2 nieces who are very different

[SMarie123]

Hi all ,

I have 2 nieces one aged 7 and 13, I have 3 DC's under 5. In the school holidays the older niece helps me with day trips to beaches, zoo etc she isn't minding the kids just an extra pair of hands eg she Will carry stuff, push a buggy, sit with them when I change a nappy. In return I treat her very nicely, lots of long chats, nice food, every so often £10/ £20 if it has been a long day or a lot of grief.

SIL (who is a dear friend) wants me to take niece 2 because she said she feels left out. I totally see her perspective, she is so genuine she isn't trying to offload childcare. But there is a huge difference in age and niece 2 is pretty challenging in herself. If niece 1 &2 are together they constantly bicker. Niece 2 by herself isn't really help at all. I kind of don't want the responsibility of her (she wanders off and gets lost very frequently with her parents, luckily never with me). If there is no money at the end of the day trip she storms off and complains loudly...


What would you do?

[SMarie123]

@Quartz2208

No it isnt unreasonable but you do need to figure out your motives

Is it for you because it is helpful for you NOT ON

is it because you feel for your niece and enjoy spending time with her then do something with her for her

I wouldn't say it is black and white, I enjoy her company but she is a help.

Due to my DH's job at the moment I don't have much time for anything. If I had someone to give my kids to I would happily take my 2 nieces out somewhere nice!

[SMarie123]

@NeverMindDontFuckOffSomeMore

I love the real ness of your response. That is a summary of how I felt when she said I needed to take the 7 year old. Just fear and dread of keeping everyone safe and my sanity....

Sil is my brothers wife, I actually haven't even said it to him. They have some heated debates about the discipline of dn2 and it would only fan a fire to say I just can't handle it.

[SMarie123]

@NeverMindDontFuckOffSomeMore

I love the real ness of your response. That is a summary of how I felt when she said I needed to take the 7 year old. Just fear and dread of keeping everyone safe and my sanity....

Sil is my brothers wife, I actually haven't even said it to him. They have some heated debates about the discipline of dn2 and it would only fan a fire to say I just can't handle it.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I think you need to be honest with your sil and just say you can’t cope with your kids so you need to hire a 13 yo as a mothers helper, and it isn’t about quality time at all. If it’s a job then your sil can’t complain really.

[SMarie123]

@Quartz2208

why asked not to?

THe dynamic seems odd in the family are they full siblings?

I was asked not to because my brother feels that you should help your aunt and not expect payment. He feels that she gets brought to nice places and meals out... which is enough. If she didn't love it and it was work then he would be happy for me to pay but he thinks the situation doesn't call for it.

[SMarie123]

@Thingsthatgo

I was the 7 year old in this situation as a child. (Not with an auntie, but a family friend. She used to take out my big sister, who is 7 years older than me). I was gutted every single time. My sister was there to help out mostly, but always had a brilliant time, with lots of treats and often a gift or cash to say thank you as well. She had a much more grown up relationship with this family friend too, and ‘in jokes’ and shared memories. I think it still stings a bit

Sorry to hear that you had such a hard time.

[Witchend]

I don't think it's fair to expect you to add a 7yo-your hands will be full with 3 little ones anyway,

It's not fair on the 13yo who has been helpful to say she can't do it.

I think I'd go at it from switching it round. Say you can't cope with 4 younger ones, but sil's right, it would be nice for the younger one to see her cousins more. So therefore when would she like to take 1-2 of yours.
Then rather than asking "would dn13 like to join us for a fun day out?" Change it round to "I'm taking the dc to x, can I pay dn13 to help because it will be a boring day for her helping to look after her cousins but it will make it much easier for me."

It's not misusing dn13 if she's built up a relationship and enjoys doing it. I often went with my aunt and dnes because I was helpful, but I loved going and playing with them-and I was genuinely able to look after the younger ones and give her a bit of a break.

[SMarie123]

@BankofNook

And also from experience, I took four DC of my own out as well as my DN who is/was the same age as my eldest so would often have a baby, a 3yo, a 5yo, and two 7yo's. I picked days out and locations where I knew I could manage them all on my own. It can be done.

You are a braver woman than me!!

I am struggling to keep sane with 3 under 5, I'm not long back at full time work from
Maternity leave and I am meant to be working full time but since all the childcare is gone..... I feel like that is a lot to handle without volunteering for any more

[Quartz2208]

Yiou make her sound like some of Cinderella character who is constantly expected to help whilst pandering to the needs of her sister

[BankofNook]

I feel like that is a lot to handle without volunteering for any more

Please don't think I was having a dig, I really wasn't. I literally meant it as "it can be done" as in it's doable because I know it can seem daunting from the outside. If you don't feel able then of course you shouldn't but I do think you need to find a way to include your younger niece even if it means some group days out.

