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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with my father and feel terrible about it?

100 replies

KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:00

My parents are divorced and I'm 28 years old. As a child my dad took me on holiday a lot. He is single now but he did have another partner he holidayed with for years.

I recently became single after a long relationship and ever since he nags me to go on holiday with him. Last year he did come on a wider family holiday & it was a disaster. He didnt pull his weight with cooking or chores in the accommodation and got quite nasty. This was the tip of the iceberg and we had a huge argument with the result being I resolved never to go away with him again.

After this he seemed to calm down so 6 months later I agreed to a 3 day trip staying at a hotel (just 2 of us this time). Everything mostly fine except I have endometriosis and was feeling exhausted and in pain - I even had to go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. We agreed to go to a nice cafe the next morning for breakfast. But then the next morning he abandoned me to have the hotel breakfast by himself! I still felt awful and tired and we had another disagreement.

Today he brought up going on a trip and I simply told him I wouldnt go with him due to past behaviour. At first he was defensive but then said 'I won't do it again.'

He is lonely and no one wants to go on holiday with him. It eats me up to think he wont get any holidays to go on unless I dont go with him but I dont want to. Yes I'm single now, but I like to go with friends, by myself or on mini breaks with the women in the family. AIBU?

OP posts:

Mary46 · 12/07/2020 10:21

If you start it he might expect it yearly. Mine is difficult but no changing her now 78. So the topic is not brought up!!!

bakereld · 12/07/2020 10:35

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Dad early 50s, divorced, no partner, few friends, and I'm an only child. He started taking me on holidays with him, initially they were great, and I am thankful, but eventually our ideas of what holidays we wanted grew apart. I had limited holiday days at work and wanted to use with DP. I also realised how much my dad was depending on me for his entertainment, and put pressure on me to see him most weekends (if he turned up). I decided to change, and felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Eventually he got the message, he sulked and went distant for a while. However it's not your responsibility to entertain your dad. He is young enough to make friends, find a new partner ect or go on solo holidays if he wants to go on holiday that much! No parent should put pressure on their own kid.

My dad now has a new partner thank god, and goes on trips with her now. Our relationship is better because of this.

Heyhih3 · 12/07/2020 10:39

Stick to your guns OP you have good reason to. Holidays with family don’t always work.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 12/07/2020 11:35

Last year his father died and they have a very difficult relationship. He seemed to go off the rails and many relatives agreed his type character seemed totally different. But maybe he is just difficult on holidays now. He never used to be like this.

I also think he has been single for a while now and got used to it. Sometimes he will ask how i am, how is work and everything. Some days we have a great time. But other days he hogs the conversation and I feel like I'm fighting to get a word in. He is like this with everyone and it gets exhausting.

He's got plenty of friends. In fact he spends most of his weekends and weekdays with them - holidays are a different story.

I think many PPs are right that I will set a precedent now if I agree to a holiday every year. It make will him think he can pressure me in to it eventually. I shouldn't have to keep saying no either, why cant he respect my boundaries?

And its not just him! My mother wants to take a trip with me most years as well. The difference is she doesnt apply endless pressure and has other people to go with.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/07/2020 11:42

He's only 56. Tell him to book a group trip where he can meet new people. If my 79 year old Dad can holiday on his own anyone can.

inthelounge · 12/07/2020 11:50

Men can go on holiday much more easily than women I think. If not a group trip.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 12/07/2020 11:54

I reckon part of the reason he is reluctant is because he's an introvert at heart. Talks your face off when he actually knows you.

I remember even as a child we'd go on some group holidays with new people and at 10 years old i'd be the one making new friends at the table!

He cant just expect me to keep stepping in because he doesnt want to move outside his comfort level.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 12/07/2020 12:00

@KatDubs261

I reckon part of the reason he is reluctant is because he's an introvert at heart. Talks your face off when he actually knows you.

I remember even as a child we'd go on some group holidays with new people and at 10 years old i'd be the one making new friends at the table!

He cant just expect me to keep stepping in because he doesnt want to move outside his comfort level.

Have you considered Aspergers in your father? Does he have "special interests" he bangs on about? Could there be clubs of like minded men he could get involved with?

Regardless, I still say don't ever subject yourself to any further miserable holidays and never, ever allow him to move in with you.

fitflopqueen · 12/07/2020 12:19

Gosh i am nearly the same age as your dad although married. I am happy to go and travel alone or with others (not necessarily husband) and have always been able to do so since being married - very long ago.

If you were my daughter I would encourage you to go do your own thing and only share holiday time if you genuinely wanted too. I know both my young adult children would jump at the chance of a week somewhere coastal with us (if paid by M & D) but can't see it happening this year.

Mary46 · 12/07/2020 12:54

My aunt goes with her daughter but she very easy to get on with. My mam sulks if not her way. Bloody nightmare

FredaFox · 12/07/2020 13:00

It may be difficult but as a pp says you’ll regret in years to come
I’ve been at my mums since lockdown as she is shielding with poor mobility
Quite truthfully I’m ready to kill her some days, she’s selfish and demanding and I’m exhausted however after losing my dad a few years ago I know in the future I’ll be happy I’ve didn’t this time with her
Though I’m desperate right now to have more than 20 mins in the shower and a few hours to myself not feeling like hired help
Anyway my point is give it another go and try and set some rules, also have time apart on your trip.
A weekend will be fine if not stressful at times

FredaFox · 12/07/2020 13:01

Had not didn’t
Damn phone

BitOfANameChange · 12/07/2020 14:27

@KatDubs261

I reckon part of the reason he is reluctant is because he's an introvert at heart. Talks your face off when he actually knows you.

