Just had a huge row AIBU

[StormyLovesOdd]

Trying to keep this vague as the details are very outing.

We currently rent and are in the mist of buying a much nicer but smaller house as a family. OH inherited a house and is selling it to fund us buying our new house.

OH (and his family) have always been hoarders, now OH is having to clear the inherited house of all his childhood things, everything is still there from when he was a child and he wants to keep loads of stuff from huge cuddly toys he had when he was 5 to guitars, amplifiers and a old car which is a wreak and not even usable as it's illegal to drive on the road.

Our new house has small bedrooms, no spare bedrooms, only a lounge and small kitchen. Small garden and no garage/shed/outside space.

Ive asked OH if he could get rid of most of it and just bring a few boxes of the stuff that means the most and put it in the loft as we don't have room. He wants to bring all the guitars, amplifier, etc, etc and dropped the bomb shell today that he's bringing the car too and putting it on the drive where it will sit and finish rotting to bits cue a huge argument.

There's literally nowhere to put this stuff.

We can't afford a bigger house.

I'm so fed up of him, he's like a big stupid child, how can he not see this is ridiculous! Now he's sulking upstairs and I'm seething downstairs. I know it's hard letting go of stuff but we don't have room.

Is it me?

[StormyLovesOdd]

Time - good point, I'm going to remember that. No you can't turn the TV on as the remote control is mine remember

OH used to hate going to the house too because "it was full of clutter and rubbish" his words not mine. Now he wants to bring it all home . I'm hoping he will see sense tomorrow.

[Fatted]

I'm the daughter of a hoarder. If anything, I am the exact opposite and am ruthless with sentimental tat in my house.

I'm putting two and two together here, based on the issues that stop him from working and taking a guess he has mental health issues. Probably the same ones that caused his relatives to hoard in the first place.

This would be my hill to die on OP. I would end a relationship over this I feel that strongly about it, but I know I am overreacting after growing up in a hoarding house.

[callmeadoctor]

But surely as he has inherited a house, then he should be entitled to keep some stuff? Otherwise he could just leave you and move in there with his hoards? (not suggesting he do that but he may think that?) Indeed if he feels strongly about it then he may just up and leave? He has inherited a house so is surely a little entitled to keep stuff?

[ladybirdsarelovely33]

Will he watch Marie Kondo's series - think its called the Art of Tidying.
There is one episode when a guy had some clock/ sign from Guatemala. He had lived there as a child and escaped persecution. It was from his village and MK got him to give it up by reasoning with him, "Will this help you going forward with your life, with your future?" He said no and it was gone
Anyway, just an idea to go through things like that as MK though brutal has a gentle style.

[StormyLovesOdd]

Farted - you are spot on. OH has had professional help for his other issues, it's made life a bit easier but the issues are still there in the background and OH couldn't cope with work. He has tried, had part time work in the past but never for very long.

[essexmum777]

couldn't you all live in the house he inherited?

[mumwon]

another on who suggests he puts stuff in car get some large plastic boxes op he can pack stuff into them
what don't you mind being in the house - you have got to let him have a few things in house though but he has to be realistic - teddies can be boxed into attic

[cdtaylornats]

How much of your stuff are you binning?

[Msmcc1212]

Taking photos of the beloved objects and creating an album might help him keep the reminders and honour the importance of them whilst also letting them go.

I feel your pain though. DH is a hoarder and always has several unfinished projects that get left everywhere. Unbearable

[user1493494961]

Buy a shed and see if you can get most of it in there. You can get rid of some of it bit by bit, I've done it with bits in the bin or recycling (30 year old magazines anyone!), some of it may get damp over the winter anyway.

[HaloeVera]

I am exactly the same. Have held onto so much. Sometimes I find gems. Just have to live amongst it.

[StormyLovesOdd]

The inherited house is a wreck caused partly from the hoarding, for instance the kitchen and bathroom have been condemmed and the house will have to be sold at auction. We just couldn't afford to make it livable on my salary it will cost tens of thousands

[PanamaPattie]

Why not move into the inherited house - it will save you moving all the crap from one home to another. Gradually throw stuff away when you move in.

[PanamaPattie]

Oops cross-post.

[essexmum777]

i don't think you should rush into anything, what if you do it up on a shoestring over a couple of years and end up with a bigger / more valuable house?

[CoRhona]

Today 22:36Topseyt

CoRhona

He inherited a house which you get the benefit of as well, but you won't pay for storage out of the family pot??

He should keep his stuff and YOU go and live elsewhere...

What complete and utter bollocks. OP is contributing to the house and funding living costs.

