Just had a huge row AIBU

[StormyLovesOdd]

Trying to keep this vague as the details are very outing.

We currently rent and are in the mist of buying a much nicer but smaller house as a family. OH inherited a house and is selling it to fund us buying our new house.

OH (and his family) have always been hoarders, now OH is having to clear the inherited house of all his childhood things, everything is still there from when he was a child and he wants to keep loads of stuff from huge cuddly toys he had when he was 5 to guitars, amplifiers and a old car which is a wreak and not even usable as it's illegal to drive on the road.

Our new house has small bedrooms, no spare bedrooms, only a lounge and small kitchen. Small garden and no garage/shed/outside space.

Ive asked OH if he could get rid of most of it and just bring a few boxes of the stuff that means the most and put it in the loft as we don't have room. He wants to bring all the guitars, amplifier, etc, etc and dropped the bomb shell today that he's bringing the car too and putting it on the drive where it will sit and finish rotting to bits cue a huge argument.

There's literally nowhere to put this stuff.

We can't afford a bigger house.

I'm so fed up of him, he's like a big stupid child, how can he not see this is ridiculous! Now he's sulking upstairs and I'm seething downstairs. I know it's hard letting go of stuff but we don't have room.

Is it me?

[steff13]

Guitars are collectable, and they can easily be hung on the wall, so unless there are 100s of them, I'd compromise on those. Of if they're in awful condition. The car, though, is another matter. That's non-negotiable.

[Wingedharpy]

Realistically OP., how will he get the car from the old house to your new place?

If it's not roadworthy or legal to drive on the road, he would have to hire someone to transport it.

Does he have funds for that?

Maybe it will all look different in the morning.👍

[theendoftheworldasweknowit]

@StormyLovesOdd

He said everything in our home such as lamps, sofas, etc is mine so he should bring his stiff too

When we buy something big like a sofa we always go together but he's never very interested and just seems to go along with what I like

How true is this? Granted, the stuff in your home might be nicer, but how much of the stuff in your home is stuff you wanted vs stuff he wanted?

If he didn't pick half out, I can understand why he would feel resentful about being told to bin all of his childhood memories for being junk and taking up space.

A lot of people don't throw out their childhood stuff either - it just so happens that long-suffering parents keep it in the attic of their childhood homes, so it never becomes a big deal. (Well, for anyone other than the parents, who just want their space back.)

Is there anything in your current home that can be legitimately swapped (i.e. you sell something you already own to make room for something he wants to bring into the home) or is the stuff he wants genuinely all junk and non-functional?

On another note, it's really hard to tell as you're holding details back, but are you OK with your DH not working, or do you hold any feelings of resentment towards him for not bringing in a wage? You describe him as a big, stupid child and seem to think your say on what stays and doesn't should be the only say - I can't help but wonder if there are some issues in your relationship in the background.

Being completely honest, I know I would get tired of being the only income generator fast unless I completely bought into the reasons why that was the case. (E.g. I would support a partner who become unwell due to no fault of his own, but I wouldn't support a partner who I felt could work and wasn't making an effort to find work.) I do wonder if you agree completely with your OH's reasons for not working, or if part of you blames him for not working.

I don't think you can tell your OH to bin everything overnight. Storage is going to be at least part of the answer, but it might have to be at a sympathetic relative's house if you genuinely can't afford professional storage. I mean, if his family really are all hoarders, they'll be horrified at the prospect of you throwing treasured family memories out and find somewhere to put his share of stuff, surely?

[squanderedcore]

OP I think it is unreasonable of him to say that the sofa (for example) you presumably bought and he presumably sits on is nothing to do with him! That's very unfair.

Also, I'm glad you are not going down the storage unit route because it is just delaying the hard decisions that have to be made. In fact clutter is a series of delayed decisions!

You need to talk about honouring his father's car by taking an arty photo of it (maybe in b&w?) and framing it and sticking it on the wall (or maybe he has some photos of it when it was in better condition?) . Or maybe you could approach it all from a mental health angle and say that clutter causes low mood and hanging on to the past leaves us stuck and weighed down? Good luck!

