Just had a huge row AIBU

[StormyLovesOdd]

Trying to keep this vague as the details are very outing.

We currently rent and are in the mist of buying a much nicer but smaller house as a family. OH inherited a house and is selling it to fund us buying our new house.

OH (and his family) have always been hoarders, now OH is having to clear the inherited house of all his childhood things, everything is still there from when he was a child and he wants to keep loads of stuff from huge cuddly toys he had when he was 5 to guitars, amplifiers and a old car which is a wreak and not even usable as it's illegal to drive on the road.

Our new house has small bedrooms, no spare bedrooms, only a lounge and small kitchen. Small garden and no garage/shed/outside space.

Ive asked OH if he could get rid of most of it and just bring a few boxes of the stuff that means the most and put it in the loft as we don't have room. He wants to bring all the guitars, amplifier, etc, etc and dropped the bomb shell today that he's bringing the car too and putting it on the drive where it will sit and finish rotting to bits cue a huge argument.

There's literally nowhere to put this stuff.

We can't afford a bigger house.

I'm so fed up of him, he's like a big stupid child, how can he not see this is ridiculous! Now he's sulking upstairs and I'm seething downstairs. I know it's hard letting go of stuff but we don't have room.

Is it me?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Trying to compromise or negotiate with a person like this is pointless. So is trying to find solutions to enable their condition

That's why I suggested OP might "discover" a flea infestation at the old house ... though we cross posted, and from her description of it the " " marks may not be necessary

[rachelfrost]

Start a conversation about what kind of home he wants. Often one partner chooses most of the furnishings etc as the other partner isn’t bothered. This doesn’t mean that the other partner doesn’t need their own space, which might messy or cluttered. The important thing is that you both agree one what percentage of your house is public space for visitors and family and what percentage is private for each of you. Could you talk it through in numbers for example 70% of the kitchen is public (dishwasher, table, chairs, plates...), 20% is yours because there is good light for your pot plants and 10% is his as he likes a stack of magazines to flick through. It seems a bit brutal but does make it clear that 60% of your bedroom cannot be given over to giant cuddly toys. He’s grieving and we often make sense of things through objects so hopefully it’ll get better.

[SandAndSea]

Another idea could be water damage.

[StormyLovesOdd]

OH's mother (last surviving parent) died 2 years ago so not that recent. I've given him time, asked him over (and over and over) if he's sure he's ready to move on and sell the house, he's assured me he is every time, then today happend

Thank you for all the suggestions, I'm going to carefully try and broach this again with him tomorrow.

I'm shattered and going to bed now, thank you for giving me someone to talk this through with tonight .

[Whatisthisfuckery]

My ex, in fact two ex’s were hoarders. They might part with some stuff but it soon gets replaced by other stuff. Even after a good clear out you’re still living in a warehouse.

Complete left field here, and a very long shot, but I’m thinking about the guitars. Does he play them? If not could you suggest he donate them to a music project or something? If you can frame it as somebody else getting the benefit of them thus keeping them alive in that way might he consider it?

[Iverunoutofnames]

I’m lucky that DH had very very little time to remove things from MILs house. Much of the stuff he did bring was broken or smelled. Given the option he would have literally brought everything, I’m very lucky really.


I’m still tripping over some of the crap (I’ve dumped some of it as he actually forgot about it the moment he brought it home). He failed to bring the specific items he was meant to get (I got the worlds worst hoover instead, took 3 years before he admitted it didn’t actually suck anything up).
Be strict is all I can say. Maybe he can get his own place and sit amongst it all.

[SandAndSea]

Could you hang a guitar on a wall?

[Lineofconcepcion]

I have found that taking photos of sentimental stuff then letting the stuff go to charity or be tipped works for me. The only use for old sentimental things is they prompt memories.

[Blossom513]

Hoarding can be a mental health disorder, either on its own or as a symptom of another mental health condition.

I have a family member who hoards. Bad enough to worry about their safety in their own home. It's really very hard to understand and I would not like to live with it in my own home.

I actually rang this organisation below for advice. They explained things very well. Essentially though things will only change if he wants them to and is prepared to seek help. If he doesn't want to do that then you need to decide what you can live with.

It might be worth giving these people a ring though. They have a lot of services they can offer.

www.hoardinguk.org/contact/

[Rayshine13]

I am with you here.My husband is the same, big time hoarder and every time huge argument erupts when we had to move houses.

[Cherrysoup]

The stuff won’t fit. You’re going to have to be ruthless. The car that’s wrecked needs to be scrapped, don’t let him bring that, it’ll rot for years, I’ve seen this happen at a house I’ve driven by for the past 12 years.