@Topseyt Did you not see the words cross post?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Apart from the "clutter and rubbish" what's the other house like hygiene wise?
I'm just thinking that if you "discovered a flea infestation" that might be sufficient reason for some stuff to be chucked?

[SandAndSea]

I understand feeling sentimental about old stuff (but, tbh, I couldn't live with this).

I also don't think you will get anywhere by trying to push him into it, however well-intentioned or reasonable you are.

I would try to talk to him calmly and find out what he really wants. You can also think about what you want and what you're actually prepared to live with and for how long, if at all.

I would bear in mind that, even if he wanted to get rid of it all, he would probably struggle with this and it would very likely take time. Probably a lot of time, speaking from experience.

How about living separately? You don't have to break up. It might be the best option, at least in the short term.

[mumwon]

@cdtaylormats has a point
memories & grief become entrenched in things from your past - seriously op people saying he should just toss things out aren't v sensitive to that - sometimes grief can actually be harder when your relationships with the dead person were difficult because you haven't got closure - things become a way of holding onto stability - I really believe that ocd & hoarding can be closely interlinked - a wanting to keep things stable or to hold onto the past - it can be anyone of these or a combination
What I have noticed with people I know of with ASD - is that they seem (not all!!) to be either minimalist(OCD) or hoarders

[FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue]

I agree it's frustrating but trying to see it from his point of view, it all has meaning to him, it's all associated with times from his past. For e.g. getting rid of his guitars is admitting he's not so young any more and will never play guitar again. It's hard to get rid of stuff from your childhood. Has a parent of his died recently?

I think you need to try to negotiate - keep one of the guitars, keep a couple of childhood mementos, etc. But I would draw the line at the car-wreck. Tell him you want to make a good impression with your new neighbours, not be the kind that has an old fridge in the front garden.

[StormyLovesOdd]

I suggested a photo album, he didn't really answer me, might try again.

I have suggested a shed so it's not like I'm saying he can't bring anything, just not all of it and all the things he wants to bring are generally huge and bulky and there's just no room.

[WanderleyWagon]

Hoarding is really really tough to address. I have some hoarding tendencies and have found the book 'Buried in Treasures' really helpful - it's a practical workbook for getting to grips with hoarding

www.amazon.co.uk/Buried-Treasures-Compulsive-Acquiring-Hoarding/dp/0195300580?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Sorry he and you are going through this. I agree with previous posters that a time of bereavement is a very very hard time to have to come to terms with giving things away/throwing things out.

[DisobedientHamster]

@StormyLovesOdd

The inherited house is a wreck caused partly from the hoarding, for instance the kitchen and bathroom have been condemmed and the house will have to be sold at auction. We just couldn't afford to make it livable on my salary it will cost tens of thousands

You have big problems here. Your partner seems to have inherited a serious mental health condition. Extreme hoarding like this is a form of OCD and will need far more than just psychological treatment and that's with a person who is willing to engage and seek out help because he wants to change.

Yours does not.

Trying to compromise or negotiate with a person like this is pointless. So is trying to find solutions to enable their condition.

He can't cope with work? What did he do before you came along and paid for everything?

You are enabling this.

[Headshoulderskneesandtoes22]

A year ago I would have said YANBU, but having had to live with my mum for 6 months, and discovering what a major hoarder she is in the process, it’s not a case of YABU as he really can’t help it. I knew my mum hoarded, but until we lived with her I had no idea how bad it was.....literally every childhood toy, game and book is in her attic (and we moved countries when I was a child). She throws NOTHING out. She has at least one spare of everything (if not several), and no encouraging, cajoling or shouting can encourage her to get rid of the stuff. And she doesn’t even know it’s there. I will confess to hoarding a small amount of stuff myself, but it is strictly ordered and we’ve moved 3 times and DH won’t pay for moving or storage of crap. As far as DM is concerned I’ve developed 2 strategies. 1. If it’s something completely useless (like 100 out of 1000 used plant pots) I just bin it -and this usually involves sneaking it into my car and binning it with our rubbish or a tip trip....she won’t notice) or 2. Catch her off guard with one item only....‘what’s this’ ‘when was the last time you used it’, ‘when are you going to use it again’, ‘shall we just get rid of it?’. Last time I used this method it involved a mouldy windbreaker with one broken pole in the attic. I remember it as a child, so it’s more than 40 years old. She has at least 2 replacements that aren’t mouldy and don’t have broken poles. She agreed to getting rid of it. But this method only works about twice a year. The though of sitting down and going through one room might just finish her off. Good luck x

[BrummyMum1]

I’m not a sentimental person at all but the thought of throwing away all the possessions of a recently deceased parent seems really brutal. I would let him bring stuff home, give him time to grieve and then throw stuff away together once he’s seen first hand how much it gets in the way.