to want to kill our lodger?

[PSCMUM]

He is a pig. He leaves socks everywhere. He does not do his own washing up. WE have a cleaner who comes once a week, she cleans while we are out, he comes home before we do, and effectively trashes the place. Pots in the sink, washing on the kitchen floor, (yesterday it was on the dining table!), shoes everywhere, wet towels on the bathroom floor, I just found a glass of wine outside his room with MOULD in it. I came home from work today, walked into my bedroom, to find that he had been using the computer in here (totally fine) but had left his coffee cip and half a plate of steak and kidney pie in here!!! (not ok) am so furious. I had to relly talk myself into nt hurling into his bedroom.

He is so nice though, really nice with the children, really plays with them, chats to them, explains things to them. But I might still have to kill him.

Murder on the kitchen floor.

in reading this whole thread - he is a nightmare.

He needs to go for all of these reasons:

1. bringing total strangers into your family home - you have no idea who these people are and they are in YOUR FAMILY HOME where your children are sleeping - forget the threesome etc just think about your security.

2, non payment of rent, food, odd extra contribution to the household. He can't pay rent but he can go out on the piss and pick up strangers, he can afford a vibrator but not pay you rent.

3. damage of property and no reimbursement for said broken property - if he was renting from a real estate they would have had his money

4. totally lacking in respect for you and your family - your children are seeing this man treat your home and your family like this - what sort of messages are they getting.

5. His mum is pleased he is staying with you cause it is keeping him out of trouble - flippin heck he is not 10. He is an adult responsible for himself. The only people you are responsible for caring for are your children and dh - this lad is not your responsibility.

6. NO respect for personal space and privacy - having been in your bedroom and tried on and possibly taken your dh's clothing.

7. Actually called you names and goes on about the washing up - bang out of order.

As someone else said - this guy is a PARASITE and you know - no being soft etc - you are being foolish and irresponsible towards your children. He is taking you and dh for a ride and laughing his head off - probably tells all his mates how good he has it at your house.

If this was your friend in this situation what would you advise them to do - get rid of him.

I still come back to - what messages are your children getting from his behaviour??? do they really need to see him treat their home and their parents like this??? His 'coolness' and chilling and talking with the kids does not make up for his behaviour and total lack of respect.

Know this will be a long post but bloody hell - this is just ridiculous.

Oi...PSCMUM!!! Get back here an finish it.

Please PSCMUM, let us know how you got on. Hope all is well.

LEt me see... she has not posted since the chat, it could be:

1. They didn't talk so she is embarrased to admit it.

2. The lodger left with her computer

3. The lodger has the family kidnapped on their own house

or

4. To show further disrespect to the house, he has seduced PSCMUM and have escaped to the Caribean with all the family fortune.

Right people! Hello, and thank you for all of your kind concern.
Ihaven't posted for ages as I have been so busy with work - working late and travelling and not geeting back til really late then falling into bed and up early blah blah. Now smallest child is screaming head off becasue she is a)tired and b) just been put to bed.

Ok, now onto DL, what happened that night after all the clothes were all over the place...

i texted him and said he needed to come home asap for urgent chat about our house.
he ignored me. i rang him, he said he couldn't come home right now that he was working. i said fine, but we need to fix a time - he said fine, we'd do it next evening. THen spoke to DH re clothes, he said that DL had said he needed smart clothes for job interview and could he borrow Dh's and DH had said YES! so it was all above board, DH had ok'd it!!!! he hadn;t ok'd that he would try on the clothes and slob them all over the floor and was pissed off about that, so we agreed anyway to have a chat with him.

We haven't seen him since. He is coming ni at 4am in the morning and going back out again god knows when. but i havent; seen him.

So its the anti climax of the year, I haven;t wimped out, I've just been travlling with work and I think he has been avoiding us on prupose as he must know what is coming.

I will endeavour to remedy this 'issue' this weekend and get back to everyone!

For those who think this is a hox - this is SO not a hoax! I wish it was. So much.

If he continues to avoid you, write him a letter setting out all his shortcomings and what you expect/are demanding and leave it in his room where he cannot fail to see it (or alternatively have it hand delivered to him at work!).

Although if he is coming in in the early hours of the morning and disappearing in order to avoid you, he can't be leaving that much mess at the moment, can he? Or can he????

your right, he is making no mess at the moment and is generally no trouble. except obv that i have hear dhim stomping up the stairs at 4am. O coudl get out of bed and have it out with him then...but I can't be arsed!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't take it anymore!

I'm sorry but this is beyond a joke. You are acting exactly like an abused spouse (been there in a previous relationship). You are being bullied in your own home and you are allowing it to continue. He breaks your property, he belittles you and he abuses your trust. He has shown no respect and does no chores. You are not his maid and it is not his house. Stuff everything, change the locks, throw all his stuff out and ignore the door. If you must communicate put an invoice on the pile of stuff for the back rent and damage to the property.

Does he have a rent book? If not then he'll find it hard to prove in court that he was there.

YOUR HOUSE! YOUR FAMILY! COSTING YOU MONEY!

I'm sorry but as I said I have been in an abusive reltionship or two in my time and I can't stand people just taking it (don't bother coming back to deny it, please you are being abused by this man and it is time you recognised it). I took it with my first husband for years and the relief when it was over is indescribable. I took it for a couple of weeks from a boyfriend after my divorce before I came to my senses. Do what I did, kick the guy in the nuts and throw him down the stairs (metaphorically for you)!

