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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with my father and feel terrible about it?

100 replies

KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:00

My parents are divorced and I'm 28 years old. As a child my dad took me on holiday a lot. He is single now but he did have another partner he holidayed with for years.

I recently became single after a long relationship and ever since he nags me to go on holiday with him. Last year he did come on a wider family holiday & it was a disaster. He didnt pull his weight with cooking or chores in the accommodation and got quite nasty. This was the tip of the iceberg and we had a huge argument with the result being I resolved never to go away with him again.

After this he seemed to calm down so 6 months later I agreed to a 3 day trip staying at a hotel (just 2 of us this time). Everything mostly fine except I have endometriosis and was feeling exhausted and in pain - I even had to go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. We agreed to go to a nice cafe the next morning for breakfast. But then the next morning he abandoned me to have the hotel breakfast by himself! I still felt awful and tired and we had another disagreement.

Today he brought up going on a trip and I simply told him I wouldnt go with him due to past behaviour. At first he was defensive but then said 'I won't do it again.'

He is lonely and no one wants to go on holiday with him. It eats me up to think he wont get any holidays to go on unless I dont go with him but I dont want to. Yes I'm single now, but I like to go with friends, by myself or on mini breaks with the women in the family. AIBU?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 21:06

Ha@PicsInRedhe actually did say the phrase 'you could be my tour guide' on a trip!!

He's a predictable wee duck. Grin

He doesn't expect me to be maid or anything like that

But he doesn't "carry his weight" so basically expects others to run after him with food and picking up.

I reckon he will be around for a long time to come and I dont want to feel under obligation to holiday with him all the time.

I'd be much more worried about elder care, and requests to move in with you in the next 10 years or so. ⚠️ 😱

As I said. A predictable wee duck.

PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 21:09

I dont know how I will ever relax and enjoy my time with him. He spent most of last year badgering me about a holiday every time I saw him. Every single time.

You dont have to spend time with someone who badgers you - even a parent.

I would google "low contact" and "grey rock" and see if those techniques might be useful for you. 💐

VenusClapTrap · 11/07/2020 21:28

56?! Blimey, mine’s 75 which is why I tolerate the bad behaviour. I’m very much in ‘make the most of the time he’s got’ mode; plus he’s unlikely to meet a new life partner now.

Firmly tell him you will go away with him next year (or insert a time frame that is acceptable to you). Let him make concrete plans so he has something to look forward to. But he is young enough to find friends to do stuff with, and shouldn’t be guilting you.

That said, be careful with expecting him to be around a long time. I lost my dm at 58, and I’d expected her to be around a long time too.

BluebellForest836 · 11/07/2020 21:49

I do also suspect the fish and chips etc was a love bombing

Is this even a thing. Ffs. He’s your dad and bought you lunch.

I don’t even see what was such a big deal about the hotel thing. So what? He had breakfast without you, he was probably hungry and you wanted to rest.

He’s your dad. He clearly loves you.

MulticolourMophead · 11/07/2020 21:52

@KatDubs261

He is 56
That's not old. He's younger than my ex, and older than me.

And I'm looking forwards to taking solo trips.

You will regret not saying yes in years to come, I speak as someone who is the same age as you and has lost both parents in 18 months.

I lost my mum a couple of years ago, and still have no regrets about not holidaying with her. Loved her dearly, but we couldn't do a holiday together, it would never have worked. We tried it a long time ago, and never again.

OTOH, have been away with my dad, and it was fine. Just because someone is a parent, that's not a reason to try and do stuff with them that you don't want to do. There are other ways of making the most of your time with them.

Mary46 · 11/07/2020 21:53

Maybe day trip only.
I dont take my mam away its all about her, her own way, her way or highway. Sulks when we go away. Now nobody tells her stuff now. The person has to do a bit for themselves too

fuckoffImcounting · 11/07/2020 21:55

As someone much older than your Dad, I would rather shoot myself in the head than be this kind of needy parent, tell him to fuck the fuck off with his clingy ways, find some mates his own age.

PicsInRed · 11/07/2020 22:14

He’s your dad. He clearly loves you.

Oh my sweet summer child.

Greenpolkadot · 11/07/2020 22:17

Look op.. You've given it your best shot twice and it didn't work out. You aren't responsible for entertaining him. And you can bet your life if he found himself a girlfriend he'd be holidaying with her

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 22:21

I know that @Greenpolkadot. He didn't ask me to take holidays with him while he was in a relationship!

I'm a bit surprised at the people saying the hotel breakfast wasnt a big deal. Maybe not in the grand scheme.of things. But we had agreed to go a specific cafe for breakfast on our last day, that was the plan. Then he goes and has breakfast by himself. So then I already feeling rubbish and unwell had to sit and have breakfast by myself. I dont think it was ok, I generally dont holiday with another person to eat by myself. It was only a few days.

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 11/07/2020 22:25

Why don't you go away together but have separate hotel rooms?

