2 nieces who are very different

[SMarie123]

Hi all ,

I have 2 nieces one aged 7 and 13, I have 3 DC's under 5. In the school holidays the older niece helps me with day trips to beaches, zoo etc she isn't minding the kids just an extra pair of hands eg she Will carry stuff, push a buggy, sit with them when I change a nappy. In return I treat her very nicely, lots of long chats, nice food, every so often £10/ £20 if it has been a long day or a lot of grief.

SIL (who is a dear friend) wants me to take niece 2 because she said she feels left out. I totally see her perspective, she is so genuine she isn't trying to offload childcare. But there is a huge difference in age and niece 2 is pretty challenging in herself. If niece 1 &2 are together they constantly bicker. Niece 2 by herself isn't really help at all. I kind of don't want the responsibility of her (she wanders off and gets lost very frequently with her parents, luckily never with me). If there is no money at the end of the day trip she storms off and complains loudly...


What would you do?

[ukgift2016]

Argh it is difficult. You have 3 under 5, and though a 7 year old is not as demanding you still have to watch out for them.

I have an 8 year old and know she be gutted if she was being left out. But really I feel this is the mum place to put boundaries in.

[100percentthatwitch]

If I was your SIL I would absolutely be putting my foot down and saying the 13 year old couldn’t come anymore. There is no way I would stand for my DC being treated differently. It’s incredibly selfish of you to only want to bring along the daughter who is “helpful” to you OP, learn to look after your own children by yourself.

[Durgasarrow]

Maybe your sister needs to come along, too, if both girls are coming?

[Norma27]

I have a 6 year old and 13 year old. The youngest would be so upset if the older one was having days out with their cousins without her.

[SMarie123]

I will stop using dN1, it is too complicated. I spoke to DH and he said 3 things:

if I start taking dn2 I will be under pressure to take her cousin who is also 7 (SIL's sisters kid who is always around SIL as mother works and she is a single mum). In his mind it would be worse to take one 7 year old and not the other as they are so close. He also pointed out that when childcare was open and I was pregnant I used to take this pair out regularly with out dN1 (I had forgotten that).

it was sil's idea that I use dN1 when I had the c section for lifting, my brother putting the foot down about paying her formally is what has caused the main disruption confusion.

He also said it was a bit unfair that we paid their 20 year old for babysitting (when we went in for the c section and a lot of the follow up appointments and when DH travelled) and their 16 year old did my shopping in lockdown, he power washed my patio, I paid him but he did without thinking he was getting paid. DH is a healthcare worker doing 70 hours per week from feb to June). He feels that is odd that it was ok to treat these guys for work but not someone else. I think the line is they are paid to do a job independently.

With all this said we do both see the point that she can't be left out now it is raised.

[SMarie123]

Sorry DH also said one other think he said SIL is also more then welcome on any trips. She does not like paid attractions so she doesn' come for that reason.

He feels that it is because she is a middle child she has to suck so much up, but that might be him just projecting his own feels there as he is a middle child that had a hard life!

[jacks11]

I think you need to tread carefully here, OP.

I understand what you are saying re your younger niece being more difficult and so you are reluctant to take her. It would be more difficult. However, you are also at risk of coming across as the real reason you take your older niece out is because she’s helpful to you- I.e. for your benefit- and if she weren’t then you wouldn’t bother. A 7 year old really isn’t there to help you with your children on a day out, so it shouldn’t make a difference whether she helps you with your younger children. The issue should be that you find her behaviour problematic. I’m Not sure if that is the real issue- from your post I think it is part of the issue but it could be read as that you only want to take her if there is a benefit to you.

Your SIL may be blind to her daughter’s faults, but she is probably also right that your younger DN is feeling left out. You are (perhaps unwittingly) playing favourites with your nieces- special treats for one, much less for the other- which as a parent I would not be happy about. In your SIL position I would be saying that you need to treat them more equally (not saying younger DN has to come every time) or you don’t take elder one out. Or you take her as “paid help”, so the distinction is quite clear.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I had 3 under 5 and I can see having a 13 to help on days out would have been good.

However I was also one of the GC never old enough to do things with DGP - so always missed out and that was upsetting.


Also PP I've found with own chidlren one left behind - DH didn't feel for a long time he could take all three along to his hobby meets though now older he does- how ever good the day out for the left child they still feel they missed out.

Leaving it is probably the essiest thing at the moment - though I agree with your DH SIl coming along would have been another way out of the situation.

[ICouldBeTheOne]

" I have 2 nieces one aged 7 and 13, I have 3 DC's under 5. In the school holidays the older niece helps me with day trips to beaches, zoo etc she isn't minding the kids just an extra pair of hands eg she Will carry stuff, push a buggy, sit with them when I change a nappy. In return I treat her very nicely, lots of long chats, nice food, every so often £10/ £20 if it has been a long day or a lot of grief"

I think this sounds off and I be pissed off if I was SIL. Sounds like you only treat the 13 year old 'nicely' because she's usually an unpaid skivvy making your day easier.

You should be treating all family members 'nicely' not just because they make your life easier.

I wouldn't want you to 'take out' either of my DC on that basis.

[Stelmariah]

How can you look after 5 young children all by yourself?

[Clartymidden]

I have to be honest. If my brother and sil wanted to take one DD to a day out with their cousins I would say no as the other would be really upset by this.

[SMarie123]

DN1 knows she is there to help that has always been transparent. It was actually SIL's idea she do this role, I was sceptical at first but it worked out well. Sil actually wanted more time with dn2 as school had escalated she might have some additional needs and sil was fighting the feedback.... so lots of additional work at home. I helped out by taking dn1 off her hands, it is hard to have a gifted older sister and a younger one who struggles. Especially because kids aren't tactful with their feedback.

