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AIBU?

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Original poster

Told son to leave the house

94 replies

Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 13:59

Our son (23) has to shield until 31st July (we are in Scotland) and today he has said he is going to stay with his best friend who he hasn’t seen since February. Neither myself nor my husband drive, his friend lives quite a bit away so he would have to get public transport. We also have 2 other children. DH has told our son not to come back and I’m not sure if we have done the right thing or not but basically his attitude today has been the thing that’s broke the camels back!

We have all been very very careful with Covid because of my son and we feel he has just stuck 2 fingers up at us with saying he is going out. We did ask him to wait just 3 more weeks, reminded him we have done everything we can to keep him safe, neither my husband or myself have seen any friends and neither have my other 2 children and all this has been done to reduce the chances of any of us getting the infection And passing it into my son. We have been getting our food delivered, my son has received the letters from the NHS, he has an appointment at the hospital next week and has to get his bloods taken every 2 weeks from the doctors and we pointed out that not only is he putting himself and his family in danger but also the health professionals who are doing everything they can do keep him and every other sick person safe. His answer was “well it won’t make any difference if I go to now or in 3 weeks”. I explained the reason he has to isolate unto, the 31st is because restrictions have been lifted and the government need to see how the R rate will be and if infections rise. He wasn’t interested just said he was going and we couldn’t stop him.

As I said this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day. DH and I are still working (I work from home), so he is keeping us up as he isn’t quiet.

I don’t know where he will go, I think he might actually think he can just come back to the house but my husband is adamant he hasn’t to come back, he might go to his grand but his gran is over 70 so he shouldn’t be going to hers either and she does see her other grandchildren who are babies sometimes. I think she along with some of DH’s other siblings may try to put pressure on us to take him back but husband says he isn’t budging, he is sick of sons attitude. What would you all suggest?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 15:13

Thank you everyone for your input. My youngest kids are really happy he isn’t in the house, once of them even said “I hope he doesn’t come back”. I have asked him to bring his friend to the garden but he won’t do that. I’ve just had a message from one of his other friends (who isn’t going to be with him today) to say they have tried to speak to him to tell him to stay home but he isn’t listening to them either.

onalongsabbatical you are probably right about DH being fed up with him, there is loads more I could go into about why my DH is like this with him but I won’t. I will say we have had to deal with a lot of stuff our son has put us through over the past few years

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 15:15

Gogogadgetarms We have had that talk a few times with my son, doesn’t make any difference

OP posts:
SummerHeating0n · 11/07/2020 15:25

Some people have been in lockdown since march

I think that you have to BALANCE being locked inside for health reasons versus freedom to go out for emotional well-being.

During the lockdown I've seen a few elderly people out walking for exercise for example

The rules are for guidance, not compulsory

RedRumTheHorse · 11/07/2020 15:26

The issue you have if he stays at his friend's is will he do further damage to himself e.g. drinking, drug taking?

As he is clearly fed up of having his condition as that makes him different from his friends and limits what he can do in his life particularly at the moment.

You are probably better of accepting him back then putting plans in place to make him move out in a month or two. Then if he does move out don't ever give money directly to him and limit how often you bail him out.

SummerHeating0n · 11/07/2020 15:26

23 time to be independent & move out

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2020 15:32

I think this party situation is the straw that broke the camel's back in regards to your husband. You say your son is lazy, inconsiderate, and disrespectful, and if that's the case, I would be fed up, too. What responsibilities does your son have around the home? Given he's 23, they should be quite significant.

Fatted · 11/07/2020 15:33

Shielding is a red herring here. The issue is everyone has been bending over backwards in more than one area of life by the sounds of it and he's just thrown it back in everyone's face. He's made his choice knowing the consequences. It's time for him to leave.

RedOasis · 11/07/2020 15:34

I bought my house at 21. Time for son to grow up and start looking after himself. ( unless he mentally unable to do so?)

IAintentDead · 11/07/2020 15:51

I'm surprised he stuck it as long as he did. I wouldn't have done at his age.

Babyroobs · 11/07/2020 15:54

He's an adult, you can't really stop him if he wants to go.

Badassmama · 11/07/2020 15:55

At 23 I’d lived by myself and been working full time for 5 years, planned my dads funeral at 21 and moved home about 6 times since leaving my parents house. Your son can cope just fine.

TeensArghhh · 11/07/2020 15:55

I sympathise OP. I speak as a person who is shielding. Because I am shielding my DH and DD had to stay indoors too.

Unfortunately, my DD (19) lost both her jobs (hospitality). She received no financial support from the Welsh Govt. She found herself a weekend job, as did her boyfriend. Her choice was take the job and move out or don’t take the job and stay home without seeing her boyfriend or friends until... well, who knows? She chose to move in with her boyfriend and financially support herself. We supported her decision with the proviso that if she needed to come home she could but needed to isolate in her room for 2weeks.

She moved out and is happy with her choice. She and BF are coping just fine.

I would have been really pissed off if my whole family had stayed home because she needed to be shielded, only for her to stick two fingers up and do her own thing tbh.

Your DS is 23 and is able to make his own decisions. Maybe let him know his bedroom is there for him if things go tits up?

You haven’t said if anyone else in the family are shielding. Is there a valid reason - Taking 2 weeks isolation into account - that your DS cannot return home if need be?

Sirzy · 11/07/2020 16:02

So we have a young adult with significant health problems and from your description most likely mental health issues. He has been locked away (even though with good reasons) for 4 months. I can understand why he feels the need to get out.

