Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is a lot of double standards on Mumsnet

108 replies

DreamChaser23 · 09/07/2020 16:52

Take cheating for example. I have seen many posts where the men cheat and they rightfully get blamed and vilified which they should.

But when a women does the same thing some posters don't have the same outrage instead try to find every little thing to justify it.

Just cause we are the same gender as someone does not mean we support them even if someone did something wrong. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I am a BAME person just because I am BAME does that mean when a BAME person does something wrong I should ignore it and try to find justification for them?

Another is people on furlough OR benefits. "why am I working while these guys get free money"
"my neighbour is a benefit fraud he gets more than I do working"

Now some of these people who complained about those on benefits are on it and claim it is too little.

OP posts:
GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 11:56

MN is a funny old place. Don't take it too seriously. The most obvious one that I noticed was how the majority of people despised people on benefits and not that a lot are either on benefits or furloughed, yes, it's not enough. There but for the Grace of God go I...
Another one I see often is 'I trust my husband and know that he would never cheat', usually on some poor unfortunate's thread where her husband has cheated. Then you'll see threads, I never thought my husband would cheat but he has. Again, there but for the Grace of God....
I try to never be complacent about anything as if life has thought me anything, it's that it will land you on your arse fairly lively.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 10/07/2020 11:58

@Wtfdidwedo

There are millions of MN users from all over the world of varying demographics. It's a forum. You can't have double standards on a forum.
Exactly. There could be individual posters who have double standards, but one group of posters saying one thing and one group saying another isn't. It amazes me how many people don't get this.
GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:00

I suppose the greatest issue is people who can't put themselves in other people's shoes - single mothers for example. Then you find them up shit creek themselves and then they care. People lack empathy I suppose.

I try never to judge anyone as you just never know when you'll find yourself in the same position in the future.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 12:01

I mean there's a thread going at the moment about a man leaving his cheating wife and I don't think a single person attempted to justify the wife's cheating?

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:02

Obviously I don't track individual posters, but it's noticeable when their is a shift in the majority of thinking. Somebody has changed their mind!

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:04

As for the amount of spelling errors in my posts, please ignore them.
I do know the difference between taught/thought and their/there. Which is why I stay away from policing other people's grammar!

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:05

As for the two tools who are contradicting the OP and saying she means sex, not gender - actually maybe she does mean gender. It's irrelevant to the thread and makes you look like fools.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:07

But I agree - MNers in general are vicious to women who cheat.

Chanjer · 10/07/2020 12:07

I mean there's a thread going at the moment about a man leaving his cheating wife and I don't think a single person attempted to justify the wife's cheating?

Someone does try and suggest he think about actually leaving though. I can't really imagine someone saying that to a woman setting up to get out

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2020 12:20

@GimmeAy

But I agree - MNers in general are vicious to women who cheat.
Some are - though I suspect that’s far more to do with some posters enjoying any opportunity to say something spiteful to another person and make them feel worthless, than the cheating. But I have also seen loads of threads where posters justify women who have cheated by saying they must not be getting their emotional needs met in their marriage or it must otherwise somehow be at least half her DH’s fault for checking out of the relationship or not being attentive enough. You wouldn’t see that the other way around.
GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:23

I have never seen that.

Nightbirdcackle · 10/07/2020 12:23

I have seen some double standards on here at times. Eg a woman saying her husband was always trying to initiate sex despite her being too tired or not in the mood = husband is a sex pest. But when a female posted saying she liked to have sex twice a day and felt rejected by her bf who only wanted it three times a week, max, she was given sympathy.

I've very rarely seen a female treated kindly on MN when she has been unfaithful or involved in an affair though. I find MN is very unforgiving of infidelity, regardless of the poster.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:27

What you do see a lot of though is MNers vilifying women who have affairs, but when a woman complains about the OW, MN will in unison say - why are you blaming her - why don't you blame your DH who cheated on you. Those are very typical responses, so on the one hand, they despise cheating women, but on the other hand, it's the husband who should get the blame. Make up your minds women!

