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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there is a lot of double standards on Mumsnet

108 replies

DreamChaser23 · 09/07/2020 16:52

Take cheating for example. I have seen many posts where the men cheat and they rightfully get blamed and vilified which they should.

But when a women does the same thing some posters don't have the same outrage instead try to find every little thing to justify it.

Just cause we are the same gender as someone does not mean we support them even if someone did something wrong. Right is right and wrong is wrong. I am a BAME person just because I am BAME does that mean when a BAME person does something wrong I should ignore it and try to find justification for them?

Another is people on furlough OR benefits. "why am I working while these guys get free money"
"my neighbour is a benefit fraud he gets more than I do working"

Now some of these people who complained about those on benefits are on it and claim it is too little.

OP posts:
GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:53

Well he had no risk of picking anything up from me, but she never knew she was being lied to, so as I said, it wasn't going to hurt her. I had no intentions of breaking up a marriage or hurting a mother to 2 children. I lived in Dublin, she lived in Sussex or Surrey. There was no way that she'd have found out. I'm sure that I wasn't the first affair he had either. But we got on well and it wasn't just sex. He was very much going through a midlife crisis and was questioning his career choice (finance). We chatted a lot and it wasn't all about sex at all. He was 42 at the time.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:53

It can be a hive mind on here though.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:56

An e.g. of the hive mind is on this very thread - about 50% of posters have said 'MN is a mix of different opinions'. One could be forgiven for thinking that that is indeed the view of most women on MN.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 12:57

It's almost poetic lol. So many people saying the same thing i.e. that they don't all think alike haha. Couldn't make it up.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:00

Personally, I feel that there are two levels of affairs - the fling type that I had, where the man involved told me that he loved his wife and had no intentions of leaving her and then the more sinister type, where the man is getting his boots under the table of another woman before he leaves his wife. I think the latter is more reprehensible.

Graphista · 10/07/2020 13:06

1 there are 100,000’s of posters they won’t all have the same opinions

2 people tend to post on the threads of the ops they support, I do this myself to a degree. If someone is as I had to, dealing with a cheat then I like to offer support and advice - learning from my mistakes is part of it too.

3 it’s also difficult to stay within talk guidelines or avoid a lambasting yourself if you go on a thread disagreeing with the op vehemently. I have no interest in soothing the egos or providing justification for cheats so I generally don’t post on such threads, whereas other posters who have been cheats themselves or otherwise are sympathetic towards them will.

The observations you made re furlough/benefits I very much agree with. I’m long term sick/disabled and particularly at the start of all this, the threads by people:

1 complaining it wasn’t enough to live on - well they didn’t fucking care when it was others managing on it did they?!

2 expecting they should be treated better/differently because they “weren’t a normal claimant, nobody could have predicted this” - subtext ‘other claimants are lazy scroungers I’m not like them’ was so entitled and arsey! Particularly in the cases of those of us having become sick/disabled very unexpectedly (car accident in my case) nobody bloody predicted that either!! The vast majority of claimants WISH they could work and earn and weren’t reliant on benefits, while also being grateful they exist and yet also feel frustrated at the way the system works and is so difficult to navigate.

That's just simply not true what’s not true? Because women being treated like shit and being oppressed and discriminated against very much IS true!

I try to never be complacent about anything as if life has thought me anything, it's that it will land you on your arse fairly lively. absolutely!

I remember early on in my time on mn reading a post by a woman who honestly and bravely admitted she’d been a “smug married” who totally trusted her husband, didn’t think he’d cheat etc...and she’d just discovered his long term affair! She was understandably devastated, and while I hugely sympathised I must admit I think of her whenever I read a “smug marrieds” post. Foolish to 100% trust ANYONE.

the greatest issue is people who can't put themselves in other people's shoes ugh yes we had a run of those recently “I don’t understand...” threads when really op meant “I don’t approve...”

Very irritating! Comments on “not understanding” why people use convenience foods as “they’re not really cheaper” when a few mins of thought and anyone with common sense and empathy would think that there are multiple reasons why this is easier and actually cheaper for some people.

This includes posters who think EVERYWHERE in the UK is the same as where they live! Particularly true of “townies” I’ve noticed (of which I am one by birth and early childhood, but I can think outside my frame of reference) “surely there’s an Aldi near you” no not everyone lives near or can get to the cheapest shops! Or has decent and cheap public transport or can drive and afford to run a car!