My 10 year old is still officially shielding however we have made the decision to start gradually going out more because the impact on his mental health was massive. Infact all documentation I have had has spoken about the need to balance both physical and mental health needs so it certainly isn’t black and white.

Boudicabooandbulldogs · 11/07/2020 16:32

While I completely understand that this must be very frustrating after all the effort you have gone too to keep him safe. I wonder perhaps if your son has reached the end of his ability to cope, not just with lockdown but with his medical condition. Lockdown will have highlighted to him how different he is to his peers.
You say he has been different these past few years, how long has he had this condition. We change so much as adolescents and if a medical issue occurs at this time it can make people appear to be more mature that they are, hiding the turmoil they are facing.
Has he had any counselling as long term health issues in children and young people can have a far reaching mental health impact.
Please let him come home, as surely him being homeless with his condition cannot be good. He needs to respect you, however he may need help to vocalise what he is going through.

Wyntersdiary · 11/07/2020 16:46

how long do you expect him to shield for? this coronavirus will be a virus thats around for a long time yet if not forever ...

mum11970 · 11/07/2020 16:51

At 23 and being the one was was advised to shield I’d say it’s his risk to take. I take it you are insured to drive your sister’s car? A car isn’t something you can just borrow for the day.

AngryPrincess · 11/07/2020 16:53

I would let him come back.

MargaeryTyrell · 11/07/2020 16:54

Is the diagnosis fairly recent OP? I was lucky that when I got seriously ill I was already in a good job that I liked but my consultant was really worried that my mental health would suffer once I was discharged and the shock wore off. I was only 23 when I got sick and it really knocks your confidence especially seeing friends the same age being perfectly healthy

WeAllHaveWings · 11/07/2020 16:56

He's done so well to keep at it, but at 23 all you can do is make sure he is fully aware of the risks, tell him of your concerns and let him make his own decision.

I agree with saying, regardless of shielding, you are an adult and can make your own decisions but if you go to a party you can't come home until you have subsequently followed social distancing again for 2 weeks as you will not allow him to bring the virus back home. Also tell him he's seen the statistics and he risks his grandparents lives of he goes there, they are also adults and can make their own decisions. It isn't on you to resolve the consequences of his choices.

Pikachubaby · 11/07/2020 16:58

I would not die on this hill

Yes, long term he needs to show more respect, needs to work, needs to sort his life out

But the gvt handling of Covid has been a bit of a shambles, and your son is right that 3 weeks from now will be no different from now. Too many arbitrary rules.

The virus will be with us for years. He has decided he does not want to live locked up with his parents for years

I understand that

I think it does release you all from shielding

But kicking out now, when there are no jobs, nothing, seems harsh and just as arbitrary as the government rules

MashedPotatoBrainz · 11/07/2020 16:59

Not wanting to sheild anymore is his decision to make. Throwing him out and making him homeless because of it is terrible.

Having rules about behaviour while living under your room which impacts others eg making noise at night, is not unreasonable.

I do understand your frustration vthought. My DD is 26 and high risk and I want to lock her in the basement until it's all over. She doesn't live with me though but thankfully does take it quite seriously.

Boohoohoohooho · 11/07/2020 17:15

I wouldn’t have told him not to come back home. It’s up to him if he puts himself at risk just as it was up to you to take precautions not to put him at risk.

Him being rude and lazy is another matter. I’d not accept that behaviour. Although I realise that’s easier said than done.
I’m always amused when posters post how they left home at 12 and lived in a cardboard box .... The average house price for a first time buyer In the Uk in 2019 feb ( statistica.com) ranges from £136k in the “North” to £453K in London.

ComDummings · 11/07/2020 17:19

He’s been shielding for months, it’s hard going. No wonder he’s desperate to go out

Original poster
Littlemouseeatscheese · 11/07/2020 17:20

Again thank you everyone. DH has called him to say he went to come home for 2 weeks.

We are angry that he done the because we have went to such lengths to keep him safe again this is because what the hospital have told us. He has always had this condition and has always been fine with it. He isn’t disabled, he doesn’t have mental health problems. When he was at school his behaviour was great. He left school, went to college and just changed, went from being a loving son to just being horrible, disrespectful, not following household rules, he once hit my youngest son (he is 8 years younger than him). Even other members of the family have said how he has changed and have said this is me getting my teenage years. He has the attitude where everyone and the world owes him. He has been verbally abusive, threatened me in the past. He wouldn’t turn up for work because he wants to lie in his bed all day and play his PlayStation.

We have sat him down and spoke to him But he doesn’t change, so sorry for the massive drip feed but his attitude today has just put my husband over the edge.

I understand where people are coming from saying he needs to see his friends, but we have offered for his friends to come to the house and sit in the garden, and they can have a little drink it’s not as if we don’t allow them to do that, we don’t allow them to take drugs or smoke weed and I don’t think my son would take stuff like that as I have heard him saying to his friends not to take that stuff, so I think his friends have maybe said they don’t want to come over for that reason.

My younger boy doesn’t want him to come home because of his attitude towards me and his dad.

I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t as people will criticise me for not letting him back As they will say we are leaving him to be homeless and criticise me for letting him come home as they say we are enabling him

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 11/07/2020 17:21

YANBU to want him gone, but rather than boot him out immediately I'd be inclined to tell him that once the government say he no longer needs to shield he's out. As you say, you've had "the conversation" so many times before over his selfish behaviour so he's had lots of warnings. He's been disrespectful for years, had plenty of chances, so it's time he became independent where he can do what the hell he likes. Consequences of actions and all that.