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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with PIL on DP’s behalf?

122 replies

saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:04

Today DP and I booked our wedding for September next year. It will be a small wedding with only 20 guests - parents, siblings (and partners) and 2 close friends. Venue is a 40 minute drive from home.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves and haven’t asked either set of parents for any contribution. I say this as DP’s older sister had a small contribution from PIL when she got married a few years ago.

DP spoke to PIL (dad and step mum, his actual mum is estranged) this evening to explain details, told them that there are rooms available at the venue for our guests to book at a discounted price (think £100 cheaper!!) and could they let us know if they’d like us to reserve one for them and younger SIL (22). After a few moments of umming and ahhing, FIL apologised to DP and said that he’d have to think about it because, quote, ‘all these costs are adding up’ and it might be too expensive for them to stay, so they’ll have to leave early. DP assumed FIL got the wrong end of the stick and explained that we’re paying for everything ourselves, except guests’ accommodation. FIL said he understood, but that he and SMIL would still need to have a think because they’re not sure if they can commit.

It’s a late afternoon wedding, so the meal won’t finish until 7/7.30, and if they choose not to stay, they’ll be leaving shortly after (there’s no evening reception).

We know for a fact that PIL earn £80k a year between them and have no mortgage. They have 3 adult children between them and no parents - so no financial dependants. They go on several holidays abroad every year.
AIBU to think it’s really shitty of them to not want to commit to £200 to celebrate their son/stepson’s marriage??

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 11/07/2020 23:15

Maybe there’s something they are not telling you like a health or alcohol issue. Sounds a bit off.

Timeforabiscuit · 11/07/2020 23:20

I'd say something else is going on, September is a long way off, leave the details with them to sort out and make it clear if there are any deadlines the bookings are due by.

Focus on the people enthusiastic about the day, I'm sure in the fullness of time it'll come to light why fil to be is being odd.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 11/07/2020 23:22

You haven't labelled them as vip and therefore paying for their room and therefore have spat their dummy out..

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:25

Rooms have to be reserved within the next 2 weeks if we want them.

I’m disinclined to think there’s something else going on as they do have form for being very ‘tight’ when it comes to DP and his older sister (not step mum’s children)

OP posts:
Goingdownto · 11/07/2020 23:25

It would be worth reserving the room yourselves for the sake of £200.
Maybe by expenses he's referring to some large gift they are giving you?

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:26

@Sunnydayshereatlast

You haven't labelled them as vip and therefore paying for their room and therefore have spat their dummy out..
I could maybe see their point of view if this was the case, but we aren’t paying for any rooms! We’ve told everyone invited that they’re welcome to stay but will have to pay for their own rooms as we just can’t afford it
OP posts:
Umberta · 11/07/2020 23:28

If they choose not to come to the wedding, that's that and you can go low/non contact from them on. Sounds like good riddance tbh, they sound miserable company.

FlaskMaster · 11/07/2020 23:28

If the meal finishes and then there's no reception, why can't they just go home then? It's only 40 minutes away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2020 23:28

Sounds weird. Tell them the deadline then leave it at that. Well, get DP to tell them and leave it at that. They’re adults, it’s up to them to secure accommodation.

Sorry you’re disappointed.

Goingdownto · 11/07/2020 23:30

Yes what are you expecting to do in the evening?

Yetiyoga · 11/07/2020 23:31

What is the plan for the evening? You say there is no reception? I'd drive 40 minutes to a nice restaurant, maybe they think there is no point in staying if nothing will happen after the meal (and some drinks?)

Whoknowswhocares · 11/07/2020 23:33

So if the meal is finishing at 7.30 and there is no evening ‘do’ planned, what is the need for them to book a room?
Surely they can just go home at the end of the celebration?

converseandjeans · 11/07/2020 23:35

£200 is a lot for a hotel room - but I guess if it's their son they should want to stay. I actually think you're assuming people have money for the room. I wouldn't want to be obliged to pay £200 for a room. They don't seem to have much choice about it.

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:36

After the meal, we’d planned to have drinks on the terrace with some music, and the following morning the venue are putting on a breakfast for us and our guests.

I’m just annoyed for DP that it looks like it’ll just be my family there to carry on the celebrations and he won’t have any of his side to share it with.

OP posts:
Iverunoutofnames · 11/07/2020 23:37

Are they weird about staying in hotels and parties (E.g. like my parents).

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:37

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. It’s £100 for the room and they’d need 2 - one for themselves, and one for SIL and her partner (who both work full time and could pay for themselves)

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 11/07/2020 23:39

Maybe see if someone else wants the rooms

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 11/07/2020 23:39

@Goingdownto

Yes what are you expecting to do in the evening?
I laughed at this!
PrincessForADay · 11/07/2020 23:44

Why did you not ask them for their need to book a room & speak to SIL about her need for a room? I don't see why they should pay for an adult daughter's room?

Other than that YANBU. I would leave them to decide if they want a room & if so to book it. Failing that they have the option of travelling home or looking for cheaper accommodation near your venue

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:44

@Iverunoutofnames

Are they weird about staying in hotels and parties (E.g. like my parents).
I suppose it could be a recently developed thing.. didn’t bother them when they went to a friend’s big birthday party and stayed overnight at a hotel in February tho
OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/07/2020 23:46

They can't commit to £200 in September 2021! Good lord. That's ridiculous.

Quite annoying, but if my dad couldn't pay...I'd pay for his room. Although I can't understand how they can't put aside 20 quid a month from now till then.

Original poster
saturdaynightgin · 11/07/2020 23:47

@PrincessForADay

Why did you not ask them for their need to book a room & speak to SIL about her need for a room? I don't see why they should pay for an adult daughter's room?

Other than that YANBU. I would leave them to decide if they want a room & if so to book it. Failing that they have the option of travelling home or looking for cheaper accommodation near your venue

SIL still lives at home and DP asked his dad to pass on the message - they’re not that close (10 year age gap). He doesn’t expect FIL to pay for her room
OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 11/07/2020 23:49

But I guess the party finished later? I have relatives who would be very much of the 'waste of money, I can be home by 8.30 and sleep in my own bed' view. Try to accept it as a weird decision of theirs and resolve not to let it spoil your day.

saraclara · 11/07/2020 23:50

I'm not sure why you're expecting them to pay for a 22 year old's room. What's that about? Maybe that's why they didn't want to commit?

ScubaSteven · 11/07/2020 23:50

Maybe it’s because there is no formal evening do and a small gathering might make them feel uncomfortable. My parents didn’t stay overnight at my wedding venue, I was upset at the time because breakfast would have been much better with them there with our friends who stayed. But on the actual night when most people had gone and it was just the people who were staying over left I could understand why they hadn’t wanted to stay. They could have gone to their room early of course but then it would have been obvious that they didn’t want to socialise with everyone.

Just let them do what they choose, don’t let their decisions affect your enjoyment.