[timeisnotaline]

How true is this? Granted, the stuff in your home might be nicer, but how much of the stuff in your home is stuff you wanted vs stuff he wanted?
Everyone wants a sofa table etc. How much of the stuff in the house is stuff he needs but couldn’t be arsed contributing to the thinking and acquiring seems a more accurate question.
I would take the approach that I will not have a home that makes me miserable when I walk in the door. It will reduce your health and life expectancy literally. The ‘how much of the house do you think you should have’ is probably a good way to go about it. Eg One kitchen cupboard and I bin everything that leaks out of it. No consultation period no notice.

[AnotherBoredOne]

She'd is a great compromise. The stuff will more thAn likely get wet and mouldy over time so will just have to be thrown in the end. The car I don't have an answer for but what a pain that would be.
Good luck :(

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I've heard of the photograph solution, I know it works for a lot of people.

This could be a terrible idea, but I'm sure I'll be told in no uncertain terms if it is. Can you get to the house without him and chuck stuff that you absolutely know is just useless and that he won't know is missing?

I remember reading once about a woman who chucked out a ton of stuff in the loft. It was months before she told her husband, as he never noticed and then he couldn't name a single thing that was missing. Again, I know this may be a terrible idea but it's all I can think of so I'm throwing it out (haha) and people who know more can say if it's a goer or not.

He absolutely can't get away with claiming that shared stuff like furniture is "yours", that just indicates a total lack of respect for your shared life and appreciation for your earning.

[Mittens030869]

My MIL is like this. Not so extreme, as she's been capable of sorting through stuff but she takes forever to do it. She's kept everything from my DH's DGPs, though my DH did take some of it. (My BIL wanted to just book a slip to get rid of it all.). She's also kept many years worth of magazines.

My MIL's house is so full of stuff that we haven't been able to stay with her for years and have to book a room at the local premier inn. My DH keeps offering to help her. She agrees but then keeps putting him off. And when he has managed to persuade her to let him help, she distracts him by talking about other things.

Even if we could find space to stay there, I wouldn't want to. Our DDs just get bored and silly, and I end up spending the whole time having to tell them off whilst my DH talks to his DM.

Thankfully, we don't have to live with it all around us all. I really wouldn't be able to bear it. Your DH isn't going to change, I'm sorry to say.

[AdobeWanKenobi]

Emptying a home can bring grief flooding back. Just because it’s been a length of time doesn’t mean he’s over it.
Seeing childhood things can evoke many memories.

He may not be a hoarder, just someone still grieving.

[StormyLovesOdd]

I was angry last night and was letting off steam here, OH doesn't and can't cope with work but he's a lovely, funny, caring person and a great dad and I love him. We cope on my salary and money isn't the be all and end all to me, so long as we have enough to live on I'm happy (usually)

OH's hoarding isn't too bad in our current house, he has a cupboard full of random stuff and when he can't get anything else in there he chucks stuff away, it doesn't spread through the house. I hadn't really realised that it would be so hard for him to throw the rubbish away from his parents house. When I say rubbish I mean rubbish, think broken vases brought from a market 40 years ago, piles of old magazines, 30 year old TV's that kind of stuff and of course all his childhood toys.

Just to be clear I'd be happy for him to bring the odd memento back, just not everything. His childhood bedroom in his parents house is literally full of everything he ever had from when he was 2-3 to when he moved out in his early 20's.

We've managed to talk about it calmly this morning. I reasoned with OH and said "please just take a step back from your emotions, if Paul (our friend) had a ancient rusty old car that he hadnt used in 25 years because it's not legal to drive on the road and was never likely to use because he couldnt afford to repair it what would you think if he put it on his drive and left it to rot?" OH went very quiet and agreed that it would be madness so we've come to a compromise. We're going to have a shed in the garden for some of the stuff and will put 2 boxes of stuff in the loft including the huge teddy and he will get rid of the car.

I'm going to try and organise someone to collect the car today so he can't back out.

[Topseyt]

I'm glad you have come to a sensible compromise. Clearing the house of deceased parents can be so fraught with difficult emotions.

