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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with my father and feel terrible about it?

100 replies

KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:00

My parents are divorced and I'm 28 years old. As a child my dad took me on holiday a lot. He is single now but he did have another partner he holidayed with for years.

I recently became single after a long relationship and ever since he nags me to go on holiday with him. Last year he did come on a wider family holiday & it was a disaster. He didnt pull his weight with cooking or chores in the accommodation and got quite nasty. This was the tip of the iceberg and we had a huge argument with the result being I resolved never to go away with him again.

After this he seemed to calm down so 6 months later I agreed to a 3 day trip staying at a hotel (just 2 of us this time). Everything mostly fine except I have endometriosis and was feeling exhausted and in pain - I even had to go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. We agreed to go to a nice cafe the next morning for breakfast. But then the next morning he abandoned me to have the hotel breakfast by himself! I still felt awful and tired and we had another disagreement.

Today he brought up going on a trip and I simply told him I wouldnt go with him due to past behaviour. At first he was defensive but then said 'I won't do it again.'

He is lonely and no one wants to go on holiday with him. It eats me up to think he wont get any holidays to go on unless I dont go with him but I dont want to. Yes I'm single now, but I like to go with friends, by myself or on mini breaks with the women in the family. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:03

The other problem I have is that I feel I cant tell him when i take trips with my mother and our family friends. I am considering hiding one such trip next month because I'm worried how he'll react.

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 11/07/2020 20:03

Why doesn’t he solo travel? Go see some sights? Loads of people do it and have a great time. :)

MsVestibule · 11/07/2020 20:05

YADNBU! Time and money spent on holiday is precious and I wouldn't want to waste it on somebody, even a close family member, who had a proven track record of spoiling previous holidays.

It's also weird that he's pressurising you - why would he want to go away with somebody who clearly didn't want to go??

When I had nobody to go on holiday with (I'm now stuck going away with DH and the DCs 🙄) I used to go on singles holidays - they were brilliant!! Can you point him in that direction?

Annabanana1234 · 11/07/2020 20:06

Yanbu. He’s has 2 chances and blown them. Stand firm and tell him no. If he argues then tell him it’s his own fault. Then go away with people you actually know you’ll have a good time with.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:07

He says it would be sad. 'People at work talk about going away with their families and what am I going to say?' That kind of thing.

I love solo travel and personally cant imagine expecting an adult child to keep coming on trips with me.

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:08

It's tricky because we went on a hike today for example and had a great time. He bought me fish and chips and an ice cream
Lovely!

But I still dont want to go away with him on a trip. I feel awkward and guilty about it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/07/2020 20:13

OP, it is not your job to make your father's life better.

He's difficult.
He's not pleasant to go on holiday.
It is not your job to fix him.

Do not be guilted into spending precious holidays with someone who is difficult.

A hike is vastly different to a holiday.
Flowers

VenusClapTrap · 11/07/2020 20:14

I sympathise because I have a difficult father who I go on trips with once in a while, and he can be infuriating. I still do it because he’s my DF and I love him, and they are only long weekends, so I just tolerate the bad behaviour for the short time I’m stuck with it. That’s not to say I don’t call him out on it! But I couldn’t refuse to go. Can you give him a third and final chance, and make it very clear that’s what it is?

LittleDonk · 11/07/2020 20:16

Have you had a proper conversation about what went wrong on the big holiday, and did he understand? What was he doing to be nasty?

DelphiniumBlue · 11/07/2020 20:20

I'm not at all clear what he did wrong on the hotel trip, other than have breakfast in the hotel, and I don't understand why that is an issue at all.
It's not that you don't get on at all, so actually I think it would be a kindness for you to go at least on a short break with him, particularly as you say he took you on holiday a lot when you were younger.
You could say you've already booked up your annual leave but you could go away for a weekend.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:23

We have tried to talk to him about what went wrong on the big holiday and he just shuts it down, saying 'I don't want to talk about that.' He actually called me and another family member some abusive names (never happened before), it was awful.

@VenusClapTrap I am not saying I wont go away with him ever again. But I don't want to go with him this year. The year of a pandemic when a restful relaxing time is more important than it has been before. A PP above said holidays are precious and that is true.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/07/2020 20:23

How old is he?
It's such a shame when a parent relies on a child so much. Perhaps compromise with a weekend away but he really needs encouragement to make new friends which could lead to breaks away.

Spinakker · 11/07/2020 20:24

I think give him one more chance. Time spent with our parents is precious imo. Although they have bad habits you will wish you made the most of this time when he gets too old to travel.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:25

Another thing he did during the hotel trip - after a few drinks in a bar he made a lecherous comment about a girl loud enough for her to hear. She looked mortified (again he had never done this before).

The breakfast thing was bad enough? I was ill and we agreed.to have breakfast together so I could rest a bit longer. His suggestion. He then goes off by himself with no discussion instead- how is that ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:26

He is 56

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:27

He actually spends most of his weekends hill walking with his mates. I wish they'd all go on a trip but I reckon most of them likely have families.

OP posts:
LordOftheRingz · 11/07/2020 20:28

day trips only/

Glitterb · 11/07/2020 20:30

You will regret not saying yes in years to come, I speak as someone who is the same age as you and has lost both parents in 18 months.

Give him one more chance

LadyAddle · 11/07/2020 20:38

If he’s only 56 and into hillwalking, he sounds perfectly capable of enjoying a solo holiday with like-minded people. Could you steer him towards companies like HF holidays or Ramblers which do organised walking holidays in UK & abroad? (Don’t know how COVID-19 may have affected them.) He’s young to be so dependent on you, you could have years of this ahead of you.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 11/07/2020 20:40

I'd give him another chance too. It sounds like he doesn't want to be reminded of his past behaviour so he could well want to prove it will be different this time.

You had a great day together today. He might want to make sure you have a holiday to remember.

PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 20:46

He expects women to do caring for him, to organise fun for him, to make things "pleasant" for him. As he has no romantic prospects presently, the lucky woman he has chosen to do all this physical and emotional labour...is you.

You have the absolute right to decline his offer of such a rubbish opportunity.

PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 20:48

The fish and chips day out was a good old love bomb hoover, in the hope that he'll weaken your resolve and you'll return to being in service as his tour guide, maid, cook and nurse, rolled into one.

Ragwort · 11/07/2020 20:52

Honestly he sounds totally wet, I am older than him and perfectly capable of enjoying holidays on my own, I really wouldn't want to go away with my own DS, we are at totally different stages in our life and it wouldn't to work for either of us. You are not responsible for providing 'entertainment' for your Dad Hmm.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:57

Ha @PicsInRed he actually did say the phrase 'you could be my tour guide' on a trip!! My idea of relaxation, not.

He doesn't expect me to be maid or anything like that but I do feel I am supposed to be the on call person to holiday with. What @LadyAddle says I exactly my concern. I reckon he will be around for a long time to come and I dont want to feel under obligation to holiday with him all the time.

By the way he only asks me to go on holiday when I'm not with a partner!

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 21:05

I do also suspect the fish and chips etc was a love bombing. And that I'm going to be asked about this again the next time I see him.

If that becomes the way of things I dont know how I will ever relax and enjoy my time with him. He spent most of last year badgering me about a holiday every time I saw him. Every single time.

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