Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

*fine with possibly having (that should say...)

It's entirely up to her. If she is fit and healthy and age is only factor then I don't see why not, my mam had 7 kids and last two were at 48-50 she never had any complications and we never suffered. If she is prepared for the risks it's her decision

@Rufus27

Threads like this really touch a nerve. Some of us don’t have a choice when we become a parent. I‘m 48 with a two and three year old.

While I may not have planned to be an older mum, being older does mean our children benefit from one of us being able to afford to be a sahp, we have a more child friendly house and garden than we could have afforded in our 30s or 40s and as parents, we are much more chilled than we would have been previously.

I’m not the oldest mum at the school gate and I’d say a third of local mums had a baby in their 40s, so we are not such a rare breed either.

Some of these posts are ageist and verging on hurtful.

100% this.

Had to stop reading because the responses are seriously pissing me off

"Talk us through what being a friend means to you."

I think what is being said here is what friend would start this kind of debate about their friend on a public forum, which she may very well read.

I was nearly forty when I had my daughter and we have a wonderful relationship (yes she'd say that too). I have friends who have a daughter (not their first child) when mum was 45 and dad was 60 - she is a wonderful, well-adjusted, happy, gifted young woman. Each to their own.

why on earth would it be fairer on a child who is adopted??

I think 40 is fine to have a kid - it’s when you’re nearing 50 you need to make more plans. My parents were 40 (but then unlucky with bad health) and 51 when I was born. One of my friends - her dad was 73 when she was born she never even knew him, very sad. Nice for him I guess.

I don’t count early 40s as too old necessarily, my cut off would be beyond that.

Italiangreyhound no offence but if your parents were in their 30s then neither was an older parent!

I will say... older parents are more common now. Firstly there seems to be a generational shift, as “older” people now don’t act half as old as people their age used to! Secondly as it’s more common there will be more shared experiences and support for the parents and kids. The most important thing is to discuss it openly like this and avoid the pitfalls, same as all families but with added twists.

Anyone can be a good parent but don’t be too proud to self-assess so you STAY a good parent. The parent you start out at won’t necessarily be the one you are in 10 years time, just be thoughtful of how age might affect your parenting

It's ridiculous to say that's ageist, it's just the way it is.

It’s not ageist to say the likelihood of disability is greater.

What is ageist is berating older parents for being ‘selfish’ because they’re more likely to need care from their children/more likely to die young - when you wouldn’t say the same to parents who have health issues or disabilities.

Without knowing the woman in question, I don't think any of us can judge - even if we knew the woman in question, I think judging her decision would be pretty rude. Think it's entirely up to her - she knows what she is capable of. Re the increased chance of having a child with a disability; from experience, that really isnt the catastrophe that some might think it is, although i guess the worries for them 'after you'd gone' would be intensified.

37?! That's not even old!

@LaurieMarlow

It's ridiculous to say that's ageist, it's just the way it is.

It’s not ageist to say the likelihood of disability is greater.

What is ageist is berating older parents for being ‘selfish’ because they’re more likely to need care from their children/more likely to die young - when you wouldn’t say the same to parents who have health issues or disabilities.

I'm not berating anyone for that. In that case, I misunderstood what you were calling ageist, apologies.

Think it depends a lot on the person. Two of my friends got caught during the menopause, 1 was 50, the other 46 , both had their children. Both really happy say better when older than when had their other children while they were younger. But both are fit and healthy. more patience better financially ect
So i dont think theres a definitive answer.

I've had friends with grand parents age, and they've hated it.

Even if they conceived now, by the time their 10, the parent would be 56.

If they're really wanting their first child, foster or adopt.

There's THOUSANDS of younger kids who.arenin homes because no one wants to foster them or adopt them. Everyone wants babies.

As someone who went through the care system, I know life is shit in care. What we all wanted was a family who'd love us, and look after us.

So long as they've got.no.seriois criminal record, a good credit score, and at least one spare bedroom, then they're suitable to.foster. long term foster parents are hard to find.

