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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with my father and feel terrible about it?

100 replies

KatDubs261 · 11/07/2020 20:00

My parents are divorced and I'm 28 years old. As a child my dad took me on holiday a lot. He is single now but he did have another partner he holidayed with for years.

I recently became single after a long relationship and ever since he nags me to go on holiday with him. Last year he did come on a wider family holiday & it was a disaster. He didnt pull his weight with cooking or chores in the accommodation and got quite nasty. This was the tip of the iceberg and we had a huge argument with the result being I resolved never to go away with him again.

After this he seemed to calm down so 6 months later I agreed to a 3 day trip staying at a hotel (just 2 of us this time). Everything mostly fine except I have endometriosis and was feeling exhausted and in pain - I even had to go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. We agreed to go to a nice cafe the next morning for breakfast. But then the next morning he abandoned me to have the hotel breakfast by himself! I still felt awful and tired and we had another disagreement.

Today he brought up going on a trip and I simply told him I wouldnt go with him due to past behaviour. At first he was defensive but then said 'I won't do it again.'

He is lonely and no one wants to go on holiday with him. It eats me up to think he wont get any holidays to go on unless I dont go with him but I dont want to. Yes I'm single now, but I like to go with friends, by myself or on mini breaks with the women in the family. AIBU?

OP posts:

okiedokieme · 12/07/2020 16:24

It's a hard one because he obviously is good company sometimes. I would suggest trying a trip but set out specific parameters eg hotel with breakfast included so he can eat earlier if he wants, and decide on evening meals that are suitable for both of you. Stick to 2 nights. My mum isn't easy away but I have found that if I make it clear it ends up being a good trip

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 21:16

Oh my god he actually phoned me to ask how he should work the cooker in his own house tonight!!

Honestly I just moved home after living abroad for years and the space was bliss. I feel hopping on a plane - one way ticket!!

OP posts:

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 21:29

This is why bigger than the holiday. It has got to the point where he contacts me every day and asking me how to work something in his own house is taking the piss. I am really annoyed, why is he behaving like a child?

I honestly cant live my life this. I am suffocating.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 21:31

@KatDubs261

Oh my god he actually phoned me to ask how he should work the cooker in his own house tonight!!

Honestly I just moved home after living abroad for years and the space was bliss. I feel hopping on a plane - one way ticket!!

I repeat. Do not allow him to move in with you.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 21:35

@KatDubs261

I honestly cant live my life this. I am suffocating.

...because he's trying to move in with you. 🤷‍♀️

All of this has been an enormous grooming exercise to lead you towards housing, feeding and cleaning up after him.

I have a sense that he cheated on both his ex and your mother. His statements are almost half confessions of this.

He was a selfish user of women and he still is - now with his adult daughter.

Don't be his carer. Google low contact and I would highly recommend you implement it.

ThePlantsitter · 13/07/2020 21:37

You totally shouldn't go. I have found it best to be as direct as possible with my difficult parent. Bear in mind 'as direct as possible' is not always that direct, depending on my level of strength!! In this case I think I'd say 'I love our days out but I don't think we holiday well together. So I'm not going to go with you.' then you just have to ride the wave of guilt coming from him and yourself. Surfin' Safari style.

I definitely don't think you should feel you have to btw.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 21:45

@ThePlantsitter I did tell him. On Sunday he asked me to go with him and I replied 'I wont be going.' He seemed taken aback, asked why. I told him because of previous behaviour and he got defensive. Eventually backed down so I go as far as booking it while hes in nice mode.

I lived abroad and heard basically nothing from him for 4 years. Ever since I moved home he has been unbelievably clingy. I am struggling with it as we were always close but I am not a replacement partner!

OP posts:

Mary46 · 13/07/2020 22:03

God very intense. My mam ranted nobody brings her places. I told her she was difficult a few years back. Not easy say it. Mood then mid 70s. Be wary Kat he gets like her!! Her way or no way

sonjadog · 13/07/2020 22:29

My Mum sometimes does the cooker thing when I am visiting her. I pretend to be busy with something and wander off. Her memory miraculously works as normal as soon as I am not there.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 22:30

It is so weird @Mary46 because he was not like this before! He has become ott clingy and suffocating over the last year. Before this he was a chilled parent I saw and kept in touch with at a normal rate.

I think I need to get serious about boundaries. Women are so used to being nice and placating everyone all the time. I don't understand what is behind this behaviour but I simply dont want to live like this. I am going to take a step back and if he asks me about it I will have to be honest.

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 13/07/2020 22:33

Oh yes, I see I didn't read your op properly sorry. Just a case of riding the wave then. You are absolutely entitled not to go on holiday with him and the chances are if he got a better offer he wouldn't insist, either (no offence).

Mary46 · 13/07/2020 22:37

Awkward. Has he any hobbies? He quite young. My mam is clingy. I dont reply texts as quick now. Then she start ring at kids dinner times. You wouldnt ring her at hers lol. Feel for you. I did counselling found it great.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 22:41

Yeah he has messaged several times tonight I've ignored them all and muted him lol.