A lot of the things she does for me are not as exciting as the zoo, eg she sometimes comes with me in the car to click and collects. She stays in the house while the toddler is napping so I can take older 1 and baby out to play on the green, to the ducks which are less than 5 mins. She comes over at bedtime when DH is working late to hold baby while I put the other two to bed.

Dn1 was bored out of her mind in lockdown because she could do her school work so quickly, she had no friends nearby etc. So she was on my doorstep every day asking if she could do things. Her 16 year old sibling was the same, he power washed my drive, cleaned drains out and the car. DH says I am too encouraging of people, maybe I should be more reserved.

[SMarie123]

@Stelmariah

How can you look after 5 young children all by yourself?

I can't, I can't even fit them in the car.

[Emeraldshamrock]

I understand your point I've 2 nieces similar the eldest is a sweet, helpful, gentle the younger is grumpy and can be difficult.
I treat them equally and have learned the youngest one has the attitude and heart of a lion.
Don't create a bigger divide between them because one is better than the other you won't be the firs person to notice their differences or comment on them, equal or none.

[VeniceQueen2004]

I'm afraid if it were my kids I wouldn't allow the favouritism. You're completely right that taking DN2 wouldn't work for you the way it does with DN1; it's a bugger but a 7 year old is a young child and what she sees isn't the quid pro quo you have going on with DN1, she sess her sister getting loved, appreciated and taken out/treated while she is rejected. it will hurt, and damage the relationship between the sisters, and if they were mine I'd regretfully end the days out with DN1 to end the inequality.

Get together as a 2 whole families, then you can all look after your own kids and bond as an extended family, rather than it being about how 'useful' each respective niece is. If you still want the niece for childcare then can she babysit for you of an evening while you and your DH get time together?

For sure when they're older you may end up being closer to one than the other; but when they're little, you need to be evenhanded. It could really knock 7yo's confidence if she feels like you see her sister as 'better' or that you love her more.

[pumpkinpie01]

So the older niece has no friends nearby at all yet the younger one has lots and a cousin the same age to play with ? No wonder the older one wants a change of scenery and some company and by the sound of it loves being helpful. They are different ages , different personalities they don't have to be treated the same. Op physically can't fit them all in her car anyway. I would carry on as you are op, it's not like you don't do anything at all with the younger one. Maybe thou on the big days out zoo etc the 2 families go , but the smaller trips stay as you are.

[SMarie123]

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I think it is important to remember there are 4 children in this family, I think I will either formally use the 20 year old for babysitting (paid and without me there, he minded them lots when I had the c section and post birth complications) or nothing. In term time, He always collects my oldest on a Friday for a treat, assuming it works with his schedule in September I will let him carry on as normal.

The 16 year old has zero interest in the kids, so that one is easy. If there is another lockdown and he does my grocery shopping I will pay him.

I won't take either of the small ones unless they both come and there is another adult. I will continue to have them both if they are dropped off, like I always have.

For a long time this was a relationship that worked for both families but sil is saying it doesn't work for her anymore. I do respect that, in her shoes I might even say the same thing. The last thing I want to do is upset a 7 year old.

[Stompythedinosaur]

I think you are doing the right thing. While I understand that it's helpful to you to have the 13yo to help and for company, it's more important not to hurt the 7yo's feelings.

[Miljea]

I still feel it's sad for DN1.

I am also a bit 🧐 about the need to treat a 13 year old and a 7 year old identically, in case the 7 year old kicks off.

It does sound like there are some issues with the 7 year old, and maybe your SIL might have second thoughts once she gets no 1:1 time with DN2 as DN1 is always at home (feeling lonely and isolated).

[SMarie123]

@Stompythedinosaur

Correct. DH says we should actually stop my nephew, who is 20, coming over so much because he fears dn1 might then think she has done something wrong if he continues coming for formal babysitting. That is probably a good point I didn't think of but that means I need a new paid babysitter too.

[Emeraldshamrock]

I feel for DN1 too it doesn't seem fair just tell the younger one when she is older she can help use the age difference.

[Ravenclawgirl]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. With such a big age gap they are bound to be involved in different activities at different times.

My parents used to take my Dnephew to their holiday home every year, but once his two sisters came alone 6 and 8 years later they were older and not able to take them. My oldest is the same age as my sister's youngest and so went on outings that my two younger ones weren't invited on.

Similarly my younger two were invited out when my DSIS had a new partner with children their age. As your younger niece gets older she would probably spend time with your oldest. It's all swings and roundabouts. If they were twins it would be unfair but with this size of an age gap there is no way they can be treated the same.

Just one thing though. Maybe SIL could ask DN 1 not to brag to DN2 when she gets money. That is obviously causing some of the problems .

[Dixiechickonhols]

I think I’d pay Niece age 13 and make clear she is coming as a mothers help. I can see how it’s upsetting for niece 2 who must feel left out.
Could you mix things up sometimes eg Would SIL take your eldest and her 7 year old and you and 13 year old take the two youngest somewhere for toddlers.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Why do you need to change anything other than having a different approach to ‘nice days out’?
All 5 children can’t fit in the car, if all 5 children are to be included that means 2 cars, so sil also needs to drive and stay also.
Confirm with your SIL that she doesn’t want 13 year old to be included without 7 year old, and advise her that means you will organize another helper to help you on these outings.
Seems a shame for DN13.

[SmileAndBreathe]

YABU. You are looking at your nieces in terms of how useful they are to you. You chose to have three dc all close together in age and you are using Dn1 as a mother's help, which I find problematic.

If you want to do the right thing and you feel you can't or don't want to take DN2 then stop taking DN1. Or take them in turns. Does your SIL ever take your children? Surely this can be handled in a matture and sensible manner. It's all a bit self-centred and immature.