Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

People wouldn’t say all this if it was someone with significant health issues or a disability. Ageism is rife though.

How badly can you want children if you've made it to 47 without taking the plunge?!

I didn’t like having an old dad when I grew up so I definitely wouldn’t have a child at that age.
Also I likely wouldn’t be able to have one at that age as will probably be menopausal (based on my DM).

Someone who is always willing to listen and always able to be there for you in good times and in bad! That’s really important to me and also someone who has your back 100% of the time, I think that’s as important for both friends in both ways 🤗

If you are confident about your health and have the confidence within yourself to deal with being an older parent in the face of younger parents. Have the ability to call for support from the grandparents to be (if they are not too old) or the financial resources to buy in help. Then I don’t see a problem

I think the OP's friend is frightened of recognising that she is playing in injury time and flirts with the idea of still being able to have children (technically) so delaying the evitable acceptance of late middle aged life - that is not the commitment necessary to take on children at that age

Exactly if you haven’t had children before the age of 40 then you obviously weren’t with the right person to have your family and then it shouldn’t be the reason to start at 45/47! It’s too late!!

@LaurieMarlow

People wouldn’t say all this if it was someone with significant health issues or a disability. Ageism is rife though.

It's not ageism, it's fricking biology. 1 in 10 mothers after the age of 45 conceive a downs syndrome baby. It is picked up on the scan and the pregnancy terminated. Pretty much everyone knows that it's not ideal to have babies when you're in your late forties.

On threads like this I always think I'd rather have an older parent than to have never existed at all.

It's her decision, really. If it's her own eggs, I'd be a bit worried about the risk of genetic disorders, which is high at that age. If it's donor eggs, and you're just worried about the child having older parents; well, the life expectancy for women nowadays is over 80, so it's not as if the mother would be likely to be at death's door when the child is still small.

ALTIARA - I didn’t like having an old dad when I grew up so I definitely wouldn’t have a child at that age

I felt the same at the time but now in hindsight and having children myself I can see it also had its advantages - the worse bit for me is not being able to say to my dad you were good to me

People wouldn’t say all this if it was someone with significant health issues or a disability.

Not true. If it was something that would severely impact on the child's quality of life, and force them to become a carer at a young age, I'd feel the same.

1 in 10 mothers after the age of 45 conceive a downs syndrome baby. It is picked up on the scan and the pregnancy terminated.

So? That’s not what’s being debated here. It’s the impact on NT children who had older parents.

No one would suggest that a parent with health issues or disabilities shouldn’t procreate because they may require extra care from their children or are likely to die younger.

Age does not guarantee fitness, wisdom, patience and putting the child first. If she wants to do it and has the right qualities who are we to argue? I've seen dreadful parents of all ages both teens, young and older. So being young doesn't guarantee being a good parent

No problem - if she can why not?

With an increase in longevity ,which has advanced by some 10 years for women in the last three decades, it may be that the idea of having a child in your forties is not so surprising as some people think.

@LaurieMarlow I'm beginning to think a lot of people may actually hold such a view...

the life expectancy for women nowadays is over 80, so it's not as if the mother would be likely to be at death's door when the child is still small.

You know it's an average right? It doesn't mean that every woman in the country can reasonably expect to reach that age.

Also, it has been pointed out umpteen times that health declines well before that point. Many people develop health problems in their 60s, at which point the child would still be a teenager. It's too much to expect them to deal with.

@LaurieMarlow

1 in 10 mothers after the age of 45 conceive a downs syndrome baby. It is picked up on the scan and the pregnancy terminated.

So? That’s not what’s being debated here. It’s the impact on NT children who had older parents.

No one would suggest that a parent with health issues or disabilities shouldn’t procreate because they may require extra care from their children or are likely to die younger.

Um I'm bringing it up here because you called it ageist to say that women shouldn't have children right up to menopause, which it isn't. It is, quite clearly, a biological limitation women have, because they're much more likely to give birth to a disabled children, than a woman in her 20s or 30s. In that case you must think mother nature is ageist.

Notmyrealname855 "thank you for enlightening me and writing off my experience and every experience of my friends who have older parents. We’ve never met kids of older parents who’ve had different experiences but lucky them."

I'm not writing off your experiences. They are your experiences which you have had.

I'm just not sure what you expect people who are older parents to say in response to your personal experiences. except to speak about their own personal; experiences. Which don't negate yours.

I am an older parent. I'm sorry your experiences were bad. My parents were not exactly old, in their 30s when they had me and my sister, but not exactly young either, at the time.

You are entitled to share your views and I'm entitled to share mine. I am an older parent and I think I am doing fine. We can both share our own opinions of our own experiences.

I'm not sure if my post may have confused you. "But you only get that one shot at life..." meant you as the child not someone as your parent.

"So you can justify your choice. Fine, but don’t deny us our whole lives. Incredibly patronising."

I am not justifying what I have done, I certainly do not need to justify it to anyone at all. I am not denying you your experiences. Anyway, it's pointless arguing, you've had your experiences and I am sorry they were bad.

*to a disabled child

It is, quite clearly, a biological limitation women have

Which doesn’t actually apply to women who conceive NT children at this age.

On what grounds do you decide they shouldn’t have children?

We’re just starting a family at 38 (me)/39 (him). We hope to have say two kids so hope to be done by early 40s, 45 latest. A lot of friends my age are starting at this age because circumstances didn’t allow it any sooner. I find people having kids in their 20s a but weird because they are still kids themselves at that age and haven’t really lived or learnt about themselves yet. But I am glad we are all different. If it is biologically possible, and no kids are going to be orphaned young then I don’t see the issue. There is a lot of ageism happening here.

Who are we to judge! How easy to say too old and how thoroughly spiteful to accuse this woman of being selfish!!! Not everyone is in the position to have children at a younger age. I don’t know why I bother reading such posts tbh as the level of nastiness from some is horrific!!
Having children is exhausting but one of the best mums I know had her child at 48!! Lucky she went with her heart and I’m sure the child is grateful for that too!! Both my parents are older parents and yes, I do care for them now (while also looking after my 4 year old) but thank goodness they didn’t factor that into the equation 45 years ago otherwise I wouldn’t be here now!

It’s not too old, I had my sixth baby when I was 43 and my first baby at 19. I had two babies in my 20s and two in my 30s. I have definitely chilled out as I have got older and my eldest son often looks at his youngest brother and says are you just going to let him do that? It’s all good, you just need plenty of patience and energy.

I don't decide for other women. They do.

But it's not a risk I would take personally because it's a hard road. I know 3 women with disabled/autistic children conceived in their 40s. It's not anecdote, it's well documented that you're more likely to conceive a disabled child in your 40s (as opposed to your 20s) and once the father gets into his 40s the risk of having a child with schizophrenia and autism increases, too.

I wouldn't do it myself and I wouldn't procreate with any man past his early 40s. It's ridiculous to say that's ageist, it's just the way it is. If you're fine with having a disabled child then go ahead.