Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

No, for about 2748 reasons.

Hi I’m a kid to older parents. Firstly I’d say don’t do it, as a kid we then don’t have our parents for as long or as good quality generally. Though ageing is a state of mind somewhat, but one of mine certainly had switched off completely when I was pre teen and never regained interest. You also have their health problems, arthritis etc to deal with. Becomes a burden mentally.

Secondly - definitely definitely do not have kids older if you aren’t basically rich. I say this as I had the above problems PLUS they had/have no cash so retirement looks very burdensome and it’s ruined my 20s and 30s.

Funnily enough I met some ppl at uni who had similar situation - you can all say what you want but the six/ seven of us had the exact same type of experience. That we were burdens to our parents (and them to us) - the two with well off parents at least had some buffer eg with later care and funeral costs, funding for therapy after losing parents young.

Yes some of these problems you find in other family scenarios but as a group we found them pretty much 100% present in our scenarios. Made any feeling of “family” feel scant on support, interest and care.

For anyone who says “you only live once” etc and to go for it.... you’re basically condemning your kid to misery. Don’t do it. Not to a newborn kid, think about adopting an older kid so the age difference is about natural.

And yes... I say this about older dads to, who I think are selfish shits about 70% of the time at least.

Zog your post shines like a jewel in a lot of rubbish. Your relationship to your mum is brilliant.

I am not demying any pain to people whose parents had them later in life. If that was you, I'm sorry it was hard. But you only get that one shot at life - that meeting of sperm and egg that made you! If the person who is now your mum/was you mum and the person who is now your dad/was you dad had chosen to have a baby a decade earlier, it would not have been you. It's obvious.

I was slightly jealous of my friend at 15, I was 15 too. Her mum was 35! Mine had had me at 33, but it passed.

She lived until I was in my 50s and gave me a good life.

I had my child at 39 and adopted in my 40s.

OP no one can tell your friend what to do. I'd leave her be.

And children of 8 are very rarely adopted in the country. The most common age when I adopted (6 years ago) was 3 ( in my area).

Notmyrealname lots if kids are condemned to misery by parents who cannot or will not prioritise their needs. Being an older parent is not condemning a child to misery.

I always write the same response on these threads and I always see the “you only get one shot in life!”. Yeah.... and a third of my life went on caring for my older parents and sustaining them financially, at having a low-calorie childhood and then seeing glib remark saying go for it to a 46 year old. You only live once, and so does your kid - don’t ruin it for them

Hyperfish "I’m just asking people to consider people’s feelings a bit more." Sadly, some folks just can't do that has nothing to do with age.

"Those of us with experience of being older parents might have useful things to say but a quick read of the thread has us all tagged as selfish and past it."

I wouldn't allow it to worry you if you, like me, are an older parent. If I came on and said loads of negative things about young parents that would be argued as offensive, and rightly so.

Enjoy being the brilliant parent I am sure you are.

Italiangreyhound thank you for enlightening me and writing off my experience and every experience of my friends who have older parents. We’ve never met kids of older parents who’ve had different experiences but lucky them.

There is also a huge difference each decade - the parent you are at 46 will be vastly different to 76.

The “but you could grow up in a DV household!” / “not all old parents are bad!” / “you only get one life!”..... seriously, these responses are on every thread. And every thread topic with this some of us with older parents come on and say what the usual experience is, and get told it’s not the usual experience. So you can justify your choice. Fine, but don’t deny us our whole lives. Incredibly patronising.

Nb if you’re an older parent who parents well and provides that support as any other good parent would, then genuinely bravo.

Sadly this is not usual.

Sorry I am whittling - it is very possible to be a good older parent, but it’s not the usual experience.

My top tips are (to be more positive)....

try not to make comments about how tired you are in front of the kids. It makes them feel guilty - they start bending more to your needs and becoming subservient to you (more kid- teacher relationship and more formal than kid- parent). That was the starting change for a lot of us.

Try and maintain interest in their hobbies and interests. Try not to make new fads they like seem different or taboo, don’t harp on about what life was like in your day - otherwise they never get to just live and be their own person. If you can’t do certain days out with your kids for health reasons, think of cool alternatives.

Don’t write off the younger generations as being only this or that (snowflakes...!). We all do this as we get older :)

The biggest..... Please financially plan as much as possible so the kids know they won’t be burdened at difficult periods in their life. Eg using house deposit instead on parent care (cough cough!).

It’s all the same sort of stuff “normal” parents should do, but older parents (in our experience) were a hundred times more prone to switching off completely. There are lots of other things, and these seem basic, but were all lacking in our experiences.

FYI we literally have a support group for people with older parents, now mostly on the logistics of financing their care and making awfully difficult decisions on healthcare etc when putting off kids/ trying to raise own kids. It’s a mess tbh.

FYI we literally have a support group for people with older parents

Are you all only children, or do some have siblings?

I think 47 is fine is the couple have the money to bring the child up...

I have been recently shocked as a 32 year old colleague got diagnosed with cancer and passed away 2 years later. He left two young children...
Another one is a 28year old who had an accident at work and sadly died. Also left 2 kids..

There are no certainties in life and young age is no guarantee of being there for your children.