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 12:34

Someone does try and suggest he think about actually leaving though. I can't really imagine someone saying that to a woman setting up to get out

Yeah but I'm pretty sure that poster was a man, they have a male user name plus they also said the woman should be "punished"

LimeHookSinker · 10/07/2020 12:35

I don’t like this way of thinking.

One of my closest friends has polar opposite views on a lot of things I think. We disagree about a lot - but that doesn’t mean women as a class have double standards. That means individuals have different views.

On top of that, there’s context. We are empathic beings so it’s easier to take the side of the story teller in some situations - but I still think the core values of an individual remain the same and will condemn the same actions no matter what, but the approach to that will vary depending on how to story is told.

Chanjer · 10/07/2020 12:39

Nah not the George poster someone called mellows posted later saying "I'm not suggesting don't leave but maybe don't leave"

It's not something I'd expect someone to say to a woman leaving a relationship on scant info

SVRT19674 · 10/07/2020 12:41

Are you a noun? If not, you don´t belong to a specific gender but your sex is masculine or femenine. (no, I´m not into the other myriad possibilities existing nowadays). Apart from that, I have read quite a few threads with straying wives and ow and they may be a little more polite bearing in mind they are addressing the actual person, not referring to an absent husband, but a little bit more polite but not by much.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 12:41

Nah not the George poster someone called mellows posted later saying "I'm not suggesting don't leave but maybe don't leave"

Sounds like Boris Johnson Grin

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:44

When I was about 24, I had an affair (or moreso the man had an affair) with a married man. Now that I've admitted that, I'll be vilified, but were it coming from the perspective of the man's wife, she would be told that her DH is to blame. To be honest, I had no intentions of his wife ever finding out, so I don't see it to be a terribly morally reprehensible action on my part - what you don't know won't hurt you. He worked away during the week, and that's when we had the affair. He went home to his wife on the weekends. Because I've seen so many affairs among men who work away, I always feel sorry for the masses of women on here whose husband's work away but are convinced they would never have an affair. It's endemic among men who work away - particularly if in different countries.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:45

Arya

Sounds like Boris Johnson grin

Yup, sounds like the advice he'd give PMSL.

jessstan2 · 10/07/2020 12:47

There are double standards everywhere, I don't know that Mumsnet is worse than real life.

There are some people with whom we can sympathise/empathise more than others even when we know they are in the wrong. It's very hard to be judgemental if you are not like that by nature (and most of us have things in our past we'd prefer not to be reminded of).

The benefits envy is, I agree, horrible. It's best to mind your own business about the finances of others.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 12:48

what you don't know won't hurt you

Oh I don't like that reasoning at all. Being lied to and made a fool of, I would hate that, I can't stand to be lied to and of course the risk of picking something up from whoever your husband is sleeping with without you knowing

jessstan2 · 10/07/2020 12:50

GimmeAY: I try never to judge anyone as you just never know when you'll find yourself in the same position in the future.
....
That's how I feel. We are all vulnerable at particular stages in our lives.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/07/2020 12:51

Add to this the latest with the poster complaining her OH insists he wears a condom because he doesn't want children when she doesn't like it and 50% agree she's not unreasonable when we have countless of posts going on about how men shouldn't moan when their partner fall pregnant despite assuring they were I fertile/on contraception because It's his responsibility and he is an ass to complain when she doesn't to abort.

I think part of it is that, often, people want to be supportive of the person actually writing the post
Problem with that is that the poster will take it at face value to the point of making decisions that might not be the best thing for her because mn told her she was right and her partner totally in the wrong.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 10/07/2020 12:52

Mn has lots of visitors, lots of different folks, lots of different opinions, views and beliefs.

It's not a double standard it's just different posters having different views. Mn is not a hive mind.