AIBU to be annoyed with PIL on DP’s behalf?

[saturdaynightgin]

Today DP and I booked our wedding for September next year. It will be a small wedding with only 20 guests - parents, siblings (and partners) and 2 close friends. Venue is a 40 minute drive from home.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves and haven’t asked either set of parents for any contribution. I say this as DP’s older sister had a small contribution from PIL when she got married a few years ago.

DP spoke to PIL (dad and step mum, his actual mum is estranged) this evening to explain details, told them that there are rooms available at the venue for our guests to book at a discounted price (think £100 cheaper!!) and could they let us know if they’d like us to reserve one for them and younger SIL (22). After a few moments of umming and ahhing, FIL apologised to DP and said that he’d have to think about it because, quote, ‘all these costs are adding up’ and it might be too expensive for them to stay, so they’ll have to leave early. DP assumed FIL got the wrong end of the stick and explained that we’re paying for everything ourselves, except guests’ accommodation. FIL said he understood, but that he and SMIL would still need to have a think because they’re not sure if they can commit.

It’s a late afternoon wedding, so the meal won’t finish until 7/7.30, and if they choose not to stay, they’ll be leaving shortly after (there’s no evening reception).

We know for a fact that PIL earn £80k a year between them and have no mortgage. They have 3 adult children between them and no parents - so no financial dependants. They go on several holidays abroad every year.
AIBU to think it’s really shitty of them to not want to commit to £200 to celebrate their son/stepson’s marriage??

My PIL can go halfway around the world to see DP's stepsister but can't afford a four hour flight to see their only grandchildren so we have to travel to them 🤷‍♀️ stepsisters are on pedestal above FIL own children, it's upsetting but it is the way it is. FIL main earner btw stepmum doesn't work.

Oh....do they know they're not expected to pay for her? And if she's paying for herself, why is it up to your PIL's to decide whether to book her room?

Tbh I wouldn't be booking a hotel for a wedding that had no reception. I would just go home.

I definitely think you and DP should speak directly to his sister. She is an adult. Messaging via PIL will not encourage a close relationship between you in the future. It sounds like they will tell her your plans with a negative slant.

Tbh, I wouldnt pay £200 for a room when nothing else will after 7.30pm and I can be back home by 8.30pm .

Maybe thats what it is? They dont want to fork out when can be home within the hr

Costs vs return.

Outfits,gifts,transport ,possibly a day off work . If it was my kid , it would be a no brainer, I'd want to spend as much time with her as possible. For some people that is not enough "return".

To answer a few replies..

DP mentioned SIL’s room in a ‘can you ask SIL to let me know if she wants a room’ way rather than asking FIL to decide for her. You’re right, he should probably ask her directly, so I’ll ask him to message her in the morning.

It’s £100 for the room, breakfast the following morning comes as part of the wedding package. We aren’t expecting any gifts and have told those we’ve invited that their presence is enough.

FIL implied that if they don’t commit to a room then they will be leaving straight after the meal. I admit I haven’t been to many weddings, but I assume that during the actual ceremony and meal, you don’t get a chance to chat much and ‘mingle’ with guests, so the evening drinks on the terrace would be a chance to relax and spend time together.

I could maybe understand their reservations about committing to spending that much money on just one night if they hadn’t done so in the past, but they do so frequently for friends and other family members. In fact, FIL’s hobby involves travelling around the country and abroad several times a year and SMIL goes along for fun - they don’t mind spending £100 for a hotel room then.

Maybe I’m just annoyed cos I know that I wouldn’t even hesitate to commit to celebrate my own child’s marriage 🤷🏼‍♀️

In fact, FIL’s hobby involves travelling around the country and abroad several times a year and SMIL goes along for fun - they don’t mind spending £100 for a hotel room then.

Again cost vs return. They want to do that, they enjoy doing that so it's worth it.

It's shit. Help your future DH to deal with it ,take it as it is and move on.

People have different priorities, and sometimes we're not as high as we'd like or need to be on that list. Nothing you can do about it.

Do tell him to discuss with his sister separately, as she might feel differently.

My parents wouldn't hang around once the meal was over with nothing else planned, they'd probably have a drink with my new husband's parents to be sociable but they'd go then, hanging around after that would probably feel a bit kind of artificial if you know what I mean with only a small number of people - they would rather be at home in their own bed. If it was important to me, they'd come back for breakfast though.

I wouldn’t be staying over if I could get home from a wedding. Don’t mind staying for a few drinks but would head off at 11 or so.

Not sure why this is a big issue or why wedding parties become weekend breaks these day.

With their form for being tight to the older two, they probably only contributed to the older sister’s wedding because she’s a girl. You gave them the option to book a room, if they don’t then it’s on them. Nothing wrong with your DP enjoying the day with your family and his friends.

I wouldn’t be staying over if I could get home from a wedding.

Not even for your own child?

I’d leave a week or so and ask dp to speak to pil. He can say it would mean a lot if they will stay over and explain again about terrace and breakfast.
Sounds very odd. Maybe they felt put on spot or maybe didn’t see need for rush given wedding is 14 months away. Do they disapprove of venue or feel its silly to wait 14 months etc. He needs to speak to them.

Tight!

You don’t know their circumstances perhaps they genuinely can’t afford it.

I wouldn't stay over in a hotel 40 minutes away

I'd mingle on the terrace and have drinks til kicking out time and then drive home (and back for breakfast if necessary)

I do hope my SIL doesn't ask us to do that for her wedding next year - what a waste of money when I could be home in my own comfy bed

Agree Laurie
30-40 mins is normal travelling time for a night out for us. I would struggle to see why I should stay over for that. Would go back the following morning for breakfast if clear I was expected/welcome.

Are they teetotallers OP?

If so, I can understand why they would perhaps rather go home after meal if it's only 40 mins away.

Does step Mum wear the trousers?

Maybe Dad was unwilling to commit until he'd spoken to her?

TBH the last thing you want at your terrace drinks reception, is someone who doesn't want to be there.
Sod 'em.

Driving home doesn't mean they're out of there the minute the ceremony is done. It's close enough they can stay and hang out for a while and still make it home at a decent hour.
I wouldn't stay overnight either. Don't make it into something it doesn't need to be.

My PIL tried this on us. They said they probably wouldn't come to our wedding because they couldn't 'afford the fare'. They were actually on a very expensive holiday when they told us that. So they could afford an expensive holiday, but couldn't afford to travel to their only son's wedding .

Sorry, but if they are penny-pinching, I would tell them not to bother. Unless they genuinely didn't have the money, then I would offer to pay for them.

If there is no party after wards and it was a 40 minute drive, I think I'd drive back too.

I feel your frustration OP and would happily stay over night for my dc. Definitely don't book for them like someone suggested.
Make sure they know the deadline and leave it at that. You will have a better night with those staying and celebrating with you.

At the moment, can you be sure your pil’s job is safe. If he’s at risk of redundancy and an older man, he may be very worried about money, and not want to commit to more pressure.

This isn’t necessarily about you. Maybe there is something else going on that you are unaware of.

Do they know about the breakfast the next day?

You need to tell DS yourself so she can make her own choice