[ErickBroch]

JFC some of these posts. guitars and amps and an unusable car are literal crap and will do nothing. He hasn't touch it in 20 years and after this he never will again. I have smaller but smilar issuues with my DP and hating to throw stuff away but I put them in '6 month boxes' and if not touched by then, they're gone.

[DisobedientHamster]

[quote Blossom513]Hoarding can be a mental health disorder, either on its own or as a symptom of another mental health condition.

I have a family member who hoards. Bad enough to worry about their safety in their own home. It's really very hard to understand and I would not like to live with it in my own home.

I actually rang this organisation below for advice. They explained things very well. Essentially though things will only change if he wants them to and is prepared to seek help. If he doesn't want to do that then you need to decide what you can live with.

It might be worth giving these people a ring though. They have a lot of services they can offer.

www.hoardinguk.org/contact/[/quote]
💯

Your partner from the sounds of it has this form of mental illness running like a blue streak in his family. You're fighting a losing battle here because he won't acknowledge it, much less seek help for it, and has you dancing round enabling it. I'd start looking for signs of it in your children and head that off asap by getting help for them whilst they are still young.

[Sushiroller]

My DPs parents are hoarders (level 2 /3)
This is a hill I would die on.

The poster who suggested you talk about what kind of house you want to live in has good advice. I did similar and it really made my DP question a lot of his autopilot hoarding behaviours.

Ultimately I would want this resolved before I financially entangled myself further.
For me i know my home environment impacts massively on my mental health and i just couldn't live in that kind of environment.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

I can be like this because we had very little growing up. My rule for myself now is if it's usable it's given away do I feel it's benefitting someone in need (( just given away around £500 worth of brio. I could have sold it but can't bring myself to do it as that may mean it's out of reach for someone in need 🙄 ))

Anything else is either displayed or binned. You need to compromise........mid let him keep the guitars. But have them on display in the hall or something. Keeping memories for them to rot in a box is pointless.

[copperoliver]

Hoarding is a mental illness, he may need therapy they do see it like we do to just get rid of things. Everything for them has a purpose or emotional attachment. X

[Aquamarine1029]

...but I love him and we've been together 30 years, I can't leave him

I'm sorry op, but you are burying your head in the sand, and he will ruin your life. You are enabling him and have clearly done so for years.

*"You need to compromise........mid let him keep the guitars. "

There is no compromising with a hoarder. They are incapable of it.

[category12]

I would let him bring stuff home, give him time to grieve and then throw stuff away together once he’s seen first hand how much it gets in the way.

Except a hoarder will never just see how much it gets in the way, they just work round it and add more to it.

[saltycat]

Rarely a cure for hoarders. It will never end.

Most of the stuff will not be looked at for years and years. I know this from a relative, it should never be ditched ever, just in case. Of what I still don't know, but I backed off big time.

Your choice OP.

[GarlicMcAtackney]

What do you see happening though, OP? You’ve chosen to be married to a hoarder for three decades already, moving to a new hoarding location won’t change anything. Optimism and reasoning won’t change anything, this is the life you’ve chosen. He must be fucking amazing in every single other possible imaginable aspect for you to choose to live in a hoarder cesspool. The woman who bred me, and her choice of current husband horde, and it’s repulsive, there’s no helping them.

[GarlicMcAtackney]

(Obviously there’s no point trying to reason with a hoarder, it’s a huge defect, it’d be more enjoyable and productive to just bang your head off the wall, than try to get a hoarder to do anything. From experience.)

[DisobedientHamster]

@saltycat

Rarely a cure for hoarders. It will never end.

Most of the stuff will not be looked at for years and years. I know this from a relative, it should never be ditched ever, just in case. Of what I still don't know, but I backed off big time.

Your choice OP.

This. I ditched. My son, however, has HFA and OCD and whilst there is no cure, he engages with psychiatric and psychological help for the OCD and this has helped quell the anxiety and get rid of a lot of the reasons he used to try to hoard.

But with someone who won't engage? Nope. The cycle will continue with your kids because he appears to have inherited this.

[timeisnotaline]

I can’t believe I forgot about the tv

[TehBewilderness]

Four boxes. Keep, maybe keep, donate, rubbish.

[1forAll74]

I know all about hoarders and how it can affect everyone else in a house. You can never get to clean the rooms at all,and things keep piling up and drive you mad, and it's almost impossible to get someone to throw anything away, or even sell anything. If you put things in a spare room, or attic,they will probably stay there forever,and never be used.