I suppose you might just need storage until you have managed to get the right sized she'd as the house itself will have to be sold.

I think you have both done well here.

[Topseyt]

Phone some breaker's yards and ask about scrap value for the car. It won't be much, but it could be a little bit of cash and is definitely better than just paying the local council to come and collect it. Said cash might just be enough to fund a nice meal out or a takeaway. Still worth having.

[StormyLovesOdd]

Thanks Top, that's a good idea x

[EvilPea]

Before you scrap it. Just check on eBay it’s not worth anything.
Same with the childhood toys.
It also means it’s going to “a good home” which I always find easier to deal with

[blackandwhite2020]

I don't think YABU at all, however... I think you should let him work it out for himself where it's going to go. It'll take time for im to realise but it has to be done that way otherwise ur forcing him when he's not ready, it'll never end well! Good luck x

[ticktackted]

@StormyLovesOdd sounds like a very good compromise! Not totally dismissing his emotions around the things, but keeping the priority of a pleasant shared living space forefront.

[TwoBlueFish]

As he manages with a cupboard currently and self regulated (throwing things out when it gets too full) then I’d do the same with a shed. He can choose what he wants to bring as long as it fits in the shed. If he must bring the car then give him a deadline, it needs to be drivable, safe, legal in 6 months or it goes to the scrap man.

That gives him time to process stuff in his own time. We cleared my MIL’s house a year ago and my husband got very overwhelmed when doing it. We still have about 20 boxes of stuff in the garage that he is slowly going through. Most of the stuff he eventually decides should be thrown out but it’s in his own time.

[picklemewalnuts]

That's a really great update, OP.

Can you mark it with a reward of some kind? A takeaway, or a slice of cake? It really is a big deal that he has managed to think that through, and it won't have been easy.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

We've managed to talk about it calmly this morning ... We're going to have a shed in the garden for some of the stuff and will put 2 boxes of stuff in the loft including the huge teddy and he will get rid of the car

On the face of it that sounds like great progress and I'm very peased for you - but given the many issues you're clearly dealing with, you might want to prepare yourself for it all changing back when the actual clearing happens

[monkeymonkey2010]

Don't want to go into why he doesn't work as it's far too outing. Let's just say he has lots of issues....OH doesn't and can't cope with work
Freeloaders always have issues when it comes to working.......he's found himself a cash cow who will fund him for the rest of his life and will 'mother' him cos it seems even basic common sense re a rotting car is beyond him!

I bet you still do the majority of housework and family admin and take on the mental load for everyone - cos that's 'too much' for him too?

[Mittens030869]

@monkeymonkey2010

Not necessarily so. My DB really can't cope with holding down a job, and he's on a high level of PIP. He has serious MH issues and has recently been diagnosed as autistic. It's hard to have patience with him myself sometimes, but his disability is genuine and he isn't a 'free loader'. The difference is that he isn't married and he hasn't got any DC.

There is a lot of judgement towards people like him and the OP's DH. (Obviate I can't speak for the OP's DH, but she clearly believes that he can't hold down a job and she presumably would know, as they've been married for 30 years.

[StormyLovesOdd]

Mittens - exactly, I don't need to defend myself or my OH but he's not a freeloader, mental heath is just as much of an illness as heart disease and love is more important than money.

[Thereareliterallynonamesleft]

That progress sounds really encouraging. Maybe you can encourage him to take baby steps, eg let’s visit the house today and chuck out 10 things, let’s make a pile for the charity shop/tip and take it in a week (so he knows he can change his mind), pick one guitar to get rid of and sell it on eBay... then it won’t be so daunting hopefully.

[StormyLovesOdd]

We've compromised and I've agreed we'll keep the guitars but get rid of the huge amplifier and buy a much smaller one that'll fit in the shed.

We'll have one guitar on the wall in the hall and maybe swap it for a different guitar every now and then, the rest will stay in the shed or the loft

OH took 6 bin bags full of rubbish to the top yesterday and he's agreed to go every other week and do the same, can't go more often than that as the moment as we have to book for the tip and can only go once every other week.

It's real progress thank you everyone who has helped me with this