AIBU to be annoyed with PIL on DP’s behalf?

[saturdaynightgin]

Today DP and I booked our wedding for September next year. It will be a small wedding with only 20 guests - parents, siblings (and partners) and 2 close friends. Venue is a 40 minute drive from home.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves and haven’t asked either set of parents for any contribution. I say this as DP’s older sister had a small contribution from PIL when she got married a few years ago.

DP spoke to PIL (dad and step mum, his actual mum is estranged) this evening to explain details, told them that there are rooms available at the venue for our guests to book at a discounted price (think £100 cheaper!!) and could they let us know if they’d like us to reserve one for them and younger SIL (22). After a few moments of umming and ahhing, FIL apologised to DP and said that he’d have to think about it because, quote, ‘all these costs are adding up’ and it might be too expensive for them to stay, so they’ll have to leave early. DP assumed FIL got the wrong end of the stick and explained that we’re paying for everything ourselves, except guests’ accommodation. FIL said he understood, but that he and SMIL would still need to have a think because they’re not sure if they can commit.

It’s a late afternoon wedding, so the meal won’t finish until 7/7.30, and if they choose not to stay, they’ll be leaving shortly after (there’s no evening reception).

We know for a fact that PIL earn £80k a year between them and have no mortgage. They have 3 adult children between them and no parents - so no financial dependants. They go on several holidays abroad every year.
AIBU to think it’s really shitty of them to not want to commit to £200 to celebrate their son/stepson’s marriage??

Is the hotel local? Maybe they’re thinking well if it finishes early (No reception party) they can just drive home. I’d say as it’s not the standard type of wedding they don’t understand it!if that makes sense. They don’t get that the staying over is apart of the celebrations. For what it’s worth I think you’re wedding sounds lovely and I hope you have a fantastic day/night regardless of what they do.

I dont see what's wrong with coming to wedding, joining in and getting a taxi home - which could be at 2 /3 am. I wouldn't really think of the breakfast as part of the wedding

Do they know about the plan for the evening drinks after the reception? If not I can see why they might head home rather than stay.

If someone lives 40 minutes away I can't actually see why going home would be an issue. They might be quite happy to come back and join you for breakfast the next morning.

Wedding venue is a 40 minute drive from home.

DP told them about the evening drinks (neither are teetotal) and FIL still implied that if they didn’t stay they’d leave after the meal.

The venue stated that a champagne breakfast would be provided for us and our guests that stay overnight. I’m not sure if they’re happy for guests to leave and return the following morning, but it’s definitely something we can ask about if PIL decide they want to do that.

@Rainycloudyday

All the people saying they’d just go home after, it’s only 40 mins away etc....ITS THEIR BLOODY SON’S WEDDING!! Any decent parent would be really excited and want to join in with all the celebrations that evening and in the morning, not distance themselves and miss half of the time because they don’t technically need to stay over. Such a miserable attitude!

I fully agree that it’s very poor form and extremely hurtful OP. People on here are weird about things like this though (being asked to stay over for a close family wedding is seen as something to take deep offence to ) I really don’t think the responses on here reflect how anyone I know in real life would think!

All of this!! I’m shocked at the number of people saying they’d go home. Even if you don’t like staying in a hotel... it’s your sons wedding! It’s one night, just make a small sacrifice to make your son happy.

Of course the OP is entitled to be pissed off, of course the in-laws are unreasonable. But it’s the OPs day. It is an unusual wedding. Are the guests contributing to the costs of you hiring the place via the rental of the rooms? Breakfast really isn’t part of a wedding party. I’ve stayed for breakfast and it is awkward. People are hung over, people are embarrassed about the behaviour the night before, some guests stay in bed and make the most of the child free morning, others don’t want more alcohol and some have long journeys and want to get going. Chill out and focus on the day.

All the people saying they’d just go home after, it’s only 40 mins away etc....ITS THEIR BLOODY SON’S WEDDING!!

I’m shocked at the number of people saying they’d go home. Even if you don’t like staying in a hotel... it’s your sons wedding

The wedding ends at 7:30 ish though. There is no evening reception.

Honestly, why not pay the £200 yourselves to have them there - if they want that of course!

£200 is a drop in the ocean when it comes to a wedding and you have to work out what is important, something utterly pointless like favours or some other such shite or having his (tight) parents there for the night.

Offer to pay, then work out the budget to cover it.

@gotothecooler she wrote that they’d hang out on the terrace afterwards, listen to music. Sounds like a nice chilled evening celebrating the marriage?

she wrote that they’d hang out on the terrace afterwards, listen to music. Sounds like a nice chilled evening celebrating the marriage?

Yes, I saw that.

£200 is a drop in the ocean when it comes to a wedding and you have to work out what is important, something utterly pointless like favours or some other such shite or having his (tight) parents there for the night.

Nothing about OP's wedding sounds extravagant or a budget of thousands. You have no idea if £200 is a drop in the ocean.