My ex was born when his mum was 49. She lived into her 80s and was independent until the end. Not always the case though. Each to their own

I think it’s old.
There was a huge difference in the parenting I did in my 20s and when I was 40.
However, not for us to judge. Babies arrive into all kinds of less than ideal circumstances.

People used to live to late 60s, and they have kids up to early 40s, because that's how nature worked. I can't see a problem with extending the reproductive age by ~5 years.

It's not for everyone I'm sure, but if it's a choice between having them late or not having them at all, then I think it would be wrong to judge someone harshly for that.

Surprised so many negative responses. I'm that age now and my kids are teens. But if people are going to working till a retirement age of 67, then having children at the age of 47 is feasible.

I had twins with ivf aged 40. I work full time and am single. I am energetic and have managed fine. I have a well paid job that is extremely flexible The only issue for me and my wellbeing has been lockdown and having no help while trying to work with two kids at home. As long as she thinks through the what ifs, what could go wrong and has prepared for all scenarios then i wish her all the best. But she shouldn't walk into motherhood at that age thinking it's a bed of roses. Things can and do go wrong and circumstances change.

Each to their own I am 40 this year and I wouldn't but I have two teenagers and miscarried in 2014. I didnt want anymore but you do hear about women having first babies late on in life.

This thread resonates at the moment. A family member is planning to undergo treatment and will be nearly 50 if all goes to plan. Has been with partner since early 40s. Says she will kick herself if she never tries. I can't understand how this has never come up before. She says she never really looked into it/thought she was too old/ thought people would judge. Doesn't get involved with any children in the family, has no friends with children, GP on one side no longer here and on other side will be close to 80. I understand the longing for a child but do not understand only trying now and personally think it is maybe too late

This thread resonates at the moment. A family member is planning to undergo treatment and will be nearly 50 if all goes to plan. Has been with partner since early 40s. Says she will kick herself if she never tries. I can't understand how this has never come up before. She says she never really looked into it/thought she was too old/ thought people would judge. Doesn't get involved with any children in the family, has no friends with children, GP on one side no longer here and on other side will be close to 80. I understand the longing for a child but do not understand only trying now and personally think it is maybe too late

The practical issues of having to be a carer for a loved one could happen at any age

Oh come on, you know that statistically it is a helluva lot more likely in old age. "But a young parent could die too" is hardly a good argument, if any of us could die at any minute then we should never have kids. In old age these health issues go from rare to very likely.

@wildone84 my youngest son has autism and is my world. I was 28 when I had him. Since then I found out his father was on the spectrum and I am pretty sure I am too, also my dad and brothers. I don’t think it’s the age of the parent that contributes to autism, rather that someone who has it themselves might be inclined to have children later in life. Anecdotally I have realised that autism is inherited. I don’t know anyone who has it without it being in the family, even if those people don’t realise they have it ... yet.

For a first I would say no as I'd feel that if someone really wants a child it would be sad for them not to. They could adopt though. I do find it odd to have a child at that age if they already have one or more as there are so many risks involved.

I had my children “late,” my first was ivf at 39 and my second came along at 41, if I found out I was pregnant now I’d probably be horrified but then if I hadn’t had the previous 7 years of looking after children I’d probably take it in my stride. I can’t speak for children embarrassed by older parents though and I hope my boys will not feel that way But it’s something to consider....

This is very subjective and depends on a number of factors... I personally think a good 45+ year old mum is much better than a crappy one in her 20s or 30s. I think also it’s generally true that you are a better parent the older you are, you simply have more life experience and maturity. The downside is you are more likely to be tired and have fewer ‘quality’ years with your child/ren.

If your friend is ready to be a parent and deal with all the challenges it brings, believes she will be a good mum and will do her best to provide a happy and stable life for her child, then I wish her all the best...

Just another factor for her to potentially consider is what support network her child will have - is it just her (and her partner?) or are there close friends and family who will be there for the child (even when they reach young adulthood) if anything were to happen to her. I think this is something that all people should consider tbh - no one can predict the future (sorry, sounds a bit pessimistic - I recently put my will together and was forced to consider these things!)