Told son to leave the house

[Littlemouseeatscheese]

Our son (23) has to shield until 31st July (we are in Scotland) and today he has said he is going to stay with his best friend who he hasn’t seen since February. Neither myself nor my husband drive, his friend lives quite a bit away so he would have to get public transport. We also have 2 other children. DH has told our son not to come back and I’m not sure if we have done the right thing or not but basically his attitude today has been the thing that’s broke the camels back!

We have all been very very careful with Covid because of my son and we feel he has just stuck 2 fingers up at us with saying he is going out. We did ask him to wait just 3 more weeks, reminded him we have done everything we can to keep him safe, neither my husband or myself have seen any friends and neither have my other 2 children and all this has been done to reduce the chances of any of us getting the infection And passing it into my son. We have been getting our food delivered, my son has received the letters from the NHS, he has an appointment at the hospital next week and has to get his bloods taken every 2 weeks from the doctors and we pointed out that not only is he putting himself and his family in danger but also the health professionals who are doing everything they can do keep him and every other sick person safe. His answer was “well it won’t make any difference if I go to now or in 3 weeks”. I explained the reason he has to isolate unto, the 31st is because restrictions have been lifted and the government need to see how the R rate will be and if infections rise. He wasn’t interested just said he was going and we couldn’t stop him.

As I said this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day. DH and I are still working (I work from home), so he is keeping us up as he isn’t quiet.

I don’t know where he will go, I think he might actually think he can just come back to the house but my husband is adamant he hasn’t to come back, he might go to his grand but his gran is over 70 so he shouldn’t be going to hers either and she does see her other grandchildren who are babies sometimes. I think she along with some of DH’s other siblings may try to put pressure on us to take him back but husband says he isn’t budging, he is sick of sons attitude. What would you all suggest?

I wouldn't give a single thought as to what anyone else thinks. They don't have to put up with him, and if they feel so bad for him they can move him into their house. He's been coddled for far too long. Time for a massive dose of reality.

Does the change in his behaviour coincide with having whatever the condition he has?

I dunno - it was the right thing to do to protect him by shielding, but he is an adult, and if he wants to make a choice that puts him at risk, I wouldn't make him homeless over it.

If it's time he moved out for his own sake and your own because of the conflict at home, then I would look into ways of helping him to do so - but I wouldn't be chucking him out.

My DH was shielding because he has cancer, which is controlled. He stopped shielding a few weeks before the Government told him to because he said that life was too miserable living like that. It had been 3 months of misery. He also had to get back to work as he is self employed. Mental health is important as much as physical health. I can understand your concerns about your son but I honestly think that your concerns about yourself and your baby are disproportionate to the risk. You probably have more chance of getting injured on the road than getting seriously ill with CV as a result of him mixing with people. It is estimated that in England only 1 in 10000 people are currently infected.

Candida last year my dad died and he left all the kids £3000, we told our son we wanted him to leave and find a flat share with the money and gave him notice to move out, he spent the lot on rubbish, new phone clothes and going out. My husband says he’s just sd neough because our son obviously doesn’t care about the sacrifices we are making. It won’t stop me worrying though have we done the right thing? I’m still his mum He’s still my boy even though I love him I don’t particularly like him.

Younger kids are happy he’s gone, they are away to meet their friends In person for the first time since March.

Op he has turned in to a different person as you put it because I suspect his mental health is suffering.

So you make a call - Support his mental health OR kick him out because he won’t heirs anymore when in any event - lockdown enormously easing and pretty soon he would have been out and about anyway.

I know as a parent which I would choose.

You seem to be choosing the latter (but actually not really giving kicking him out is the polar opposite or shielding him)

If this was April - you have more of a point

But it’s been months and it’s being enormously eased officially giving the figures have plummeted

The world isn’t suddenly going to become safe at midnight on the 31st July - you’re over reacting it’s his life and his risk to manage

You say that he isn't disabled and isn't having any issues with his mental health, but frankly if you display the same attitude around him as you are doing on here there is no way that he would talk to you about his feelings in these areas and would actively try and hide such worries from you. A 23 year old who has been hospitalised twice in the past 3 months almost certainly feels disabled to some degree even if you believe he isn't and he is physically capable when he isn't ill. It is also likely that his mental health isn't as great as you believe and he may well also be keeping those feelings locked away from everybody else.

He certainly needs to show you and the others in your house respect and to live by the rules of the house.
You say he has always had this condition and has no mental health issues. But his personality has changed and he has been violent towards his brother. Constant health pressure and recurring hospital admissions can create mental health issues that we are unaware of. Perhaps speak to his medical team and see if they or him would like to talk about it. His personality changed for a reason, it’s unfair not to explore that reason yet punish him for it. Complex health issues are stressful even if you have had them since birth, frustration can occur at any point for numerous reasons.

op you do sound controlling with what you 'allow' him to do. Your son doesn't sound like he's in a good place at all.

Maybe his attitude is related to his physical health? It can't feel good having a condition like this at 23. Depression can present in some of the behaviours you have described.

I don't know what you should do but I don't think you should dismiss the thought of mental health problems tbh. These last few months must have been hard on him as well and if he has had hospitalisations recently he may be struggling with that as well. Not saying his behaviour is excused but treading lightly may be important.

