very much, which is why it's so hard seeing them decline. We're not saying they're terrible people, at all, but we recognise the impact of their decisions on our lives.

Some people do manage to stay healthy and it can work out well, but just be conscious of the challenges and do everything you can to plan for the future and to mitigate the risks.

“It would be good to hear some stories (if any) of people who had older parents and weren't horribly ashamed of them.”

My DH’s parents were older. They both died of different diseases when he was in his mid-teens, so he didn’t have much of a chance to get horribly teen-embarrassed. They had been very fit and healthy before that.

@Magictreegossip how interesting you find she's too old to parent a biological child but is ok to parent an adoptive one. Is an adoptive child somehow less in your eyes?

It’s just fantastic loosing a parent in your early 20’s (not) but I’m guessing it’s worse dealing with their dementia, elderly care etc. Baby at 47 probably fine lots of bouncing healthy 47 year olds but 60’s with a teen is grim , 67/68 at the graduation? 77 at the wedding, involvement in the grandchildren? More likely not.
I lost a healthy slim, active fit young seemingly parent at 60 (cancer) I was 23 and it destroyed me. Yes it can happen at any age but you do increase the chances if you start late.
Also let’s be honest a natural pregnancy at 47 is unlikely ( also high risk) so ivf and guess what ivf increases the chances of? Yes female cancers. So no I’m so sorry but it is too late, nature has age limits and the reasons are obvious.

I had my only child at 43. I didn't want a child until I conceived, and always expected to remain childless. But one day I woke up, grabbed DH and DTD, and it worked. DC will be 21 next week, and I am grateful for that impulse everyday. Because DC and I are very similar temperamentally, and both quite volatile, we fall out regularly, but we value each other deeply and have a lot in common. DC understands that we are unlikely to be around as grandparents if DC waits as long as we did to procreate. In fact, DH had a major health crisis, very nearly a fatal event, when DC was 7, and survived. Interestingly, DC believes we are more chilled than many of his friends' parents because we simply can't control a young person. But I am (genetically) likely to make old bones because both my parents are still here and in reasonable fettle at 85 and 87.

DC is not ashamed of us, and I don't feel has ever been so. We like DC's friends, and friend's parents that we meet, and the decade of age difference seems not to matter as long as we all remain mobile and compos mentis. If that changes, everything does.

At least, I dont believe DC thinks we're embarrassing. I could be wrong.

God, way too old.
I can’t imagine having a primary age child, or even a teen at my age (54) , taking care of my almost one year old Grandson is exhausting enough!

My DSis seems to be managing work and DGS after child minder hours on top of a retail job, aged 61, without a lot of problems, plus a dog and our DM, who is happily still perfectly competent person but a bit deaf. Grandpa chips in to help a lot, and does all the cooking, which he loves.

@etcher70 I had older parents and I couldn't have asked for better. Don't worry. Good parents who love you unconditionally are a blessing whatever their age (at the young end too). I was lucky enough to have mine around till into my mid 40s and they got to know and delight in their GDC.

It's not as if finding your parents embarrassing only happens once they're X years older than you, is it? Fairly common phenomenon at some point in life. Different to be ashamed of your parents. I never was.