That way you can get away from each other when you need to. Maybe if you had that kind of holiday you could increase his confidence so he is OK to holiday solo?

Fanthorpe · 11/07/2020 22:27

you’re not his consolation prize, you don’t need an excuse, if you don’t want to go on holiday with your dad then you shouldn’t.

He’s 56 fgs, he should be living his life!

HollowTalk · 11/07/2020 22:28

I don't think he wants to go on holiday with you, so much, as to go with someone. I think he'd enjoy a Ramblers holiday abroad - there are always single people on those holidays.

MondeoFan · 11/07/2020 22:36

I think you should try and go with him. People are difficult and sometimes it is hard but I think it's nice for both of you to go away together. He's still young, shame for him not to go when you could go together. Nice to appreciate him taking you when you were younger

isthiswalter · 12/07/2020 07:56

If he likes hill walking, send him the ramblers worldwide brochure! We've been on their holidays and they are fab, plus full of solo travellers. None of them are there looking to find a new wife, they aren't "singles" holidays as such but out of our group last year about 60% of them were travelling alone.

littlefireseverywhere · 12/07/2020 08:05

An overnight trip in a Saturday night could be the answer. Short, no holiday needed for you & not together long enough for him to annoy you.

Warmer20Days · 12/07/2020 08:52

Since my DM passed away, I've been on holidays with my DF, but we are older

We have been for days out, mid week breaks & weeks away

We haven't done self catering ( not much of a holiday)

At the beginning my DF choose the holiday place & I booked the accommodation.
I know the things that he enjoys, so we have planned more trips

We split the cost

When on holiday, we do things together. Sometimes we do things separately eg I will go for a swim, he will do something else

I have holidays with other people too

My DF doesn't go on other holidays

We have many good memories & photos together

I would suggest starting with days out & mini breaks

whiteroseredrose · 12/07/2020 09:00

Your DF is only a couple of years older than me!

He's a walker which is great. A friend's DM used to go on walking holidays all over Europe. Everyone was single but it was not a singles holiday if you know what I mean. It was a week away with like minded people. Interesting chat over dinner then back to your own (no single supplement) room for a good sleep before the next day's walk.

Would that be an option for your DF?

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2020 09:21

I'm nearly the same age as him and holiday alone, as well as with family. We always make it clear what we each want out of the holiday, before we book. Any nonsense while away, is immediately shut down.

We have booked for next year. I want a day to myself (to sightsee at a particular place) and I will do one full day, one full night and one evening babysitting. I'm always hands on with everything, but want time off.

This holiday is the last chance for one family member. Any issues and they won't be invited again. Holidays are too precious and we might not have time, in the future.

@Glitterb
"You will regret not saying yes in years to come"
Hopefully we all lose our parents. I certainly don't want to have to attend a funeral for any of my children. We don't have to put up and nor should be with verbal abuse and being treated badly. He isn't too old to be stuck in his ways, or not know that sexual harassment isn't ok.

There needs to be clear boundaries put down before (if) you go and it being made clear that you are giving it one more go and if anything happens, that's it.

Warmer20Days · 12/07/2020 09:33

56 is different to 76 or 86

If your DF enjoys walking, there are plenty of long walk holidays. Some companies will take your big bag between places of rest for a fee & you walk with a smaller rucksack

I'm thinking of doing a short break boating holiday with mine

Pemba · 12/07/2020 09:44

For goodness sake, you are not obliged to go on holiday with your dad! I've not been away with my parents since I was eighteen, because we have very different ideas of what makes a good holiday, so we all know it wouldn't work out. Yet we see each other regularly, spend Xmas together etc and get on fine.

There's absolutely no need to feel 'eaten up' with guilt because he won't get a holiday without you. That's his problem, he's had his chances and he blew it! He's hardly some poor little old man anyway.

Holidays are not essential to life anyway. I think you are attaching too much importance to this.

sonjadog · 12/07/2020 09:57

I wouldn't go if I were you. I go on holiday with my Mum and she drives me up the wall, but she is 78 years old and I can see the time is limited. Your father is in a completely different age group and will hopefully have decades of holidaying in front of him. I would stick to saying no and encourage him to look at group and singles holidays. Encourage him to go out and meet other people and not depend on you sorting out his holidays.

billy1966 · 12/07/2020 10:04

OP, 56 is not old, be very careful of setting a precedent with such a young man.

I agree with sending him links to walking clubs/single rambler holidays.

Stick to your days out!

Cherrysoup · 12/07/2020 10:09

I think you need to shut him down permanently by telling him you won’t be going on a holiday with him. There are loads of singleton style holidays for people who like walking. Maybe find out about one and tell him about it? Not that his happiness is your responsibility, but you need to stop him asking. Alternatively, be brave and tell him what you’ve told us.

LannieDuck · 12/07/2020 10:17

I'm sorry OP, but he doesn't sound very nice. There's a reason he's finding it difficult to find someone to go on holiday with - you reap as you sow.

What he wants isn't more important than what you want.