AIBU to be annoyed with PIL on DP’s behalf?

[saturdaynightgin]

Today DP and I booked our wedding for September next year. It will be a small wedding with only 20 guests - parents, siblings (and partners) and 2 close friends. Venue is a 40 minute drive from home.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves and haven’t asked either set of parents for any contribution. I say this as DP’s older sister had a small contribution from PIL when she got married a few years ago.

DP spoke to PIL (dad and step mum, his actual mum is estranged) this evening to explain details, told them that there are rooms available at the venue for our guests to book at a discounted price (think £100 cheaper!!) and could they let us know if they’d like us to reserve one for them and younger SIL (22). After a few moments of umming and ahhing, FIL apologised to DP and said that he’d have to think about it because, quote, ‘all these costs are adding up’ and it might be too expensive for them to stay, so they’ll have to leave early. DP assumed FIL got the wrong end of the stick and explained that we’re paying for everything ourselves, except guests’ accommodation. FIL said he understood, but that he and SMIL would still need to have a think because they’re not sure if they can commit.

It’s a late afternoon wedding, so the meal won’t finish until 7/7.30, and if they choose not to stay, they’ll be leaving shortly after (there’s no evening reception).

We know for a fact that PIL earn £80k a year between them and have no mortgage. They have 3 adult children between them and no parents - so no financial dependants. They go on several holidays abroad every year.
AIBU to think it’s really shitty of them to not want to commit to £200 to celebrate their son/stepson’s marriage??

I think you're making too much of this

They can be there for the ceremony and the meal and then go home

They could even come back the next morning for breakfast if they wanted to

It's only 40 minutes away

Choose your battles - you don't NEED to battle here - don't CHOOSE to have a battle which you don't need to have

I really don't understand so many of the wedding threads here. You decide to marry, set a date, tell the people who you think may be interested in attending and just get on with it. The marriage ceremony - however you choose to do it - is the important bit, the "wedding" is the celebration afterwards, big, small, whatever. As often said here , it is not a summons - people can decide for themselves what they want to do.

They sound very tight, but I would just leave them to it. If they don't want to pay and aren't interested in attending the evening drinks and the breakfast then that's their loss. Let them go home after the meal if they want I don't see it as a big deal.

It does sound like a lot of money to stay over for just drinks and a breakfast; it’s not like you’re having an evening do in which case it would make sense to stay over.

They’re there for the wedding ceremony and that’s the important part.

I also agree with pp about your partner using his parents as messengers to SIL. No, they’re not close, but he’s a grown man getting married and he should have spoken to her himself.

I don't think it's as bad as you're making out. They're going to come but don't want to waste money on a hotel if they don't need to as they can get home? I would like my parents to stay, don't get me wrong, but I think they are not missing anything apart from breakfast and some people would rather not

I agree with you. I'd be fuming I'd also go so far as to tell him so too.
I meet him or phone him and say DP will be very upset it you don't stay overnight it's not like you can't afford it and we are not asking for any contributions as you have given to your other child.
If he took offence then too bad and if he didn't stay overnight I'd distance myself from them and only see them when I had to on family occasions ect, I definitely would not be inviting them to my home. X

@copperoliver

I agree with you. I'd be fuming I'd also go so far as to tell him so too. I meet him or phone him and say DP will be very upset it you don't stay overnight it's not like you can't afford it and we are not asking for any contributions as you have given to your other child. If he took offence then too bad and if he didn't stay overnight I'd distance myself from them and only see them when I had to on family occasions ect, I definitely would not be inviting them to my home. X

Don’t do this, OP unless you want to be a spoilt brat.

It’s irrelevant that they contributed to sisters wedding; that’s got nothing to do with your wedding, and it doesn’t matter whether or not they can afford to if they don’t actually want to.

It’s a wedding not a summons and they are actually attending the wedding part.

All the people saying they’d just go home after, it’s only 40 mins away etc....ITS THEIR BLOODY SON’S WEDDING!! Any decent parent would be really excited and want to join in with all the celebrations that evening and in the morning, not distance themselves and miss half of the time because they don’t technically need to stay over. Such a miserable attitude!

I fully agree that it’s very poor form and extremely hurtful OP. People on here are weird about things like this though (being asked to stay over for a close family wedding is seen as something to take deep offence to ) I really don’t think the responses on here reflect how anyone I know in real life would think!

I really don’t think the responses on here reflect how anyone I know in real life would think!

Rainycloudyday Yes of course because everyone saying different to you is a robot and not at all a real person with different opinions, emotions, feelings, experiences etc. to you

I never understand when people come out with this. It makes absolutely no sense.

Did they stop over at SIL wedding?

@heartsonacake It makes perfect sense, really not sure what you don’t understand. I didn’t say that no one in the world disagrees with me, clearly they do! I’m saying that of the people I know in real life I just can’t imagine any of them being so miserable and weird about something like this as some of the people on this thread! Not sure what’s so hard to understand about that.

TBH I can see why they wouldnt want to stay overnight and I am always a bit uncomfortable with the breakfast thing the next day. Always feels a bit strange to me to join the bride and groom for the 'morning after the night before' breakfast. To me that feels like it should be quite an intimate meal between the bride and groom.

The breakfast always seems to have two possible scenarios. Either you are exhausted after a night & morning of passion or you are greenfaced with hangover!

