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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is a lot of double standards on Mumsnet

108 replies

DreamChaser23 · 09/07/2020 16:52

Take cheating for example. I have seen many posts where the men cheat and they rightfully get blamed and vilified which they should.

But when a women does the same thing some posters don't have the same outrage instead try to find every little thing to justify it.

Just cause we are the same gender as someone does not mean we support them even if someone did something wrong. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I am a BAME person just because I am BAME does that mean when a BAME person does something wrong I should ignore it and try to find justification for them?

Another is people on furlough OR benefits. "why am I working while these guys get free money"
"my neighbour is a benefit fraud he gets more than I do working"

Now some of these people who complained about those on benefits are on it and claim it is too little.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamChaser23 · 09/07/2020 16:53

Sorry the last point was more to do with more hatred for certain groups rather than double standards

OP posts:
anon444877 · 09/07/2020 16:54

aren’t there just a lot of double standards in life with people judging people for situations they haven’t been through?

romeolovedjulliet · 09/07/2020 17:22

there have always been double standards on mn, you just need to take some of it with a pinch of salt. some people are very judgy something is okay for them but noone else should do it.

Yeahnahmum · 09/07/2020 17:25

MN and real life unfortunately

AftonGlen · 09/07/2020 17:46

It's only double standards if it's the same poster condemning for men but condoning for women surely. Different posters post on a variety of threads with different opinions.
Or do you think there should be a list of views that everyone should subscribe to in order for Mumsnet to be of a single standard?

ThousandsAreSailing · 09/07/2020 17:57

YABU for using gender when you mean sex

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/07/2020 17:58

But when a women does the same thing some posters don't have the same outrage instead try to find every little thing to justify it.

You haven't seen many threads about OW, have you?

annabel85 · 09/07/2020 18:00

@romeolovedjulliet

there have always been double standards on mn, you just need to take some of it with a pinch of salt. some people are very judgy something is okay for them but noone else should do it.
"I've just been to the beach and it was too busy, what's wrong with people?"
Chicchicchicchiclana · 09/07/2020 18:04

I don't think there are general standards, concurrence, typical posts, hive mind, shared values - or any of these untruths that are often claimed about Mumsnet.

Mumsnet is not middle class, not working class, not left-leaning, not right-leaning.

Which is great!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 09/07/2020 18:04

YABU for using gender when you mean sex

Yep. Fraid so Blush

Ffsnosexallowed · 09/07/2020 18:06

Mumsnet isn't some kind of homologous group of people, hardly surprising people have different views

MorrisZapp · 09/07/2020 18:08

You've got that the wrong way round. Often the man cheating is barely mentioned but the woman is meant to get 'karma' etc. As in general society, women are supposed to be the moral gatekeepers of sex.

Atadaddicted · 09/07/2020 18:10

Engage brain OP

This is a female dominated forum.
So any woman posting is likely to be presenting the scenario from her stance hence more support because aren’t inclined to present themselves in a negative light are they?!

tobee · 09/07/2020 18:14

FWIW I think people on here absolutely do not treat women more leniently if they have affairs.

GreytExpectations · 09/07/2020 18:17

Agreed MN is very much a hive mind and there are so many double standards on here. I try to challenge them when I see them but as expected get piled on.

thetangleteaser · 09/07/2020 18:33

Yes!

I once saw a post about a pregnant women who didn’t want to have sex with her husband during pregnancy. She wrote how he was a bit grumpy about it but that was it but openly admitted to ‘harassing him for sex’ pre pregnancy even when he wasn’t in the mood.

The husband got repeatedly referred to as a rapist by posters who all suggested she flee! I commented to ask if they would consider her a rapist “harassing” him for sex pre pregnancy, apparently it’s not the same🤷🏼‍♀️

annabel85 · 09/07/2020 20:32

@thetangleteaser

Yes!

I once saw a post about a pregnant women who didn’t want to have sex with her husband during pregnancy. She wrote how he was a bit grumpy about it but that was it but openly admitted to ‘harassing him for sex’ pre pregnancy even when he wasn’t in the mood.

The husband got repeatedly referred to as a rapist by posters who all suggested she flee! I commented to ask if they would consider her a rapist “harassing” him for sex pre pregnancy, apparently it’s not the same🤷🏼‍♀️

'Dump him' or 'divorce the bastard' is the go to advice on 99% of relationship problem threads.
Villanemme · 09/07/2020 20:44

I actually quite like the vibe that women are possibly sticking up for other women on here. Let's face it, in RL at the moment no one gives a shiny shite about women.

GreytExpectations · 10/07/2020 10:54

The husband got repeatedly referred to as a rapist by posters who all suggested she flee! I commented to ask if they would consider her a rapist “harassing” him for sex pre pregnancy, apparently it’s not the same🤷🏼‍♀️

Yup, this sounds about right for mumsnet. Apparently it's completly acceptable for women to manipulate and pressure their partner into sex when they are TTC but God forbid the partners asks for sex when she is pregnant....

GreytExpectations · 10/07/2020 10:55

@Villanemme

I actually quite like the vibe that women are possibly sticking up for other women on here. Let's face it, in RL at the moment no one gives a shiny shite about women.
That's just simply not true and nor does it justify double standards.
ZombieLizzieBennet · 10/07/2020 11:00

It could only be double standards if the same poster/s change their attitudes depending on whether a man or a woman is being discussed. Otherwise, it's just different people having different views, which you're inevitably going to get because MN has more than one poster.

GabriellaMontez · 10/07/2020 11:37

Yabu.

And I hate the
"If it was a man you wouldn't say that"
Mantra

When each story is different and the context is vital.

And you mean sex not gender.

GreytExpectations · 10/07/2020 11:43

@GabriellaMontez

Yabu.

And I hate the
"If it was a man you wouldn't say that"
Mantra

When each story is different and the context is vital.

And you mean sex not gender.

OK, then can you please explain in what situation it is acceptable for a woman to pressure a man into sex but if a man does the same he is labelled as a rapist?

Or please explain the context where a woman cheating on her husband can be justified but never for a man?

Wtfdidwedo · 10/07/2020 11:45

There are millions of MN users from all over the world of varying demographics. It's a forum. You can't have double standards on a forum.

maudspellbody · 10/07/2020 11:51

I think part of it is that, often, people want to be supportive of the person actually writing the post.

So a woman being cheated on will be supported by people vilifying her H and condemning his behaviour.

A woman cheating on her H will get pounced on and not given an easy time in the main, but - because she is the one asking for advice - some might be willing to hear her out and try to understand.

It is people being helpful.

Unless you think men often come on here and admit to cheating? I'm not sure I have seen that more than a couple of times - and they usually get the same response as women doing the same. Condemnation in the main with some trying to understand.