Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

i mean that they have been given gift of life by an older parent when perhaps the parent could have aborted.

yes obviously if they weren't born they wouldn't have existed to have an opinion.

Like i say not ideal but nit the worst scenario in my opinion

@Notmyrealname855

Sorry I am whittling - it is very possible to be a good older parent, but it’s not the usual experience.

My top tips are (to be more positive)....

try not to make comments about how tired you are in front of the kids. It makes them feel guilty - they start bending more to your needs and becoming subservient to you (more kid- teacher relationship and more formal than kid- parent). That was the starting change for a lot of us.

Try and maintain interest in their hobbies and interests. Try not to make new fads they like seem different or taboo, don’t harp on about what life was like in your day - otherwise they never get to just live and be their own person. If you can’t do certain days out with your kids for health reasons, think of cool alternatives.

Don’t write off the younger generations as being only this or that (snowflakes...!). We all do this as we get older :)

The biggest..... Please financially plan as much as possible so the kids know they won’t be burdened at difficult periods in their life. Eg using house deposit instead on parent care (cough cough!).

It’s all the same sort of stuff “normal” parents should do, but older parents (in our experience) were a hundred times more prone to switching off completely. There are lots of other things, and these seem basic, but were all lacking in our experiences.

FYI we literally have a support group for people with older parents, now mostly on the logistics of financing their care and making awfully difficult decisions on healthcare etc when putting off kids/ trying to raise own kids. It’s a mess tbh.

Younger parents especially need to plan for their care as it can blight generations of their families due to their kids being too old to do much for them.

It really depends on her and her personality, energy levels and support network. Some 47 year olds run rings round people in their 20s in terms of energy and enthusiasm.

*It seems that a lot of people answering above already have their children and 'wouldn't go through itagainat that age'.

Well that's fine, but if you didn't already have them, and you badly wanted them, would your answer be different? This is the situation the OPs friend is in.*

Exactly

Best friend had twins at 48. She had a terrible birth & now has a heart condition. Not debilitating enough that it stops her working & caring for her DCs but it's there nevertheless. They're 9 now so I guess her life is easier, also her DP is very hands-on. But she works, and is always knackered. I wouldn't do it unless I didn't have to go out to work. & If a woman hasn't had children and still wants to have a try, if she has enough support around her then why not

My mum was 44 and my dad 48 when I was born. My dad died of a heart attack when I was 4. My mum was going through the menopause as I was going through puberty, we spent most of the 1980s screaming at each other.

All my grandparents were dead before I reached my teens. My mum died when I was 46.

There's no way I would have had a kid that late.

So your friend is currently 45? I think if she tries to conceive right now its fine but borderline, 47 would be too old imo. its harder to conceive in your mid forties so it may not even be possible without ivf, i would say if it happens naturally great but it if it doesn't let it go.
Ultimately its her choice, not yours.
In my early twenties i had a close friend whose parents were in their 70s tbh it was a lot of responsibility for her, she was pretty much their carer and they didnt live long enough to meet her children, however of course she is glad to be here!
Does annoy me a bit though that men very rarely get criticised for having a baby over the age of 45. A male colleague has just become a father (to twins) for the first time aged 46, a few have thought rather him than me but most people outwardly at least seems to think its brilliant, i wonder if the reaction would be same if it was a woman!

@Sakura7 I am guessing you haven't read the posts by the person I quoted - she basically said all children of older parents are so burdened by them older people just should not have babies full stop, she can think of 3000 reasons why, and it must be true as she met 6 or 7 people at uni who all thought the same thing, and all older parents will just lose interest in their children and be a burden to them. In that context I don't think what I said was minimising or patronising - though it was a bit strong - thoug so was what she said.

On the other hand, if you think that people who are who is happy and positive are just full of pollyanna bullshit I would say that is a bit minimising and patronising of you.

@Notmyrealname855 I apologise if what I said came across as minimising or patronising. I would be really grateful to know though, if you have such negative feelings towards your parents, why are you caring for them?

user 13444556 why?

what has that got to do with the question?

anyway a woman can have a child for as long as she has her cycle.. the rest is up to her.... first baby at 48? fantastic... she is wiser... more capable.... - how is having a child selfish??!!! such idiotic views..

Hi - re siblings question.... weird sibling dynamics and bio relationships so not an only child but big age gap and they went MIA when I was growing up and when we were struggling with care. Suppose like young families, any siblings are no guarantee of a good support system.