I remember even as a child we'd go on some group holidays with new people and at 10 years old i'd be the one making new friends at the table!

He cant just expect me to keep stepping in because he doesnt want to move outside his comfort level.

I can relate to this somewhat. My ex (who is a few years older than your dad) has no friends, and when we were together expected me to be his sole entertainment, conversationalist, etc. It could be exhausting at times. (He doesn't have SN, he's just an abusive narc. No one else actually likes him, I've since found.)

I've been on holiday with my dad since mum died, it worked because while we did things together, we also did things separately, and my dad isn't demanding. I couldn't have gone on holiday with mum, when she was alive, she was a very different character.

Given the ages, I suspect you are just a few years older than my DC. I wouldn't be expecting to go on holiday with them when they're older, unless they wanted to, as they'll have different ideas as to what constitutes a holiday. And in your case, it sounds like your dad is leaning on you for companionship. He's too young for that, so the suggestions for group holidays sound a good idea.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 12/07/2020 14:46

Yes @PicsInRed I think he has Aspergers. Relatives share the same view. He is very passionate about specific topics but often all of our conversations are centred around what he wants to talk about. The other side of that is he actually quite an interesting person to spend time with.

He is not good at small talk with new people.

I'm still only 28 and I dont want to become a companion to my parents. I dont mind the occasional trip for a short period. But I got the legal average for holidays and I dont want to spend whole weeks with my parents.

OP posts:

LoafingLiz · 12/07/2020 14:53

He's a shit parent. Nobody should put their son or daughter under pressure to go away with them.

I have taken my dad away because I wanted to, he wouldn't dream of asking and he would never assume.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 12/07/2020 15:11

No way would I waste precious time and money on a holiday that I know I wouldn't enjoy

Hes had.plenty.chances. why should you have to shell out for a holiday that he might spoil again

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 12/07/2020 15:24

He isn't a shit parent. Growing up I was always closer to my dad until the last few years. He is always there for me when I need him.

But I agree this is shitty and selfish behaviour. It has been going on for the last year - ever since I broke up with my ex. He thinks my holiday time is fair game and up for grabs.

I think I need to say we can go away for a weekend at some point but not right now and not this year. I am sick of feeling responsible for his happiness.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 12/07/2020 15:24

'I'm still only 28 and I dont want to become a companion to my parents. '

Totally understandable OP. Please ignore the guilt trippers on this thread who are insisting that you will have future regrets if you dont do his bidding now. You've tried holidays with him, it sounds like you had a horrible time, and got a mouthful of abuse when you confronted him about it. No. You are not his carer, you are not responsible for him, and you are entitled to holidays that you look forward to and have some hope of enjoying. If you feel you can do day trips or hikes or whatever then great, but draw the line wherever it feels comfortable for you

Laiste · 12/07/2020 15:34

56 !!?? I thought you were going to say 75+.

For the love of God he's not much older than me and i've got 4 kids - one is still 6 years old - and i'd NEVER make any of them feel they owed me anything. Especially a social life or a way to have a holiday!!

My older ones are early 20s and they still rely on ME for lots of stuff not the other way around and i intend it to stay that way until i'm doddering. They aren't responsible for my happiness. I'm outraged thinking about this.

56 ....... ye gods what's wrong with the man?

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 12/07/2020 15:37

I do feel sorry for him in a way. The last woman he was with didnt treat him very well (a cheat) and he said last year he never expected to be alone at this age. He says he regrets being selfish during his marriage to my mum which ended in divorce.

But there is no reason why I should have to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to go away with him. He keeps talking about the trips we took when I was a child but I'm not a child anymore.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2020 15:47

"We have tried to talk to him about what went wrong on the big holiday and he just shuts it down, saying 'I don't want to talk about that.' "
To which my response would be 'Neither do I, but you've got fuck-all chance of persuading me to holiday with you until we do.' He wants, he has to give too.

Don't feel guilty about this, he is in a situation of his own making. When he says "he regrets being selfish during his marriage to my mum which ended in divorce" I'd be pointing out he can't regret it that much as he's still being selfish and expecting to have YOUR holiday entitlement to use for HIS holidays.

Seriously Kat you are quite right to not want to waste precious annual holiday entitlement. Time off work is meant to recharge our batteries, give us relaxation, allow us time to indulge a passion. Your dad is only 56 (younger than me!) and he is frankly being a bit of an arse about this.

Lottapianos · 12/07/2020 16:02

'He keeps talking about the trips we took when I was a child but I'm not a child anymore.'

Hold onto this OP, and keep reminding yourself of it. Hes nostalgic for the days when he had a young family and was busy and occupied all the time. This, combined with expecting you to use your annual leave in a way that he dictates, shows that he still sees you as a child who he can make decisions for. I've had this from my own parents and it does not feel good. You're an adult with your own life, and you can make your own decisions about how you spend your precious free time

ukgift2016 · 12/07/2020 16:07

I thought you were talking about a man in his 70/80s. 56 is young!

Stick to your boundaries.

yearinyearout · 12/07/2020 16:11

I have the opposite problem, an adult dc who always wants to come away with us! We don't even like the same type of holidays so we would have to compromise what we do, making it not much of a holiday.

sonjadog · 12/07/2020 16:13

He is still the selfish man he was with your mother, isn't he? Except now it is you he is being inconsiderate of instead of your mother. His regrets haven't actually changed his behaviour. Keep saying no.

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