To not allow my husband to use my car to teach his son to drive?

[Bengal12]

My stepson is taking driving lessons and my husband assumed I would be OK with him using my car to supplement the teaching.
His car is automatic and mine is manual which is what my DSS is learning to drive.
I love my stepson dearly but I think he should learn in the learner vehicle with the instructor. I am not overly precious about my car (a small runaround) but I intend to keep it for the next 8-10 years as I don’t drive much and don’t want to have an awkward situation If anything goes wrong with the clutch etc. I can tell that DH is v disappointed but I even get annoyed when my husband who is not used to driving manual any more stalls it or delays changing gear and ends up revving it up too much. I’ve paid for some of my DSS’s driving lessons but I just don’t want him - or anyone else - using my car as a learner vehicle.
Thoughts?

Also Cheeseandwin5, the op DID pay for her own car so not sure where you've got that from...

I've pondered if I'll let DH drive my car while he's learning. I think I'll have to but I won't like it. I bought my first car at the end of July and practiced in it. I passed in September. When DS passes will he get a car? He could get it earlier for the practice.

Oh good @Cheeseandwin5 I won't have to let DH drive my car then. I paid for the car and all upkeep all by myself so that makes it mine. Thank you for clearing that up, I suspect there's a good chance that OP has financed her car alone too so she's in the clear as well.

I was going to say you are being a bit mean but given you've updated to say you'll be buying him a runaround, then it does make sense to buy it that much sooner.

I'd let him if your DH pays for the insurance. I practiced in my parents' car between lessons and this is the approach we're taking with DS who hasn't had lessons yet due to lockdown but we've taught him the basics in our car. The extra insurance for him was £100 so not too much compared to paying for lessons at £30 each.

@Cheeseandwin5, as I said previously - I paid for my car myself, pay for its maintenance and running costs. My husband pays for his. It does not make a difference that it’s my DSS, I wouldn’t be happy about my DH teaching my DS using my car either. I just don’t think parents should be teaching kids how to drive, unless you are in a rural area. I may have referred to my car as a run around but it was more to refer to it’s size. My husband uses his car, I use mine and I was basically sensible with my money when getting the car. I feel my DH, with his much bigger car that cost twice as much as mine will not look after it well. For example, it’s always my car that he will use when going to the tip of to buy a Xmas tree although his is much bigger. Both cars are roughly the same age.
And I do feel a bit mean saying no but then I paid for 10 classes for my DSS and will be contributing to his car...

@mylittlesandwich, yes he will be getting a car and I will be contributing to it. So I would prefer if my DH just got it a bit sooner for him.

@Bengal12, don't worry, if you take nothing else away from this thread just be glad of the gem 'putting cars over family is just sick'... Maybe even use it when speaking to your husband?

*when telling him no and to have more respect for your things!

I wouldn't let my stepson use my car for practising so think YANBU. If he damages it, that is your premiums that go up, plus it is your car so you don't have to have a reason. Honestly l don't think you are being mean and think it is horrible you are being made to feel guilty.

@Bengal12 I think that makes perfect sense. It didn't even occur to me to ask to drive my mums car. I was probably a bit older than your DSS but I didn't see it as a given that I should be allowed to drive her car. I got a lovely wee car for myself and mum sat with me while I practiced in it. I was also less anxious about damaging it etc because it was my car and would be my issue if I did.

@Pomegranatemolasses, ‘run around’ refers to the size - in comparison to my DH’s much bigger car. Sorry if it was not clear. And to me a 4 year old car is as good as new as I look after my cars well. I had my old car (also a VW) for 12+ years and only sold it because I needed a slightly bigger car as my son grew up and got lankier! So I went a size up but the old car is still in the road - a friend bought it of me. I believe that if you look after things well they last. Can’t stand the throw-away culture.

@pollylocketpickedapocket, 😂 it is ‘sick’ indeed!
But seriously, it’s great to hear the different viewpoints, grateful for people taking the time.

YANBU, I passed my test nearly 3 years ago without any additional driving outside my lessons. I also passed relatively quickly (a big motivator was having to pay for it all myself ) I consider myself to be a decent driver and drove on motorways straight away after buying my car a month after passing my test. I gather it is very common for people to gain outside experience but it isn't essential! My sister did buy a car to gain extra confidence but she was a very anxious learner and it took her a lot longer to learn, for her it was necessary to spend more time on the road in order to pass. I'd agree if he's being bought a little runaround that its better for him to use that than your car.

I was never allowed to drive my parents cars - I got my own cheap runabout and practised in that. Both parents took me out, but it was my car and my responsibility to pay for it.

Chances are manual cars are disappearing fast and of course electric cars won’t have manuals at all. So he can practice in an automatic.

@2020iscancelled

If you can’t afford driving lessons then you can’t afford a car. And you can learn to drive for like £100 for 10 hours, it’s not even expensive any more.

I presume you were joking. How do you think a driving instructor could earn a living on £10 per hour before costs, travel between clients etc.

I think YABU

Lots of people seem to be confusing lessons with practice. If your ds is being taught by an instructor then your dh won't be teaching him, he will be supervising practice.

Our dc learned to drive with an instructor but their instructor stressed the importance of road awareness and practice. The more road time they have, the better their driving skills will be.

Why doesn't your husband get him a £500 runaround to slope round car parks in? That's what I did, because my parents were always needing their cars at odd times as they're both shift workers, so it was hard finding a time to go out. I saved for the car and paid for it, petrol and lessons from my part time job mum and dad covered the insurance

What will happen once he passes his test? Will he use his dad's car or yours then? If he is going to have his own car get that now and he can learn in his own car.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

A learner can't really learn in an automatic, as they'd have to then take an automatic-only test, and would be severely limited in the cars they can then drive.

You say yourself it's just a little run-around. And if it got accidentally damaged during DSS practices, then surely your DP would pay any excess?

I'm a bit confused how you seem to say you don't want DSS to learn in it because you don't use the car too often, because you don't want to damage the clutch?! That makes no sense. You are actually more likely to have problems with a car when you DON'T use it enough. They need to be kept ticking over with a drive once a week ideally.

So, as long as DP pays any excess on any accident your DSS may have, as well as any additional insurance you might need to add a learner to your car. I can't really see a problem. YABU.

"A learner can't really learn in an automatic,"

He's not!

A learner can't really learn in an automatic, as they'd have to then take an automatic-only test, and would be severely limited in the cars they can then drive.

I don't think that's really true anymore. Loads of second hand automatic cars are available these days - it's much more common than it used to be.

That being said, it is nice to have the option of both.

Learning to drive is a really valuable, useful life tool. It opens up opportunities for work, travel and most importantly independence for both parent and child.

As we have always lived rurally, I knew we would have to spend hours of our lives dropping off and picking up children. A price we were happy to pay for living where we live. However all kids (3 DC and 4 Sdc) know that at 17 all were expected to learn to drive .

We've taught 6 of them on the smaller family car as it's easier vehicle to learn on.

It's complete bollocks to say the insurance is really expensive. Our kids were added as learners on both stand-alone policies or the main policy as learners. Never paid more than £30 a month for additional cover.

As for worrying about the car, one of the reasons learner insurance is not expensive is because learners are not a huge statistical risk. They are supervised by an adult, use L plates and people tend to be wary around them and ime as a supervisor to 7 learners over the years, most other road users are kind and tolerant.

Lessons are great but it's practice that gets you through the test and makes you a safe drive. Most of mine have had between 4-6 lessons and 3 months practice .

I think you are looking for reasons to say no without actually having a logical reason to do so. YABU.

So you'll be a 3 car household