Sorry I sounded so down about it. My parents were very minimising about me generally, I ended up totally fitting to them (their abilities, opinions etc). I was a kid in a VERY old household and they were not compromising about having me. They had young parents so I was also caught up in being a young carer to one DGP as a kid, then after a few years of being a teen (a very nice teen!) with cantankerous grumpy parents I was soon a carer for one of them.

There’s a lot of shared stuff with young families - eg don’t be domineering parents, don’t be dismissive of your kids and their interests and hopes, give time (any time!) to your kids, don’t complain about doing the bare minimum cos you’re tired. As the DC you feel a hassle and a burden... then tbh yes they truly became a burden to me. At end of life I was desperately giving my time to them as psychologically grasping for a relationship they hadn’t wanted to provide, hoping for that last link and closure. They hadn’t planned for their end of life at all - my projection but I feel the “it’ll work out” reckless attitude they used to bring me into this world, they also applied to my and their lives at all times inc their end of life care. One is still alive but same issues with finance and healthcare. I’m not having DC I don’t think because my personal life focus has been on this DP and I think it better to draw a line under this than try and juggle and feel a worse parent myself for it. You may judge (and I may change my mind!) but that’s my personal position and reflects on the constant compromises... beyond compromises... deficiency (?) I’ve experienced with my parents due to their age and attitude.

Age is an attitude so a LOT depends on this (see points in my previous post). Yes they’re basic points but those are the basics you can and should get right. The basics help a lot and help you feel loved when generations can communicate in such different and sometimes difficult ways.

Major problem being physical health - not guaranteed for any of us, but if you think you’ll live in perfect health to 90 and die peacefully then good luck. Most of us face mid life and old age health issues that are challenging emotionally and financially, long term and sometimes traumatic deterioration. Ok it’s not always like this, but it’s harder to cope with when you’re younger and trying to figure out DNR orders and remember a rota of weird medicines and missing friends weddings for this. Your personal life isn’t exactly blooming with happiness however sweet you can find some moments of brightness.

Eg one in our group is dealing with a mum with dementia and a dad with chronic heart problems. Having their DC was justified by him having a very active and important career (think military) and her being very healthy (yoga before her decline). Well now friend is juggling her care and trying to sell the family home to fund it, the dad is basically becoming non verbal in a deep depression as he can’t move well. In the midst of this friend has just been dumped by her new BF as he didn’t want this whole shitshow (obv he’s not good enough but equally can’t blame him). So it’s like having normal life challenges plus stuff we shouldn’t be dealing with til we’re 50. It sucks (if I’m being sulky about it).

Things that help: good attitude, money, friends in similar situations.

And think of timing and how things can get worse as time goes on, so plan!!! Say you’re 50 when your kid is born, it might not matter then. But when you’re 80 and your kid is 30, then it’s a real difference. And you spend a lot of time anticipating and worrying about their old age esp if they age prematurely, which they might by having you.

Knowing people in the same boat is incredibly important - thinking of all the times I needed anyone who knew what I was going through. So much easier having that shared experience.

Anyway... whittling over :) back to work :)

I think its way too old. Having a husband whose dad was alot older than his mum ment he lost his dad when he was 27. This really affected him he was also one of the oldest. His younger brother was only 18. I cant imagine both being that old and potentially losing both parents by this age. He found it really hard.

It’s her decision but it’s likely to be very isolating.
She would struggle socially at baby groups And in the school playground finding friends and her child would also have to face parent illness and death much earlier than their peers so may not have much support. There’s unlikely to be a sibling to provide comfort and connection and to share the load.

thatisntflabitsmuscle hi and a bit covered in the essay above (!) but I was desperate for that loving relationship, I suppose I thought if I could provide amazing care and think of every eventuality they’d show some ... affection? Thanks? I don’t know. I just wanted a feeling of that family relationship. I maybe wanted some acknowledgement and a big warm goodbye (didn’t get it).

I knew that as I was doing it. I do have another half and he said I was barmy... but it’s just what you want to do. And to know I at least did my bit. It has given me pride knowing this, which lasts longer than some of the pain.

Basically I’m a sucker :)

Anyway... be nice to your kids, try and plan for costs of care even if you won’t need it... you might be the nice example we all want!! In which case please consider adopting me :) I’m not always a grump...