No offence taken. I reckon if his friends wanted a holiday with him he'd be away with them in no time at all. He has plenty of hobbies. I dont know why he is harassing me.

I actually had a come to jesus talk with him efore christmas. I said if things continued as they were I would have to look at reducing contact between us although it would grieve me to do it. It seems like he has forgotten the conversation.

OP posts:

JammyHands · 13/07/2020 22:44

Good grief OP, he's several years younger than me and I happily go off on holiday alone for several weeks at a time. 56 is not old and he doesn't need you to look after him. Companies like Cosmos do guided tours all over the world. He can go as part of a group if he wants company. If you don't sort this out now, he'll be expecting you to go on holiday with him for the next 30 years

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 22:50

I think I will need to have a proper talk with him the next time he raises it. Lay all cards on the table. I am very independent as you raised me to be and have spent years living in other countries and travelling. I will continue to do this and dont like feeling pressured to go on trips every year.

Not saying that we wont sometimes but he has to start thinking about other options. I reckon he thinks he can talk me in to these trips if he just keeps nudging over time which I see as manipulation. I need to make it clear that he can't and if he persists I will hold true on what I said about reducing contact.

OP posts:

Mary46 · 13/07/2020 22:56

I started saying its not up for discussion. She would keep pushing it. She not brought away as she such bloody hard work!!

ButteryPuffin · 13/07/2020 23:27

I would tell him you will not discuss it again until he has booked, paid for and been on some kind of group holiday - either with his hobby group or one of the interest-based / singles / over 50s type ones where the aim is to get to know new people. Say he has to try that first. With a bit of luck that will turn out to be what he's looking for anyway.

Ragwort · 14/07/2020 07:45

It's so depressing to read about these parents who are so reliant on their children for emotional support, I am over 60 and would never dream of even wanting to go on holiday with my DS (Certainly not after four months of lockdown!) my elderly (87) mother has a wide circle of friends and interests, we enjoy each other's company but are in no way emotionally reliant on each other.

billy1966 · 14/07/2020 08:33

God love you OP, he sounds like an awful PITA.
He's younger than my husband and men I know, yet is behaving like a helpless man in his 80's... and actually I know some very independent men of that age!

He sounds like a very selfish man who is solely focused on his needs.

You sound like a great woman who needs to be utterly ruthless in telling him the lay of the land.

Pull back.

Is he grooming you to be his carer?

Pull very far back.

You have your life to live.

ukgift2016 · 14/07/2020 10:18

Do you think OP your father is treating you like a substitute wife? In regards to holidaying together, asking your help for cooking?

It is good you are able to reflect on your father unreasonable behaviour. I would signpost him to activities and social groups in the community, and be very firm about your boundaries. Also take a step back, to maintain those healthy boundaries.

Do not feel guilty about this. Your father is a 'young' man really, he does not need to be relying on his daughter. I would also suggest you tell him to see a doctor about his anxieties and why he suddenly become so clingy to you.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 14/07/2020 13:13

I do feel I'm being treated like a substitute wife yes.

He has plenty to keep him occupied in terms of hobbies. It is mainly just holidays he guilt trips me about endlessly.

I will need to become firm with my boundaries as you say. I shouldn't feel bad or guilty because he is the wrong that is in the wrong. I just need to keep telling myself this!!

OP posts:

Mary46 · 14/07/2020 13:32

He quite clingy for a young age. My mam behaved this way but late 70s. It creeps in slowly oh no rush home stay over if u wish but I keep routine strict now. Job/dog/kids excuses help. Her niece ask do her girls take her away. Ffs!!

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 14/07/2020 14:37

Oh my dad did this at the weekend! Asked me to stay over and I declined.

I actually started to suspect dementia last year. Due to the personality change and repeating things. He saw a doctor about other things and was fine apparently but I do sometimes wonder.

I think maybe he just fears old age in general and is acting out. His father lived to his 90s so if that is anything to go by!

OP posts:

Pretenditsaplan · 14/07/2020 15:20

he said last year he never expected to be alone at this age. He says he regrets being selfish during his marriage to my mum which ended in divorce.

So he hasnt changed personality hes still being selfish. Its just now he hasnt got a partner to direct that to he believes wholeheartededly you need to fill that role. Take your cues from your mum and shut that shit down. There is options out there he could do on his own. He could ask about his mates about the odd weekends away. None if this is your responsibility. As for the constantly asking just keep referring him back to google. Hes 56 and theres no excuse for him not to at least attempt to look it up online.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2020 20:56

"Oh my god he actually phoned me to ask how he should work the cooker in his own house tonight!!"

Now he's really taking the piss. I hope you told him it's his cooker, his problem.

Seriously, he's 56. Younger than me. I'd be blunt -'Dad, your recent behaviour - do you think it's dementia?' I'd make him bloody afraid to pull that stunt again.

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