I'm sorry for being rude but you are endangering yourself and your family physically, emotionally and financially as long as you let this continue!

PCSMUM

Do you have MUG/DOORMAT written on your forehead?. Of course not but you come across as someone who is being taken for a fool and allows this to continue.

This previous comment you made was intersting:-
"His Mum and Grandmother ring and say how glad they are that his is lodging with us".

I'm sure they do, they are bloody glad no doubt that he as the nightmare lodger from hell is not with them and thus messing up their own lives.

You made so many mistakes with him and ignored all his warning signs but you can redeem your own self by dealing with the problom immediately rather than prevaricating all the time. What will it actually take for both you and your also weak husband to stand together to throw him out?.

You are not responsible for him; many people had crap childhoods but this gives him no excuse or justification to act the way he has in your home. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

You're too soft and too trusting and he's taking full advantage of both of you. You can't be asked to take action because he has managed to wear you and by turn your husband down.

Would second what Mrs GokWan has said too.

Also, even if he's not messing up the house as he's rarely there now, he's still not paying rent and therefore not helping towards the mortgage. You could get someone in who would (a) treat your house and your family with resepct and (b) PAY THE RENT.

You need to give him notice and get rid. You don't actually have to give him notice as he has no legal right to be in your home once you have asked him to leave. He has no rights as a lodger. So you could, if you so wish, tell him to leave and dump his stuff outside your front gate. It would possibly be courteous to give him a day or two's notice, but you don't actually have to.

Glad to see your ok PCSMUM

You know you've got to get rid, although I understand how hard it must be for you as you kinda feel responsible for him (even though you are so so not responsible for him). But you gotta get rid of him for the sake of your sanity and the sake of your family.

Hope all goes well this weekend and that you are looking at a lodger free house by Monday

yes, i a maware i am pathetic.
i have guilt cmbined with tiredness combined with hating confrontation and blah blah t othank for it being this bad and taking this long. He left half the rent on the kitchen table over night with a note saying he'll get the rest to us today or tomorrow. So that is something.
Yes, I know we have to get rid. My husband is not weak whoever said that! He is just VERY chilled out and calm, he doesn't mind as much as I do, and he does do as much clearing up after him as I do. His presence doesnt effect the kids at all apart from to make thier mother furious after they have gone to bed. So..you know, its not like I have a vio;ent animal in my house! Tho he is seriously a slob of the highest order. Yes, I know I must get rid, and I hear MN loud and clear. Sometimes, though, it is hard to take advice you have known to be true even before you heard it! I am working on it tho, reallyi I am!

PSC it's harder when it's a friend doing this, not a stranger.

But just imagine how much more relaxed it will be when he is gone.

HE is avoiding you cos he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

If he has no legal agreement (contract) then you don't have to give him notice, whatever you do is up to him.

If he keeps avoiding you and you don't have time to talk to him in the next week, text/phone him and tell him if he doesn't come and speak to you within 48 hours he will find his stuff in the front garden and the locks changed.

It is hard, cos it's losing a friend as well as a lodger, no matter how badly behaved they have been.

Keep the anger up, it'll make it easier.

I had close friends who did this to me (more than one of them). It really hurt and I felt betrayed by the way they trashed my house and didn't give a fuck about me.

Armidillo - god Im' so relieved its happened to someone else, and I think you have hit the nail on the head - it is SO difficult becasue he is / wsa our friend. So not only do I feel like I am not being very friendlike to him, I know that he will remain in our friend group, and this will be difficult for us and for him, tho he is so brazen he probably will not give a shit!

27 - why?

Would it be easier for you to put it in writing? Send him an email or write a letter. That way you do not have to face him directly.

I can imagine that part of your problem is that he is so completely oblivious to your feelings and so selfish. He will more than likely not even be surprised when you tell him you want him to leave. He will just find the next "victim".

Sending you lots of positive vibes and him lots of

Are you afraid of seeming like a boring couple plus kids if you get rid of him? Will getting rid of him confirm you as this to you and your friends? Does he represent your wild, carefree youth?

I'm sorry if I came off as rude earlier. I certainly didn't want to knock your self esteme further. The fact is that violent or not you are in an abusive relationship with this lodger. It isn't just about not doing the washing up he has belittled you and made no effort to change. You are being bullied in your own home. I know you realise that it is unacceptable but you have got to take it to the next level. It is your house. He is abusing you and the house, he is costing you money and he is dangerous (you've spelt it all out, the insults, the avoidance tactics, the lack of respect, the damage, the late nights and so on). Sooner or later something far worse will happen. He may be a nice guy as you say... if that is the case then kicking him out (no ultimatums, just a change of locks) will be a kindness, a wake up call. He needs to learn that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. You don't need to teach him how to behave you have kids of your own to do that to (meanwhile they are learning from him how not to behave), he is an adult and needs to learn that lesson for himself, all you have to do is enable him to take the first step by kicking him out.

Ug. I am really, really sorry if I sound rude. Like I say I've been in a similar position a few times. It doesn't matter that this man isn't violent, violence isn't the only form of abuse and bullying.