Told son to leave the house

[Littlemouseeatscheese]

Our son (23) has to shield until 31st July (we are in Scotland) and today he has said he is going to stay with his best friend who he hasn’t seen since February. Neither myself nor my husband drive, his friend lives quite a bit away so he would have to get public transport. We also have 2 other children. DH has told our son not to come back and I’m not sure if we have done the right thing or not but basically his attitude today has been the thing that’s broke the camels back!

We have all been very very careful with Covid because of my son and we feel he has just stuck 2 fingers up at us with saying he is going out. We did ask him to wait just 3 more weeks, reminded him we have done everything we can to keep him safe, neither my husband or myself have seen any friends and neither have my other 2 children and all this has been done to reduce the chances of any of us getting the infection And passing it into my son. We have been getting our food delivered, my son has received the letters from the NHS, he has an appointment at the hospital next week and has to get his bloods taken every 2 weeks from the doctors and we pointed out that not only is he putting himself and his family in danger but also the health professionals who are doing everything they can do keep him and every other sick person safe. His answer was “well it won’t make any difference if I go to now or in 3 weeks”. I explained the reason he has to isolate unto, the 31st is because restrictions have been lifted and the government need to see how the R rate will be and if infections rise. He wasn’t interested just said he was going and we couldn’t stop him.

As I said this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. Of the past few years My son has turned into a different person, he is lazy disrespectful, Can’t keep a job, and he actually doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He sits up all night and sleeps all day. DH and I are still working (I work from home), so he is keeping us up as he isn’t quiet.

I don’t know where he will go, I think he might actually think he can just come back to the house but my husband is adamant he hasn’t to come back, he might go to his grand but his gran is over 70 so he shouldn’t be going to hers either and she does see her other grandchildren who are babies sometimes. I think she along with some of DH’s other siblings may try to put pressure on us to take him back but husband says he isn’t budging, he is sick of sons attitude. What would you all suggest?

Had your DS not been outside at all for this whole time ?
No exercise at all ?
No social distance visit to shop or friends or family ?

If it is a no

I can see why he has " run away to a party with friends"

i would let him come back, it is him that is supposedly shielding.

I think the key here is how happy your other DCs are that he's gone. He obviously has a significant negative impact on them. And the fact that they've told you how happy they are speaks volumes.

If you let him come home, he won't change and the other DCs will feel that you've let them down. I'd back your DH over the two weeks and leave him to solve his own problems so that, maybe for the first time, he realises that there are consequences. I know you'll worry, but you have to look after all your children.

At the end of two weeks you can all review the situation. But if he comes back it's on strict conditions that he has to adhere to. If he doesn't he's out again.

I think you are right to ask him to move out, but for the wrong reasons and not at such short notice.

It is not fair to say that you all shielded because of him. It's his fault if he is aggressive and lazy but it not his fault he has that medical condition. Isolating for such a long time is not good for anyone's mental health, but particularly for the young and then to be made to feel guilty for those around you having to isolate in just not on.

What a burden it must have felt if you constantly reminded him of the sacrifices everyone was making because he dares to be ill. If he has truly only changed over he last few years (I tend to doubt this usually) then that is unusual and another poster already picked up on the timing of that.
There is also a sense of martyrdom in your attitude and wonder how this has translated to the the other children. ie Their being impacted by having to protect him and whether you unconsciously fed that resentment.
Did you say the others have now gone to see friends now he's effectively ended lockdown? So telling him he can't come home is just punishment really because you're pissed off you all wasted time being so strict?

At 23, I see no issue with telling him he has to move out. Don't think this is the way and time. I do find it concerning the way you say it's only the last few years he's 'changed' because that is highly suggestive of other things going on. Pitting everyone against him won't help. Neither will jeopardising the channels of communication to effectively punish him for doing something everyone else is now doing.

@CJsGoldfish

What a burden it must have felt if you constantly reminded him of the sacrifices everyone was making because he dares to be ill. If he has truly only changed over he last few years (I tend to doubt this usually) then that is unusual and another poster already picked up on the timing of that. There is also a sense of martyrdom in your attitude and wonder how this has translated to the the other children. ie Their being impacted by having to protect him and whether you unconsciously fed that resentment. Did you say the others have now gone to see friends now he's effectively ended lockdown? So telling him he can't come home is just punishment really because you're pissed off you all wasted time being so strict?

At 23, I see no issue with telling him he has to move out. Don't think this is the way and time. I do find it concerning the way you say it's only the last few years he's 'changed' because that is highly suggestive of other things going on. Pitting everyone against him won't help. Neither will jeopardising the channels of communication to effectively punish him for doing something everyone else is now doing.

^ This.

@StatisticalSense I understand the point you're making about the party and it would be very harsh if the Op wanted to make her DS homeless but she doesn't, she just wants him to take some time and see that it's not all about him. My elder DB had health issues, didn't work and sadly became very selfish over time, he just lived in his own world and the whole family ended up revolving about what he wanted to do, keeping us awake, annoying the neighbours with loud music and my parents just let him do it. I loved him and always hoped he'd change and live a full life but in the end I left home to get away from it all.Sometimes what someone wants isn't what's good for them

user1465335180 that is so sad, did your DB move on from being stuck and end up living a more full life

I think the issue may be a bit more complex with your DS. From your description it sounds like he has a long term health condition that needs close monitoring. Anyone at any age would struggle at times with this reality but especially a young person in lockdown. Have you looked into some therapy for him if he agreed to try it?

I also agree with others that asking him to move out because he's gone to a party is OTT. It sounds like you all think you've put yourself out shielding aswell. He must have alot of anger and resentment regarding his condition.

I don’t think you’re giving any consideration to how he must be feeling. He’s been isolated in a family who don’t sound like they like him very much for four months . It’s his health and his decision. He probably feels desperate to see friends and get some time out from you. I certainly don’t think you should be making him homeless. None of you sound very loving to be honest. We obviously don’t know the whole story about what’s gone on, but you are asking an awful lot of him to remain shut up and isolated for another three weeks with a family who don’t like him much. Give him credit for what he’s already been through.

Thanks for asking @midsummabreak but sadly both his physical and then mental health got worse and he took his own life about a decade ago.

It sounds as though going to the party is the catalyst for both parents to sit down with him and decide a time scale for him to move out. Explain that as he can make adult decisions about his life he is obviously ready to live his own life without any parental control. Tell him you'll help out with hospital appts (but he needs to arrange this with you, you won't remind him) and that he'll be very welcome to come round and visit. Agree a date with him. If no progress is made, keep reminding him until he's fed up with the nagging! He may only have a sofa to surf on initially but it will motivate him to go down the route of benefits, etc. You must be firm for the sake of the rest of the family. Hug him and tell him you love him but it's time for him strike out on his own. Talk to your husband first so you're both on the same page.

I am so sad to hear that user1465335180

Wise words from @user1465335180 and others, some need strong boundaries and it is so very hard on both parents and siblings as they continue to lack insight and the ability to know how their actions impact others , sadly. There is no easy answer but I hope in this case although
Ds has messed up badly and is very poor at taking responsibility, and seeing how his actions impact his nearest and dearest , that DH can set firm boundaries and try to find much love and patience ,and not completely disconnect.

I can't help but feel sorry for your son

He doesn't have to shield it's only advice. Let him go to a party!

Oh and your husband is way out if order, throwing him out for understandably wanting some freedom?

My younger boy doesn’t want him to come home because of his attitude towards me and his dad.

By attitude do you mean the break-shielding things or spending his £3k inheritance or something else -- what else has the son done to upset you all?