Just had a huge row AIBU

[StormyLovesOdd]

Trying to keep this vague as the details are very outing.

We currently rent and are in the mist of buying a much nicer but smaller house as a family. OH inherited a house and is selling it to fund us buying our new house.

OH (and his family) have always been hoarders, now OH is having to clear the inherited house of all his childhood things, everything is still there from when he was a child and he wants to keep loads of stuff from huge cuddly toys he had when he was 5 to guitars, amplifiers and a old car which is a wreak and not even usable as it's illegal to drive on the road.

Our new house has small bedrooms, no spare bedrooms, only a lounge and small kitchen. Small garden and no garage/shed/outside space.

Ive asked OH if he could get rid of most of it and just bring a few boxes of the stuff that means the most and put it in the loft as we don't have room. He wants to bring all the guitars, amplifier, etc, etc and dropped the bomb shell today that he's bringing the car too and putting it on the drive where it will sit and finish rotting to bits cue a huge argument.

There's literally nowhere to put this stuff.

We can't afford a bigger house.

I'm so fed up of him, he's like a big stupid child, how can he not see this is ridiculous! Now he's sulking upstairs and I'm seething downstairs. I know it's hard letting go of stuff but we don't have room.

Is it me?

Why he doesn't work won't be "outing". But it might bring answers that you don't want to hear!

This is the hill to die on! I would row and row about this. I still have my ex husbands junk filling up my lift from 10 years ago

Is the house going in joint names or just his?

Why do you get to say what goes in the spare room and not him?

Yeah we are married and we've been together decades, I was just trying to be vague by calling him OH.

Don't want to go into why he doesn't work on here

Mmm... it's not you. Not when the "sentimental stuff" is a rotting car and 30 year old, giant cuddly toys.

However you're onto a sticky wicket as it's his home too and even more so than yours if his inheritance is buying it and you aren't married.

Cross post!

There isn't a spare room, that's the point, it's a tiny but lovely house.

OH wants to buy the house too and it's all we can afford. The house is going in joint names, as I've funded our living costs for years and will continue to do so.

He inherited a house which you get the benefit of as well, but you won't pay for storage out of the family pot??

He should keep his stuff and YOU go and live elsewhere...

Cross post again

I can't afford to pay for storage, if I could afford that we'd buy a bigger house

I sympathise because my DH is also rather a hoarder. He had to clear his mother's house ready for sale after she died six years ago and it threatened to become a nightmare.

I had to go and help him and still remain as sympathetic as possible because otherwise our own house would have been totally buried under her stuff. DH hadn't even seemed able to throw her rubbish out (once even brought a full bin down to our house).

Eventually I did manage to persuade DH that we simply couldn't take absolutely everything and he did just keep a number of very significant items (we have a lovely grandfather clock and an old charm glass cabinet). The rest was dealt with by a house clearance company.

I don't know the answer for you, but I suspect you will have to be determined. Sneak some bits of shit out to charity shops surreptitiously if you can get away with it?

YANBU, keeping a car you can't ever drive (for what purpose?!), cuddly toys & 5 guitars you haven't had for 20 years in a small house is unreasonable. It might be hard for him to do it, he might need support to, but he's suggesting that instead of facing the hard job of saying goodbye to things, he fill your and his new living space with things he won't use, but is keeping for sentimental reasons only.

Hoarding is a disorder that comes from a trauma, often a bereavement. Its not as easy as Just telling them no or piling it into a skip.

I've funded our living costs for years and will continue to do so.

Why?! Why would you buy a home, that you 100% finance, with a man who will destroy everything? You are willingly putting yourself in a slow rolling disaster.

Tell him he can store his stuff in the car!

Actually I think YAB a bit U.
He has never had to take responsibility for the ownership of his childhood possessions, it seems harsh to me to try and force him to get rid of them at a time of bereavement. These things take time.

You also sound a bit snobby about the car, it can probably be recommissioned and has a small value even if it is scrap.

@CoRhona

He inherited a house which you get the benefit of as well, but you won't pay for storage out of the family pot??

He should keep his stuff and YOU go and live elsewhere...

What complete and utter bollocks. OP is contributing to the house and funding living costs.

Aqua - yes, your probably right but I love him and we've been together 30 years, I can't leave him

I think I need to talk to him again when we've both calmed down. I'm not giving in though, there simply isn't room, I can't understand why he can't see it

I agree he needs to rent a storage unit. My DH had to for all his crap too.

What's unreasonable is buying a house with a hoarder and financing it. Nope, nope, nope.

Ps The book by Lena Bentsen "Goodbye Clutter, Hello Freedom" helped me with my unhealthy relationship with clutter.

I was just about to suggest storing stuff in the car myself - and I'm not even joking
You do realise, don't you, that the pile of what he "simply can't leave" is going to grow and grow? And that the stuff in the bedroom will become the living room too ... and the hallway ... and the kitchen ... and it will all be "just for this week" except it won't?

However difficult the conversation, I'd recommend you get this sorted out before he actually clears the house rather than after

I would say I’m hurt that you call everything in the house mine, it makes me feel like you take no responsibility for our family. If it’s mine you can stop using it. Don’t use a thing you are not ready to call yours or ours. Sofa table dishes pans towels washing machine Fridge (obviously you aren’t washing his clothes either) and see how that goes.

He really needs professional psychological help, because what he wants to do is totally irrational.

Come to think of it, what did he mean about other stuff in the house being "yours" ... especially as you've been together 30 years and it's not as if he's just moved in with you?

Anyway, if he doesn't work properly how about a small part time job, or even just a few odd jobs for neighbours or whoever - anything, really, just to pay for the storage unit?