Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll
Every time a poster comes on here and gives anything less than a glowing review of having older parents, you pick apart and challenge everything they say. Would it be so hard to respect people's experiences and their right to talk about them? You clearly have a different view which is fine, but please don't invalidate the people who have taken the time to post about their own childhood and young adulthood.

I'm genuinely sorry if it comes across that way. I intend no ad hominem attacks whatsoever. I certainly do not wish to invalidate anybody's own experiences, but I am trying to swim against the tide and present an opposing view to that of the vast majority of people on here who are just saying "Nope, terribly selfish" and, in so doing, are doing precisely that: ignoring/denying the fact that everybody's experience and circumstances are different, be that from the pov of the parent or the child.

Genuine apologies if I have failed to do that.

FWIW, I have no horse in this race as I neither was an 'older' parent nor was I born to 'older' parents. I was still very young when I lost them, but nobody could possibly have known what their future health could have had in store for them. Of course, I would have loved to have had them in my life for far longer, but as that was never a possible option, I'm glad to have been born and had them in my life for the time that I did.

Entirely their decision. I had my kids young and watching my daughter, who was 12 years older than I was when we had our first, I’m glad I did.

On my fathers side, I'm in a long line of older parents and I am one myself being 40 when I had my first and only. I'm 44 and my grandmother was born in 1890. I have 2 aunts and an uncle who died during the Spanish flu season (confirmed the dates but not the cause of deaths). It makes me feel more connected to the past as I have so few generations to stretch back to Victorian times.
I was fairly embarrassed about his age growing up but isn't everyone embarrassed about their parents. I remember distinctly somebody commenting on it and my father was so hurt when we told him as we hadn't realised up to that point. But I wouldn't wish for different parents. I loved them and felt very loved in return and think I've turned out fairly well adjusted.

@gypsywater if you do a by of research then you'll see that there is a statistical link sadly.

So much judgement on here. Seems like some posters would rule out anyone becoming a mother over 35, or a father 50+. Also that you can’t have kids if no grandparents to help out, or siblings. And definitely not unless you are really fit and healthy. Honestly, if we all took off the label of age it would be interesting. It is also interesting how many people say “too old” but in the next breath say they are glad the grandparents are around as they do alot of the child care. I see lots if grandparents at the school gates. So older is fine to look after the kids, just not to give birth to them? Do the younger parents who say they’d be too tired when older, use grandparents at all? Or all childcare done by you? I’m older, work part-time and have very little help with childcare. I also run 20-30 miles a week, have lots of quality time to spend with my child and am very active. We are really only talking 10 years between an “acceptable” age - 37 and a not acceptable age - 47. So if the 47 year old is fit and healthy they might live to 80 or 90. Same for the 37 year old. No one knows the future!
Any age is perfect to have a child, as long as there is plenty of love.

@dreamboatquickfuck
Would you be able to link some research on this? I was under the impression there was no proven link (ivf not icsi). Ivf results in a higher incidence of multiples and older mothers are more likely to access, which may explain any proposed correlation?
46/47 is older but i suppose none of us live ‘perfect’ lives. I’d say it’s more important that the child has a strong support network close by. And a stable loving family. It wouldn’t be for me, but easy for me to say because I already have children.

Honestly, if we all took off the label of age it would be interesting.
It would actually be a completely different thread 😂
The question was literally "is 47 too old?" Which might explain why people are focusing on age...

@Freewanderer, twins are more common in older females across species. Older hens lay less often but larger eggs and more double yolkers, older mammals have larger litters.
Phot is screenshot from NHS website - older mothers release more than one egg when ovulating.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Congrats on taking one line out of context and missing the whole point. Literally.

@WendyHoused
It it interesting, thank you.
Apologies if I wasn’t clear. I was questioning the link between ivf and the risk of having a child with learning difficulties/other developmental problems.
Clearly this risk does increase with age though.

Surely it is down to the individual. I have a family member who had her first at 47/48 to the shock of most people. She is incredibly happy and is now planning her second at 50. BUT, there are questions to be asked. How young do you feel? How is your health? How is the support network? All of these things should probably be considered, because if you have poor mental/physical health you will end up struggling.

Omg - I’m only 41 and the thought of being pregnant gives me the fear! I have had 4 though, it’s not just the pregnancy she has to think of - it’s how old she will be when the child is a teen etc, will she ever be able to be a grandparent? Although being a parent first is obviously her first choice, it’s her decision.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Thanks for your reply. I understand that simplistic and/or unpleasant posts like 'too old', 'selfish', etc, are unfair and can get people's backs up. However, it is frustrating when people who grew up with older parents give their views in an articulate and respectful way, and are either ignored or told they'd have been fine if they had a more positive attitude. Or told they're being mean and judgmental when that's not the case at all.