Honestly, why not pay the £200 yourselves to have them there - if they want that of course

Because they earn 80k a year and spend the year travelling around staying in hotels on holiday on the regular. They arent poor, they are just supremely tight. I dont see why OP should have to pay money for them to attend their own sons wedding. Most parents would actually want to do that and wouldnt need paying for the privilege

This sounds like our wedding. We had close family and friends only and the actual wedding bit finished around 7pm, and then there was drinks on the terrace. My parents (and DH's parents along with other older relatives) only stayed for a couple of drinks and had left by 8.30pm. Meanwhile DH and my friends mostly stayed overnight so we had a good evening of celebration.
It didn't even cross my mind that I should feel slighted that my parents and in-laws didn't want to stay overnight. TBH the evening was probably more fun just spent with close friends without worrying that my parents/in-laws might be feeling left out.

Sounds weird. Tell them the deadline then leave it at that. Well, get DP to tell them and leave it at that. They’re adults, it’s up to them to secure accommodation.

Sadly, sometimes family are just tight. This will be their loss, not yours.

We won’t be paying for them. Our budget is £2,000 and that includes everything - favours etc.

We only have 2 friends (and partners) coming to the wedding, and one of those isn’t staying overnight due to childcare issues. But said friend has said she will be staying til the bar closes (11pm).

We honestly wouldn’t mind if they genuinely couldn’t afford it, but the point is they can. They are very well off compared to the rest of DP and my family. They regularly splash cash on hotels, weekends away, overnight stays. It’s the fact that this is their son’s wedding and they don’t seem all that bothered that irks me the most

I think most people are missing the point, its what @thingsdogetbetter said.

I expect its absolutely nothing to do with the cost. Its a preference to go home and also a reluctance to socialise with a small number of people they don't really know beyond the actual wedding. If they don't find that easy, they are not being unreasonable.

OP i think again as other people said,.its not a reason to fall out with them. Just accept their decision and get on with planning the wedding.

I don’t think it’s asking a lot to want them to stay for a couple of drinks after the meal, is that really asking too much on your wedding day? They have each other to chat to, it’s not like there is only one of them amongst a bunch of strangers. There will be family there! Most people only get married once (hopefully) and I really don’t see this as asking for a lot considering they travel often and stay in hotels often.

Text the sil and inlaws the date they need to book by if they are interested and leave them to sort themselves out

They expected special treatment and haven't received it..
Let them flounce op.
No need in future to prioritise them in any way..

They’ve socialised with my family before at our DC’s birthday parties. And there’ll be more of DP’s family there than mine, so no reason for them to feel awkward.

DP has text SIL and we’re waiting on a reply.

Just to reiterate, we won’t be speaking to them, we’re letting them do whatever they want. This thread is just for me to vent my frustrations

@Russellbrandshair but thats exactly what the PILs have suggested- that they maybe stay for a little while after the meal then leave. The OP says the meal finishes at 7pm or thereabouts. Its one thing to stay for an hour, to say 8pm, with a small group of people, its quite another to do that until kind of bed time (midnight maybe, or later?) if people are staying over.

I’d get DP to speak to them otherwise it will be odd and could spoil your day. Your family will wonder and ask why they are not staying. There’s clearly something going on. Could one be ill and worrying might not be here in 14months or do they feel you are being silly spending money on a wedding in 14m if you have DC already? Could just be tight but sounds like it’s out of character if it has surprised you.

Mumsnet wedding weirdness strikes again!

It's his son's wedding, all he's being asked to contribute is £100/200 over a year and a bit away and it's a price he's shown he can afford.

Not you're not being unreasonable, and I can imagine my PiL doing the same so probably feel this more than some!

Do people not realise that them coming to the wedding doesn't seem to be an issue? I don't think there has been any hint that they wouldn't go.
They just don't want to stay over and really, why should they just because they stay in hotels when they go away? What a weird expectation.
There is no evening event and they are only 40 mins from home. They could stay until the bar closes and still be home by midnight. I doubt they even know what they'll do until the evening of.
Such a non issue. They are going to the wedding folks!

@CJsGoldfish

Do people not realise that them coming to the wedding doesn't seem to be an issue? I don't think there has been any hint that they wouldn't go. They just don't want to stay over and really, why should they just because they stay in hotels when they go away? What a weird expectation. There is no evening event and they are only 40 mins from home. They could stay until the bar closes and still be home by midnight. I doubt they even know what they'll do until the evening of. Such a non issue. They are going to the wedding folks!

I dont think that's the point though, if the FIL had just said oh look we won't bother with staying but thanks for asking then it wouldn't be an issue I'm sure. It's more the fact he's grumbling about having to pay £100 for a room and saying he can't commit to that amount of money even after subsidising SIL wedding.

OP I totally understand why you're feeling irritated by it. I would too. Good luck! Your wedding sounds perfect! X