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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told son to leave the house

94 replies

Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 13:59

Our son (23) has to shield until 31st July (we are in Scotland) and today he has said he is going to stay with his best friend who he hasn’t seen since February. Neither myself nor my husband drive, his friend lives quite a bit away so he would have to get public transport. We also have 2 other children. DH has told our son not to come back and I’m not sure if we have done the right thing or not but basically his attitude today has been the thing that’s broke the camels back!

We have all been very very careful with Covid because of my son and we feel he has just stuck 2 fingers up at us with saying he is going out. We did ask him to wait just 3 more weeks, reminded him we have done everything we can to keep him safe, neither my husband or myself have seen any friends and neither have my other 2 children and all this has been done to reduce the chances of any of us getting the infection And passing it into my son. We have been getting our food delivered, my son has received the letters from the NHS, he has an appointment at the hospital next week and has to get his bloods taken every 2 weeks from the doctors and we pointed out that not only is he putting himself and his family in danger but also the health professionals who are doing everything they can do keep him and every other sick person safe. His answer was “well it won’t make any difference if I go to now or in 3 weeks”. I explained the reason he has to isolate unto, the 31st is because restrictions have been lifted and the government need to see how the R rate will be and if infections rise. He wasn’t interested just said he was going and we couldn’t stop him.

As I said this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day. DH and I are still working (I work from home), so he is keeping us up as he isn’t quiet.

I don’t know where he will go, I think he might actually think he can just come back to the house but my husband is adamant he hasn’t to come back, he might go to his grand but his gran is over 70 so he shouldn’t be going to hers either and she does see her other grandchildren who are babies sometimes. I think she along with some of DH’s other siblings may try to put pressure on us to take him back but husband says he isn’t budging, he is sick of sons attitude. What would you all suggest?

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 14:00

That should say he is going to stay with his best friend for the weekend as they are going to a “social gathering” AKA a party

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2020 14:02

It's time your son learns about consequences. He leaves, he stays gone. The choice is his. Where is he getting the money to take this trip?

Original poster

Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 14:08

He gets universal credit. He was working as agency staff before furlough for a certain amount of time so he is getting furlough money from that too, he was only working 4 hours a day so the money wasn’t much so the universal credit tops it up.

I know myself we needed to do something as it was getting ridiculous the way he was being disrespectful to myself and his dad.
It won’t stop me worrying about him though as I really don’t know where he will go or how he will get to the hospital next week. My sister has a car but she doesn’t use it during the week so she was giving it to me for me to take my son to hospital next week.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2020 14:10

Your son is 23, op, not 12. He will manage. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

villamariavintrapp · 11/07/2020 14:11

Yes I just had to reread to check his age. This is his decision, he'll have to sort something out.

Plumplumbadum · 11/07/2020 14:14

Why are you doing all the worrying, he's 23. It's about time he grew up and got on with it.
He knows the consequences and now must deal with them.

rosiejaune · 11/07/2020 14:15

He doesn't have to shield, it is advice, which he has decided not to act on any longer. As is his right.

You can't care about him that much if you want him to be homeless just because he visits a friend.

Aloethere · 11/07/2020 14:17

@rosiejaune

He doesn't have to shield, it is advice, which he has decided not to act on any longer. As is his right.

You can't care about him that much if you want him to be homeless just because he visits a friend.

I agree with this to be honest. Making him homeless because he doesn't obey your rules comes across as controlling not caring.

Charleyhorses · 11/07/2020 14:18

I think a 23 year old has done well to hold out so long tbh. It must feel like an endless thing at that age. Whether you let him back or not, try to see it from his point of view.

StripeyBananas · 11/07/2020 14:19

@Plumplumbadum

Why are you doing all the worrying, he's 23. It's about time he grew up and got on with it. He knows the consequences and now must deal with them.

It's ok to worry about your grown up children!

SmudgeButt · 11/07/2020 14:20

Why has he had a letter from the NHS and having his blood taken every 2 weeks? Does he have something nasty?? If so he's the one most at risk if he goes out to a party.

MouthBreathingRage · 11/07/2020 14:20

Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day.

Is there anything that triggered this behaviour? Did he get a bit lost after school?