These kinds of threads do tend to follow a pattern. The people who are older parents mostly say it's fine, and the people who had older parents mostly advise against it. There are exceptions, like an older parent who has developed heath problems while the child is still young and advises caution, or the child whose parents lived healthily into old age and had no problems. But generally the pattern holds.

I don't believe that everyone who decides who become a parent at an older age is selfish, but they must be aware of the pros and cons. If someone decides to go ahead, they should do everything possible to minimise the risks, and to plan for the worst case scenario. It's so important to have a good support network so that the child doesn't feel isolated, and to make sure that proper financial and practical contingency plans are put in place. It's also important to try to bridge the generation gap, be patient, and engage in fun activities (if not physical ones, look for good alternatives). Even then it's still a gamble, and unfortunately if the worst does happen the child will suffer the consequences.

Wow. Some very adamant views here. I had my only child at 46. Before that I had an ectopic pregnancy and 7 miscarriages including one at 21 weeks. I had given up. Didn’t want to go through any more trauma. Surprisingly got pregnant again.
My child is 11 now. Healthy , happy, independent and confident. Still loves doing things with his mum and not yet embarrassed by me. No doubt that will change when he goes to secondary school, as it generally does during the teenage years. As for the poster who thinks the school run would be too exhausting for someone in their late 50s, words fail me. My son and I go on walking holidays where we walk about 10 miles a day.
Age is relevant but personally I think the real question is whether you can reasonably expect to see your child through to adulthood. It is more than likely that I will still be around when my son is 20, quite likely when he is 30, and possible when he is 40.
To those who say 46 is too old, would you, for example, put a lower age limit on someone who had a medical condition which lowered their life expectancy.? So , for example, if you are diabetic you shouldn’t have a child after say, 36? Age is one factor in your ability to give your child a good life. There are many others. I am financially secure and independent and have been able to be a SAHM . After 23 years of a high pressure job, this suited me. I have also had the benefit of watching the children of my friends grow up and have learned a great deal. My son is happy. So am I.

Ps. My son has a huge and fantastic support network including 2 adult step brothers, many aunts, uncles and cousins and wonderful godparents.

Good for you, Mendora. The oft-repeated and imperious 'Far too old' bs on here has really boiled my piss.

Sorry, not read full thread. I started ttc at 33. It took nearly 3yrs and no explanation before DC1, DC2 followed 2yrs after and we are contemplating DC3, before I hit 40. Purely from 2mc and the length it took to conceive with DC1, I have told DH that I'm not prepared to continue ttc after 40.
For me, the risk to my and unborn DC's health, far outweigh my desire for a baby.
Obviously we are basic income normal people. I think if you have access to premium healthcare, perhaps it makes some difference. I personally wouldn't. Also DC1 was a great pregnancy and traumatic labour. DC2 was horrendous pregnancy and amazing labour! Lord knows what will happen for DC3 and increased chance of birth defects and multiples...

I’d say it’s nobody else’s business but hers 🤷‍♀️

@KittyHawke80

Good for you, Mendora. The oft-repeated and imperious 'Far too old' bs on here has really boiled my piss.

So has the lofty dismissal of the personal experiences of those of us with older parents.

The thing about health is that you may be fit and healthy one minute but not the next. I know several people who got cancer diagnoses, had heart attacks and/or died, in their 40s and 50s. All of these people were fit and healthy - and then they suddenly weren’t. Also, your late 40s or early 50s is the time redundancies happen, you are managed out of your job, your elderly parents need care, etc.

I'm 48 and have a 14 and 16 year old. I have zero energy and the menopause is nearing. I felt I had so much more time, energy and patience years ago. So for me its too old for her bodily but also for the child to have a functioning parent with energy and time.

Yeah; my own parents were well into their forties, actually. No problems at all. And at least those who have had or been older mums, and had an ok experience, have explained themselves. Every fourth post is the arrogantly dismissive 'Far too old' 'Way (🤢) too old'. Might as well have put 'Off with her head'.

I wouldnt worry so much about a woman or man having a baby later in life. I would worry about the child as they get older. They are more likely to end up as carers for their parents and the higher possibility of being young still and facing the loss of said parents. Sometimes I think we are so focussed on what we want that we don’t always consider the long term consequences. It’s great making the decision for yourself but what about the children?

No
Go for it

@KittyHawke80 You're lucky it worked out well for you, but that doesn't appear to be the experience for the majority. Many, many people with older parents have explained their view here in a respectful way, based on their own personal experience. But their voices are being filtered out and people are rounding on the "just too old" type comments.