I was 39 when I had our now 5 year old. Fir need I wouldnt have wanted to be older - would rather have been 5 years younger but ivf etc dictated things! I have noticed that whereas myself and my DH concentrate a lot on our son, his friends younger mums still want to go out and get pissed. One of them got so drunk she broke her leg in a pub at Christmas. Another posted a video of herself driving and vaping... I could go on. Not all mums are like that in their late 20s/30's but I'm shocked at how much they want to get rid of the kids so they can go out all the time. We've got that out of our systems.

If she has always wanted a child and never had the right circumstances to have one, I don't see why she shouldn't do it at 47. Lots of people have babies in their early 40s. Why is 45 the magical Rubicon she can't cross? One of my good friends had surprise twins at 45. Lovely family, boys now at uni and all well.

I had my last at 41 and I think being older has as many advantages as disadvantages. My husband was 50 when that last one was born. He retired in February and during lockdown he has been my youngest son's teacher, best friend, and constant companion. (I am a full time key worker.) Having a dad in his 60s has worked out very well for my youngest. You never know what life might bring your family.

I think it's easy for people to shout "too old" when they aren't the one longing for the baby they never had. My sympathy is with the friend and I would counsel OP to be supportive of whatever the friend decides.

Not too old. I'm 50 and have a 5 year old. I feel great.

I imagine many people have had children in their 20s and are knackered and/or having grandchildren by 50 - but that's them.

For people who have lived a relatively carefree life in their 20s and 30s, the responsibility of children in their 40s is not worrying.

Why do people think it is too old? Of course it isn’t! If she can conceive there is no reason on earth why she shouldn’t. I am flabbergasted by the judgments. My dad was 30 when I was born, mum only 21. My dad lived 12 years longer than she did and was 21 years older than she was when she died. I have a friend who is 20 years older than me and she is really energetic - I can’t keep up with her! The only drawback to your friend having a baby is the horrible right wing judgmental world she will be bringing it into.

@Notmyrealname855 I am sorry to hear about your experiences, but I don't think they are to do with the age of your parents. It is to do with the relationships, not the age of your parents. The practical issues of having to be a carer for a loved one could happen at any age. Some 70 and 80 year olds are fit and healthy. Some fifty year olds are not. Some people get debilitating diseases when young. You do have choices here, too, and it is your choices now which will more likely determine your future, not your past. Apologies if that is more "pollyanna bullshit" though.

Perhaps your friend should consider that life without children can be very fulfilling too. Children are great, but they are neither necessary, nor sufficient, for happiness. I totally understand the longing for a child, and how society can make you feel less of a woman if you don’t have one. But at 47, it’s probably better for your friend to focus on living the best childfree life she can, rather than embark on this risky and difficult path for herself and the child.

Hi thatisnt... but everything you’ve said is so about care is so much more likely to happen with older parents, that’s just the truth. The reason my case is useful is (should’ve said this at the beginning of my long posts!!)... my parents didn’t start out like that at all, until I was about 10 they were great parents. Then tbh they just got old, they were tired, they also communicated very differently to kids and weren’t willing to try learning about young people. All my uni friends had very similar experiences... good normal parenting, then a steep decline.

So maybe the answer is to be vigilant you don’t become this.

Localocal this might be the answer. Love the idea of one parent being retired to actually spend all their time with the kid! That’s the opposite of what I had and would probably keep your DP young too!

There are definitely ways and means. Everyone just has to make sure they don’t fall into bad habits (like all families). But yes a lot of pollyanna responses on these threads usually! Older parents can mess up like younger parents, but in different ways.. just guard yourselves against that I guess

@Bluesheep8

*It seems that a lot of people answering above already have their children and 'wouldn't go through itagainat that age'.

Well that's fine, but if you didn't already have them, and you badly wanted them, would your answer be different? This is the situation the OPs friend is in.*

Exactly

Does she 'badly want them' though? According to her 'friend' she's been dithering for years. I would say that suggests she doesn't in fact 'badly wants them' and it's more of a FOMA thing than some desperate desire for a baby. If you 'badly want' children, you usually get around to doing something about it before your mid 40s.

It's not fair on the child: one of my school friends parents were in their late 60's when we were teenagers (15) and he lost both parents in his late 20's.... he was absolutely devastated.

It's not fair and as other's have said, just because it's possible doesn't mean you should.

It's a no from me.

Im 48, I have 2 grandchildren. The youngest is 2. Im exhausted after a few hours and pleased to hand them back......
There are so many factors to consider. Only your friend can make the choice though.

Someone I know has just had her 7th child at 44 wtf