Thanks @Italiangreyhound

@Notmyrealname855 Spot on. As a fellow child of older parents I completely agree.

Unfortunately our experiences are brushed over and minimised because people don't want to hear it. Some of the rebuttals and whataboutery from some overly defensive posters have been quite bizarre.

Ultimately people want what they want, and will find a way to justify it to themselves. They kid themselves that if they're healthy now, they'll live to their 90s in perfect health. The reality, as articulated by yourself and others, threatens their view so they simply refuse to hear it.

I hope you and your friends are doing well. I don't have any friends in a similar position so they just don't get it.

@Notmyrealname855 one of mine certainly had switched off completely when I was pre teen and never regained interest one of mine behaved like a pre teen throughout my life. Good parenting is feck all to do with age.

When you say you spent a third of your life caring for a parent, what do you mean? What age were you and you did surely have a choice?
Were you living with them or were they living with you? I am only asking as I am a moderately older mother and I'd hate to think of my DC caring for me and then being so angry and bitter about it.

If 47 is selfishly old, then is 37? What about 27, which is still a full 10 years later than a woman could have given birth and thus been around for her child for an extra decade of their life?
Completely ridiculous arguement; comparing op's current age with both 10 and 20 years younger! Of course it makes a difference. Wtf?!

I think you rather missed my point, which was to ask how 47 was unspeakably selfish when 37 is absolutely fine. As you say, those 10 years make a big difference, so surely the 10 years between 27 and 37 also make a big difference, as do the 10 years between 17 and 27? At what point between 37 and 47 does 'perfectly acceptable' suddenly become 'unilaterally outrageous'?

I can't help thinking that most mums choose to have their babies between a certain age-range and, on that basis alone, they see anything 5 years either side as misguided and more than that unequivocally selfish and very, very wrong. On the whole, MN is fully in favour of women's reproductive rights when it comes to abortion, but seems to be full of condemnation when it comes to having babies a bit later in life, for whatever reason.

All many seem to want to do is patronise, assume that people are somehow unable to add their own age to that of a potential child and then wag fingers and shout "Selfish!" based on their own personal experiences and ignoring average life expectancies, which can of course also turn out to be very far longer or shorter than average for any individual.

As for the suggestion of the friend 'dithering', I think this is very unfair and belittling indeed. Too many people don't consider things for enough time before having children. It's not like deciding what you want for dinner or what to wear on a particular day: it's a very serious, far-reaching consideration to make.

@TeddyIsaHe

Far too old, and it’s for entirely selfish reasons.

I understand women that have fertility issues or haven’t settled down, but being a parent is about putting your children first, even before they’re born.

And what were your non selfish reasons for having children?!

Jesus there are some nasty comments on this thread.

@Everythingnotsaved

What makes you think you need an opinion? It's her body, her decision & hopefully her baby. Why do you need a bunch of strangers on the internet to form an opinion for you - why can't you just support your friend in HER decision?

What makes you think you need an opinion? It's her body, her decision & hopefully her baby. Why do you need a bunch of strangers on the internet to form an opinion for you - why can't you just support your friend in HER decision?

Precisely.

Funnily enough I met some ppl at uni who had similar situation - you can all say what you want but the six/ seven of us had the exact same type of experience I do think people gravitate to people with similar mindsets at uni though. I didn't have the easiest of childhoods and at uni I mainly met people who were similar but who didn't talk about it much, who were positive, happy, grateful for what they did have, went on to have good lives. I am not minimising your experience but I really think maybe try to have a more glass half full attitude, you will be happier. Essential ingredients of happiness are having low expectations of others - including your parents - and high expectations of yourself.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

10 years is more than half of person's childhood, of course it's a significant amount of time. By your logic, if 47 is ok then so is 57, which is obviously ridiculous. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

Going against the grain here but I think she's perfectly entitled to try. I know plenty of people where one or both parents was a similar in age to what you describe and they are just fine. Yes it's "selfish", but so is most procreation; what reason does anyone need beyond "we want to be parents"?

I am not minimising your experience but I really think maybe try to have a more glass half full attitude, you will be happier.

Christ, that's exactly what you're doing, and in a really patronising manner.

If people posted about other traumatic circumstances they experienced in their childhood and young adulthood, they wouldn't receive this Pollyanna bullshit in response.

Think the difficulty with these types of threads is that people's lives are lives imperfectly.

Therefore is it ideal to have a first child at 47 - no absolutely not

Are there worse situation for a child to be born into than being the child of older parents - yes

No one else can live someone else"s live and make there choices

I hear what people say of their experiences of being the child older parents - bit equally although not ideal would they sooner have not existed at all because some random person told their parents they were too old to continue with the pregnancy?

Like I say doubt any of us would pick it as our ideal set up - but its not that bad

bit equally although not ideal would they sooner have not existed at all

Don't understand this argument at all. If someone never existed, they'd hardly know about it would they?

bit equally although not ideal would they sooner have not existed at all because some random person told their parents they were too old to continue with the pregnancy?

That's a moot point, if I didn't exist then I wouldn't know about it or be able to be upset about it, so sure - it doesn't really mean anything.