Rainycloud is spot in. The point is this is his son's wedding and he can't stump up 100 pounds for a room when they earn 80 grand! They also can't be bothered to hang around for the evening. Whatever the entertainment was I would be there for mine if they wanted me. I would probably spit my dummy out and withdraw the invitation altogether - that's bad advice though. Take the high ground say nothing - if they don't confirm in time don't book the room and then have little to do with them in the future. As others have said ask SIL directly. Prepare yourself for PIL to pay towards elaborate weddings in the further for the other children. It will really hurt if you have made lots of effort with them - easier to deal with if you haven't.

You stay over so you can stay and have relaxed social drinks, sit and chat, have a pleasant evening together and roll up to bed without having to drive (avoiding designated driver) or get taxis etc (and a 40 min taxi drive is about £50 anyway) plus rounding it off nicely with a relaxed breakfast.

I would point out that it is a lot cheaper than their contribution to sister's wedding and that without a reasonable explanation their reaction of worrying about committing to a £100 hotel night appears odd and a bit of a snub all things considered.

My mil left my wedding reception early because she 'wanted to go to Waitrose before it closed'. . Fil left shortly afterwards as he's never without her.

They didn't really know our friends and my family and they aren't exactly social butterflies. Making polite small talk with strangers is not their idea of fun. Had it been full of people they did know I'm sure they'd have stayed a bit longer. Neither I nor dh had a problem with it. They had fun for a while, and left when it got too much. I'd have hated for them to force themselves to stay somewhere they were uncomfortable and feel awkward regardless of the occasion.

Perhaps the money excuse is just an that: a polite excuse. It could be they find strangers uncomfortable, or there's a health issue you know nothing about, or a secret family issue going on. Does your soon to be dh have an issue with this or is it just you on his behalf?

People are weird and it's often a lot easier to deal with it if you just accept the weirdness and don't take it personally.

@Thingsdogetbetter I think I am like your DMiL. I can be social for a while but eventually find peopleing quite tiring.

People are weird and it's often a lot easier to deal with it if you just accept the weirdness and don't take it personally.

Sound advice!

@Rainycloudyday I agree with you.
I’m 60 so probably similar age to your DP’s parents. Not a single person I know would act like this it’s weird!
How does your DP get on with his stepmom? I usually find it’s women who drive these decisions

Some people are a bit weird about weddings / parties and staying over. I know a couple like this. They were so anal about every detail of their own comfort when they went to their DD's wedding. Didn't give a feck about the wedding itself. They also planned to leave immediately after food was served and do a 2 hour drive home. In the end, I don't think they actually did, as they had a lovely time, were the centre of attention and knew everyone, as it was their dd's wedding, of course!

Anyway, I don't think this is a big request of someone who earns a decent amount. YANBU, but leave him to it. He's being a joyless, mealy mouthed fool. Just roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, stay civil and enjoy your wedding with the only person who really matters (DP) and the people who can be arsed to make an effort.

Of course they are being unreasonable. Its weird as fck they wont spend £100 on a room for your WEDDING and yet earn 80k and regularly spend hundreds on travelling around staying in other hotels for fun.

Yes, thats messed up. I dont know how anyone could argue otherwise tbh. But I think you are just going to have to let this go. Its terribly, terribly painful when your supposed "loved ones" treat you like you dont matter and I get it, its happened to me. However the only thing you can do is chalk it up to their own selfish weirdness and get on and enjoy your own life. What I had to do was really lower my expectations because it gets your hopes up that they'll make an effort, then you come crashing down with disappointment when they dont. So dont expect anything from them.

They've shown you who they are, and its not very nice. This is all you can really expect from them now on. Let it go. I would fade them out and only reciprocate back to the same level that they are putting in for you. Go on and have a fabulous life and really- it IS their loss in the end because noone says on their death bed- wow, I wish I had scrimped more on money and seen my loved ones less do they? This is totally their loss. It really is.

For whatever reason they won't be taking that room. Don't mention it again and speak to SIL direct. Just let this one go.

Let it go. They will probably have drinks on the terrace ( are you paying fir these?) and then go home. What happens if it rains? I find the breakfast awkward and a waste of money. For £100 I would expect breakfast at a B&B so you are not doing any favours there. The next morning most people are hung over and really just want to get home.

Have you sent all the people a formal wedding invitation explaining the day, with info about the hotel, evening drinks, breakfast. With an RSVP ?

Seems very informal to just have a chat & expect PIL to ask SIL

Your invitation is lacking

Thank you all for your replies. Too many to quite so just a few answers..

PIL’s jobs are safe, both have been working throughout lockdown in vital job sectors.

Older SIL ‘eloped’ abroad with her DH so there were no wedding guests.

We definitely WONT be speaking to them about it and definitely NOT ‘battling’ with them. This thread was merely for me to vent my frustrations.

DO will be texting younger SIL this morning to see if she wants a room.

They definitely know about breakfast.

Some drinks on the terrace are being paid for and the bar will be open for anyone wanting extra.

Invitations haven’t been sent yet because we only booked it yesterday. We spoke to our respective families about it simply because of the two week deadline to reserve rooms.

Sorry if I haven’t answered anything!

@Rainycloudyday

I agree with you. I am laughing that anyone would truly think it’s cheeky or entitled to expect their parents to come to their fcking WEDDING evening do. Considering that they travel around staying in lots of other hotels it clearly can’t be money can it?

I don’t know people in real life who would gasp in horror that a person wanted their parents there at their wedding. A lot of people on MN have very poor social skills and weird ideas about things that I never ever see in real life!

Could they not just get a taxi back home when the evenings over? Might be cheaper than a hotel room if they are tight.