Gimmeay - it IS morally reprehensible because you had no business having anything to do with a married man, even if she didn’t know it will still have damaged his relationship with his wife and you don’t know for definite he couldn’t have caught something from you and given it to her, doesn’t even necessarily need to be a recognised Sti but something like thrush or bv could have been passed on.

ANY Affair is selfish and irresponsible.

My ex’s affair according to him was only meant to be a fling and I wasn’t meant to find out, yet he did fuck all to prevent me finding out really, and the fling aspect ended as soon as she got pregnant, and he was very much putting my health at risk as wasn’t even using condoms!!

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:07

Italian women (certain parts of Italy) and other countries (the French for example), are aware that their husbands are likely having flings, but it's accepted, as they always come home to their wife. I don't think the men would be as tolerant of their wives doing similar, but whether you like it or not, it happens. I think marriages tend to survive longer in such cultures bizarrely. Anecdotal obviously.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:14

Gimmeay - it IS morally reprehensible because you had no business having anything to do with a married man, even if she didn’t know it will still have damaged his relationship with his wife and you don’t know for definite he couldn’t have caught something from you and given it to her, doesn’t even necessarily need to be a recognised Sti but something like thrush or bv could have been passed on.

On the contrary, I think that he probably realised how much he had with his wife and possibly strengthened their relationship as he realised that a young flighty 24 year old wasn't all they are cracked up to be.

I was 24 - he was 42. I wasn't having an affair and I wasn't hurting anyone. I had nothing to pass on, so am pretty confident that she was safe enough! I was young and he was rich and had money to spend on me - it was mutually beneficial and not something I bitterly regret.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 13:15

@GimmeAy I wasn't talking specifically about you, more in general. I still don't like that logic of what she doesn't know won't hurt her. No one can say that a person will never find out, I'm sure most people who have affairs never plan on their OH finding out but they do a lot of times. If my husband was having an affair he wouldn't be the guy that I thought he was, that's a horrible thought and I don't want to be living a lie either which is how I would feel if that's what my husband was doing behind my back

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:17

I have had a bitch try to 'steal my man' in the past with exotic sex and such. I had no such intentions towards this man. So I know how I feel about her, but I think a fling where nobody finds out, probably happens more than you'd imagine and isn't always a dirty flea ridden OW trying to steal a man away from his family.

SummerCherry · 10/07/2020 13:20

So many...

If you are a Mum and complain about your kids - poor thing there there
If you are a step Mum and complain about your step kids - WITCH!

If your husband cheated and you complain about him - poor thing there there
If your best mate is the OW And you complain about her - don’t dare blame another woman! We women are not to blame for our own actions.
If you are cheating - poor thing there there - you must get counseling to get over your trauma of being with a married man.

So many more... sigh!

Graphista · 10/07/2020 13:20

That money he spent on you WASN'T just his money! That was money that should have been staying within his family!

So stop claiming you hurt nobody - you hurt his family even if you don't want to admit that.

SummerCherry · 10/07/2020 13:23

@Graphista

That money he spent on you WASN'T just his money! That was money that should have been staying within his family!

So stop claiming you hurt nobody - you hurt his family even if you don't want to admit that.

True. Cheaters - please own your actions and own the huge devastating pain and destruction you cause - whether you are the married person or the affair partner. It’s emotional abuse whether they are aware or not - such a myth it hurts no one.
GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:24

Graphista - I'm not going to get into a spat. He could just as well have been taking a male friend out to dinner as a female friend and in fairness, he was a hedge fund manager in the boom times, so he had enough to spare. I doubt his wife or children ever went without because of me lol.
In fact, one of the reasons he liked talking to me was because he felt huge pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle for his family when really he wanted to change career but couldn't because the lifestyle was there and he couldn't suddenly become a poor writer like he wanted. It was a friendship with sex thrown in occasionally. As I said, I have no regrets about it and even now, having been cheated on personally, I don't view him as a scumbag. I think he was a little lost.

InTheWings · 10/07/2020 13:25

MN is not one entity with a Uni Mind.

There is a huge range of people with different and opposing beliefs and opinions.