To be honest, it might be a good thing for him to go and see a friend, but it would be respectful for him to make sure he wears a mask on transport and only meet the friend outside. Otherwise it might be good for you all to start getting out again if he's decided that his shielding is over. Lockdown can blow a lot of things out of proportion, I think kicking him out is an example of this.

romeolovedjulliet · 11/07/2020 14:27

@MouthBreathingRage

Is there anything that triggered this behaviour? Did he get a bit lost after school?

the son is 23 not school age

MouthBreathingRage · 11/07/2020 14:31

@romeolovedjulliet I am able to read thank you. I know 23 isn't school-aged, however the fact he's started to behave like this 'in the last few years' suggests that he wasn't always like this, and something may have happened to cause him to disengage from life and starting to grow up like others his age.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 11/07/2020 14:37

He doesn’t have to shield, neither do you. It sounds like you need to get out a bit too. You can’t stay locked in forever, and I think you sound very controlling telling him not to come back to be honest.

midsummabreak · 11/07/2020 14:39

Leave the door open; don’t allow your husband’s anger to banish your son to homelessness.

BeanbagMcTavish · 11/07/2020 14:44

He is well old enough to grow up and take responsibility for his decisions. That includes dealing with the consequences. You have spelt out to him what the consequences will be, so I would stick to that and let him get on with it and sort himself out.

He sounds selfish and immature tbh, and like he could do with learning how to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk when it comes to independence.

Lunar567 · 11/07/2020 14:46

The risk of infection in Scotland is so small I think you are overreacting.
Your son need human interaction so do you and your husband and your children.

Elsiebear90 · 11/07/2020 14:51

It’s his choice whether he wants to shield or not, and it was your choice to shield with him. You can’t really claim to be acting in his best interests if you’re making him homeless at short notice because he’s made a decision that you don’t agree with, especially since that mostly affects him only as he is the one who is high risk. If this was an elderly relative you were talking about then I suspect the answers would be a lot different.

My view is people need to follow the law, but make their own decisions regarding “advice”. If he wants to put himself at risk that’s his own choice to make providing he’s not breaking any laws, making him homeless at such short notice is an unbelievably harsh reaction and not justified imo.

IceBearRocks · 11/07/2020 14:52

If its him that's shielding then he is the risk....You are shielding to protect him not yourselves!

I'm not understanding why you wouldn't let him back?

We are shielding because of my DS....he had to go to a large hospital to have a necessary procedure. He came home and we continued to shield!

Dont get me wrong ...your DS is a tit for going to the party...but I'm guessing at his age you have no control !
Feel for you but not letting him home is silly !!

Original poster

Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 14:52

I don’t want to say why he has to shield or the reason he has to get his bloods taken every 2 weeks but he has a health condition relating to his lungs and heart, ha seven in hospital twice in the 6 months prior to March and that’s why he received a letter from the NHS which says “he could become very ill if he were to catch Covid 19”. The Friday before lockdown my son was at the hospital and the doctor told him “take yourself home and stay at home until the government tell you it’s safe to go out”. When he gets his bloods taken ever 2 weeks the nurse has a chat with him and always asks if he is still shielding.

I can assure you we are not controlling everything we are doing is for him. I know the rest of us don’t need to shield but we are doing so for him.

He isn’t just going to a friends to sit outside (we did say his friend could come to ours to sit in the garden at a distance to talk to my son but that wasn’t good enough) he is going to a party where there won’t be any social distancing at all. My husband is a key worker and his employers know about my sons health condition and they have made provisions for my husband to work separately from everyone else to minimise risk as my husband can’t work from home.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 11/07/2020 14:54

This is about your DH being fed up with him, not about shielding. Shielding's just the trigger situation.

TimeWastingButFun · 11/07/2020 14:55

I wouldn't say don't come back. What you are saying about him needimg to shield is obviously very important but maybe for his MH he needs to see his friends. So difficult. But definitely I would not say don't come back as he'll be much safer with you than sofa surfing in multiple households. Maybe he'll be much more happier after having this visit, it could be his attitude is depression.

RoseTintedAtuin · 11/07/2020 14:57

Your house your rules. It’s deeply inconsiderate of him to ignore the sacrifices his family have made for him in recent months for the sake of his health for the sake of a few weeks and a party!
I’m with your husband, he can stay at his friends house if it means that much to him. I suspect he knows he is in the wrong here but wants what he wants irrespective of others. Perhaps once the anger is subsided you can discuss his attitude with him but I would follow through on what you have said to him.

Gogogadgetarms · 11/07/2020 15:13

Yes, the shielding guidance is advisory, but OP and her entire household have made sacrifices to enable her son to shield. He is sticking two fingers up at this.

That said, I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t come back. Is it worth losing your son over? Time for ‘the talk’. Where is his life going? What does he want from life? How is he going to make it happen? Maybe even give him until Christmas to move out. Sounds like your DH is (understandably) at the end of huis tether.

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