He is a grown man and it’s time he left home. He sounds like a man child who will never be able to cope in the real world.

Yanbu to worry about him but you have to leave him to it. He’s made the decision to go to a party, he has to face the consequences of that. He’s been warned he won’t be allowed back home, he thinks you won’t follow through. He’s been warned of the implications if he gets COVID, he’s ignoring the advice so if he gets ill it’s all on him, not you.

He is a young man with a serious health problem that would be enough to make him grouchy a pain in the ass. Let him go, take charge of his own health now.

Please the rest of you in the family now start going out and having some fun.

It's hardly controlling to want 23 year old man to show his parents and siblings some respect.

Maybe his time as a dependent has ended and a dose of real life might help him grow up.

His health condition, shielding etc are just red herrings. He isn't owed a living or a feckless, jobless lifestyle. Everyone has to grow up sometime.

2 weeks sounds like a good time frame, he may change his tune, he may not!

@rosiejaune

He doesn't have to shield, it is advice, which he has decided not to act on any longer. As is his right.

You can't care about him that much if you want him to be homeless just because he visits a friend.

I agree with this as well. At 23, he's more than old enough to make his own decisions regarding his health and well-being. And he has made the decision that lockdown has gone on long enough. That's his right, and his decision.

By the same token, the rest of your family should also see that as a clear message that lock down is over. I mean, your poor other children! Not seen a friend since February!

However, to not let him return home sounds harsh and rather cruel.

Is this "breaking of lock down" the straw that broke the camel's back?

I think not allowing him to come home is a bit sudden, but moving out this summer at the age of 23 would be appropriate. He needs to start standing on his own two feet. He can't live at home forever.

I'm sorry you are getting a hard time here @Littlemouseeatscheese, your DS is 23 so either old enough to make his own mind up or still a child who needs protecting_ he can't have it both ways. He doesn't respect your household so he needs to live somewhere else especially since he had the money but blew it and ignored your request to leave. Sadly he doesn't want to grow up and will soon be someone's "cocklodger".

It's noticeable that the OP states the problems have built over the past few years, which would also be the period in which he has transitioned from education, which is much more forgiving of the issues caused by chronic health problems, to the adult world, which is not. The combination of the working world being unforgiving for those with chronic health conditions and who require a greater than usual amount of time off work, and parents who don't seem to understand this reality and putting the blame on him and therefore being useless as a support system, is basically the perfect way to ensure a deterioration in mental health.

What good will saying don't come back do? It's worrying for you but I imagine the risks right now in Scotland are pretty low. Being away from friends for so long must have been really difficult for him. I can understand the anger but give him a break. He needs to come home to stay safe.

This is such a difficult situation.

We are angry that he done the because we have went to such lengths to keep him safe again this is because what the hospital have told us

Did your son ask you to do this for him? If not then it was your choice to do it not his.

His bad behaviour is not ok. That is why you should be angry with him not because he is choosing to see his friends.

What will Telling him not to come home actually mean?

@user1465335180
I suppose it depends what the OP wants to achieve especially at the current time with the virus in circulation. The reality is if he is pushed out of the family home he will end up on the streets or in a house share with people who won't care about his health problems in the slightest and will therefore increase his probability of exposure to the virus exponentially much beyond what a singular party will.

Tbh he's 23, he has a condition which is obviously pretty serious and has been staring down the barrel of a gun for months. He sounds stressed to hell and wants to let loose a bit. Having a potentially life limiting illness does affect people mentally, I can only imagine the stress he's been under having that looming over him plus the whole house having to make sacrifices and no doubt reminding him of this frequently. 🙄

He can't be all bad, despite his condition he's still tried to get off his arse and work instead of just claiming benefits. I think you need to get off his back a bit, yes, let him know you aren't happy and he isn't to make this a frequent occasion but try to also be understanding of why he's felt the need to do it.

If I was 23 and told there's a very serious chance I could die soon i'd want to have a go at living a bit just in case !

"As I said this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day. DH and I are still working (I work from home), so he is keeping us up as he isn’t quiet."
That's the nub of it there. This is not new. He's been a PITA for years. He's actively making life harder for the rest of the family by going noisily nocturnal.

And asking him to move out is not new either. "last year my dad died and he left all the kids £3000, we told our son we wanted him to leave and find a flat share with the money and gave him notice to move out, he spent the lot on rubbish, new phone clothes and going out."
So he sabotaged his independence, he'd rather live with his parents and piss them off.

Had the pandemic not happened, you'd probably have prised this manchild into independence by now. But the pandemic did happen and you all bit the bullet and made the personal sacrifices to keep him safe. Not just you and your husband, his parents, but his younger siblings too have had to be isolated from their friends; not for their benefit but for his. And he doesn't give a damn.

So he'll go to the party, and then the party will be over. What then? Where will he go? You say his gran "along with some of DH’s other siblings may try to put pressure on us to take him back but husband says he isn’t budging". If they're so keen for him to be housed, they can take him in.

When all's said and done - he's 23. An adult. He successfully evaded leaving last time he was asked by pissing £3,000 up the wall. It's time he took the consequences for his actions. He'll find a sofa to kip on, and maybe he'll have an epiphany and maybe he won't. But it's pretty telling that your "youngest kids are really happy he isn’t in the house, once of them even said “I hope he doesn’t come back”. " They have to be considered too.