Unless you have a massive spreadsheet which charts the response of every single poster on these issues I do not see how you can monitor whether a majority of posters have double standards.

Have you really cross checked individuals' opinions on furlough v benefits etc?

Nonsensical OP.

Add to this the latest with the poster complaining her OH insists he wears a condom because he doesn't want children when she doesn't like it and 50% agree she's not unreasonable when we have countless of posts going on about how men shouldn't moan when their partner fall pregnant
Except that people have identified issues way beyond simple condom use and are talking about that. The majority of early posts challenged the OP on the fact that a man is taking responsibility for contraception.
Did you read all the OPs posts?

SummerCherry · 10/07/2020 13:28

As I said, I have no regrets about it Well personally I think this is awful. To have cheated with someone’s husband and not to give a flying fuck? Pretty low.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:31

I know what happened and I know what it was. As I say Non, je ne regrete rien!

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 13:33

Maybe God will judge me harshly on Judgment Day, but until then, there was no malicious behaviour or intent. My conscience is clear in that respect. Nobody got hurt.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/07/2020 13:51

It obviously wasn't a noble thing to do, but his marriage was his commitment and his responsibility.

Affairs are never right, but they are sometimes forgivable. It really depends on the circumstances. They're not the only way to destroy a marriage.

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 14:06

Sheba, having lived my life as a single woman for most of it, affairs are going on daily so the smug marrieds do amuse me - I often think to myself - if only you knew. If it's not one night shags, it's flings or full blown 'love' affairs where the man leaves. That's my observation and of course the hive mind will come on to tell me that I'm an unforgivable cunt (which also amuses me). But really nobody on their pedestal should be smug. You never know when you're going to fall.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 14:07

and isn't always a dirty flea ridden OW trying to steal a man away from his family.

There's no difference to me what type of a woman an OW is or what her intentions are, I wouldn't want to stay with a man who cheats

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 14:12

People seem unwilling or incapable of viewing things from any perspective other than from their perch in the high echelons of society. It's funny when you know that they're complete mugs. But of course THEIR particular variety of husband would never cheat.

It gives us on the bottom rungs of the ladder some sort of sense of equity. Hardship In whatever form it may take, can hit any of us.

Like the affair man, I've seen threads on here where the wife says, my dh wants to take a lower paid job. Unilaterally, the response will be - that's family money and he needs to think of his dependents. Not - well hey, maybe he's an individual and his sole role in life is not providing you with hair and nail appointments weekly. While paying for private school and horseriding and ballet etc. etc. Men are often seen as being the providers, yet woe betide you should you suggest that. Then you'll get the ire of a million posters telling you that they're rearing the children etc. etc. And on and on it goes around and around in circles.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/07/2020 14:14

@GimmeAy

Sheba, having lived my life as a single woman for most of it, affairs are going on daily so the smug marrieds do amuse me - I often think to myself - if only you knew. If it's not one night shags, it's flings or full blown 'love' affairs where the man leaves. That's my observation and of course the hive mind will come on to tell me that I'm an unforgivable cunt (which also amuses me). But really nobody on their pedestal should be smug. You never know when you're going to fall.
Well, I'm certainly not going to call you any names or hold you responsible for other people's commitments and promises. I can't say I approve or think it's admirable, but ultimately, you're not the gatekeeper of other people's marriages. Nor does it mean you're a pantomime villain made of sheer evil.

And some situations are complicated. An affair is never "right", but it's not always the only wrong thing to have been done in the marriage. They're not all the same.

People can be lured and tempted, but short of going after them with a butterfly net, they can't be stolen.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 14:15

People seem unwilling or incapable of viewing things from any perspective other than from their perch in the high echelons of society.It's funny when you know that they're complete mugs. But of course THEIR particular variety of husband would never cheat.

Not sure if that's directed at me or not but I never said I think my Husband is incapable of cheating, I just hope that he wouldn't, no one can ever fully know what goes on in another person's head.

Honestly though what's wrong with expecting a partner to be faithful to you?

GimmeAy · 10/07/2020 14:18

True Sheba - I was pursued by this man, not the other way round. The 'convincer' for me was that he said that he loved his wife and had no intentions of leaving her. I wanted nothing to do with him prior to that, because well, he was married, but he eventually convinced me to just go out to dinner with him and well...... that's how the affair started.

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