Could your younger niece maybe sleepover sometimes and then that could be your thing with her? I have a nephew who absolutely loves sleepovers with my DC. We get takeaway pizza, watch a film, and play board games.

[SMarie123]

@BankofNook

I feel like that is a lot to handle without volunteering for any more

Please don't think I was having a dig, I really wasn't. I literally meant it as "it can be done" as in it's doable because I know it can seem daunting from the outside. If you don't feel able then of course you shouldn't but I do think you need to find a way to include your younger niece even if it means some group days out.

Could your younger niece maybe sleepover sometimes and then that could be your thing with her? I have a nephew who absolutely loves sleepovers with my DC. We get takeaway pizza, watch a film, and play board games.

I know you are right, just right now I am not in the headspace for it.

If Sil would take the 2 year old I would happily trade!!!

[TheVanguardSix]

I think I'd just dial it back and have both nieces on days when DH can help out. You can't really take out DN13 exclusively anymore. It's sending out the wrong message (inadvertently). FWIW, I do understand where you're coming from, but you have to do what is fair. And what is fair and just is not always what we want. But it's the kindest thing to do.

[gah2teenagers]

Seems like she is trying to fob the 7yo off on you to have child free days at your expense. Like others have said she needs to step up and parent her own child on a special one to one basis on these days. Very poor show trying to get you to care for 4 under 8’s. Do not entertain this or feel guilty.

[saraclara]

it must be a bit disheartening for the 7 year old to see her big sister get to go to the beach and zoo and do nice things with her cousins and she’s left out.

That. Sorry, but however helpful it is to have the other niece around, it's really unfair for one cousin out of the five to be left out. Surely you can see that, OP?

[SMarie123]

@saraclara

it must be a bit disheartening for the 7 year old to see her big sister get to go to the beach and zoo and do nice things with her cousins and she’s left out.

That. Sorry, but however helpful it is to have the other niece around, it's really unfair for one cousin out of the five to be left out. Surely you can see that, OP?

I do see sil's point, I have never said I didn't. I just can't manage a 4th kid, a teen is totally different. I wouldn't even have space in my car for both of them.

Dn2 does come over a lot a play with the 5 year old, but that is only in the house.

When I was a kid my sister used to babysit all the time. My aunt actually took her on holiday once so she could navigate the plane. I never felt one bit resentful, I just thought it wasn't my time yet. I also didn't know what to do the way my sister did, given that I was young in age and also the youngest in the family. I definitely didn't over analyse it!!!

[Witchend]

You can't really take out DN13 exclusively anymore. It's sending out the wrong message (inadvertently). FWIW, I do understand where you're coming from, but you have to do what is fair. And what is fair and just is not always what we want. But it's the kindest thing to do.

But is it fair and kind also on the 13yo who presumably was asked to go and help out when things were difficult? She, I would assume, came over to help because she'd been asked to help-without asking for payment or reward.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

I had this age gap with my DNephews and always took both of them.

It never even occurred to me to take one and not the other.

[SMarie123]

@LEELULUMPKIN

I had this age gap with my DNephews and always took both of them.

It never even occurred to me to take one and not the other.

Did you have 3 kids under 5 at the time? I can't even fit everyone in one car

[BilboBercow]

OP I can see why you're doing it but a 7 year old isn't going to understand that. It must be so hurtful for her.

[Serin]

I feel so sorry for the 7 yr old in all of this and dont blame your DSIL for putting a stop to it.
Also at the way you blame SIL for not parenting her kids but you need 13yr old DN to help you parent yours.

[sunrainwind]

I pay my older niece to watch my children. The younger nephews don't think it's fair as they want to be paid but my niece is older, more responsible and plays with them (for free!) when we visit normally. I'd make it a formal job.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

No I didn't but If I had I wouldn't have used the 13 year old as a Mother's help. I would have taken them both out together when I didn't have my own children or waited until I more adult help/transport to take all 5.

It's not fair on the 7 year old.

[Pebblexox]

I could never take one of my nieces and nephews out for a day out without inviting the others, unless it was for a birthday treat.
7 year old is not old enough to understand why you're taking her sister and your children out, and she's just left behind.
Take both or take neither. It's not fair.

[Marcipex]

7 is plenty old enough to know not to run off on a trip anywhere.
No one in their senses would take out three under fives and a stroppy rude flight risk.
Why should the well behaved niece miss out?
When dn 2 is old enough to behave you can take her out occasionally. If you want to.